I did a really mad thing

[jcat (imported)]

I won't say stupid, because I am driven.

After a bad hernia repair I have suffered continual testicular pain and a large epidydimal cyst, at one point is suspected cancer but got the all clear. (since 2004)

The pain never went and in the midst of this I have toyed with DIY castration and thanks to the wise leaders of EA have found the support to slow down and be wiser.

In 2013 I started to inject with 96.5% Vodka and this has helped, coupled with depro Provera and estrogen injections I am feeling much better than ever in my life.

However have reached that point where I have to remove them. All the dire warnings and risks that are very real and should be understood. On top of that having gender dysphoria....

EA has saved me from this course of action in the past. I can't go on anymore and now they must go so this is what I have done:

I started to cut the sack open slowly downward away from myself. It is really hard to do it to your self and see what you are doing. I started at 23:00 and gave up at 5:00 am. 6 hours......

Basically I have a really thick scrotum and I could not get through the inner sack. In the end I had so many cuts it was getting dangerous so I stitched it up. Shortly to discover that the area between the sack and my cutting was very swollen (not surprising and filling with blood)

So very calmly I cleaned up the place and then removed a couple of stitches and put a small silicone drain in which is letting the blood out and hopefully will all heal up.

I think that I will have a very hard area along the line of the cut and my scrotum will be distorted.

That was all 5 hours ago and the swelling seems to be going down and the blood is just dripping out now. All good signs I hope.

Of course the risk of infection is now 100 times what is would have been had I been successful. I am somewhat amazed that there was virtually no pain as I sliced into the scrotum. More from chaffed skin pulling the sack to try and get a decent angle.

I have taken no pain killers at all.

I await the after shock from wiser people here. I can't help it I am driven and in spite of having dead nuts through injections and drugs I simply want the removal of my genitals and it drives to do things beyond my control.

I think I realise for the first time that I am a danger to myself and need some help.

You could say I have balls of Steel.

Amazingly I have more 'Pain' from the chafing and pulling of the skin to try and get a grip to cut than from the cutting itself.

It would be very easy to do this to someone else but it is extremely hard to do it to your self the angles are all wrong. If I had the experience of cutting someone else then I think I would have found it easier. It is what it is and I daresay there will be lots of comments of 'stupid', 'foolish' etc.

That is not going to help me or anyone else in the same desperate mental/emotional state that I am in.

I guess there are the obvious things' Don't do this' Sorry I am driven something comes over me and my iron will ignores the pain and I can sit the for 6 hours hacking away with a scalpel.

The immediate thing is advice from anyone who has done similar and had inner scrotal bleeding. I think I have done all the would do in a hospital, put a drain in.

I feel like a naughty child coming home to Talula, Dave, Uncle Flo and Kristoff saying "I have been a bad bad boy!"

I have lived with so much intense testicular pain for so long that the pain in doing this is no more than a pin prick to me. Even now whilst I am sore I can't feel any pain as such, a slight discomfort at most.

I really am in a very very dangerous state of mind and I can't seem to control it.

[jcat (imported)]

I did something else too! I just called my elder brother and told him I tried to castrate myself last night! He listened and is being amazingly supportive. Somehow, as I said to Talula in a private post the planets seemed to have aligned and so much has come in to focus for me. Outside of the anominity of the web this side of me is unknown to my family. So maybe there is hope for me.

The bleeding is slowing down and the drain is letting out less and there is no more swelling or signs of blood retention. Would still like to hear from anyone who has done similar and how you dealt with the drain etc.

Thank God for EA

[talula]

Hugs. You are not alone.

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

First: Do not do this alone, if shock or serious bleeding starts you will not be able to get help for yourself. We would like to have you around for a long time. Second: There are many here who know the need to be rid of their testicles. Third: never hesitate to bring your thoughts to the readers of this forum, if we criticize you it is because we care what happens to you. --FLO--

[jcat (imported)]

Thanks I need them right now.

Hugs. You are not alone.

[jcat (imported)]

First: Do not do this alone, if shock or serious bleeding starts you will not be able to get help for yourself. We would like to have you around for a long time. Second: There are many here who know the need to be rid of their testicles. Third: never hesitate to bring your thoughts to the readers of this forum, if we criticize you it is because we care what happens to you. --FLO--

That is why I am here, i know you care

This has been an epiphany for me, especially talking to my brother...stuff that I have carried fir 54 years is all coming to the surface and I realised that I am also grieving the death of my Mum at Christmas last year.

I will explain all as it becomes clear. I love you guys and really appreciate the support and genuine concern.

[jcat (imported)]

Swelling tissue I am getting slight swelling along the lines of the cuts, this is the trauma to the tissue. I think. I still have the drain in and some blood is coming out. Not a lot but enough to need the dressing changing every 2-3 hours.

[fhunter]

I hope you will be okay.

Please, be careful. Genital area can bleed rather badly, and it is just not safe.

[jcat (imported)]

Good Morning All,

Yesterday was a busy day for me, a normal day at work plus setting up a new sound system in a local church that helps the homeless, up and down scaffolds and ladders so by the end of the day I was stretched and very sore.

Yes of course I am crazy!

I am worried about infection, I have been monitoring my blood pressure and temperature and it is ok so far. This morning I feel no soreness or tenderness. I looked but they had not dropped off in the night! No sign of infection and the drain seems to me working ok.

It all feels ok..It is going to be many days before I am out of the woods.

[jcat (imported)]

After a restful day yesterday, I woke up this morning with very little blood in the dressing from the drain

and the swelling seems to be going down.

I am not quite sure how many of my 9 lives I have left!