The Eternal Quest to Please Everyone!

[Studlover (imported)]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 1

RE: Holiday Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on

December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill

House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band

playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised

if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at

1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,

no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's

pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 2

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We

recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with

Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're

calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other

employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation

Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We

will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that

reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to

handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the

union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe

$10.00 is very little for a gift.

NO GIFT EXCHANGES ARE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!

I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which

forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not

accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of

the party, or else package everything for you to take it home in a little

foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of

Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women

will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with

Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower a

arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing is allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the

salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure

to taste first.

There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics. The restaurant cannot

supply "No Sugar" desserts.

Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All #$%^&*! Employees

DATE: December 10

RE: The %#*&^%@*%^ Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this

party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly

at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,

and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponics tomatoes. But

you know, they have feelings, too.

Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing

them scream right now!

HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear

me!?!?!!!!!\

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from

her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at

the sanatorium.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give

everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

.

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