Sigh... yesterday night, the depressive feelings started to come back. The good news is, it was not the same "OMG" depression that I was having last week, it's just that same kind of hormonal-mood-swing mopey negativity that I always seem to get now and then. There's just some days where I feel so clear-headed, and so excited about each and every one of the physical changes that are happening, and loving life, and then there are just these random days where I get stuck in these dysphoric mindsets where I can't think about anything except all of the things that haven't changed enough yet.
So yeah... just one of those days. Not a big deal this time, though. Just an annoyance.
I'm not taking any chances this time, though. I have a right to not feel depressed. And now that my blood work is officially being processed, there's basically no reason left for me to put up with these masculine depressive feelings. So, for the next 3 days, while I'm waiting for the results of the blood work, along with the adjustments to my official prescription that will come with it, I am indeed going to add back in a single pill of Androcur to my daily routine, and an extra one of the girly pills to go with it. Just for 3 days, just while I'm waiting for the official word to come in. And no higher of a total dosage of either estrogen or anti-androgens than I was on during my last week of self-medicating. (Which was honestly one of the best weeks of my entire life emotionally. I felt AMAZING every single day.)
Anyway, figured I should at least report that. I'm not exactly proud of it, because it does kind of feel like I'm "cheating," but whatever. F*** it. I'm tired of feeling masculine, and tired of feeling that "dull gray drear" feeling where I get all whiny and mopey. Any day spent in that mindset is another day wasted where I should be enjoying my true self, living deliberately as that female self that I've been dying to express for so many years, and sucking all the marrow out of life.
Also, since I now have an official therapist recommendation for HRT, and thus will never have to worry about keeping a backup HRT supply "just in case," I am indeed also going to be using up the rest of my current Dutasteride supply. After all, if I don't, it's just wasted money. And, well, getting my hair back is of utmost importance to me, since my current hairline would not be passable, nor would the thinning mat of hair on top. And unlike the blood clot and blood pressure risks with Androcur and Estrofem, there are pretty much no health risks associated with Dutasteride whatsoever. (Aside from... gasp... sexual side effects! Oh no, what would I EVER do if I started losing my libido and getting gynecomastia? :p) So I figure I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by using the rest of it up. (And I am indeed starting to see SIGNIFICANT hair regrowth already. Along the edge of my front hairline, there are so many little hairs popping up! And comparing my pre-hormone videos and pictures to now, my head of hair looks much fuller overall. So it is indeed working on me... VERY well. So I want to give it every chance that it possibly has to regrow.)
EDIT: Oh, God, it just got worse. DAMN IT!!! I thought I was past this! I thought I had my depressive swings finally figured out and resolved. But apparently not. Apparently, it wasn't in my head after all, it really was hormonal. Because I am having NO doubts about my identity any more right now, nor really feeling impatient about the lack of physical progress, or looking for self-validation, or anything like that. I'm just, once again, out of nowhere, for no reason whatsoever, feeling like crap. And once again, it
where I feel angry, short-tempered, lacking empathy, and every little thing annoys me. (Well, I guess at least this time I will indeed know for sure whether it is T or not, since I did officially go back to full-dose HRT about an hour before this depressive bout worsened. So if it suddenly gets better within the next day or so, and out of nowhere I'm back to feeling euphoric, that should be a pretty good indication. And odds are that it really is just hormones, since I just came off of a period of about 4-5 days of feeling feminine, and feeling very happy again, and this thing always seems to come in 4-day cycles. Damn hormonal mood swings... LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Just let me be happy, damn it!!! I'm tired of this crap!
And the more I study, the more and more I'm thinking that my last bout of depression really was just testosterone-induced. Because apparently Spiro works on a negative-feedback loop, where it blocks T at the receptor level, which actually leads to higher amounts of blood testosterone at first, and it's not until the pituitary gland notices this higher T level that it begins to shut off production, usually a few weeks after starting it. So having a bout of hyper-masculine depression after switching to Spiro makes PERFECT sense given the circumstances. Especially since another study has said that "hyper-androgenic effects" are common after abruptly ceasing Androcur. So I really do believe that that is what happened. Because the last time I felt this way before this was as a teenager... I did feel this same kind of depression, and this same feeling of extreme dysphoria, back during the years where my T levels were at their natural highest. So seriously, I do not think my brain was designed to handle testosterone. I really am starting to think that, for whatever reason, my brain really is female by nature. And given my 2D:4D finger digit ratios, which are higher even than the female average by a significant margin, I pretty much had NO exposure to testosterone in utero, during the period of brain development. And since it is hormones, not chromosomes, that make someone develop as one gender or the other physically, I'm seriously starting to believe that, in a way, I'm intersexed... a female mind in a male body. And hell, even my body isn't very masculinized at all. I have female arm structure, wide hips, narrow shoulders, small hands and feet, small genitalia, I've always lacked muscle development, I really didn't have much body hair or facial hair at all compared to most guys, and a host of other things that just really make me believe that, both physically and mentally, I was never meant to be male in the first place. So yeah... I genuinely do believe that the sooner I can get testosterone out of my body for good, the sooner I'll feel better. It is VERY possible that all of the depression I have ever felt is indeed because of this... because of a hormone that my mind simply wasn't built to handle.
Anyway, again, we'll see once the drugs kick in whether I go right back to feeling uber-happy or not. Odds are, I will. But we'll see. This isn't a test of my identity anymore, which I now know for 100% certain is female. It's just an experiment, to see if going on higher doses really will cure these bouts of depression or not.
(Side note: there I go, rambling again. That is one positive thing about these depressive bouts, is that they ALWAYS make me think, and I always discover new things about myself each and every time.)
EDIT 2: Okay, never mind, it's already over, a mere 4 hours or so after it started in the first place. Don't know if it's the pills or not, or possibly just the placebo effect again, but for whatever reason, I'm right back to feeling good now. I'm all smiles again, and ready to take on the day, after an entire night and morning of feeling pretty crappy. Pfft... whatever, I don't care, as long as the happiness stays. I hate feeling mopey, and love being all smiles!
EDIT 3: YAY!!! The happiness is back!!! And so is the mental calm!!! Sweet, amazing, beautiful, completely-mentally-calm. at-peace-with-the-world, loving life happiness!!! Oh, God, I've missed this feeling so much!!! Okay, yeah, I'm definitely good now!
