Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

LAB RESULTS:

Well, this I definitely was not expecting. In a way, I was kind of hoping that my T levels would be higher, so that it would at least validate the feelings that I was having and my assumptions. But, well,

you can throw that right out the window. Because a

fter a month of rigorously sticking to my minimum doses of Spiro and Estradiol, here are what my blood levels of hormones came out to be:

Estrogen Level: 697 pg/ml - (Avg Female range: 40–450 pg/mL)

Testosterone Level: 22 ng/dl - (Avg Female range: 25–95 ng/dL)

So, basically, I was wrong. Completely wrong. That minimum dose of Spiro did work on me. Big time. And my body wasn't being resilient to change whatsoever. These 3 months of HRT, including the month where I was on nothing but a minimum dose of Spiro, still pretty much COMPLETELY knocked out my T levels, to the point that they're actually lower than the normal range of a biological female, and FOUR TIMES lower than the minimum level that a pre-castration MtF transsexual is usually able to achieve. (most of the time, the lowest T level that a trans-girl is supposed to be able to achieve pre-op is around 95.) And, well, a significant part of this is probably because I had a VERY weak T-production factory inside of me to start with. Again, I am seriously starting to believe that I'm on the borderline of being considered intersex, just judging by the fact that I have always had an extremely weak sex drive, and lack pretty much any defining male characteristics both physically and mentally whatsoever. So, well, it was probably extremely easy for the medications to shut them off. (Sheesh... I just can't believe that I'm really there already... I really don't have any T in me. At all. Less even than the average girl. Wow...)

So... yeah... that depressive bout really wasn't testosterone-fueled after all. It was caused by something else. And whether that thing was adrenal suppression from the Androcur, or just the placebo effect as my mind just assumed that my T levels were recovering, and therefore sent me into this nightmarish downward spiral of panic and self-defeating thoughts that I let consume me, I don't know. At least I do know that it's not due to low T, however, since I have also experienced some of my absolute happiest days during this HRT period when my T levels were still at their lowest.

Anyway, I really don't know what to say... I was not expecting this. I was expecting that it would take an adjustment in prescription, and take months and months to finally find the right mix to get me down to the right levels, but... hell... it didn't. I'm there already. The battle is over, and I'm now at normal female levels of E and T. And it's likely that a significant portion of the negative effects that I have reported were all in my head. And that the negative effects I was feeling, and the lack of feminization progress, were just due to my own mind playing tricks on me, or due just due to the abnormal amount of self-induced stress inhibiting the hormones' effects.

So yeah. That's it. The battle's over. I didn't need to go back on Androcur, or a higher dose of Estradiol, in the first place. Because a mere 50 mg of Spiro, and 4 mg of Estradiol, really have managed to give me completely female hormone levels. I'm sure the Androcur played a significant part in knocking out my T levels in the first place, but well, they have not recovered even despite stopping it.

I'll be honest, I really don't know what to think. I don't know whether this news makes me happy or disappointed, because now I have no idea what to believe anymore about where my depression was coming from. And I'm going to stop taking Androcur, stop taking the extra pill of Estrofem, and I guess get on with living my life. But something about it still just feels incomplete... feels like these labs just can't be true, makes me feel like I'm going crazy, and invalidates just about every single one of the assumptions that I had made. So I leave with this question... could all of the things I have experienced, all of the highs and the lows, really just be in my head? Is the mind really that powerful, that it can make itself feel both extremely happy and extremely depressed with the EXACT same soup of hormones in it, just because of my own mental assumptions? Sheesh... that is actually a VERY scary thought. It was much more convenient to blame all of my problems on hormones, and just see myself as a helpless victim. But now I'm kind of scared of my own mind. If it has that kind of power, that kind of ability to change my moods just based on assumptions that aren't true, then what the hell is real? Was every single thing that I thought I was feeling due to hormones really meaningless? Just... sheesh... I don't know. It's a freaking scary thought.

Anyway, I guess that's it. I guess my hormonal journey is already over, the battle's won, and it's time to get on with the rest of my life. And again, I seriously do not know what to think anymore. Part of me was expecting that when I finally got to female levels of hormones, that the heavens would sing and baby angels would fall out of the sky, filling me with this extreme happiness and extreme sense of mental "rightness" that would tell me that this was where I belonged, and I'd feel 100% right 100% of the time. But I don't. I still pretty much just feel like myself. And there have indeed been improvements, and I do feel better on a core level than before starting HRT, but it's still a bit hard to know that this really is as far as it's going to go, and that it really isn't going to get any better. And unfortunately, life with female levels of T and E is nowhere near the sensational revelation that I was expecting it to be when I started. Again, I do feel better, but it's hard to know that all of the problems that I thought were hormonal really weren't, and that I probably never will have that one spark that tells me that what I am doing is indeed 100% right. I suppose that still just comes down to what I believe my own identity is, and my own convictions about it. And nothing, including hormones, is going to be able to give me that push that erases all of my doubts and pretty much makes the decision for me. That is still completely on me, and always will be. So I suppose that all that I can do now is continue on the path that I truly believe is right, and do it with my head held high.

Anyway, here's hoping that the depression stays far away this time, now that I finally know for sure where I stand hormonally.

-Carrie

(Side note: I got my first beauty compliment last night. Our new supervisor, who has been in the poker room for about 2 weeks now, complimented me on my eyebrows of all things, telling me "they always look so nice. I wish I could get mine to look like that." (Clearly she was not around back when I still had little brown caterpillars crawling above my eyes.) So yeah, that was totally unexpected, but felt really good to hear, especially since this woman has an absolutely dazzling sense of style herself. And since, well, compliments like that are pretty much not something that someone still presenting as male generally receives. So that felt good, and really gave me a nice self-confidence boost as far as believing that I really do have a good eye for balance and detail, and will do just fine once I start doing more meticulous feminine things like makeup. Because I did my brows completely by myself, and it scared the crap out of me the first time I did them, and I've been freaking out over whether they looked weird or not.)

(Side note 2: So, I guess this really is the official end of this "hormone trial." Again, the battle's over. It's done. So, well, I guess all that's left to do is to make a few final posts in this blog wrapping the whole thing up, and then to change over to talking about transition. Because, well, that's what lies ahead. No more uncertainty, no more self-checking to see what the effects of the hormones are, just a new life that I've only begun to explore. And admittedly I'm still not much of a girl physically. I still basically have the physical maturity of an 11-year old, my hair is still just growing out, and my feminine features are only just starting to bud out to being visible. So I still basically have an entire new life sitting there in front of me, waiting for me to take those first steps. And that is what the new blog will be about... transition itself. Not about trying to figure out my identity, not about sorting through all of the mental ups and downs of HRT, but rather about my new life, my life as a girl, really actually beginning... discovering that new self more and more with every day. A new chapter is beginning!)

[Hildy_ (imported)]

could all of the things I have experienced, all of the highs and the lows, really just be in my head?

Sure, the human mind is really quite powerful. Back when I was dealing with my nausea phase, being totally sick from worry, I was thinking to myself that maybe I was just ill, or that I had eaten something bad, but no, I was just freaking out epically. So I'd say you were just worrying too much. I get that though; this stuff isn't easy, it's very existential, and I guess doubting yourself is all part of that.

Something else that came to my mind was that you could be going through estrogen withdrawal, what with going from 6 to 4 mg a day, but that idea seems to be countered by your rather high estrogen levels.

Spiro

still pretty much COMPLETELY knocked out my T levels

That's not necessarily true. The fact that your blood is pretty much saturated with estrogen also causes your pituitary gland to signal to your gonads that they need to cut back on the testosterone. Spironolactone, which blocks more at the receiving end, is more to prevent any remaining testosterone from interfering with the feminization process.

Anyway, congratulations on your victory! Now stop worrying, sit back and enjoy the ride. Very few people get to go through puberty twice, make your second one a good one!

[pennyante (imported)]

Perhaps DHT enters into the picture somehow. Just a thought.

[Dave (imported)]

I never realized just how frantic and emotional this type of transition is to certain people. I've only seen it from afar.

In a way this thread is a service to those like me who never get close enough to see all this mental process.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

And I'm glad that I've kept this log. Because in many ways, it is a complete chronicle of the process that it took for me to truly find myself. Because when I started this homone-replacement regiment, I really did not know who I was. All I had to go on were years of transsexual feelings that I had always kept bottled up, and were only allowed to be unleashed a mere three months ago when I discovered for the first time that feminization through hormones was possible. And now it's blatantly obvious, all of these mental ups and downs really weren't about biology in the first place. They were all caused by that long, difficult, often very mentally-taxing process of a person finally being forced to come to terms with who they really are. I have always known that I was transsexual, ever since I was old enough to notice the differences between boys and girls. And yet in a way, I still had never taken ownership of this identity, this self that I have always known was the real me, and I never really allowed myself to fully admit it or fully embrace it. In fact, I tried everything in my power to suppress it. So, through this entire HRT regiment, I was looking for that validation. I was looking for my moods to change, to give me some sort of mental validation that would tell me that what I was doing really was the right thing for me. And it's taken me this long to realize such. So again, that's really what this log was about. No

t the effects of hormones, but

rather that of a trans-girl going through the long, tough, very emotionally-painful process of finally coming to terms with herself.

And for the first time, I really do feel like I've finally reached a place where I know for sure who I am, and I don't need validation from hormones or moods or my own ever-shifting perception of reality to tell me so. This really is a place that I've never been before. It really does feel like the battle is finally over, and I can finally just relax and enjoy the journey.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH FOUR, DAY SEVENTEEN:

Well, I guess you can call this the official follow-up post to my official lab results.

I'll admit, when I first learned that my hormone levels really were at female levels, I honestly did not know what to think. I spent a few hours laying in bed, in some sort of daze, a bit scared to know just how powerful my own mind is, and how it was able to send me into the worst depressive bout of my entire life just because I made an untrue assumption about what my T levels were doing. That daze lasted for a few hours, and I just sat in bed thinking, not sure what to do, just wondering to myself "Well, what now?" Really unsure of what to think.

Then something amazing happened. As I woke up and started going through my day, I started feeling peace. True, deep inner peace. And I started realizing just what this meant. I'm there! I made it! The battle is over! All those years of wishing, all those hard months of uncertainty as I tried to sort through my mixed-up thoughts, they were finally at an end. I'd made it. Hormonally, I was now completely female. And the more I thought about it, the more it made me smile. And the feeling of peace, of complete and total inner peace, started to overtake me. It was a feeling of peace that I've never felt before. Because even during my best days in the past, I was still questioning. I was still looking for confirmation of my gender identity, still unsure about whether this amazing sensation really was because my T levels had dropped or not, and that mental battle was still there. But now... now, not a single one of those concerns is left. I finally do know who I am. And to cap it off, now I know for sure what my hormone levels are too. So for the first time, there really is absolutely nothing left to be unsure about, or to be concerned about. Nothing.

This truly is the first time I have ever experienced such a feeling of peace before. Not since I was a kid. Because for the entire last 14 years of my life, I have always had this feeling of uncertainty about my gender identity. I have always been searching, always in such a mental conflict about it. I tried to embrace it, I tried to suppress it, I tried everything. And yet I still never knew, and I was always looking for some answer that could just tell me for sure who I was and what my pur[quo

te="cheetaking243 (imported)" time=1359

366960]
pose in life was. But now that battle really
[/quote]
is finally over! For the first time in my ENTIRE adult life, the feeling in my mind is one of a complete lack of conflict. My body isn't fighting against me anymore. My lack of a solid gender identity isn't fighting against me anymore. My sex drive isn't fighting against me anymore. There really is nothing left up there. Nothing. That lifetime of conflict really is completely gone, and has just left me in this absolutely beautiful peaceful place... a place that is calm, serene, and where I'm free to go wherever I want and do exactly what I want without constant tugs and pulls driving me. I'm FREE!!! The world is sitting in front of me... a world that is, for the first time ever, completely open, and completely free of conflict.

Oh, God, what a feeling of peace.

Do I feel much different than before? Honestly, not really. A lot of the moods that I reported which were still during my period of hormonal uncertainty, really were just me forcing myself to be uber-happy because I was looking for confirmation that my female self really was the right one. Those moods weren't real, they were just my female self looking for some kind of confirmation to validate her existence. But that's not necessary anymore. Right now, my body is completely rid of testosterone, and flowing with estrogen. And I really do n

ot feel much different. Now I realize,

I'm still the same person as I ever was. The only difference is, now I have finally admitted that this self is, and always has been, female. And the mor

[quote="cheetaking243 (imported)" time

=1365804720]
e I think about it, the more I realize m
[/quote]
y "male" self was jus[qu

ote="cheetaking243 (imported)" time=136

0223640]
t an act to try and fit in, and that is wh
[/quote]
y it never felt right, and why I was always so conflicted. But now, for the first time ever, this conflict really is gone. Because now I know[quot

e="cheetaking243 (imported)" time

=1357730460]
, for the first time in my entire life, I really
[/quote]
am going to be my true self. My outside really is going to match who I've always been on the inside. And now all that's left to do is wait for the changes to happen. It will probably be months more, maybe even years, but they will come.

It's been two days now since I learned the truth about my hormone levels. And now, whenever I think about it, think that I really do have completely female levels of hormones flowing inside of me, (and that I always will,) it really does make me smile. But not in the same "OMG this is the greatest thing ever!" way that I forced myself to feel in the beginning to validate myself. No, this is a much deeper smile. A smile that comes from this inner place of contentment... a kind of smile that tells me "this is the way things were always meant to be. You're finally you!" And this kind of smile never fails to come, every single time I think of myself as female.

For the first time ever, I truly do know that this is right. And this is the way I was meant to be. And it's not because of any emotional highs from hormones giving me validation. It comes from the true feeling of peace that I have inside as I have finally embraced my identity. And the core, wonderful feeling of peace and happiness that I have, knowing that I now have female hormones coursing through my entire body. It's in the smile that I get every time I brush my smooth arms across my face, and every time I see my slimming figure in the mirror, and every time I shave my smooth almost-hairless legs, and every time I think of myself as female... a smile from deep down that tells me, this truly is who you are. This is where you belong. And there will be highs, and there will be lows, but one thing is for certain... this sense of inner peace, this sense of happiness and contentment that has now come from knowing who I am, it will never go away.

Again, just had to share that.

-Carrie

（＾ｖ＾）

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH FOUR, DAY TWENTY-ONE:

Well, this is going to a bit of a stupid update, but I just needed to once again report some of the emotional highs and lows that I've been going through.

My emotions are just completely all over the place right now. In the beginning, they seemed to ebb and flux in predictable waves... like 3 days of happiness, then 3 days of depression, and it always went back and forth. Well, right now, they are just all over the place, and going completely nuts.

For example, this morning I woke up feeling really bad. Yesterday was an extremely stressful day, and I was still feeling the after-effects. After I had chilled for a while, and had a nice long talk on the phone with my mom, suddenly I started feeling better. Then I watched a series of Youtube videos of another trans-girl's journey through HRT, and started realizing that "It's okay. She still had huge arms and a huge neck just like me at this point in HRT. And look where she is now after 2 years! It really is going to happen! I just need to be patient!" And I started feeling REALLY good. Then I dressed up in my padded bra and female clothes and my favorite wig, and suddenly noticed that my face was actually beginning to look really beautiful, and I just went into this amazing uber-excited mood, so happy, feeling so blessed, and just smiling at absolutely everything. And then, after a great first hour at work, my supervisor informed me that I was getting a full absent/tardy point for being late to the pre-work meeting two days in a row, and that I now had 6 points (7 points is a final written warning, 9 points is when you're fired,) and just like that I found myself wanting to cry, and freaking out, and feeling completely depressed, and I just sunk into this terrible bout of depression that lasted the entire rest of the night, ending with me crying in a whimpering mass into my pillow.

So yeah... my emotions are seriously starting to get out of control. Anyone that tells you it's easy being a girl, they have no idea what they're talking about. :p Dealing with these extremes of emotion for the first time is VERY tough. My emotional landscape right now feels like a complete mine field. The stupidest little things are making me want to cry, it's so easy to get caught in self-defeating cycles of depression, and yet somehow in the midst of all of this I'm still having some of the absolute happiest moments of my entire life, and I feel SO good about who I am now.

So yeah... I asked for female emotions, and, well, now I'm definitely getting them. And they are NOT easy to deal with. I'm so new to these odd things called "emotions," which I really didn't get as a guy, at least not like this, that I really have no idea how to control them. The best I can do is try to get enough sleep, keep my life free from stressors (which is VERY hard given that I'm still in that awkward early-transition between-genders state where it's so easy to get down on myself,) and just making sure that I have a good support network to talk to when I need to vent and ride out the highs and lows. It's a rocky road, and they have been very supportive and very helpful, which I am immensely grateful for. But yeah, for now, this really is often an act of endurance. Riding out the intense highs and lows of female emotions without going completely insane is proving much harder than I thought it would be. And needless to say, I've got a lot of learning to do. :p

Aside from that,

everything's good. I feel REALLY good, and

so happy about all of the physical changes that are happening. I've now reached a point where dressing in female clothes, and presenting as female, and using my voice, and just looking at myself in the mirror in "girl mode" just feels SO right, despite the glaring masculine features that are still there. It makes me smile every single time, and I just can't wait until that self in my mirror really will be the self that the whole world sees. I have such an amazing opportunity in front of me, and I can't wait!

Everything's still going fantastically, despite the emotions being so hard to control. Again, as hard as it is to deal with sometimes, this is EXACTLY what I asked for. And feeling somewhat manic depressive is a hell of a lot better than feeling nothing at all, which used to be my daily reality. Crying hurts. It really does. And yet I never used to even be able to cry. So even though it hurts so much, in a way it also makes me smile deep down, because I know that I really am truly becoming a woman now, emotions and all. And in fact, when I explained to my therapist what I was going through, how my emotions were so up-and-down and my feelings of self-confidence were so variable, she actually laughed and said "Yep, then you're definitely a woman now. I can't tell you how many (cisgender) girls I have in here that I have to go through the exact same thing with."

So yeah. Like I said, everything's good. A bit crazy, but crazy in a good way.

-Carrie

[foxytaur (imported)]

Cheetaking, You watch soap opera's?

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

I'd rather have a root canal. :p

Seriously, though, I might as well be. Because I really am becoming WAY more emotionally affected by entertainment. I just watched "The Lion King" for the first time in years, and even though I've seen it close to a hundred times, (it was my favorite movie as a kid,) this was the first time that Mufasaa's death really hit me on a deep level. I could barely even keep watching it because it hit me so hard. I cried during the opening sequence because it was so gorgeous, I cried during the entirety of the stampede scene, I bawled my eyes out at that horrifying moment where Simba is crying next to his dead father and saying "Dad? Dad, come on, you've got to get up. Dad? We've got to go home..." and I cried yet again at the very end again because it was so beautiful.

"Tangled" had me crying at least three times, the ending to the anime series "Sword Art Online" had me crying several times, "Beauty and the Beast" got me crying, just... sheesh... again, things just affect me now

in a way that they never did

before. And it's always the stupidest little things.

Again, just judging from my finger ratios and by how quickly my T levels were knocked completely out, (most T-girls take like 8 months to even get down below the bottom of the normal male T range of 200 on Spiro. I got all the way down to 22, lower than even the basement of female range, in only 3 months, on a freaking minimum dose,) I really am starting to believe that my brain developed in a VERY emotional and feminine way, and has been waiting for the right hormones to come along this whole time to absolutely unleash its true nature. So yeah... if the last few weeks are any indication, I have a future of being VERY emotional and VERY empathetic in front of me. Um... yay, I guess.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

WRAP-UP POST, PART 1:

Well, folks, this time we really are at the end. Yes, that's right, after almost 4 months, it really is now finally time to bring this entire "Hormone Trial" to an end. Because for the first time, I really have now reached a solid unchanging point

in regards to my gender identity.

It's been an entire week and a half now since I got my lab results, and s

ince then, there has be

en NO conflict left in my mind wh

atsoever. I've officially started looking at myself as female. And the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that I was always female, and was never really a guy in the first place despite certain physical circumstances and despite trying to make myself one for my entire life. So, yeah, the "trial" is officially over. It's now just the new reality of my life... these are hormones that I'll be living with until I'm an old lady sitting in her rocking chair.

So, with that said, it's time to wrap this whole thing up.

Okay, so this first wrap-up post is going to be my advice to anyone else who wants to follow in my footsteps and do a hormone trial of their own. And I know that there are probably a lot of them out there who will possibly stumble onto this topic and maybe be inspired by all of the highs that I've gone through.

Well, h

ere is auntie Carrie's advice.

DON'T DO

IT.

Yes, I am 100% serious. Don't do it.

The whole reason why I decided to do HRT in the manner that I did, doing it in the form of a "trial," self-medicating, was because when I started I was not sure whether I really was transgender or not. I had always known that I felt transgender, but I was never 100% sure, and I was looking for some magic bolt of lightning that

was going to tell me for sure "yes, you

are transgender, and transition is right for you," and basically take the decision out of my hands. This HRT trial was supposed to be that bolt of lightning, that ultimate test that would finally tell me whether I really was transgender or not.

Well, guess what? It never happened. And in fact, because I was looking for that "bolt of lightning" the whole time, looking for the hormones to validate my transsexual desires with positive emotions, I went

through absolute HELL emotionally. Seriously. Just look at the

6 pages of posts that I made right before I finally got my lab results. I went through HELL. That was the worst 2 weeks of my entire life. And guess what? It was all complete bulls**t. It was all because of the placebo effect, because my mind was trying to blame my doubts on testosterone, and therefore assumed that my T levels were recovering, and therefore sent itself into the WORST depressive bout of my entire life. All because of absolutely NOTHING.

Hormones seriously are the some of the most potent placebos in the entire world. So if you're trying to do what I did, trying to use hormones to validate your transsexual desires, it's not going to happen. Seriously.

What will happen is probably exactly what happened to me. Because I was DIYing, because I had no freaking idea what my hormone levels were actually doing, and could only guess about it, my mind was a complete train-wreck of uncertainty. For three straight months, I never knew where my moods were coming from, whether they were because of hormone levels or not, whether that depressive bout really was caused by testosterone or not, whether it was maybe the drugs themselves that was making me depressed. I didn't know! And it was the most aggravating feeling in the world! And through the entire time that I was DIYing, I never got an inch closer to knowing whether I really was transsexual or not, because all of the moods that I felt were just the placebo effect... just me trying to give myself that self-validation that I was looking for. And again, it was HELL. I would not wish the emotional turmoil that I went through on anyone.

So what did finally help me discover my true gender identity? Well, guess what? It was therapy. Yep. Good old fashioned therapy.

One of the whole reasons why I decided to DIY was because I was afraid of therapy. I was afraid of the horror stories about "gatekeepers" guarding the sacred realm of hormones and doing their best to make sure that they delayed your ability to get to them as long as possible.

Well, guess what? Those stories are bulls**t. Find a therapist who is used to dealing with transgender people. Seriously, just do it. The whole reason that therapists exist is to help you. And from the instant that I walked into my therapist's office for the first time, I felt STUPID for not having just gone to her sooner. Because one of the very first things that she said when I asked her about the possibility of writing me a recommendation letter, and what I'd need to get it, was "Don't worry about it. I'll write whatever letter you need no matter what, even if I disagree with you. Because I'm not here to get in your way if you really believe that it's what you need, and I don't want you to feel like you need to lie to me just to fit the transgender criteria better." So there you go. I could have gotten the letter right from the first session, taken it to any doctor, and started HRT with official prescriptions and official lab results right then and there if I really needed it. So yeah... don't be afraid of therapy.

In fact, here. Here's the website where I found my therapist. http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/r ... search.php It's easy. Just type in your city, refine the search so that it only includes those who list "transgender" as being among their specialties, and you can even narrow it down by what health insurance they accept. Seriously. Just do it. You'll save yourself a LOT of grief. Therapy isn't this judgmental thing where this "professional" is standing above you trying to categorize you like a piece of meat. It really is like talking to a wise friend, carrying on an honest conversation about your life, and getting wise advice in return.

And yeah... it was therapy that finally solidified my gender identity. Because I was indeed completely honest with my therapist. In the first session, we basically went over my entire life history, from my childhood all the way up to the present day. And she asked me questions along the way. And these were some very reasonable things to ask about in regards to discovering my true self. She was curious about when my gender dysphoria started. She was very curious why, despite how strongly I felt transgender in high school, I

had waited so long to explore these th

oughts further. She was curious about my college years when I was pretty much able to suppress them with varying degrees of success. She asked me about why I finally decided to start HRT, and what it was like for me to go through it, and I was completely honest about the highs and lows, and some of the doubts and depressive bouts that I had been through. And, well, these were admittedly all things that I had not thoroughly thought through myself. It made me do a LOT of self-reflection, a LOT of thinking, and we basically discovered the truths together by talking these things through. And the more I talked, and the more I reflected, again, the more I realized that I was never really a guy in the first place. And that I was basically forcing myself to be someone that I'm not, and that's why it constantly felt so wrong to me.

And, well, again, now I know. I did NOT know for the first 2.5 months of this trial, despite having some amazing emotional highs. Because the depression, and the doubts, and the uncertainty, always came back. Again... it's HELL. So unless you know for sure, again, do NOT do a trial like I did. Because you will NOT find the answer that way. Ultimately, this really is about who YOU are. And there's never going to be that magic "bolt of lightning" that hits you and makes the decision to transition for you, taking it out of your hands. It is all on you. It's about saying "yes, this really is who I am." And while I was not able to firmly say this for the first 2.5 months of hormones, I was able to say it after only 3 sessions with my therapist. And again, now the conviction is COMPLETELY solid. I finally do know who I am, and that self is female, and always has been. And that is why I am on HRT now. No longer as a "test," but rather it's because it is the means through which I can finally be my true self.

So yeah... that's my first wrap-up post about this "trial." And that is, that the very biggest concept of this "trial," that desire to test my convictions about transsexualism, was flawed from the very start. I didn't find myself at all because of this trial, because some chorus of baby angels fell out of the sky when I started HRT telling me that this was where I belonged. I found myself because I finally opened up to someone and talked about it. And the more I talked, and the more those talks made me reflect on my life, the more I realized that I was never really a guy in the first place, and that my identity is, and has always been, female.

So take my advice. If you think you are transgender, do NOT do a hormone trial expecting it to finally tell you who you are. It won't. It will only bring you some severely over-exaggerated temporary highs, and possibly some of the lowest lows of your entire life, like I had. It is serious business, with serious potential for horrific emotional side-effects. See a therapist. Get an official prescription. Seriously, just do it. It's not the nightmare you think it will be, and it will save you a LOT of personal grief due to uncertainty, like I went through.

That is all.

-Carrie