The psychological trauma of circumcision and later epididymitis...

[UKmalesmallpenis (imported)]

I was circumcised just after I started high school, just at the start of puberty really - the reasons were a tight foreskin, with frequent urinary infections. Leading up the operation, I felt a sense of terror, dread and complete loss of control, not to mention anger. After the operation, things were horrendous for a few weeks - the pain, indignity and humiliation of it all and immediately afterwards I developed another infection, which I remember to be like a white mass, plugging up the end of the penis, causing urination to be difficult and painful. Sometimes, I feared the penis was blocked and my urine would be trapped in my penis, luckily this never happened. A few years later, after I was able to ejaculate, immediately after I had ejaculated, I feared my penis would once again become 'blocked' and I would not be able to urinate (again, my fears were unfounded).

For my entire adult life I have suffered erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, often ejaculating well after I have lost my erection - my very limited sex life has been disastrous. I also developed epididymitis aged 16 (long before I was sexually active), which caused me to develop a 'health anxiety', specifically to fear I had testicular cancer - an ultrasound proved negative, although the fear lingered for some time, with me constantly checking for lumps etc. For 20 years now, my right testicle has proved to be sensitive and mildly painful.

These traumatic experiences have now become sexualised, in that it is a source of fantasy and pleasure to think of being circumcised and how my penis looks 'mutilated' etc. I developed an interest in BDSM, particularly being humiliated by women and have a strange fantasy that my circumcision was a punishment for masturbating. I have also sexualised my ED, specifically a desire of being humiliated for this and for having an anxiety disorder. Very real painful insecurities being 'sexualised' in BDSM contexts.

This has ultimately led to me desiring a partial penectomy and removal of my right testicle - bizarrely the type of fears I had years ago being something I now desire to happen. Does anyone have an explanation? The human mind is indeed strange and paradoxical

[paring (imported)]

I've had similar experience, I was circumcised at 1 y.o. When I found that out at 12 y.o. I started to fantasize about genital modifications, such as genital piercing, meatotomy, subincision, for which I had never read, heard or seen any those modifications and that has quickly drifted to castration. Once we used these fantasies to jerk off, they always come back, unless we find some other more exciting fantasies, which is difficult.

Circumcision really cause physical and psychological traumas. I suspect that circumcision has played an important role in castration fantasy for a lot of us here.

[UKmalesmallpenis (imported)]

It is interesting how early psychological traumas can translate into sexual fantasies as adults - I think this is referred to as 'trauma play' in BDSM circles, at least when it involves others, such as dominant females, in a BDSM context.

It is hard to relay just how traumatic my circumcision experience was - it has significantly affected me on a number physical, psychological and social levels - everything from body image, ED and the ability to form an intimate relationship, not to mention the problems with OCD and anxiety I have suffered from over the years (linked to a lack of and need for control according to various therapists I have seen).

[paring (imported)]

"

it has significantly affected me on a number physical, psychological and social levels - everything from body image, ED and the ability to form an intimate relationship

"

Same here, I used to be straight and even homophobic. All my relations with women have failed, due to my butchered circumcision. At 26 y.o. I was so depressed that I wanted to die. I've tried to castrate my self for the first time to stop the sexual frustrations (I wonder if self castration attempt is a form of suicidal act). Eventually, I have fortuitously been sucked off by a man after 6 months of abstinence, which led me to my second attempt. I wasn't born gay. I finally gave in and learned to enjoy it, although I've never had any continuous relation with a man, I've had lot of sex with them.

[UKmalesmallpenis (imported)]

Sorry to hear of your situation causing you to be suicidal paring. I long gave up on sexual relations with women, it has been years in fact now and I doubt I will ever attempt one again. Like you I never thought I would have sexual interests in men, but I have met up with a guy mainly for spanking and this has led to him jerking me off. The next time we meet I may go down on him. Where it will progress after that I have no idea.