I am looking for a Beta reader to help me polish up a story I would like to post.
I am a first time writer but a long time lurker here.
Request for a Beta Reader
-
bknight1864 (imported)
- Articles: 0
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:27 am
-
Posting Rank
-
TopManFL (imported)
- Articles: 0
- Posts: 924
- Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:15 am
-
Posting Rank
Re: Request for a Beta Reader
Hey @bknight1864
Welcome from out of the lurking shadows.
I don't write or work on stories with characters under 18 years old. Having said that, I'd be glad to read your story from the viewpoint of the end reader.
You can't send or receive private messages until you've posted a certain number of posts (five, I think). So, reply here.
Having another set of eyes on your work is a good idea. Be warned that I'm a fan of white space in stories.
Welcome from out of the lurking shadows.
I don't write or work on stories with characters under 18 years old. Having said that, I'd be glad to read your story from the viewpoint of the end reader.
You can't send or receive private messages until you've posted a certain number of posts (five, I think). So, reply here.
Having another set of eyes on your work is a good idea. Be warned that I'm a fan of white space in stories.
-
bknight1864 (imported)
- Articles: 0
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:27 am
-
Posting Rank
Re: Request for a Beta Reader
Sam looked down at his smartphone to confirm the address his wife had sent him in the text message. His wife had been pretty coy about what was going on at this date night. In the 18 years they had been married his wife had always done a good job of keeping him on his toes in life and the bedroom, but sending him to what looks like a tattoo parlor for a date night before his birthday was definitely a new one even for her.
His wife had been teasing him for weeks that she would have a special present for him for his birthday. Something had definitely changed since her friend Sandra’s bachelorette party a month ago and he was both terrified & excited.
Opening the door he saw the Register was directly on a counter right next to the door with a clear counter with what looked like merchandise one three shelves. There were four seats across from the register but no one was sitting there. Each chair had what appeared to be iPad secured to each arm. Sam walked over and saw that the iPads showed a list of services along with photos of previous work.
The photos were broken down by arm, chest, back, legs with options for male, female and special. Before he could start looking through the photos or figure out what special meant he heard the sound of two people walking into the front room. A man about 6 feet tall with light brown hair, and a lean build that had a bandage on his upper right arm being escorted out by a woman who appeared to be about 5’6”. She had an asymmetrical hairstyle with half-shaved head and short bob with pink hair.
“Keep the bandage on your arm for the rest of the night. Then rub this on the tattoo for the next two days.”
“Thanks Nikki. Appreciate for doing all this work on such short notice.” The guy took the ointment and then handed Nikki his credit card which she ran through at the register. Sam waited as the guy finished paying for his tattoo and then turned to leave. Nikki then looked up at Sam and he got his first good look at her.
Nikki appeared to be wearing boots that boosted her height it was more likely she was 5’4” than 5’6”. She was wearing a short tight skirt and with black shirt with a low cut that showed off her cleavage to an almost illegal degree. She appeared to be of some Asian descent but he wasn’t about to try to guess which. “Hello, how can I help you?” He noticed Nikki smiled and she seemed to look him over. Even at almost 50 Sam was still in very good shape with just a little salt and pepper in his hair.
“This is going to sound weird but my wife sent me a text message to meet her here after work. My name is Sam by the way.”
The moment he said his name Nikki looked up at him with a smile that he could only describe as predatory. She got out from behind the counter and then went over to the door turned the open sign around to closed then took his hand. “Follow me, this way.”
Walking behind the curtain he saw that there were three tattoo chairs behind the curtain but none of the stations were in use. She then walked him past the chairs and opened up a door at the back. “Sam your wife has purchased a very special package for you tonight. My shop is kind of a swiss army knife for all different types of people and all different types of lifestyles.”
“Okay, but none of that explains what is going on our where my wife is?”
“I will explain once you walk into this room.” While the whole situation did make him suspicious he figured he wasn’t in any real danger from the tiny woman next to him. Walking into the room he saw what appeared to be a queen size bed across from a wall mounted 60” tv with a speakers also wall mounted on either side. Before he could do anything he felt something pierce the back of his neck and then everything went black for awhile.
Shaking his head Sam felt himself spread out on the queen size bed with his arms and legs secured to the posts on bed. He found himself completely naked with Nikki standing at the end of the bed. “Wakey, wakey sleepy head. I have to say I am pleasantly surprised your wife didn't let on just what you were bringing to our little party.”
Nikki said as she glanced at Sam's restrained body. Sam didn't know how to respond to her but his cock definitely did almost without his consent he penis was stand at its full 7 inches. “Now watch the TV in front of you because I have a little video for you to watch.”
As she powered on the TV Sam heard saw his wife smiling at the camera. “Sam, I know you are probably wondering what is going on. You know a month ago I went to Sandra's party. That's where I meet Nikki.”
While she was saying this he felt Nikki slide up next to him running her hand over his erection, gently stroking him, and then slowly kissing him up his shaft from his balls to the top of his head.
“Sandra had invited Nikki to give Tom a special present. Sandra had decided she didn’t want to have any children or well at least not Tom’s. One of Nikki’s specialities is making sure that men aren’t going to be getting a wife pregnant that doesn’t want to be. Of course to help distract Tom from her plan she had the rest of her bridesmaids distract Tom while Nikki relieved him of that possibility.”
Right now Sam was having a hard time following what his wife was saying as Nikki was giving him the blowjob of his life. “I am guess you are probably being distracted right now so I will cut to the chase so to speak. She performs surgical body mods, tonight is going to be your last night with balls.”
My wife Erin then winked at me, “Nikki normally only does this on consenting couples, but she has her own kink. See Nikki wants children but only from guys whose balls she has harvested and wouldn’t you just know it. Her most fertile time of the month just happens to line up with our anniversary.”
At that point I was barely processing what happens as Nikki slowed down moving her mouth around my cock and then gave a long slow lick from my balls to my tip. Nikki then swung her leg over me. She pulled her top off and tossed it across the room. She then unhooked her bra and let it slowly slide off her and reveal her large breasts. Nikki then looked up and smiled that dangerous smile at me. She paused my wife's video and then turned to face me. I realized my wife had decided to trade my balls to Nikki to fulfill Nikki’s fantasy.
“This is the last time you are ever going to use your cock ever again. When I am done with you I am going to destroy your fucking balls. You better enjoy it cause this is the last time you are ever getting pussy.”
As she said this Nikki placed her pussy right over my face. “You can do one thing to effect tonight's ending and that is use that mouth of yours to make me cum.”
Before she could say another word Sam tore into eating her pussy hoping it might cause her to change her mind about what his wife paid her to do.
“Oh not so fast, yes slowly tease me like that. Mmmh you have a really nice tongue there.”
Nikki ground her pussy into his face and then felt it has her pussy spasmed. A flood of juices hit his face and Nikki slid off my face. “Wow she wasn't kidding about you, shame I can't untie your hands to use your fingers too. But that was worth a treat. I wish you could play with my clit but your hands are all tied up. Hmmm I guess I’ll have to do it myself because you are not good enough for anything.”
Nikki then slid her hand over to my cock stroking it slowly but with building speed. She then dropped her mouth on top of my cock but just started kissing it like a long lost lover. Nikki then raised herself up and positioned my cock at the entrance to her shaven pussy. She made sure I entered her slowly and so that I felt every inch of her. “Look at you going inside me. That’s the last time that’s going to happen.”
Sam didn't have it in him to resist anymore and so he just nodded. “Ohhh, ohhh, oh god fuck. I really want to cum do you really want to cum.” Nikki asked as she leaned close to my ear and slamming her pussy down on my cock. I heard her gasping as she increased the pace on her on my cock and I felt my own balls getting ready to explode but somehow I managed to outlast her.
Her eyes rolled up as she came hard and then she looked down on me. “Well I am done. Do you want to cum inside me too? Do you think I should let you? Just stay still, I am better at fucking then you are so I am just going to do it!”
At this point I knew I couldn’t hold out much longer and Nikki seemed to sense it as well. She leaned down to whisper into my ear. “Just keep doing it. After this I am just going to cut your balls off and does that sound alright to you?”
“Do it, Do it, do it,”She moaned and I felt my balls tighten and release, “Wow,that was a lot I can feel it all inside me.”
Moving off him Nikki smiled, “Good boy and that’s the last time you are ever going to cum. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did”
Nikki slipped off and reached for some tools next to the bed. First he felt as she taped his penis to his stomach and then felt as a needle slipped into his ballsack. Next Nikki started making a incision down the middle of his sack. Sam couldn't see it or really feel it but he did feel the pressure of the knife making contact.
“Sam, you have such beautiful balls, and I do hope they don’t miss the mark with their last load. Now prepare yourself as this is going to be a pinch.”
Nikki said with a wink and at that point I passed out.
I woke up a few hours later feeling groggy and noticed that my hands had been untied. I saw my wife Erin smiling at my feet and noticed she was naked as well. Surprisingly I felt myself harden at the sight. I actually looked shocked.
“Oh you'll be able to do that for awhile yet, but we'll get you on hormones long before that.” Before I could reply Erin jumped on me and began kissing me and then I noticed hanging from her ears were a new set of earrings. “Come on my beloved eunuch. While I wear your balls fuck me like you still got a pair. “
His wife had been teasing him for weeks that she would have a special present for him for his birthday. Something had definitely changed since her friend Sandra’s bachelorette party a month ago and he was both terrified & excited.
Opening the door he saw the Register was directly on a counter right next to the door with a clear counter with what looked like merchandise one three shelves. There were four seats across from the register but no one was sitting there. Each chair had what appeared to be iPad secured to each arm. Sam walked over and saw that the iPads showed a list of services along with photos of previous work.
The photos were broken down by arm, chest, back, legs with options for male, female and special. Before he could start looking through the photos or figure out what special meant he heard the sound of two people walking into the front room. A man about 6 feet tall with light brown hair, and a lean build that had a bandage on his upper right arm being escorted out by a woman who appeared to be about 5’6”. She had an asymmetrical hairstyle with half-shaved head and short bob with pink hair.
“Keep the bandage on your arm for the rest of the night. Then rub this on the tattoo for the next two days.”
“Thanks Nikki. Appreciate for doing all this work on such short notice.” The guy took the ointment and then handed Nikki his credit card which she ran through at the register. Sam waited as the guy finished paying for his tattoo and then turned to leave. Nikki then looked up at Sam and he got his first good look at her.
Nikki appeared to be wearing boots that boosted her height it was more likely she was 5’4” than 5’6”. She was wearing a short tight skirt and with black shirt with a low cut that showed off her cleavage to an almost illegal degree. She appeared to be of some Asian descent but he wasn’t about to try to guess which. “Hello, how can I help you?” He noticed Nikki smiled and she seemed to look him over. Even at almost 50 Sam was still in very good shape with just a little salt and pepper in his hair.
“This is going to sound weird but my wife sent me a text message to meet her here after work. My name is Sam by the way.”
The moment he said his name Nikki looked up at him with a smile that he could only describe as predatory. She got out from behind the counter and then went over to the door turned the open sign around to closed then took his hand. “Follow me, this way.”
Walking behind the curtain he saw that there were three tattoo chairs behind the curtain but none of the stations were in use. She then walked him past the chairs and opened up a door at the back. “Sam your wife has purchased a very special package for you tonight. My shop is kind of a swiss army knife for all different types of people and all different types of lifestyles.”
“Okay, but none of that explains what is going on our where my wife is?”
“I will explain once you walk into this room.” While the whole situation did make him suspicious he figured he wasn’t in any real danger from the tiny woman next to him. Walking into the room he saw what appeared to be a queen size bed across from a wall mounted 60” tv with a speakers also wall mounted on either side. Before he could do anything he felt something pierce the back of his neck and then everything went black for awhile.
Shaking his head Sam felt himself spread out on the queen size bed with his arms and legs secured to the posts on bed. He found himself completely naked with Nikki standing at the end of the bed. “Wakey, wakey sleepy head. I have to say I am pleasantly surprised your wife didn't let on just what you were bringing to our little party.”
Nikki said as she glanced at Sam's restrained body. Sam didn't know how to respond to her but his cock definitely did almost without his consent he penis was stand at its full 7 inches. “Now watch the TV in front of you because I have a little video for you to watch.”
As she powered on the TV Sam heard saw his wife smiling at the camera. “Sam, I know you are probably wondering what is going on. You know a month ago I went to Sandra's party. That's where I meet Nikki.”
While she was saying this he felt Nikki slide up next to him running her hand over his erection, gently stroking him, and then slowly kissing him up his shaft from his balls to the top of his head.
“Sandra had invited Nikki to give Tom a special present. Sandra had decided she didn’t want to have any children or well at least not Tom’s. One of Nikki’s specialities is making sure that men aren’t going to be getting a wife pregnant that doesn’t want to be. Of course to help distract Tom from her plan she had the rest of her bridesmaids distract Tom while Nikki relieved him of that possibility.”
Right now Sam was having a hard time following what his wife was saying as Nikki was giving him the blowjob of his life. “I am guess you are probably being distracted right now so I will cut to the chase so to speak. She performs surgical body mods, tonight is going to be your last night with balls.”
My wife Erin then winked at me, “Nikki normally only does this on consenting couples, but she has her own kink. See Nikki wants children but only from guys whose balls she has harvested and wouldn’t you just know it. Her most fertile time of the month just happens to line up with our anniversary.”
At that point I was barely processing what happens as Nikki slowed down moving her mouth around my cock and then gave a long slow lick from my balls to my tip. Nikki then swung her leg over me. She pulled her top off and tossed it across the room. She then unhooked her bra and let it slowly slide off her and reveal her large breasts. Nikki then looked up and smiled that dangerous smile at me. She paused my wife's video and then turned to face me. I realized my wife had decided to trade my balls to Nikki to fulfill Nikki’s fantasy.
“This is the last time you are ever going to use your cock ever again. When I am done with you I am going to destroy your fucking balls. You better enjoy it cause this is the last time you are ever getting pussy.”
As she said this Nikki placed her pussy right over my face. “You can do one thing to effect tonight's ending and that is use that mouth of yours to make me cum.”
Before she could say another word Sam tore into eating her pussy hoping it might cause her to change her mind about what his wife paid her to do.
“Oh not so fast, yes slowly tease me like that. Mmmh you have a really nice tongue there.”
Nikki ground her pussy into his face and then felt it has her pussy spasmed. A flood of juices hit his face and Nikki slid off my face. “Wow she wasn't kidding about you, shame I can't untie your hands to use your fingers too. But that was worth a treat. I wish you could play with my clit but your hands are all tied up. Hmmm I guess I’ll have to do it myself because you are not good enough for anything.”
Nikki then slid her hand over to my cock stroking it slowly but with building speed. She then dropped her mouth on top of my cock but just started kissing it like a long lost lover. Nikki then raised herself up and positioned my cock at the entrance to her shaven pussy. She made sure I entered her slowly and so that I felt every inch of her. “Look at you going inside me. That’s the last time that’s going to happen.”
Sam didn't have it in him to resist anymore and so he just nodded. “Ohhh, ohhh, oh god fuck. I really want to cum do you really want to cum.” Nikki asked as she leaned close to my ear and slamming her pussy down on my cock. I heard her gasping as she increased the pace on her on my cock and I felt my own balls getting ready to explode but somehow I managed to outlast her.
Her eyes rolled up as she came hard and then she looked down on me. “Well I am done. Do you want to cum inside me too? Do you think I should let you? Just stay still, I am better at fucking then you are so I am just going to do it!”
At this point I knew I couldn’t hold out much longer and Nikki seemed to sense it as well. She leaned down to whisper into my ear. “Just keep doing it. After this I am just going to cut your balls off and does that sound alright to you?”
“Do it, Do it, do it,”She moaned and I felt my balls tighten and release, “Wow,that was a lot I can feel it all inside me.”
Moving off him Nikki smiled, “Good boy and that’s the last time you are ever going to cum. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did”
Nikki slipped off and reached for some tools next to the bed. First he felt as she taped his penis to his stomach and then felt as a needle slipped into his ballsack. Next Nikki started making a incision down the middle of his sack. Sam couldn't see it or really feel it but he did feel the pressure of the knife making contact.
“Sam, you have such beautiful balls, and I do hope they don’t miss the mark with their last load. Now prepare yourself as this is going to be a pinch.”
Nikki said with a wink and at that point I passed out.
I woke up a few hours later feeling groggy and noticed that my hands had been untied. I saw my wife Erin smiling at my feet and noticed she was naked as well. Surprisingly I felt myself harden at the sight. I actually looked shocked.
“Oh you'll be able to do that for awhile yet, but we'll get you on hormones long before that.” Before I could reply Erin jumped on me and began kissing me and then I noticed hanging from her ears were a new set of earrings. “Come on my beloved eunuch. While I wear your balls fuck me like you still got a pair. “
-
TopManFL (imported)
- Articles: 0
- Posts: 924
- Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:15 am
-
Posting Rank
Re: Request for a Beta Reader
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Dec 11, 2018 2:12 pm I am looking for a Beta reader to help me polish up a story I would like to post.
I am a first time writer but a long time lurker here.
Hey @bknight1864,
It's almost 1am here and I do my best work in the morning with a cup of coffee. I'll read this and give you my feedback.
FYI, you can send private messages after you've posted five posts on the forum. Let me run through it tomorrow. As a Beta reader, I assume you are just looking for clarity and typos not structural issues or story line flow input - which would be better discussed in private messages.
Thanks!
-
Cseriess (imported)
- Articles: 0
- Posts: 407
- Joined: Tue Oct 30, 2018 3:17 pm
-
Posting Rank
-
TopManFL (imported)
- Articles: 0
- Posts: 924
- Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:15 am
-
Posting Rank
Re: Request for a Beta Reader
Great story. I like the idea of the evil tattoo parlor with various rooms. Each room is like a level deeper into one of Dante's circles of Hell.
I don't think Sam will miss his balls. It seems as if they've been figuratively in his wife's purse for years.
The suggestions below mostly have to do with the point of view, tense and a few other suggestions for clarity.
You switch from first person to third person. I am very guilty of the same thing. Especially, when it takes me several days to write a story. I'll often get so involved in writing, that I forget the point of view and tense I'm writing in.
I've included some information on point of view I found online. Most likely information you already know.
There is nothing much to really fix, it would be good the way it is. If you want some structural advice, I can offer some ideas, but would prefer to do so in a private message.
The job of a beta reader isn't to offer changes to the structure or layout of a story, but to test it for ease of readability. It is very readable.
***
One of Nikkis specialities is making sure that men...
spelling:
specialties is spelled wrong.
***
swiss army
recommend:
Swiss Army
(Swiss Army® is a registered trade and the trademark owner capitalizes the name.)
***
wall mounted 60 tv
recommend:
wall mounted 60 TV
(I only point this out because you capitalize TV in all other parts of the story.)
***
...on at this date night
recommend:
...on this date night or ...during this date night.
***
recommend:
As she powered on the TV Sam heard and saw his wife...
***
...
recommend:
...his face and then felt it as her pussy spasmed
(just a typo where you used has instead of as)
***
recommend for clarity:
Sandra had invited Nikki to her party where she gave Sandra's fiancé
(In the original, it was a bit confusing who Tom was.)
***
recommend:
Sam's wife Erin then winked at him,
(Point of view is third person in most of the story. My and me are first person.)
***
(The majority of the story is told in the third person and this is a switch to the first person in mid sentence.)
***
recommend:
Ohhh, ohhh, oh G
(1. point of view from my to "Sam's" 2. the capitalization of God 3. the comma after cum 4. the tense of the verb slamming changed to slammed.)
***
recommend:
At that point Sam
(The rest of the story is told in past tense. So, this should be past tense as well. Also, from "I" to "Sam".)
***
recommend:
Nikki then slid her hand over to Sam's cock and stroked it slowly...
(To maintain the third person point of view. Also, the tense of stroking and stroked. The story is told in the past tense.)
***
recommend:
Sam
(Point of view again. It's mostly third person in the story. But, this is all in the first person. Note: you might want to use him, his or he instead of Sam in some places just to avoid redundancy.)
***
At this point I knew I couldn
recommend:
At this point Sam knew he couldn
***
Do it, Do it, do it,
recommend:
Do it, Do it, do it, She moaned and Sam felt his balls tighten and release,...
(Third person and a space after the quote mark.)
***
***
recommend:
Sam
(Point of view. Also, note the comma after Surprisingly and the use of were versus had been.)
***
recommend:
Before he could reply, Erin jumped on him and began kissing him and then Sam
(Same thing about third person versus first person. Also added a comma after "reply")
***
There are a few additional commas here and there that I'd have done differently. However in casual writing, commas are often used to signify a pause in speech. So, I didn't comment on them.
I did point out a couple of commas that I thought needed adding or fixing. Generally, though you could ignore those suggestions.
What I found online explaining point of view:
First Person Point Of View:
First person is used when the main character is telling the story. This is the kind that uses the "I" narrator. As a reader, you can only experience the story through this person's eyes. So you won't know anything about the people or events that this character hasn't personally experienced.
Second Person Point Of View:
Second person point of view is generally only used in instructional writing. It is told from the perspective of "you".
Third Person Point Of View:
Third person POV is used when your narrator is not a character in the story. Third person uses the "he/she/it" narrator and it is the most commonly used POV in writing.
I don't think Sam will miss his balls. It seems as if they've been figuratively in his wife's purse for years.
The suggestions below mostly have to do with the point of view, tense and a few other suggestions for clarity.
You switch from first person to third person. I am very guilty of the same thing. Especially, when it takes me several days to write a story. I'll often get so involved in writing, that I forget the point of view and tense I'm writing in.
I've included some information on point of view I found online. Most likely information you already know.
There is nothing much to really fix, it would be good the way it is. If you want some structural advice, I can offer some ideas, but would prefer to do so in a private message.
The job of a beta reader isn't to offer changes to the structure or layout of a story, but to test it for ease of readability. It is very readable.
***
One of Nikkis specialities is making sure that men...
spelling:
specialties is spelled wrong.
***
swiss army
recommend:
Swiss Army
(Swiss Army® is a registered trade and the trademark owner capitalizes the name.)
***
wall mounted 60 tv
recommend:
wall mounted 60 TV
(I only point this out because you capitalize TV in all other parts of the story.)
***
...on at this date night
recommend:
...on this date night or ...during this date night.
***
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm As she powered on the TV Sam heard saw his wife...
recommend:
As she powered on the TV Sam heard and saw his wife...
***
...
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm his face and then felt it has her pussy spasmed...
recommend:
...his face and then felt it as her pussy spasmed
(just a typo where you used has instead of as)
***
s.bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm Sandra had invited Nikki to give Tom a special present. Sandra had decided she didnt want to have any children or well at least not Tom
recommend for clarity:
Sandra had invited Nikki to her party where she gave Sandra's fiancé
sbknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm e Tom a special present. Sandra had decided she didnt want to have any children or well at least not Tom
(In the original, it was a bit confusing who Tom was.)
***
recommend:
Sam's wife Erin then winked at him,
(Point of view is third person in most of the story. My and me are first person.)
***
Sam's face.bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm A flood of juices hit his face and Nikki slid off my face.
should be :
A flood of juices hit his face and Nikki slid off
(The majority of the story is told in the third person and this is a switch to the first person in mid sentence.)
***
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm Ohhh, ohhh, oh god fuck. I really want to cum do you really want to cum. Nikki asked as she leaned close to my ear and slamming her pussy down on my cock.
recommend:
Ohhh, ohhh, oh G
Nikki asked as she leaned close to Sam's ear and slammed her pussy down on Sam's cock.bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm od fuck. I really want to cum do you really want to cum,
(1. point of view from my to "Sam's" 2. the capitalization of God 3. the comma after cum 4. the tense of the verb slamming changed to slammed.)
***
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm At that point I was barely processing what happens as ..
recommend:
At that point Sam
ed as ...
(The rest of the story is told in past tense. So, this should be past tense as well. Also, from "I" to "Sam".)
***
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm Nikki then slid her hand over to my cock stroking it slowly...
recommend:
Nikki then slid her hand over to Sam's cock and stroked it slowly...
(To maintain the third person point of view. Also, the tense of stroking and stroked. The story is told in the past tense.)
***
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm I heard her gasping as she increased the pace on her on my cock and I felt my own balls getting ready to explode but somehow I managed to outlast her. Her eyes rolled up as she came hard and then she looked down on me.
recommend:
Sam
Sam's cock and Sam felt hisbknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm heard her gasping as she increased the pace on her on
Sam.bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm balls getting ready to explode but somehow Sam managed to outlast her. Her eyes rolled up as she came hard and then she looked down on
(Point of view again. It's mostly third person in the story. But, this is all in the first person. Note: you might want to use him, his or he instead of Sam in some places just to avoid redundancy.)
***
At this point I knew I couldn
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm t hold out much longer and Nikki seemed to sense it as well. She leaned down to whisper into my ear.
recommend:
At this point Sam knew he couldn
Sam's ear.bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm t hold out much longer and Nikki seemed to sense it as well. She leaned down to whisper into
***
Do it, Do it, do it,
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm She moaned and I felt my balls tighten and release,...
recommend:
Do it, Do it, do it, She moaned and Sam felt his balls tighten and release,...
(Third person and a space after the quote mark.)
***
Sam passed out.bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm Nikki said with a wink and at that point I passed out.
recommend:
Nikki said with a wink and at that point
***
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm I woke up a few hours later feeling groggy and noticed that my hands had been untied. I saw my wife Erin smiling at my feet and noticed she was naked as well. Surprisingly I felt myself harden at the sight. I actually looked shocked.
recommend:
Sam
his hands were untied. He saw his wife Erin smiling at hisbknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm woke up a few hours later feeling groggy and noticed that
he felt himself harden at the sight. He actually looked shocked. bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm feet and noticed she was naked as well. Surprisingly,
(Point of view. Also, note the comma after Surprisingly and the use of were versus had been.)
***
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm Before I could reply Erin jumped on me and began kissing me and then I noticed hanging from her ears were a new set of earrings. Come on my beloved eunuch. While I wear your balls fuck me like you still got a pair.
recommend:
Before he could reply, Erin jumped on him and began kissing him and then Sam
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:33 pm noticed hanging from her ears were a new set of earrings. Come on my beloved eunuch. While I wear your balls fuck me like you still got a pair.
(Same thing about third person versus first person. Also added a comma after "reply")
***
There are a few additional commas here and there that I'd have done differently. However in casual writing, commas are often used to signify a pause in speech. So, I didn't comment on them.
I did point out a couple of commas that I thought needed adding or fixing. Generally, though you could ignore those suggestions.
What I found online explaining point of view:
First Person Point Of View:
First person is used when the main character is telling the story. This is the kind that uses the "I" narrator. As a reader, you can only experience the story through this person's eyes. So you won't know anything about the people or events that this character hasn't personally experienced.
Second Person Point Of View:
Second person point of view is generally only used in instructional writing. It is told from the perspective of "you".
Third Person Point Of View:
Third person POV is used when your narrator is not a character in the story. Third person uses the "he/she/it" narrator and it is the most commonly used POV in writing.
-
bknight1864 (imported)
- Articles: 0
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:27 am
-
Posting Rank
Re: Request for a Beta Reader
thank you this is exactly what I wanted a beta reader for. I need some time to make the changes and then I will submit them to you via PM for a more detailed thoughts.
-
TopManFL (imported)
- Articles: 0
- Posts: 924
- Joined: Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:15 am
-
Posting Rank
Re: Request for a Beta Reader
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Wed Jan 30, 2019 3:06 pm thank you this is exactly what I wanted a beta reader for. I need some time to make the changes and then I will submit them to you via PM for a more detailed thoughts.
Hey @bknight1864,
You're welcome. Remember, you can't private message until you've posted five posts in the forum and you are up to only number three.
-
bknight1864 (imported)
- Articles: 0
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2012 12:27 am
-
Posting Rank
Re: Request for a Beta Reader
I am still not seeing the option to send a PM. I am at five posts now.
Re: Request for a Beta Reader
bknight1864 (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 31, 2019 7:57 am I am still not seeing the option to send a PM. I am at five posts now.
Top of your screen, click on notifications. You will see what you want there.