Time to introduce myself

[Marian-Zero (imported)]

I am in this forum for a several time now, now I think it is time to say something about me.

Obviosly I am not native english sepaker.

I am married. I have children I never want to miss. I am asexual.

I never had a real sex drive or joy on sex ... fortunatly my wife has low desiere too and I can give her what she wants nearly without intercourse. I don't like sex but I don't have a strong disgust so I can do it. I dont feel any sexual attraction to men or women (or things or whatever), so I am not gay and not heterosexual but I love my wife. Love and sex are two totally seperated things.

When someone manipulates my penis I get an erection and later a normal ejaculation but this is - boring. In this moments I literally think about doing more interesting things to do like the dish in the kitchen...

I have absolutely no castration phantasie. In fact the idea of beiing castrated makes me frighten. This is one reason I don't look for a cutter.

So I am not really a member of the eunuch community because I have no sexual impact or sexual idea related to castration. Even the often cited "eunuch calm" is not the point - I dont have a drive anyway. "Top - Bottem" or other BDSM Categories don't fit obviously.

I feel more and more that my body is wrong. It begun in childhood, I knew I am not a boy but never want to be a girl too. I had the fantasy of having a smooth crotch, I wished I was like some reptile-people in comics between the legs. Today I look naked into the mirror and think: This is not me. I feel the mirror is wrong. This is not the reflection of "me". I have a discomfort with all my sings of manhood but never wish to have the sings of a women. I never cross dressed but I tryed in my youth to infabulate with glue and did other things like this. This feeling is sometimes less, for months, and then it comes back and with every return it is stronger. I look like a man but I am no man. I am no woman. I am a human.

This is not really a BDD or BIID - I think my body is OK, it is not that I want to loose something, I even don't like to loose my genitals. They are simply wrong. My body is OK, there is just the wrong sex - I feel it should not have any sex. I am not realy in the wrong body but in a way trapped in having a body with a sex... trapped because it prevents me from beiing myself ... sonds a bit contradictious, every time I try to describe I don't find the words.

To correct this implies unfortunately to loose the genitals (and a bit more but the thing with the genitals is the biggest issue)... as I saied: I am afraid of this but I wish the result.

People like me can be called neutrois. There are some other words, I prefer neutrois. I don't like the term male-to-enuch gender identiy disphoria (MtE GID) for me because I don't try to loose my testicels (= become eunuch) but try to become physically as sexless as possible. Mentaly I am alredy sexless in a certain way.

You can take asexual as a sexual orientation and neutrois as the cis-related gender. So a man who want to be neutrois is transgendered. I am genetically male but feel as a neutrois so I am male-to-neutrois transgender.

So I belong to the transsexual community but - this community is completely caught up in the binary thinking (even if the strongly reject this, they are). Talking to a transsexual cause at least the same resault like to anybodys, often worse. They are so busy about there own sexuality that they don't understand that anybody feels sexless.

And the medicin don't accept the concept of neutrtois too.

OK, why I am here?

I just looking around here for information about developments (even the legal opportunities - I want to know if ther opens a bridge for people like me) in this area of helath care. I am interested in health issues, surgical methods and maybe support and maybe I find contact to other neutrois. This seems to be a very seldom species.

[msts1945 (imported)]

Good on you. I understand and have sympathy for you. I hope you finally decide what to do, and get what you desire

[Marian-Zero (imported)]

The decission was made - the only way to bring feeling and body in concidence is surgery. The question is: How. I want it save and legal.

The transistion to neutrois is much more, it includes other male sexual charcterstics too like beard. At the other hand I found not to look female by accident is not so easy but very important.

The removal of genitals is the most problematic and drastic step. At the same time this step is absolutly not important because nobody sees, it is only for me - if this is done then I am sure "yes I am sexless, I am what I feel now" and I am sure then I find the rest of my appearence. Then I can express myself. And this is why it is the most important step at the same time :/

Great would be an acceptance as a neutral gender ... but I can't have everything at once.