Introduction

[Obscuron (imported)]

Forum introductions are hard for me; the challenge is to distill and edit my life story to the point where it shows how I belong on that forum, without being so long it's boring. I'll try, though.

Probably the most pertinent piece of information is that I have been gender queer since I was old enough for gender to matter. In this world there are people who identify as either male or female, those who are basically asexual, and then there are people like me who are basically on the buffet plan. For the vast majority of my life I have felt like I was living under cover, trying to learn the tells and wear the right costume to pass as a cis-male. It hasn't helped that, although I have had many different jobs and I have three college degrees, the only industry where I have ever been able to make decent money is construction. You just can't act too butch in construction, if you want to last.

The second most important piece of information is that I have always had an insanely high sex drive. I guess this isn't a bad thing, in and of itself. However, most of the things I regret doing in my life have something to do with sex. It has gotten a little better now that I am hitting middle age and the testosterone is slacking off, but it is still a constant battle to control my hypersexual urges. For a long time, I tried dating people who were as hypersexual as I am. Unfortunately, most of them had other psychological problems or were addicted to more than just sex, which made for all sorts of drama.

In the last 4 or 5 years I have been increasingly convinced that I am transexual. It is entirely possible that I am FTM. Behaviorally, I tend to exhibit female traits slightly more often than male. When I'm not trying to pass as straight, I am more likely to shop on the women's side of the store. But I am starting to suspect that I am FTE. I really, really want to be free from testosterone. I feel like if I didn't have a sex then I could pick and choose the best attributes from all the genders. I feel like if I could just escape from my abnormal sex drive then I could get ahead in life. I feel like the body that would most match my psyche would be a (slightly feminine) Eunuch, and I am definitely considering chemical and/or surgical castration within the next couple of years.

All of these musings were fairly academic until now, but my long-time partner recently took a civil service job with rather excellent benefits. They have coverage for domestic partners through Kaiser which, here in California at least, is known for rather excellent trans-health coverage. There seems to be a real possibility that, as long as I figure out what I want, I will be able to get insurance to pay for it (getting shrinks to write down what I want them to is a skill I mastered by the time I was out of puberty).

The problem is that my life is going really well now, and I'm not sure if I want to rock the boat. My partner and I are finally both done with school. She has a good job and is able to support me as a stay-at-home housewife so I can concentrate on my writing. Some of my stuff is beginning to get published and, while I haven't made much money off it yet, I feel like my writing career is finally taking off. Our sex life, while absolutely not vanilla, is really good. It seems like I would be a fool to change that, right?

But still, I've been thinking about being castrated since about 2005. My previous partner was actually a cutter. I actually asked her to castrate me back then, but she stalled and said she didn't have the right stuff. She specialized in gunshot wounds and drug ODs, but she could have done an orchiectomy, no problem; she did thousands of them before they yanked her veterinary license). But we broke up a few months later, and the opportunity passed.

I have spoken to my partner about my desire to transition to be a eunuch, and she didn't get shocked and run away, but she had some serous reservations. Her main objection is a fear that I will not be as affectionate after my sex drive is gone. She claims that the main reason that I am so dutiful and cuddly is because I am sexually frustrated (she keeps me locked in chastity for 3 of 4 months at a stretch). I think I would be just as into her without hormones, but I just don't know. She also says that two many things have changed in our life lately, and I should stop and catch up before making another major life change.

So that's where I am. I am really feeling like I want to transition to being a Eunuch, but at the same time I need to go slowly, gather information, and make sure I have buy-in from my partner before proceeding.