MONTH FOUR, DAY TWO:
Well, yay, I have indeed now made it past the three-month mark. But honestly, I really do not feel like celebrating. Because I am now 100% convinced that my T levels have risen back up SIGNIFICANTLY. For the past three months, every single day, I was able to look in the mirror and feel like I was getting more and more feminine with every single day. Every day, my skin looked smoother, my features softened more and more, I started looking more and more young, more and more "cute" instead of like I had the adult angularity in my
of yesterday, for the first time, I looked in the mirror and it looked like that same feminine glow is gone. My face looked more masculine for the first time in three months. I looked older, my brows looked heavier, my face
like I had completely lost that feminine "glow." And today, it's gotten even worse
all I can see is a guy once more. And I just don't know what's changed. All I know is that, just one week ago, I was feeling very much in the androgynous realm, where now it look
e masculine re
ds, after three straight months of progress. And this i
seeing things that aren't there because I'm making assumptions that my T levels have gone back up. Because looking back at the pictures that I took just last week, I can indeed still see that "glow," that youth and "cuteness," which I can't see at all in the mirror anymore. So I really do genuinely believe that I am now making negative progress.
Also, I am feeling more masculine in my head than I have since before this HRT regiment even got started. For some reason, I felt like doing things that I have not been interested in in months... playing poker, and playing Magic: the Gathering, and playing video games. Because for some reason, my mind just felt like doing activities that were time-wasters. I didn't feel happy anymore, and didn't feel like going outside. I feel like I'm back in "dull gray drear" mode where I just want to be left alone, and just want to lock myself up in my room all day wasting time in order to cover up my lack of joy. That feminine "happiness" and "brightness" feels completely gone. Again, my mind just feels like it is drifting back into this foggy kind of feeling, where I'm constantly short-tempered, irritable, and only half alive. When I lost at poker, I once again had that "threat to my masculinity" feel where I just wanted to hit my computer and swear at the other person for being stupid. And when my door got stuck, I didn't feel calm about it whatsoever, I spent like 5 minutes yanking and pulling and banging on the damned thing, yelling at it, to try to get it to dislodge. And again, these feelings of compete bitterness and anger and masculine "threat," that feeling like when you fail at something it's a personal attack on you, I have NOT experienced these feelings for SO long, I had completely forgotten about how much I was dying to escape from them in the first place.
I don't feel like a girl anymore. I feel like my old stupid male self. And here's the really strange part... I'm feeling transsexual again. For the longest time, I really wasn't feeling that way anymore, because I felt like my life as a girl had officially begun. Well, now it's gone again. Aside from the feeling of smooth skin, which is indeed still there, I just can't feel any femininity left in me. And for the first time in what's probably a month or more, I am once again feeling gender dysphoria... feeling like what I have is wrong, and seriously wishing that it could be female. I'm right back to envying girls. I'm once again starting to envy absolutely everything about them, and severely wish that I could be one, be
hat I feel, is once again starting to feel wrong.
This is it. I cannot wait anymore. I'm going to go ahead and schedule that earlier appointment with my doctor, even though it's only going to be about a week and a half earlier than the one I already have. I don't care. I can NOT put up with this for another whole month. It's becoming blatantly obvious to me that the Spiro is having pretty much NO effect on me whatsoever, and that my T levels have rebounded SIGNIFICANTLY. This is now an entire week in a row where I've felt masculine every single day, and felt like the T levels were rising, without fail. I have not had a SINGLE day where I've felt feminine in the least. And, well, I know I said that I was having doubts a while ago. Well, those are once again gone. Because now that I'm back in this mindset, I have realized VERY quickly what I was so adamant about escaping in the first place. I reported yesterday that I decided I was okay feeling masculine as long as I still had that female sexual identity to anchor me. Well, now you can throw that right out the window. Because as I speak, that female sexual identity is now slipping away from me as I'm making negative feminization progress thanks to T coming back. And again, now that I'm back to feeling this way, I'm remembering very well why I felt such a need to escape it in the first place. This is NOT me. This is not me in any way, shape, or form. Because I'm feeling dysphoric again. I feel like my mind's not working right anymore, and my very happiness is gone, and my very identity is slipping away. I need to get into the doctor's office and FAST, to get my dosage of anti-androgens picked up by a significant margin. Because it's blatantly obvious to me right now that my minimum dose of Spiro is NOT working, and that right now the prescription that I have is pretty much useless. Because after all, E can't even work if T is getting in the way, since they bind to the same receptors. And right now, I seriously feel like the T has become dominant again. It's not quite back up to the same levels that it was at pre-HRT, because I still do feel just a little bit calmer than I did before, and I'm still not back to getting spontaneous erections, at least not like I used to, but still, I can NOT put up with having a T-dominant endocrine system again, and feeling like I'm making negative progress. The prospect of ANYTHING masculinizing again is an absolutely mortifying thought to me.
What the hell was I thinking? How could I POSSIBLY have thought that I didn't want to continue? How could I have POSSIBLY forgotten what this feeling was like, and forgotten how much I HATE feeling male? How could I have possibly forgotten what it's like to not have that feeling of feminine happiness anymore, and that "Sense of self," and the AMAZING feeling that comes from feeling like your body is FINALLY headed in a direction that you actually like? Because I did. I let my doubts consume me, and for a time forgot why I was doing this in the first place. Well, now I remember. I remember quite vividly. Because now I'm stuck right back where I started, and it SUCKS!!! Having not felt gender-dysphoria in so long, I had forgotten what it's like. And again, it SUCKS!!! I NEVER want to have to feel this nightmarish feeling of hating the very thoughts that are in my own head EVER again!!! F*** testosterone. F*** it. F*** every single damned thing to do with it. I'm serious, looking back, every single day that it was at its lowest levels, I felt SO happy, and SO peaceful and calm and content. And ever since it started bouncing back, I have felt absolutely nothing but misery, misery, depression, misery, and more misery.
Anyway, rant over. The only good thing about this is that, for the first time in a while, I am once again 100% sure about my identity as female, and that I really am not going to be truly happy until I'm a woman. I let my doubts consume me. And I let myself fall into despair because I was trying to live up to the ideal image of what I would need to act like as a girl in order to blend in. Well, f*** that. I was wrong. I don't need those things in order to be happy, I just need to be a girl. Deep down, on a core level. And that no longer means that I need to be happy all the time, or bubbly all the time. Because as a girl, I'd still be a real person, and still have the same full range of emotions that I do now. And I don't expect that now. I just want to be able to be myself. Whether that self is feeling silly, serious, excited, tired, happy, sad, feels like socializing, or feels like sitting around watching sports. But one thing is consistent. I want to feel those feelings, and do those things as a girl. Because even though I can do them as a guy, I don't feel happy doing them. I just feel trapped in a bland emotionless nothing, hating my body and hating the very thoughts in my own head.
I did have my second meeting with my therapist today. And basically, I told her that I had been going through a period of doubt, and a period of depression. And at first, I did NOT tell her the revelation that I had come to about why I was feeling this way, I just described the feelings, told the story, and waited to see if she would come to the exact same conclusion that I did. And guess what? She did come to the exact same conclusion. That as a girl, I was trying to live up to unrealistic expectations, and trying to force myself to always be more feminine. And yet, that my identity very clearly was female. And the problem wasn't that, it was that I needed to adjust my views on what being a girl would mean. And I have. And again, now it's gone. Damn it. (My therapist was VERY happy with this session, though. She said that she felt she really got to know me better. And she still feels like I am in a MUCH better position than a lot of her other clients, because she recognizes that I am a VERY honest thinker, one who is constantly thinking about my decisions fully, and is very self-aware and very honest with myself, and she feels like I really do know who I am down on a core level, and that I really don't seem worried about putting on a show just to impress others. She actually said that if I had come in as a girl and been happy and bubbly all the time, and seemed like I had no conflict whatsoever, THAT is when she would have been worried about me.)
We had a wonderful chat about what gender is and what gender isn't. Such as, being an extrovert or an introvert has nothing to do with gender identity. Nor does being neat or sloppy, silly or serious, logical or emotional, thinking or feeling, judging or perceiving, high libido or low libido, active or lazy. These things are independent of gender. Hell, even "masculine" and "feminine" are independent of gender. She talked about how she herself is not very feminine, and a lot of men she knows are way more feminine than she is. But these are all just the things that make us who we are. And if we're believing that we are transgender because we want to change these things, want to be more extroverted, or want to be more emotional rather than logical, or want to be neater rather than sloppy, we are not trying to change our gender, we are trying to change our very selves. And when we try to do that, we are only kidding ourselves. Gender is independent of these things. It is completely based on a self-identity, on a sense of who you are on a deep level, independent of personality, and based on a deep-seeded identity, a feeling of who you are.
For me, I realized, that self is indeed female. But I was indeed trying to change some of these things by transitioning. (Falsely.) And that is what was making me depressed, and why I was having all the doubts I was about how others would perceive me... because the girl I was imagining becoming was indeed someone that I'm not. And so when I imagined it, it felt wrong to me. So what needed to change in order to deal with these doubts was not my gender identity, it's just that I needed to be realistic, and see that girl as being my true self, in every regard of what it means to be me, instead of feeling like I needed to change in order to please others and fit that ideal "feminine" image better. And there really is no doubt that my identity is indeed female... because again, even in the midst of all of these doubts, I still had a VERY deep desire to be female physically.
So therapy really is going EXCELLENTLY. I had a WONDERFUL session today, and it's VERY reassuring to feel like she believes I am indeed on the right path, and that the revelation that I came to yesterday about my gender identity is the exact same one that she did, without me even telling her. And again, our discussion was absolutely wonderful. I am definitely going to keep seeing her every week until this whole hormone issue is sorted out.
Also, I did have my 2nd laser hair removal session today. And it was WAY more painful the 2nd time, because apparently the laser was on a low setting last time, but this time she turned it up to full power because I hadn't had any adverse reaction to it the first time. And man, this time I REALLY felt like I was getting zapped. My lower face was really red afterward, looking like the entire thing was covered in razor bumps. It did, however, diminish after a couple of hours, and is now back to looking pretty much normal, but yeah, this session was definitely not as easy as the last one. I had to put an ice pack on my face for 10 minutes or so afterward to calm the sensation of warmth all over my face down. But nonetheless, the prospect of having a smooth face again is still really exciting. I just wish I could have my feminine skin back to go with it. Laser hair removal just doesn't feel as exciting without the prospect of looking like a girl to go with it.
Anyway, that was today. In terms of self-actualization, and feeling like I know who I am once again, it was AMAZING. In terms of how I actually feel, though, it FREAKING SUCKS!!! I just want to go back to feeling feminine again, as soon as possible. I'll be calling Dr. Weiss again tomorrow, and taking that earlier appointment. Because I can't wait until May 6. And I don't think cutting it short by a couple of weeks could possibly result in anything but less time spent feeling like crap, and less time feeling gender-dysphoric all over again. Because I think it's blatantly obvious that my T levels have rebounded, and a simple blood test should reveal that very quickly so that I can go on a higher dosage of Spiro. (Damned Spiro... I hate you. Why can't you just be Androcur? I KNOW that that stuff works.)
ext few weeks are going to be a serious test of endurance. Maybe I'll get lucky and the feminine feelings wil
t it more and more with every single day. I've now been feeling more masculine every single day for like an entire week straight, after a month straight of feeling unbelievably feminine while I was still on the full dose of Androcur instead of a half-dose of Spiro. So yeah... sigh... it's going to be hard. It's MUCH harder to put up with this masculine "dull gray drear" mindset now that I know how amazing it feels to escape it. I'm not going to be a very pleasant person for the next few weeks while I'm waiting to go on a higher dose of Spiro.
Anyway, later!
-Charlie/Carrie
(only using both names because I REALLY do not feel like the latter right now emotionally, so it feels like I would be tarnishing her name to use it on such a bitter, angry post.)
