Mental health, depression, suicidal thoughts

[erikboy (imported)]

Mostly we worry about people who might make irreversible decision to get castrated, and then regret it.

But I think there are many people out there who have suicidal thoughts because they have such a bizarre desire (to get castrated or being homosexual) that is in conflict with his other desires or values or social acceptance. It feels like life is meaningless whatever you choose, and you are not happier if you don't choose anything. This is exactly what I feel. It hurts. Don't worry, I am not going to kill myself, or cut or whatever. I almost succeeded killing myself when I was 15 and after that attempt I promised myself not to repeat that. Over years I have learned how to deal with that, but time to time depression returns and suicidal thoughts along it. It hurts. Why it have to be me? When I see a happy couple, it hurts. When I see someone get divorced or dumped, it still hurts, because they can move on and be honest about almost everything. I can't bo open to anybody. Being open, means most probably loosing most of my friends and people I ever knew. Loosing social status as well. It would be better then to leave a country and try to live somewere else. Which isn't much better solution either.

Out of curiosity I asked mr. google "suicidal thoughts" and I opened first suggested page, and it tells me:

"You're not alone; many of us have had suicidal thoughts at some point in our lives. Feeling suicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn't mean that you are crazy, or weak, or flawed. It only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. This pain seems overwhelming and permanent at the moment. But with time and support, you can overcome your problems and the pain and suicidal feelings will pass."

That must be somekind of a joke I thought. There is a big reason why I feel alone, and exactly, I am crazy and flawed from any normal person point of view, And I have been coping with this pain since my teens. I am weak too. It is so easy to make me feel bad about myself. It is hard for me to accept what I am. I keep trying to forget how much I hate myself. Sometimes it feels that it is better for everyone that they just forget that I've ever been around and I wish I could just vanish into air. There is no support, there is no solution, and it all continues. But still, don't worry, I have my small but very important reasons to carry on. I will cry little bit, deplore myself, get some sleep and I will be better in the morning. Pure brain chemistry works well.

I've never been so open about myself here. I hope people who feel the same way would feel less alone.

Damn, how shitty I feel right now.

Crying helps.

[Paolo]

We all have our own deep, personal hurts to cope with.

Anyone who says they don't have any - are liars - in my opinion. You most certainly are not alone. It takes a lot to come out and admit such on even an Internet forum, much less in person. The fact that you can do it says a lot.

I seldom discuss these things with anyone. Having had a close friendship with our Jesus A. here since about 2001, he probably knows more about me than anyone.

Then there's The Usual Suspects, the crew of the Mothership EA. I can honestly say, that without this forum, and the wonderful people I met here, I'd probably be long since dead.

[kristoff]

It hurts to read your post. Much of what you feel I have felt. It came to the point that I had to decide who was going to be in my life. The friends ("friends") and family that wouldn't back me up in being who I was, were no longer friends and family. I found new friends and made and chose my own family. It required a great deal of resilience, which I think you have. It can still be a lonely time, but I do have those I can lean on. It might be hard to accomplish but you have the strength I think! I had to make a geographic change, as well, a couple of times - frightening at times, but worth it. Be true to yourself, not the expectations of others.

[Ernie of Maine (imported)]

Paolo I for one have never that way! I am NOT A LIAR! Contrary to your opinion! I have down times however nothing like Erikboy

We all have our own deep, personal hurts to cope with.

Anyone who says they don't have any - are liars - in my opinion. You most certainly are not alone. It takes a lot to come out and admit such on even an Internet forum, much less in person. The fact that you can do it says a lot.

I seldom discuss these things with anyone. Having had a close friendship with our Jesus A. here since about 2001, he probably knows more about me than anyone.

Then there's The Usual Suspects, the crew of the Mothership EA. I can honestly say, that without this forum, and the wonderful people I met here, I'd probably be long since dead.

[Paolo]

Then you've led a blessed and charmed life, Ernie.

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

Thank you for this threath erikboy! I'm not alone and you are not alone. The details may be different, but in general we are living the same story. I remember the priest saying during the religion lesson at high school: "At your age you can not have serious problems, that coms later." My inner reaction was: "You don't know what you are saying, you don't know how much I suffer, you don't know anything about my problems and pain."

Around 25 I considered suicide. The thought that the friends with who I was sharing the house would find me and would be hurt a lot by my act, kept me from doing it. In fact it was a turning point in my life one of many to come. "You are not alone" can be said in many situations, being gay, hurting my genitals and most of all this çrazy thought, the desire to get castrated. Finding the EA was so important, now I feel much happier. I'M NOT ALONE!

I can tell a lot more about the subject but wo'nt, beside that a friend who was into ball busting, recently died in a depression - his balls were not his only problem. This lost hurts, it hurts so much.

[TheThingy (imported)]

True, the details may differ. I am not gay, but a social weirdo with no friends, no chance to have a girlfriend, in a foreign country far away from where I grew up. Been like this for almost a decade. The only salvation is having useful abilities, which keep me busy as long as I am awake. But depressive burndowns happen.

[tugon (imported)]

Suicide has always been my Plan B but luckily Plan A has not run out of options yet. I was walking my dog the other day and once again I was flooded by such a sense of wrongness about myself that I almost collapsed. Between the weight of things I did that were wrong and all the things others told me were wrong it can be a crushing burden. I have a very tough time forgiving myself and still feel bad about a time I was milk monitor in grade school. I am not sure if it comes from having a mother who never bonded with me or a father who bondaged with me or my catholic education. I took that shit too much to heart. I guess my curiosity about tomorrow keeps me going.