A long overdue explanation

[raymar2020 (imported)]

Hi All,

Recently thru the Personals and other places I have received many requests to talk about how I came to be who I am , so I felt it time to post a thread to tell all.

I was born 2 weeks late and in almost all ways a very healthy baby. The challenge was that I came from the womb without testicles. They could not find them. It was assumed that they were merely undescended and the pediatricians watched for them. When I was two they finally did identify two small lumps far up in my abdomen as testicles. My Father was immensely relieved. This also triggered my regular visits with a pediatric urologist.

As I aged and grew it was expected that the testicles would slowly migrate into the scrotum, but when this did not happen an orchiopexy was suggested. The urologist told my Father that should they find the testicles to be unviable, that they would simply be removed. My Father later confessed that he would not approve that surgery since he did not want to be guilty of castrating his own child.

The pediatric urologist that I was seeing believed that it was best for boys who were "different" to know they were not alone, and with the blessings of parents arranged that his young patients knew each other. I became fairly good friends with several. Two brothers among them both born within a year, and both born undescended. They developed infections in the small and undeveloped testicles and they were removed. Their parents were raising two eunuchs. We had sleep overs and went places together and it was nice to know that I was not alone. I hung out with the boys in the neighborhood too, and as such saw boys with testicles. I frankly thought they were pretty gross, and felt fortunate that I was not afflicted with them.

Throughout my young life it was regularly suggested that either an attempt at orchiopexy or simply removal be done. My Father steadfastly refused. He did however agree to take me to see a doctor who was supposed to be doing wonders with children of questionable sex. Dr.John Money was at Johns Hopkins at that time, and it was the height of his "research". I was about ten, and remember that they took me to a fairly small room to wait while he "consulted" with my parents. Actually they were watching me thru a two way mirror. The room had an array of toys in it, both "boy" toys and "girl" toys. One of them was a large metal dollhouse and all the furniture. The furniture was scattered around the table the dollhouse was sitting on, and my already OCD brain needed to fix that. I went to the table first , arranged all the furniture in the dollhouse and then went in search of cars and trucks to play with.

Dr. Money's assessment of my actions was that I was not really male, since I had immediately gone to the "girl" toys and that my shift to the cars and trucks was motivated by my forced maleness and societal pressures. Somewhere I have his report, (my Mother gave it to me years later). His recommendation to my parents was that I should have the testicles removed and my penis as well. They should then raise me as a female, and when the time was appropriate I would have surgery to create a functional vagina.

My father nearly punched him out. I was not present but my Mother told me years later that my Father ranted on and on about perversion, and the insanity of removing male parts from a child just because the child chose to touch a "girl's" toy first. He went on to say that they had brought me to Hopkins in the hope that some treatment might be available that would solve my testicular issues. Trying to turn me into a girl was NOT on the adgenda.

I will note that years later I related the "toy episode" to a therapist I saw for a while, and she felt that knowing how obsessed with neatness I always was, that "organizing" the dollhouse was a very normal and correct thing, and had nothing to do with gender identity.

At age eleven , since I was producing none, I was started on testosterone therapy. The dosage started low, and was only marginally increased as puberty started. It was hoped that the introduction of Testosterone into my system would inspire my testicles to function. I want to note at this point that all my little friends at that time were aware that I didn't have testicles. We went swimming naked in the Patapsco River when we went biking to the Park. They had all seen me. Several new boys were introduced into our group in that period and my friends annoucned that I was the "boy with no balls".

I was actually very comfortable with being just that. I liked the way I looked down there as opposed to my friends with testicles. I felt I was much more neatly assembled than them. As we moved into junior high school and had mandatory showers with mixed grades my disgust at the appeance of testicles was increased as I saw older boys with great swinging low hangers.

As we came up on my sixteenth birthday, I got a terrible cold. I vomitted for days, and had a wracking cough. In the midst of this while in the throws of a violent coughing fit, I felt an immense pain in my groin. The testicles had broken thru. Soon as I was over the cold, I was swept off to the urologist. He examined my peanut (out of the shell) sized testicles and said there was very little hope they would develop and suggested that they be removed right away. My Father of course refused, even though I was all for it. Instead, they began giving me weekly injections of testosterone directly into those timy orbs.

Pain is something I deal with pretty well, but trust me at that point in my life, those injections put me in bed for 2-3 days. I simply could not move. Not only was the volume of the injections streching the testicles causing pain, but the expanding testicles were stretching the previously very tight scrotum and causing another sort of discomfort. Thursdays were shot days, and I often was barely ready to go to school again on mondays. This treatment continued for 18 months,until I finally rebelled against my Father, and we had an actual fist fight. From that point on Testosterone was delivered in the usual deep tissue method.

The worst part of the arrival of the testicles was that they totally changed me physically. My unique identity was lost , and this caused me serious emotional pain. Each time I saw the doctor I begged him to just remove them. Not only were they painful, but I did not want them. I really struggled with the shift in my identity for a while.

After the weekly direct injections stopped, I still had pain. The testicles soon shrank back to the size of chickpeas, but they ached continuously. The urologist was in agreement with me that they should be removed, but it was not possible without my Fathers approval. I resolved to act just as soon as I turned 18.

When I did , I went right to the doctor who had been advising orchiectomy for years and asked him to please go ahead and do it. He flatly refused. Seems that if parents make a choice like that for a child there is a level of shielding legally speaking for the surgeon. As an adult, I could have remorse over my choice and sue him. Even with my assurance that I would never do that he would not do the procedure.

I muddled thru , and over time the testicles spent more and more time retracted into the inguinal canals. By the time I was 25 they had retreated for the last time, and I never saw them again until they were removed.

My testicles were small enough that almost no one detected them, and I was and am dependant on HRT so I chose to not reveal to sexual partners that I actually still had them. Over the years , I had several serious long term relationships with guys who never had any idea that I did actually have testicles.

I was very content to be known as a eunuch among my friends. The challenge was that deep down I knew that physically I wasn't really a eunuch, even though I was not fertile, and needed HRT. This cause me a lot of anxiety.

The testicles were a regular source of discomfort ranging from a minor ache to a full blown serios pain. I never figured out what would trigger these pains, but they would come, and the duration varied form minutes to weeks.

Over the years I saw at least 20 different urologists to try to solve the pain. With each I suggested that they simply remove them, end of problem. None would agree. As I aged the bouts of pain came more frequent and severe, and yet none of the medical professionals would act to deal with it. More than a few of them said it was all in my head, and to go see a shrink.

I started using the internet in 2002 and as a result found out that there were others like me out there. Not only from the pain standpoint, but also those who desired to be testicle free for a multitude of reasons.

In despiration after a long summer of almost constant pain, I once again asked my GP for a referral to a urologist. In preparation for the first consult I sifted thru my medical records, and wrote down every testicle related treatment I had ever had. I also kept a pain diary daily for the month it took to get to see her. When we did meet , I asked that first she read what I had brought with me, and then do the exam. By the time she finished she was teary eyed. She asked me questions about some of the treatments, and referred back to my writings several times. She examined me, and looked at the ultrasound that I had brought with me. She begged me to be patient, and said she wished to consult with several colleagues before making any decisions.

The next afternoon, she called personally and asked me to come back in. She agreed to attempt pain resolution by removing one. If that worked she would do the other. To say that I was elated was an understatement. Two week later the left one was removed. On the morning of the surgery it was aching like a toothache. Wuth the first shot of lidocaine, the pain was gone, and thankfully I never have had left side pain since. The surgery was successful so we scheduled the other for one month away.I anticipated that day like a child does Christmas.

After the second surgery I felt as if a terrible weight had been lifted from mu shoulders. I finally felt right.My life experience had made me a eunuch, in all but the true physical sense. Now my body and my mind actually matched.

I have long been active in this Archive and several other forums, always urging caution in making a lifechanging decision. I am an advocate for changes in policy of the medical community regarding male to eunuch transition.I am also supportive of those who for whatever reason feel the need to remove their penis. Sadly the medical community has been slow to respond to the needs of those unique individuals who wish to be free of the usual male attributes .

It has now been five years since I became a true eunuch, and they have been amazing years. I am content with my body and my mental state is good. I love the way I look , and have no regrets of any kind, other than the long delay to get me to this point.

As I have stated before , those with serious interest I am happy to offer insight further into what it is to really be a eunuch, and what its like to go thru the surgery. Feel free to PM me if you have questions.

Raymar

[paring (imported)]

I've read your posts for many years now, it's nice that you put it all together. It's amazing how the doctors handle guys like you. No one knows better than ours self what's best for us. Doctors have never paid much attention to your needs, they all thought they knew better. There is a similar story about professional mistakes, perhaps you've heard of David Reimer story. After a butchered circumcision they have cut off his cock and testicles. This guy was not as lucky as you were, later his parents were brain washed into turning their boy into a girl, it didn't feel right for him to live as a girl. Later he has finally had a penis reconstructed. He found the courage to get married but he finally committed suicide and few months later his twin brother did the same. Mistakes over mistakes.

[janekane (imported)]

Raymar:

Please forgive me for having a view different than yours regarding your explanation being long overdue.

For me, if for no one else, the timing of your explanation was exactly right, when you were ready, no sooner and no later, to actually write and post it.

From all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength, "Thank you!"

[considering (imported)]

You are a very generous person to so openly and candidly explain your procedures and reasoning. What you show is that whatever you want, you can discuss it in a way that is logical and reasonable to others. You have so many good points but the best of them is your open-ness and sincerity. Thank You for your well done efforts.

[raymar2020 (imported)]

Thanks so much for the nice comments. I have spent my whole life being just a bit different, and never really fitting into the supposed molds of male, gay male or any other labels you choose to apply. I can say that I have no regrets about the choices I have made in my life, and the only thing I would change if possible would the age when I finally managed to get rid of the testicles. I actually only would change that to escape the emotional and physical pain they caused.

Along the way proceeding thru life I have met and been involved with some amazing people. Some have been so supportive of me that I can't imagine how I would have made it without them.

I didn't say before , but this place has been a major help in really becoming myself. While I always had multiple reasons for wanting to be castrated, I also had some deeply entangled guilt, the failure at possible procreation, the nagging feeling that somehow I was not "normal" for my thoughts and feelings, and of course the occassional reactions of the uneducated about castration.

Many times I doubted myself, and questioned the reasoning to seek castration. My friendships with others who are eunuchs, and with understanding and supportive intact men, eventually helped me to be totally comfortable with my feelings, and desires, and now thanks to that I feel I am the person I was always meant to be.

It has been suggested by some that part of my situation was BIID but I would say that if that is the case, then it was something learned, not inate. Growing up with a smooth spot under my penis, and then having that change was devastating. In a moment I went from a person I knew to being someone totally different, and that was a huge challenge.

Today, I AM who I should be, I am comfortable with my body, even love it, and the peace that came from finally getting to that point is something that I try very hard to help others achieve. The sheer numbers of people I have chatted with show that I was never alone, and indeed if anything I see that the numbers of people who are like me is growing. Perhaps part of that is related to the ability in this internet age to network with others who share similar thoughts. The shifts in the thinking of society also play a part. Back when I was in high school it was almost unthinkable that someone would "come out" , yet today the high schools have gay /lesbian groups that are school sponsered.

For me, if my journey and my counsel and advice can help one person to get to the point I am in my life, then I have succeeded. That is why I reach out to others with similar thoughts.

This Archive is an amazing resource for those who feel "differently" than society dictates, and is a tool to learn , and make intelligent decisions for oneself. I am proud to be a part of this community and happy to offer encouragement to those who seek it.

Raymar