I did a really mad thing

[jcat (imported)]

Happy New Year! 28 days later I took the dressing off for the last time It has all healed up, just a little red and tender skin...... I did start to get a fungal infection on the skin around the wetness of the constant anti-septic dressing. But, fortunately i have good stocks of medical supplies so dealt with it in 2 days.

I still have a knot of hard scar tissue that will take a long time to soften.

On another level, I have done a lot of thinking and counselling, not to mention thinking over the traumas of my early life and how those has all come home to roost. Overall I think I am in a better place. I am really shocked now at how I sat there for 6 hours cutting away and it is scary to think that I felt virtually no pain and looking at the video I did, I am deeply shocked by my calm determination all the way through.

I have been fortunate not to have sustained any infection and other complications although who knows what damage I have done inside........

The great irony is that having done this and had some counselling and been able to confront one of the people who sexually abused me as a child I am feeling so much better about myself. I have a level of closure and understanding about some things that makes the burden of what I carry a lot lighter.

I seem to have reached a place of sexual calm, they don't function anymore and I am feeling really good not having any thoughts abut sex or even gender. I am in a neutral state and feel rather good about it.

What I would say to anyone as desperate as I have been and have demonstrated. Seek help early and don't do as I have done. I have been careful with sterile cleansing etc and I have been lucky. Having had sepsis from a prostate ulcer i can tell you that it is no joke hallucinating and fluctuating between extremes of temperature. be wise. This cat has probably used its nine lives.

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

Good to know that this fine cat is still with us. -We tend to like cats, but nobody seems to know why!

Sometimes good to take stock of life after an adventure. Better still is to know that you feel better now.

Nuts are best left to the doc!

[Riverwind (imported)]

Glad to hear that your OK and everything is healing nicely without infections.

Be safe,

River

[jcat (imported)]

Hello All, I am still around. Four months later all my scar tissue has softened and the scar is almost invisible to the untrained eye. Just wanted to let you know I am alive! At the beginning of February I started getting erections again, in spite of all the injections etc. I panicked and took a shot of depro provera. As soon as Testosterone hits me I start thinking about hacking them off again. I am still seeing a councillor and she has been really helpful. Since December I have been in a really calm place and the shock of rising T really took me by surprise. I guess the depro is better than a scalpel!

I realised that all my counselling sessions have been clouded by the effects of the depro and my feelings have not been completely real. The depro is starting to wear off and I am prepared for it this time. So next week I go off to see the councillor again.

Ultimately, I know that my peace is found in having them removed. I am hoping that I have damaged them enough to go to the doctor when I am completely healed.

I have a lot of pain these days and both sides are very tender with a burning sensation quite often. The testicles are very small, hard and lumpy and in spite of all I have put them through they still produce T. Testicles are an amazing , resilient thing!

I have promised myself not to take things into my own hands, not to mention promises to some people close to me. It is also probably too risky for me to continue alcohol injections as I really do not know the extent of the damage left inside from my self mutilation. So I am taking each day at a time. If I get desperate I have depro with acts really quickly and calms me down in hours.

[jcat (imported)]

As you can see from other post elsewhere I have started to inject again. This with a mixture of alcohol and Calcium Chloride. To try and finish them off and get the safely removed. No matter how hard I try to control the desire to have them removed I can't it just keeps coming back. The results of scans should eventually force their removal.

[jcat (imported)]

Almost 12 months ago in December I did this crazy thing in this thread and have spent the last 12 months recovering physically and emotionally. I can feel the same sense of desperation building up again and am really concerned that I am heading in the same direction again. So, as a precaution I am reminding myself and my fiends here. Needing some support right now. I see the urologist next week and hope he will do the right thing.

[Kangan2008 (imported)]

Almost 12 months ago in December I did this crazy thing in this thread and have spent the last 12 months recovering physically and emotionally. I can feel the same sense of desperation building up again and am really concerned that I am heading in the same direction again. So, as a precaution I am reminding myself and my fiends here. Needing some support right now. I see the urologist next week and hope he will do the right thing.

My dear friend (although we have never met in person), please listen to me.... Just now, God woke me up and told me to log on. After reading your post I know why....

Testosterone in certain people causes them to do strange and dangerous things. From puberty onward I spent nearly 10-years engaging in bizarre and illegal sexual activity, got into serious trouble, attempted suicide, spent untold sums on lawyers and psychiatrists, etc., waged war with my own urges for another 40-years, and finally found relief through surgery. I have been Testosterone free for 6-years. What a blessing.

If I can survive all of this - so can you. I am so pleased that you have told a family member, since you need all the help and support that you can get. We here at EA can only give support via texting from afar. You need to have a frank discussion with your urologist - show him these posts if need be - they show your true feelings and underscore the urgency of your request.

Gender dysphoria is a real condition. There is a cure. You know what needs to be done, and how to do it right. Good luck and Godspeed!

[jcat (imported)]

My dear friend (although we have never met in person), please listen to me.... Just now, God woke me up and told me to log on. After reading your post I know why....

Testosterone in certain people causes them to do strange and dangerous things. From puberty onward I spent nearly 10-years engaging in bizarre and illegal sexual activity, got into serious trouble, attempted suicide, spent untold sums on lawyers and psychiatrists, etc., waged war with my own urges for another 40-years, and finally found relief through surgery. I have been Testosterone free for 6-years. What a blessing.

If I can survive all of this - so can you. I am so pleased that you have told a family member, since you need all the help and support that you can get. We here at EA can only give support via texting from afar. You need to have a frank discussion with your urologist - show him these posts if need be - they show your true feelings and underscore the urgency of your request.

Gender dysphoria is a real condition. There is a cure. You know what needs to be done, and how to do it right. Good luck and Godspeed!

Thank you Kangan, I am a believer too and the fact that you were awoken from sleep means a lot. My story is similar to your own then! I believe a testosterone free life would be perfect for me and on my journey when it has been really low is when I have been at peace. i am trying to remain in control of this and from EA I do get great strength. I did promise Talula that I would come for help after my last episode and so here I am.

Your post confirms to me so much and puts me at ease, I feel as if I have some angels looking after me, even some eunuch angels!! Thanks

[YodaNell (imported)]

Hey jCat, from what I understand is that if you've injected Calcium Chloride, your testicles will atrophy which will prompt the docs to remove it. Seeing you have gone the CC route, try to be more patient and give your nuts chance to die off. You should start to feel the effects of low T levels soon, and not long from now your nuts will be removed the proper way. Just don't be to impatient and cut them off yourself.

How long ago (and how much CC) have you injected CC?

Keep cool

Y

[jcat (imported)]

Hey jCat, from what I understand is that if you've injected Calcium Chloride, your testicles will atrophy which will prompt the docs to remove it. Seeing you have gone the CC route, try to be more patient and give your nuts chance to die off. You should start to feel the effects of low T levels soon, and not long from now your nuts will be removed the proper way. Just don't be to impatient and cut them off yourself.

How long ago (and how much CC) have you injected CC?

Keep cool

Y

Hi Yoda, I did it a few months ago(1ml) and again 2 weeks ago(right 2ml) and this morning (left 1.5ml). Massively swollen the size of a tennis ball from and almond size! I am going to A&E tonight.