New years resolution: out of the closet

[Bitrans3 (imported)]

After 60 years of therapy, I finally took the test. COAGIATI score 280. My blood pressure is through the roof. I don't sleep well. Tired of making excuses and lying to myself. The closet is slowly and painfully killing me. I should have done something in 1965, when the paperwork was easier. I should have done something when I was in San Francisco and had the contacts. I have been fighting to stay "safe" since I was about 8. Knew I was bi when I was 10. Can't be both, can't be neither. Going for none of the above. If I don't, it will probably kill me. New Years Resolution: Get out of the closet. I have been watching the site for ten years. It helps me every day. Hardest part will be my spouse. We will deal with it in family counseling.

[jcat (imported)]

Good luck. Please keep us in the loop. Many of us have struggled like you for over half a century with the same issues.

[Frida G Cavic (imported)]

Good luck and be safe!

[Bitrans3 (imported)]

I am putting together a blog entry about the whole story, and will post it here. I wish our country were more accepting, as closets are suffocating places. I feel safe here. I am deeply grateful for your concern. I still haven't figured out how to break it to my wife, as she's ignorant of the whole thing except the steady flow of gays and trangendered people through my life. She gets along well with them, even so she really doesn't have a clue about the agony they go through on a daily basis. I know enough about it to be a good resource, because it's me, and it keeps me sane to help others. If I hadn't wanted children, I would have done it in 1970, when the paperwork was easier. Now my kids are grown, and I hope they will understand. I am pretty sure that my daughter does. She worked tirelessly for LGBT causes in high school and college. My sister shared the same demons, but she came out fifteen years ago, and is very happy, and accepted by the family. My greatest fear is that I waited too long.

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

Good luck with the blog project, not easy.

I am struck that along with the many complexities, there seems to be a cheering generational shift in acceptance.

While I number a good many of LGBT in my daily life, my daughter has even more ease in accepting a full spectrum of various and even changing sexuality in good friends and acquaintances, while keeping her own preferences separate. The future looks better!

[Bitrans3 (imported)]

My son is having a great deal of difficulty processing and accepting my push for the truth. As of now I am back to being more female... kind of like New York where I was basically a female in drag. I was uncomfortable in the gay scene, as they were just too flamboyant. I have my transition team in place. They are a great help and support. As I develop courage, I have been shopping. I bought Danskin Cheerleader panties. The spandex gymnastic shorts didn't have enough lift. I can wear the panties without tape and present smooth. In a couple of weeks I am going to tell my therapist with my wife present. Hopefully I can save my marriage. I think she will like lesbian sex better anyway. I just need to convince her its for the better for both of us. I wish there was an at home kit for testing T levels. I am researching herbs, until I find a transitional therapist to prescribe hormones. My son keeps saying, "Don't do it Dad". I know he loves me, but I can't live the way I was anymore. I need to find the person I was, in the tree house, in Pennsylvania, before the scandal. A child should never go through a scandal like that. Children can be so cruel.

[Felixhelped (imported)]

I think I can speak for a number of people when I say that we can appreciate the hell you are going through. The tone here is being supportive and upbeat, and sometimes what doesn't get expressed is the confusion, hurt feelings, and hostility you have to face if life didn't equip you with a completely standard sexuality. You will find (and have found already) some people who are supportive, some that are neutral and some that are hostile. Unfortunately, when the latter category is family, you have some tough choices to make about continuing relationships. But you didn't choose the way you feel; it's a given. Your son has chosen his stance. You both need to live with your choices. I will give him the benefit of the doubt that his opposition comes from love and his sincere viewpoint of what his best for you. But in the last analysis it's your life.

I hope for your sake that your wife learns to be OK with this but you should assume she will not be. If she can ride this out with you, what a wonderful bonus--but don't plan on it.

Good luck!

[jcat (imported)]

Felixhelped, you put that so well. The struggle and agony coupled with fear and shame have been the daily regime for so many of us, especially those of us of a certain age. The world has changed so much for younger people, thank God.

Bitrans3, My heart goes out to and I hope and pray that your next brave steps have a good outcome for you and your family.

[Bitrans3 (imported)]

I went to my therapist of twenty years. I handed him my COGIATI score and a couple of things I have written about coming out. He told me he'd been expecting me to come out for years. He wasn't in the least surprised. He read my novel. He says I should explore the true self for as far as I need to. He gave me a list of resources and I am going back Wednesday to see about a gender specialist psychiatrist for hormones. He says I really need them. I should have been on them in adolescence.

He also started doing more frequent appointments. I am keeping a journal documenting the process of abandoning the male persona and become Helga, the person I was all along. Basically a bisexual cat lady who writes stories and poems. I know one thing for sure, I won't ever be a bikini model. I have tucked since the age of five. taped since I was ten. Cross dressed anytime I figured I wouldn't get busted for it. My wife and son are having a lot of difficulty with it, but they are still here. I have wanted to go surgical since I read about the first surgery in 1965. Most of my friends are really friends. they are being very supportive. I am still afraid though. Not of the change, but the reaction of the xenophobes and the haters out there. Hopefully, my transition will be uneventful. The thing most working in my favor is the fact that nobody ever really looks at old women. I will simply not associate with the people that I know will hurt me. I am using mirrors now! I hated the male me so much that I couldn't look in a mirror and enjoy it. I set up a full length mirror, just for me!

[Hopeful1 (imported)]

Bitrans3, I hope everything works out with your wife. I am lucky in that I came out to my wife when she was still my fiancee many years ago so she's sort of been expecting this for years. Her comments about what family will do and how they react are simply, "We'll deal with it." In fact one night when I was having a crying fit, she told me she felt guilty thinking she has kept me from transitioning before now. My therapist has recommended me for hormones and an orchiectomy so I don't have to use a blocker. My appointment for HRT is next Tuesday the 8th and the orchi is the next Monday the 14th. As far as being scared, I'm terrified but I'm still doing this. Yes, there are assholes out there so just try to keep your head up and watch what is going on around you. I don't know where you live but fortunately I live in an area where I'm allowed to protect myself. It's all scary but the alternative is my wife keeping my ashes in a urn on the shelf.