I had a depressive episode for the first time in a while.

[kazimirmanxie2044 (imported)]

To note in my personal life, I have only have previously dated and been with guys. It started a short while ago, I met this person and they don't make me feel afraid; they feel like a guy when I talk to them. I am not attracted to them at all, but I am very emotionally invested. They seem to like me a lot, and they are the first woman to get under my skin; past my defenses and for all intents and purposes I am always a gay male before anything else. She is the first woman I have felt emotionally attached to, and that is a bad thing. I have been around the clock chemically castrating myself so I don't get erections, I am terrified of the feel of them, they are uncomfortable and painful from a physical and emotional standpoint. I tried to prevent these things from happening, they trigger my sensory issues because of my autism spectrum disorder. It stops me from wanting to commit to relationships, and wanting to be intimate with people.

I don't watch porn or masturbate, my trigger seems to be emotionally charged. I have literally 0 testosterone in my veins, I have been chemically castrated for a very long time, I have thought so long and hard to not experience this again. But it feels like I have lost this battle of mine. It feels like my body has a personal vendetta against me and just wants me to suffer. What worse is that, there is no psychosis; so don't understand what is the issue. I feel it salivating out of the mouth like a wild animal on a hunger lust. And it would stay like that for hours at a time, hard and continues to harden. It feels like its going to pop, its very physically painful. When it happens, it drives me insane. I get an overwhelming urgency to want to cut it off, like the rush of adrenaline you get when your life is in danger, flight or fight. And, well I don't think I can cope anymore. I need it removed, but I cannot afford it.

I am scared to know what is going to happen to me, do I stop speaking to this person and stay a miserable sac of spuds just to avoid these things from happening? Or, do I get a set of garden sheers and cut it off?

I don't care about the pain anymore, I am so ready to just get on with my life and put an end to this.

I hate having these things, I just want to escape from it forever.

[TopManFL (imported)]

To note in my personal life, I have only have previously dated and been with guys. It started a short while ago, I met this person and they don't make me feel afraid; they feel like a guy when I talk to them. I am not attracted to them at all, but I am very emotionally invested. They seem to like me a lot, and they are the first woman to get under my skin; past my defenses and for all intents and purposes I am always a gay male before anything else. She is the first woman I have felt emotionally attached to, and that is a bad thing. I have been around the clock chemically castrating myself so I don't get erections, I am terrified of the feel of them, they are uncomfortable and painful from a physical and emotional standpoint. I tried to prevent these things from happening, they trigger my sensory issues because of my autism spectrum disorder. It stops me from wanting to commit to relationships, and wanting to be intimate with people.

I don't watch porn or masturbate, my trigger seems to be emotionally charged. I have literally 0 testosterone in my veins, I have been chemically castrated for a very long time, I have thought so long and hard to not experience this again. But it feels like I have lost this battle of mine. It feels like my body has a personal vendetta against me and just wants me to suffer. What worse is that, there is no psychosis; so don't understand what is the issue. I feel it salivating out of the mouth like a wild animal on a hunger lust. And it would stay like that for hours at a time, hard and continues to harden. It feels like its going to pop, its very physically painful. When it happens, it drives me insane. I get an overwhelming urgency to want to cut it off, like the rush of adrenaline you get when your life is in danger, flight or fight. And, well I don't think I can cope anymore. I need it removed, but I cannot afford it.

I am scared to know what is going to happen to me, do I stop speaking to this person and stay a miserable sac of spuds just to avoid these things from happening? Or, do I get a set of garden sheers and cut it off?

I don't care about the pain anymore, I am so ready to just get on with my life and put an end to this.

I hate having these things, I just want to escape from it forever.

hey @kazimirmanxie2044,

Thank you for your post. It will help so many people who struggle in a similar way that you have struggled. Your experience and strength are evident in what you have shared with us all.

I have no experience with autism and cannot imagine the difficulties it brings you. I am being very careful to not extrapolate how you are feeling. Therefore, I will stick only with own emotional response to what you wrote.

I felt hope. I felt that you are working hard to figure out what to do and I admire that.

Please, do not hurt yourself. Your frustration also comes through and in many ways scared me. However, i have faith that you will not hurt yourself.

Private message me if you need anything.

[Begoneboy (imported)]

To note in my personal life, I have only have previously dated and been with guys. It started a short while ago, I met this person and they don't make me feel afraid; they feel like a guy when I talk to them. I am not attracted to them at all, but I am very emotionally invested. They seem to like me a lot, and they are the first woman to get under my skin; past my defenses and for all intents and purposes I am always a gay male before anything else. She is the first woman I have felt emotionally attached to, and that is a bad thing. I have been around the clock chemically castrating myself so I don't get erections, I am terrified of the feel of them, they are uncomfortable and painful from a physical and emotional standpoint. I tried to prevent these things from happening, they trigger my sensory issues because of my autism spectrum disorder. It stops me from wanting to commit to relationships, and wanting to be intimate with people.

I don't watch porn or masturbate, my trigger seems to be emotionally charged. I have literally 0 testosterone in my veins, I have been chemically castrated for a very long time, I have thought so long and hard to not experience this again. But it feels like I have lost this battle of mine. It feels like my body has a personal vendetta against me and just wants me to suffer. What worse is that, there is no psychosis; so don't understand what is the issue. I feel it salivating out of the mouth like a wild animal on a hunger lust. And it would stay like that for hours at a time, hard and continues to harden. It feels like its going to pop, its very physically painful. When it happens, it drives me insane. I get an overwhelming urgency to want to cut it off, like the rush of adrenaline you get when your life is in danger, flight or fight. And, well I don't think I can cope anymore. I need it removed, but I cannot afford it.

I am scared to know what is going to happen to me, do I stop speaking to this person and stay a miserable sac of spuds just to avoid these things from happening? Or, do I get a set of garden sheers and cut it off?

I don't care about the pain anymore, I am so ready to just get on with my life and put an end to this.

I hate having these things, I just want to escape from it forever.

You sound like you're at the crossroads I was once at. Take comfort in that you are not alone. Please do not hurt yourself. Luckily we as a society have finally arrived to a point that there is help only a few phone calls away. That has not always been the case and there are those who over the years have suffered with the same plight you are now going through. Pick up the phone and find the help you are looking for. your world will get better as mine did when I found the help I desperately sought.

[kazimirmanxie2044 (imported)]

I am trying to find the best way to find the best way to chemically castrate myself, I have experimented over the past year gone which method works the best. I have used bicalutamide, spironolactone, finasteride, estradiol pills, estradiol injections, micronized progesterone capsules as a rectal suppository, and progesterone injections.

I have tried a high dose of estradiol, a low of estradiol, i have used multiple antiandrogen drugs in tandem.

I have used estradiol and multiple antiandrogens at the same time with progesterone. No success.

Cyproterone acetate is the last thing I haven't tried, it is said here that you guys/gals/pals use it at 200mg daily to completely kill testosterone and sex drive, I have been in trans circles and they use it at a 12.5mg dose combined with 2-4mg of estradiol valerate pills.

I have a couple extreme ideas that I might try as a last ditch effort to manage my symptoms, I might use a high dose of anabolics temporarily to shut down the natural supply of testosterone and then after use cyproterone acetate to keep the testes shut down. It has been described to me that cyproterone acetate is a stockpiler because of the long half life of the drug, meaning eventually after a while you can titter the dose down to a smaller amount to keep testosterone at a manageable level.

So, I heard that cyproterone takes atleast a month to become effective; I think combined with the temporary use of anabolics I can accelerate the time it takes to be effective. Because if there is to much exogenous testosterone/androgens in the body, the brain tells the testes to stop producing its own testosterone.

This might work, else I am going to try the 12.5mg of cyproterone combined with estradiol daily to manage my symptoms. Another idea is to use a topical estradiol applied directly to the penis in hopes that it causes the penile tissue to atrophy hopefully causing ED, my theory behind it is that a trans doctor called dr powers would have patients apply a topical androgen to the clitoris to grow it out in creation of a micropenis for female-to-male transsexuals and sometimes a male-to-female transsexual would get the same treatment to prevent penile atrophy and reverse an onset of erectile dysfunction caused by cross-sex hormone therapy.

So, extrapolating that androgen applied topically to the clitoris causes it to be engorged and the application to the penis prevents it from atrophying and reverses erectile dysfunction; then perhaps using a topical estradiol in the area will cause erectile dysfunction.

I have many ideas that I have tried and nothing has proved to work yet. The only thing my chemical castration experiments have achieved is an onset of gynecomastia, making me ungodly pale and a general reduction in facial hair. I am constantly on the verge of passing out, I get frequent migraines, I feel physically weak and with that said, I did get a blood test August of last year and my testosterone level was 54ng/dl. I don't what is going on, am I anemic?

I have another idea, it has been reported that people have used these devices to stretch the penis longer and that it causes permanent damage to the penile tissue making erections more difficult to obtain. That is something that I might try. What is unfortunate is that there is not an informed consent system in the United Kingdom that allows for things to do this. The only route is going through a gender identity clinic/gender dysphoria clinic and the referral process is nightmarish.

Last year I went to the doctor because I have an infected piercing and needed a topical cream to stop the infection, and while I was I there I said to my doctor that I "felt as if I were a woman" because I knew that it was the only way I could get my issues seen too. Little did I know, I would have to deal with psychiatrists and endure a wait just to be put on a waiting list. It took me from January of 2020 to late November just to be put on a list to see a gic/gdc and that the average wait is 34 months or more.

I have dealt with a lot of impostor syndrome and have had multiple dissociative episodes because of lying about how I feel. Its the only way I have and I worry that I might both castrate myself before then. I mean, I said before, not feeling like a man is a totally different concept to feeling like a woman and having wanting to be an eunuch as a gender identity, its grossly misunderstood. If I said I was "non-binary", in their mind its a fallback identity for non-passing male-to-female transsexuals and they would still expect that your gender expression (how you present yourself) aligns with that of woman despite not wanting to be either. So either way, even after I get seen to there will be period of time where I have to do this "real life experience" and cross-dress for two years to get "socialization"; that is complete bs because that goes against a "non-binary" identity since not identifying as either means that there shouldn't be a need for socialization since you'll be an effectively an outcast to the binary of masculine and feminine social roles. Even if you consider yourself to be of a "non-binary" identity, they will assume that you are just a repressing male-to-female/female-to-male based on your natal sex. Basically, "you are a trans woman/man no matter how you feel, we just use different labels because you are a special case. We won't tell you though because we really do not care."

I heard talks that the WPATH SOC V8 will have amends to it that include the feasibility of standards of care of for eunuch-identifying individuals and that I heard that it is going to be released anywhere between q3 of 2021 and q2 of 2022. I tried to talk to the chapter authors/members in the united kingdom via email and some digging around on google just to try and see what this new change entails, however my queries have fallen on deaf ears.

I am constantly reading on the transsexual typology and I can't see where I fit. I mean, I know for definite that I don't have autogynephillia since that requires an erotic target location error; I have no erotic target and I sure as hell have no location error because I am not physically attracted to the thought of having typical female anatomy or like behavioral autogynephillia doing feminine things and being motivated by doing them. I don't see myself as a man, or a woman or "non-binary", I am an idea that is being shoved to one side. I am a soul trying to escape their own personal horror.

I want to love somebody, but its overwhelmingly difficult to do that because that requires me to be intimate, and that is what throws me into a pit of despair. Henceforth its almost impossible for me to commit, because a relationship that is without intimacy is not a relationship, its an agreement to have sex with another individual. I never want that in a million years, my view on my own latent homosexuality has become jaded after nights of effectively being used; my own dysphoria makes me just feel like I am some sort of fetish. In the eyes of a man, I am nothing more than a penis and a hole to dump into. It doesn't matter if I for some reason decided that I wanted to be a transsexual woman, I am but a hole and a penis fetish.

And the mass majority I see in these communities just want to be involved in non-monogamous "relationships" that boil down to asserting dominance over another individual and a weird group of quirky people that have very strange paraphilia's and idealization of spreading disease and dying from it. I've seen it all, I feel so defeated. Because all I want is a monogamous relationship with a man preferably with sexual abstinence, but I feel that is too much to ask and that I have to curb my reality. I have had anal sex twice a week since July with the same few people in my area, I am so so tired of things leading nowhere. I just dissociate.

I am afraid of dating women because of the expectation of that they want children, or have sky high expectations of me and ultimately this goes for male/female or whatever, I disappoint. I am scared of letting people down. I feel alone and I have felt like this forever. I am not a man, or a woman, just a figment of what a person could be. I feel alone and that nobody can relate. Phallophobia is having a disinclination towards masculinity, I am deathly afraid of my penis and that its developed into its own thing; the accumulation of smaller problems have became one idea. I am scared of being a man and I am scared of being a woman.

So where do i lie? On the ground here or do I live on another planet?

It is easy to dissociate, but its not an escape from my body, its just a time out. I wish somebody else could take the reins because I don't have any control over my life. I am being crushed by everything. I just want to cut it off because I want these feelings to stop. SSRI's don't work, I must be hypersensitive to them because if I take sertraline at a low dose I hallucinate and the world around me expands, contracts and warps. So it is no solution. I wish I could stop crying. Honestly.

(Edit)

Forgot to mention my gyno can't wear tshirts anymore. (NSFW)

https: i imgur com yYtepLY.jpg

[Begoneboy (imported)]

kazimirmanxie2044: I am glad that you have taken the steps in your history to try and find a solution to what you suffer. I can identify with your plight. Simply put I went through all of your feelings about myself. And still do not identify as either a man or a woman. I am me. I get along with both men and women. I resolved my dysphoria through surgery. Having the testes. scrotum and penis removed. Once recovered from the surgery I believed my problem solved and went on with my life. For me at first the surgery solved the problem of not wanting to be either Male or female as I had none of the external organs of either. Then after a year or two I discovered the need for hormones of some type present in the body. Much as yourself I was not about to put male hormones into the body that I had taken so much effort to rid it of. Well, the rest they say is history as I used estrogens and to the extent that they relieved the symptoms that lack of hormones brought about, and I abused them. (WAY TO MUCH ESTROGEN) in one human body. I live with that to this day. But the real problem you're talking about is a different thing. I mean (physical sex has nothing to do with intimacy) You shared "

I want to love somebody, but its overwhelmingly difficult to do that because that requires me to be intimate, and that is what throws me into a pit of despair.

"

Believe it or not two people can be intimate without sex. Two men, two women, man and woman, it doesn't matter. Intimacy is cerebral. Once we learn that lesson life becomes greatly improved.

Over the years (its been 27 since nullification) I have grown and learned much more about the human condition. I have had relations (very intimate) with others without physical sex. And have learned how to enjoy physical sex as a nullo. It's all about our own way of seeing life and ourselves. So go ahead and love somebody. If they love you they will understand and be supportive. Love is a two way street and requires two people. I gave and received that sort of love for over 20 years until my love passed away. And was very content. You can be as well.