The Messy Journey

[Qunuch81 (imported)]

I'm sharing the shortest possible version of my story here. I'm hoping it will help others. I'm also hoping others might have insights that will help me.

Around 2005 I got into ballbusting and CBT. I enjoyed the physical sensation, but I mainly got off on the power dynamic. From CBT, it wasn't a big leap to fantasizing about castration and penectomy and doing things like tying up my balls for long periods of time. Over the years, I accrued an impressive collection of photoshopped eunuchs and nullos (RIP Tumblr).

It wasn't until 2012 that I started thinking about castration as anything other than a fantasy. Interestingly, the tipping point came when my husband and I were staying at his cousin's for a week. No sex or masturbation in that time because this was a wide-open studio in Portland, so oddly all that pent-up sexual energy got channeled into "what if I REALLY got castrated?" I waxed and waned for the next 3 years. I went from extremes of "this is absolutely what I want and I want it yesterday" and "how in the world could I be seriously considering this?" Whenever I was waxing, I was happy and excited though at the same time frustrated and dysphoric. Whenever I was waning I wasn't dysphoric but I was really bummed in those moments when I felt like I didn't really want to be a eunuch. I wanted to want it. So, after working things out with my husband, I finally took the plunge in 2015 and was castrated by Dr. Arnkoff. I started HRT right away and have remained on it since.

Not long afterward the surgery I fell into a very dark place. PTSD from childhood began asserting itself. It took me a couple years to figure out that's what was going on, but at the time I was terrified that my orchiectomy had somehow unbalanced me. My therapist thinks that my resolving the "should I get castrated" conflict basically caused my brain to say "OK, that's done, now we really need to focus on this shit you've been repressing for 20 years." Still, I developed a sense of shame around my eunuch status. When I was in a room with a group of people, the knowledge that I was probably the only eunuch made me feel self-conscious and actually pretty bad about myself. I think it was an unfortunate example of classical conditioning...I paired being a eunuch with the overwhelming PTSD that reemerged.

Flash forward to the present day. I've worked out the PTSD stuff and feel really good about myself on the whole. I'm still dealing with self-consciousness/shame around being a eunuch though. I know it's irrational but I can't seem to shake it. It often makes me wonder if I made the right decision. Normally I'd say what's done is done so there's no point in dwelling on the past, but now I'm going through the exact same wax and wane process with the idea of becoming a nullo. It seems crazy to consider removing my penis when I still have mixed feelings about having had my balls removed, but there it is.

Like with castration, waxing makes me feel excited and happy yet also dysphoric about my remaining appendage. Waning, rather than providing relief, makes me feel disappointed. I want to want to be a nullo. Will I ever do it? I suspect it will happen some day. My husband is not into the idea at all so it will probably have to be after he passes (he's 17 years older than me so barring the unforeseen I should outlive him). I still enjoy using my dick to fuck sometimes and it is useful for getting off. Perhaps it's for the best that my husband is keeping me in check for now.

So that's my story. I think it's good to point out that surgery is a clear cut (no pun intended) choice for some people but for others it's more murky. I haven't encountered many people in this community who've had the messy sort-of, maybe, yes-sometimes, no-sometimes, regret it, would do it again feelings that I've had. Are you out there?

[cutegboy16 (imported)]

I am in your pre-castration position where it's been 3 years of waxing & waning. I'm working with a PHD therapist who said she'd consider giving me the letter I need for nullificaiton.

I'm going a step further and debating (radical vs total penectomy) (Castration first, then penectomy vs both at once - one's easier on my brain, the other's easier on my body)

put the urethral opening right behind my anus vs more centered in my perineum. HRT vs low HRT vs no HRT.

I do know I would want Dr. Peter Davis to do my penectomy, but I might go with someone local for castration if I do that separately.

Perhaps you can help me with one of my issues. How much does the HRT run you? I know everyone's insurance situation is different, but the research I've done says it can be hundreds a month.

[Qunuch81 (imported)]

Sure. I use the testosterone gel and it only costs me I think $20/month. I have very good insurance. I was on Androgel for a couple years and then they switched me to a generic. I don't know for sure, but it may be that the generic just came on the market. It's my understanding that it's cheaper if you opt for injections, but I haven't tried that.

What's your waxing and waning been like if I may ask?

[cutegboy16 (imported)]

Thank you for the info. $20/month is more than reasonable... way cheaper than I was thinking. I have pretty good commercial insurance, so even if my co-pay is a little more, it shouldn't be too bad.

My waxing can feel absolutely wonderful. At one of my waxing peaks, I had convinced myself I was definitely getting it, and that feeling was great. I felt on top of the world. Other people, especially folks at work pointed out how much more confident and happy I was behaving. Looking down at my penis, knowing it was going to go away soon would give me a natural high.

About 5 weeks after I came to that "decision", out of nowhere I felt a sense of shock and horror as a glimpse of my future flashed in my head. As I experienced this weird mental simulation/fantasy/dream, I couldn't help but think "what have I done?" Usually these future dreams bring my joy and feelings of sexiness, but not this time. I fell into a very dark mental space. Then a huge burst of shame hits me for thinking I had figured it all out. My confidence and mental health decline. I stop going places and just want to stay home. Even though I think about nullification 60-200 times per day, I feel like a fake until I start feeling like I'm "kinda sure", then "pretty sure", then a little more sure, etc.

Telling my husband might have brought things to reality a bit since he's not on board with it. I did a poor job of communicating it to him and he got the idea I was going to become a woman, which he responded with probable divorce in that situation. I later explained that I want to be a man, just with no genitals. And that part of it was because my genitals don't function like they should in 3 different aspects. (ED, chronic testicular pain, and retrograde ejaculation). He still thinks its just a kink, but that kinda leaves me in limbo with him.

Right now I'm in my waxing stage and decided on January 1st that I wouldn't jerk off in 2020. (Also always sitting to pee.) It's had it's challenging moments, but it has proven that my sexuality does not revolve around my penis. Sex has gotten better, i feel sexier, and my anal orgasms are 20x better than any penile orgasm I've ever had thanks to not jerking off.

I've asked my therapist to challenge me, and try to make sure I'm not fooling myself again. Hoping I can learn from this experience.

[JessicaH (imported)]

Doctors should demand Hormone labs before surgery but most don’t. “Normal” T can run between 200 and 1,200 ng/dl so if you are at 1,200 and get castrated then given enough T to get you to 300, you are going to crash. We all have our optimal levels for HRT so don”t let a Dr. Just tell you that, “you are in the normal range”.

[Qunuch81 (imported)]

My waxing can feel absolutely wonderful. At one of my waxing peaks, I had convinced myself I was definitely getting it, and that feeling was great. I felt on top of the world. Other people, especially folks at work pointed out how much more confident and happy I was behaving. Looking down at my penis, knowing it was going to go away soon would give me a natural high.

About 5 weeks after I came to that "decision", out of nowhere I felt a sense of shock and horror as a glimpse of my future flashed in my head. As I experienced this weird mental simulation/fantasy/dream, I couldn't help but think "what have I done?" Usually these future dreams bring my joy and feelings of sexiness, but not this time. I fell into a very dark mental space. Then a huge burst of shame hits me for thinking I had figured it all out. My confidence and mental health decline. I stop going places and just want to stay home. Even though I think about nullification 60-200 times per day, I feel like a fake until I start feeling like I'm "kinda sure", then "pretty sure", then a little more sure, etc.

.

I identify so much with this. My waning doesn't take me to a dark place, but it is profoundly disappointing. The idea that I'd regret being a nullo frustrates me so much. So when I'm waxing and feeling certain that I'd have done it yesterday if I could've, I'm definitely "on top of the world" as you said. Let me know if I can answer any other questions for you.

[Cseriess (imported)]

Is this a common feeling? I have lost two deposits because I know I want this as nd will feel better once it done, then crash. Feelings of shame, confusion on why I think this will be a good move. Then after I time I go back to knowing this is the correct thing to do, and feel stupid I canceled. There are some complications because of my job, but as long as I keep my health under control after surgery. I don't see how they would know. Although I have spoken to a couple of therapists with initially positive talks, I haven't taken it further. All very confusing.