Legafaun : it's a me. A faun with legal issues.

[Legafaun (imported)]

Hello there.

I've been registered for about 2 months, when I decided myself about castration.

My computer, fellow fiend, fell down just the day after that, like a punitive act for the bellow detailed one act (and, as you should infer, I just found funds to take it back to life).

But I, beforehand, beg a beginning : let's talk a bit 'bout my deepest bits and bytes - for what's concerning the fora at least. For those who don’t care, you can skip until next « dash line ».

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I am quite young for such a life I lived - I used to say my age is only a legal concern -, for I was born in 1992.

My sexual life actively started between age 6 and 8 - so far I can't even remember the first penetration. It all started with a boy, good friend of mine and lightly older. For quite a long time, maybe more I can figure out, we've been playing "Mom & Dad", with alternating roles. When we began losing from sight, I felt the need to keep the game on, and so begun my first hetero-relation - mostly anal tho, with a neighbor yet older over "my boy".

I then reached age 10, and I went from Paris to Brittany with the family. Very first frustrations in my life, I spent a whole year without even being close to someone. My first year in secondary education grew me the reputation I can't now live without : I was The Very Pervert One. The first story here was not such a serious one but resulted in what will follow : I showed the dick of mine in the playground, and dicked-ones at school was jealous. The actual size is not that big as I'm 19cm, but I was already 16 or 17 at that time, and the whole body stopped growing at the end of the year after that. So, after the show, some girls my age showed back, not the genitals, but the interest. I’ve had 3 “girlfriends” this year, even tho the term should rather be “hole-fillers”. I’ve had sex with all of them during summertime, and 2 went for their turn in the same day...

It kept going this way 3 years long, with different girls from the school. Many troubles came from this, and I eventually realised that acting as such was not quite a good idea. But the Evil had it’s very place within the guy I am. The first major error came packed with my first love. Every time we could see, we were doing extreme preliminaries in the outside world, up to the fisting. When we found the ability to do it inside, it went from extreme to extreme SM : I had so much and deep scars in my back, on my legs and on my arms I had to keep hiding them from family and schoolmates even 3 month after we broke up. And we broke up because of this first major error. Despite the preliminaries, she was not ready for handling penetration … I knew it. But I could not stand all these month without “true sex”. No need to hide it : I raped her. Without the slightest violence : I did all what was possible to be soft, but she never stopped crying from start to stop … And, until now, I never really felt sad for her about this.

After this however, I’ve never ever wanted any more “extreme sex”. I went through many other sad stories in love. My pre-last girlfriend is now the mother of my son, but I never wanted anything from her, and I don’t feel ready for educating him. Just after her was another mistake. In three days, we were living together. She went pregnant too, only 3 month after pre-cited pregnancy, and we considered keeping him … But she finally aborted. In this time, I proposed her for marrying. Love was said to be very high … But she started changing. No more sex, only toy-playing at my side, while I was forced to toss off for hours - so she did not fell “disturbed” in having pleasure herself, and that last for about 6 month. By that time, I discovered she was still having sex however. With an ancient friend of mine. With the one who took another True Love away from me. And with which he was still in couple. With the one who stole most of my friends too … He who stole most of myself, in fact. Bored from the situation : once again, let’s have some shit. I raped my fiancée. Without violence here again – maybe just a little to spread her legs and keep her arms cool – but she never stopped crying from start to stop … And, even now, I never really felt sad for her about this.

We didn’t broke after that this time … In fact, I believe she realised how hard that was to me. She stopped seeing him, tried sometimes to let her toys aside, and showed back some love feats. But it was too late for me, my own flame had been snuffed out. I left her after 9 month, 1 month after the rape.

I was 18, 2month from 19 ; I decided never let any other girl push me into depression (all did, because of their acts sometimes, because of mine mostly).

I’m here 20, action takes places in February, night from 7th to 8th. I’ve been alone all this time, along with my sole 3 friends. Trying to meet some other, I have some parties with the sister of a friend of mine, and her sweety-horny friends. The 3rd one will be the last. We’re quite alcoholised. 2 girls and one other guy come to my place. There’s, to be precise, a couple and a free-girl. Shall I tell the whole story ? I think not. No violence here again, she was just sleeping when it began. I’ll pass over legal issues too. I joined the forum this afternoon.

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Believe it or not, despite this sexually over active past, I never felt pleasure in sex. I gave much however. But it’s a true addiction. I can’t live a day without tossing off, it sometimes goes to 5times a day. Besides the biological need, nothing inside me want this to happen. I actually would better be catholic priest (tho I’m not catholic …). But I don’t wanna hurt children ! :O

The first time I thought about castration was because I dislike sex, and to stop the wanking thing. Now, it has become an obsession. I can’t wear this dick-thing anymore. I will always try to go further. Chemical castration could do it, but then still seeing it would quite quickly take me down. I know it.

But the problem is I live in France and under my mom’s roof. She never talks about it, I think she does not believe I am serious. And, as a member told me in private, psychiatrist and their world, here, would always laugh at me. He was not wrong : I saw 2, and their reaction was strictly the same. My psychotherapist knows I’m serious, but I don’t want to explore sexual matters with her, because I have desire about her. However, I’d really like my problem to be accepted clinically. I don’t want my operation to be illegal, moreover if it’s in hazardous conditions

I need help from somewhere. About castration itself, but to feel better too

(PS : I have a good level in english, or so do I believe, but i'm french however, so don't feel ashamed if there's something you'd want me to explain in other words or telling me I wrote a nonsense)

[tugon (imported)]

Welcome to the Eunuch Archive. Your English is better than my French. I read your post on my iPhone and will reread it on my computer before any comments.

[Milkman (imported)]

Welcome. But seek help for your depression before seeking castration

.

[Legafaun (imported)]

Hi all.

S

eek help for your depression before seeking castration.

I began being bored writing when I ended up the message. Maybe should I reformulate my last words : I'd like help about "castration itself, but to live better "with" - or rather without - my pulsions too".

If I'm being serious about castration, I don't want it to happen too quickly and wanna be prepared for. Sex has always been a problem as said, and I never felt any pleasure in it - maybe once or twice, in fact, but these were more "religious fusions" than "sexual penetration".

I see a psychotherapist every week for my depression, but it's deeply burried inside.