Shamelessly stolen jokes

[Dave (imported)]

Stupidly awful advice for expectant mothers

{Shamelessly stolen jokes edition #3,184)

1. "I was told that I need to shave down there or the baby will get carpet burn."

2. "Someone told my significant other not to bathe because the baby would drown. Their thinking was that the umbilical cord acted as a sort of snorkel from the baby to the mother's navel. If the navel was submerged, the baby wouldn't be able to get air."

3. "Don't sit on stairs — it will cause you to have a miscarriage."

4. I was eight months pregnant when I mentioned at a family dinner that I was scared of labor. My gram shouted, 'You should smoke a blunt!' I just looked at her as she added, 'If you smoke blunts while you're in labor it will keep you calm and help with the pain. I’ll find you some weed — just smoke in the bathroom of the hospital. But wear socks. You have ugly feet and the doctor won’t want to help you if he sees your cracked heels.'”

5. "My mother-in-law told me not to stand under a full moon."

6. "The lady giving me a pedicure suggested I let my husband have extra marital affairs for a few months postpartum so I could recover."

[Dave (imported)]

4 more STRANGE THINGS my TEACHER SAID {from the shamelessly stolen joke file}

- - A teacher said that a person with conjunctivitis can spread it just by looking at you.

- - A biology teacher told me that the T. Rex was only 180 centimeters tall and had wings.

- - We were told to 'sodomize' instead of 'cauterize' the wound.

- - An Economics instructor said that if you make more money you get taxed at a higher rate, so overall you lose money with a promotion.

[ambiguous (imported)]

I got mugged by 6 dwarfs on the way home from the bar last night........

NOT HAPPY

[Dave (imported)]

The Man who invented SpellCheck died today,

May he Rust in Piss.

[Dave (imported)]

The Monkey Joke - version #1

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. It grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some whole limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table ... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." So the man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his pet monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his buttocks, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Dave (imported)]

Chemistry Jokes

I told a chemistry joke and there was no reaction.

Do you have any Sodium Hypobromite? NABrO.

My Teacher threw sodium Chloride at me. That's A Salt.

Hey Baby, I got my Ion You.

Are you full of Beryllium, Gold, and Titanium? That's makes you Be-Au-Ti-Full

I blew up my chemistry set because "oxidants happen."

[Dave (imported)]

The South Hills Village Mall cinema was robbed of $1000 yesterday.

Thieves stole 2 jumbo popcorn, 2 king-sized cokes, and a box of Raisinets.

[kristoff]

The South Hills Village Mall cinema was robbed of $1000 yesterday.

Thieves stole 2 jumbo popcorn, 2 king-sized cokes, and a box of Raisinets.

That reminds me of the semi-truck crash that totally destroyed the cargo. It was loaded with Ramen. Total loss came to about $38.00.

[Dave (imported)]

WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE

Schrodinger's Cat

[fhunter]

WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE

Schrodinger's Cat

It should be:

WANTED: DEAD AND ALIVE