Shame and regret...but I’d do it again!

[Qunuch81 (imported)]

A lot of wannabes come on the forums looking for advice because they worry that they’ll experience regret post-castration. I want to share my experience with that.

I was castrated in 2015. Since then, my relationship to it has really run the gamut. During sex, I love being a eunuch. When I’m around other modded men, I love being a eunuch. Yet often during the day to day I experience some shame and regret. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I often think that intact men are “more man” than me and that’s a cause for shame. I can be in a roomful of guys and it’ll occur to me that I’m probably the only eunuch in the room and I feel alienated.

I do have a tendency to overthink, and I did go through a very difficult period post castration for a range of reasons (medication change, finally addressing childhood abuse experiences, etc.) so there may unfortunately be some operant conditioning happening here too. With any luck, I’ll get it all in perspective at some point.

And yet, I know that if I hadn’t been cut in 2015, it would’ve been in 2016. And if not in 2016, 2017. On top of that, I go through long periods either waxing or waning on going nullo. Which was my exact experience in the years leading up to castration. Very odd, I think, if becoming a eunuch was truly a mistake.

I guess I want to say my experience hasn’t been so clear cut (ha!) As YAY!!!!! or NOOOO!!! I didn’t expect that, and I think it’s interesting. Hopefully, my experience may be helpful to others.

[Nidaho Rachel (imported)]

Thank you for your post!

I have been on the fence for some time now whether to proceed with my desire for castration. So often all we see on these broad's are how much life is better without testicles.

The fact that you still have some regrets, but would do it again and thinking of going nullo is interesting. If you don't mind I would like to learn more.

I wish you well in embracing your life choice. You have a great source here to help you.

[Qunuch81 (imported)]

Hi Nidaho, I pretty much covered it, but I’m happy to elaborate if you have questions.

[TopManFL (imported)]

I was castrated in 2015. Since then, my relationship to it has really run the gamut. During sex, I love being a eunuch. When I’m around other modded men, I love being a eunuch. Yet often during the day to day I experience some shame and regret. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I often think that intact men are “more man” than me and that’s a cause for shame. I can be in a roomful of guys and it’ll occur to me that I’m probably the only eunuch in the room and I feel alienated.

I do have a tendency to overthink, and I did go through a very difficult period post castration for a range of reasons (medication change, finally addressing childhood abuse experiences, etc.) so there may unfortunately be some operant conditioning happening here too. With any luck, I’ll get it all in perspective at some point.

And yet, I know that if I hadn’t been cut in 2015, it would’ve been in 2016. And if not in 2016, 2017. On top of that, I go through long periods either waxing or waning on going nullo. Which was my exact experience in the years leading up to castration. Very odd, I think, if becoming a eunuch was truly a mistake.

I guess I want to say my experience hasn’t been so clear cut (ha!) As YAY!!!!! or NOOOO!!! I didn’t expect that, and I think it’s interesting. Hopefully, my experience may be helpful to others.

There's an old saying, "Never compare your insides to other people's outsides".

I'm not a eunuch, but I have "hidden flaws" in various places on my body. I have what I feel is a limp. Yet, I've known people for years who will have seen me walking on a given day and say, "did you do something to your leg, you're limping". Yet, that limp is almost 40 years old. I have family members who've never seen me not wearing shoes.

I imagine in a business meeting there are people who I'd see as "perfect" who could have many body issues I'm unaware of:

A female worker who's had a breast removed from cancer

Someone with a burn scar from a childhood stove accident

A colleague who is embarrassed by a full "zipper scar" from having had open heart surgery and never goes to the pool or beach

Scoliosis that someone works hard to hide

That person that always sits near the door because they have a colostomy and just in case the colostomy bag needs to by emptied they don't want to be seen leaving to take care of it

Losing massive amounts of weight can leave flabs of skin on the arms, belly and legs - there might be someone in that meeting whose wardrobe has been selected to hide that

I'm not attempting to minimize your feelings about being a eunuch in a room and not knowing if you are the only one. Your feelings are valid and deserve to be acknowledged. People like to "blend in". Which is why so many people hide various body issues.

[Losethem (imported)]

You're an amazing guy. The fact you had the guts to get your testicles removed makes you ever better. You're no less a man than any other you'll meet.

[Begoneboy (imported)]

TopManFL: you hit the nail on the head and drove it deep to the mark. That was perhaps one of the best ways I've read from somebody describing people's often inward feeling in regard to the outward appearances of other folks we come into contact with. So well put and I hope many will ponder it's implications for years to come. There are so many with physical disabilities that could learn from your remark. We all need to after all stop comparing ourselves to others. We are each individual and unique in our own ways. I call this (variety) and it is variety that spins this planet we all share. Thank you for such wonderful encouragement.

[justine77 (imported)]

Hi, castrated Aug 2015 and no regrets. At the time I was a femininized androgyne male with no plans to get cut.

I became a eunuch after tearing and twisting my ball cords in a climbing accident. Nearly 3 years on I am a lot

more feminine and perfectly OK about my eunuch status. The only difficult period for me was the first year post

castration. To start with I was embarrassed about not having any testicles and I had to go through a period

of adjustment before I was au fait with it. Now I feel that being neutered has advantages, it helped me transition

to tgirl and was my ticket into the fascinating world of transgenders, MtFs and eunuchs. Justine x

[Qunuch81 (imported)]

TopMan, thanks for that reply. And LoseThem, you’re a sweetheart as usual ��

The difference between being castrated vs. having a surgical scar is that we live in a gendered world. “Not having balls” means a lot of things a scar does not. I’m not denying that it’s wrong to marginalize anybody. I’m just saying that social programming also plays a role in my self image. Though of course that’s true for all of us...

[sparkey49 (imported)]

I came to a point to where I didn’t care who knew and it was a real freedom for myself and now most who know me know and I joke about it and made up my mind if someone has a problem with it it is their problem not mine!

[shydudexx (imported)]

Qunuch81

Reading your real posting, I am so unsure how to reply.

Me: Castrated in Dec 2017, so 5mo, 24 days ago, by choice.

Overthink - heck yeah. Life is complicated, and isn't all rainbows and daisys. I won't throw a lot of sunshine and lollipos on life, but for me, personalally, it was the correct choice. However, it's a really tricky decision, and you look back and ask a lot of really deep and self-examining questions.