Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH THREE, DAY TWELVE:

INFORMED CONSENT:

(oops, looks like this entry spilled over onto the next page. So as a note to everyone, this is part three of a three-part post. Don't miss parts one and two, which are on the bottom of the previous page.)

Well... here we are. The official end of my hormone "trial." As of today, I am no longer self-medicating, and I am no longer just a confused little girl trying to find herself. I'm officially a transsexual that's on an official doctor-administered dose of hormone replacement therapy, and I'm now pretty much no different from the thousands of others who have taken this journey before me. No more uncertainty, no more freaking out over what effects are potentially dangerous, no more worrying about what the hell I'm going to do if something goes wrong, and above all, no more paying $200 a freaking month just in order to feel like myself.

So, anyway, today was my official appointment with Dr. Weiss down in Columbus, one of the practitioners listed under the official "informed consent" list for those seeking hormone replacement.

Before the day started, I wasn't nervous at all. In fact, I was really relieved that I was finally going to be going under official doctor care, because I was tired of freaking out about whether this random headache or random muscle ache was because of the HRT, and having no idea what to do about it. So I was really looking forward to it. But then, I had a total panic attack. Because right after I had eaten breakfast, and talked to my mom on the phone for a good hour, I looked in my car's rear-view mirror, and I can't remember why I had my mouth open, but somehow I caught a glimpse of my tongue. And I FREAKED OUT when I saw that the top of my tongue looked yellow. And when I looked in the back of my throat, there was a spot that looked a bit yellowish too. So I started freaking panicking. "OMG, I screwed up! I must have taken too much Estrofem! Now I've destroyed my liver, and now I'm never going to get a prescription, and I'm going to have to stop HRT completely, and I'm never going to be my true self, and it's going to take months to heal, and oh God, I hope I don't end up in the hospital, and I hope I haven't done any permanent damage. Oh my God! S***, s***, s***!!! I'm screwed! Damn it!!! Why the hell didn't I just stick to Climara!" And I was freaking out like that for the entire second half of the 2-hour drive. It felt hopeless, and I was sure that I was now never going to be able to get on official HRT.

Well, I was wrong. I told Dr. Weiss about the yellowing, and he had a look at it, and he said "It's okay, it's not a lot. In fact, if you were a smoker I'd say that it looks healthy." And the appointment was pretty much not a big deal. I explained to him what I wanted, explained that I had been self-medicating for the last 2 months, and since I didn't have a therapist letter, he asked me a few questions like when I started to feel transsexual, what my eventual goals were, and about my experience so far with the medications, whether I have had any adverse effects like bruising, migranes, prolonged nausea, constipation, etc. Usually, he said, he would not prescribe hormones without a therapist letter, because otherwise there would be no guarantee that the person wasn't just crazy, but because I was self-medicating already, and because my answers sounded reasonable, he was willing to write me a temporary prescription, good for 3 months, as long as I was able to bring a therapist letter "confirming that I'm not crazy" (we laughed) by the next visit.

The rest was just typical doctors' physical stuff... heart rate, blood pressure, height, weight, a brief nose and ear check, and that was pretty much it.

I was put on pretty much every single one of the drugs that I had been on in the first place... spironolactone as an anti-androgen (I had been on Androcur, but that pretty much doesn't exist in America, so I expected that,) Estradiol pills that pretty much look EXACTLY the same as my Estrofem, and Finasteride when I asked for it. The only difference is that I will be taking doses that are a bit smaller. I had been on 100 mg daily of Androcur, but now I'm going to be on only 50 mg of Spiro. I had been taking 6mg of Estrofem, while now I'll be taking 4mg of Estradiol, (which is fine... I actually kind of felt like I was overdoing it with 6,) and the same dose of Finasteride that I was taking before starting on Dutasteride... 5mg.

You know what the great part is, though? Apparently I discovered that the company I work for, Caesar's Entertainment, has a completely transgender-inclusive health plan. Dr. Weiss said that my insurance probably wasn't going to be able to cover the cost of the estradiol, because I'm still listed as "male" legally, but to my surprise, my insurance plan covers it. And guess what? Do you want to know what the entire cost of this trip, including the doctor's visit, and THREE different prescriptions was to me? NOTHING!!! I did not pay a single penny for any of this. Because all preventative care is 100% covered by my health insurance, and its prescription drug plan is completely transgender-inclusive, so Spiro, Estradiol, and Finasteride are all completely covered under it. Three medications, ZERO expense.

Do you know how much money this is going to save me? Well, I did a calculation to find out. On my current, DIY dose, I was spending TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS every single month just on hormones. $55 on Androcur, $45 on Estrofem, and $106 on Dutasteride, just for a 28-day supply of all of them. And now I am getting all of these things for absolutely NOTHING. ZERO. ZILCH. NADA. This is awesome!!! I am going to save SO much money now that I'm official. (More money for the surgery fund and a new wardrobe, I guess. Cool beans!)

So that's pretty much it. I'm on an official prescription, Dr. Weiss said to come back in 6-8 weeks and they will check my hormone levels to see where they're at, and then we'll go from there.

Man... what an AWESOME three days. It really feels like my new life is officially beginning now, and I'm officially walking down the path to true happiness. Now I just need to find a therapist, and I'm pretty much set.

Life is just awesome sometimes... especially when you're truly experiencing it for the first time. Things seriously could not possibly be better right now.

LOVE YOU ALL!!!

-Carrie

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ) ♫･*:.｡. .｡.:*･

(Side note: I'VE SHRUNK!!! Ack! I'm serious, my height has dropped by like an entire inch and a half since my last physical. Whenever I was measured before this, I always came in around 6'2". And honestly, my height was one of the things that I was always freaking out about in regards to transition. Well, today at the doctor's office, shockingly, I barely came in at over 6 feet. I don't know how this is possible, why it's happened, or what the hell is going on, but somehow I've shrunk by an entire inch and a half. (Totally not complaining, by the way. It's going to be a hell of a lot easier to be a 6-foot woman than a 6-foot-2 woman. And I've always hated being tall anyway.))

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Hey Carrie,

I would have told you about the informed consent clinics earlier if I'd known you hadn't heard of them before...bat of luck..ALWAYS....

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Wow Carrie...What a girl! You look absolutely great! I love your voice...Any odd looks you might get could be attributed to your size..You are a large woman..Tall..

Just an unusually tall girl...You really have good features...Nice lips..Get some lip gloss on them... I see a fantastic future ahead..Lots of days as good or better than that one...Keep talking...smooches Jackie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH THREE, DAY TWENTY-TWO:

Man... it has been a LONG time since I've posted. And mostly it's just because I haven't had time recently. Work has been absolutely nuts this week, and my moods have been such a roller coaster that I simply haven't had the energy. And I really don't tonight either, but I really have a lot of things I want to say, so I just needed to get them out of my system.

The biggest

change of all since my last update is that

I did finally have my official informed-consent appointment last Tuesday. So I've now been off of DIY and on an official medically-supervised HRT regiment for a full 10 days now. And man... I must tell you, these last ten days have been a complete hell. My moods have been so up and down it's ridiculous. I've felt like crying almost every single day at work this week, and I've been feeling TERRIBLE feelings of dysphoria, and there's some days where I just feel so tired and depressed that I don't even want to get out of bed. I've felt this way twice over the last week and a half... for about three days when I first switched over to the new HRT meds/doses, and then it went away for a few days and I felt great, but over the last 3 days I've been back to feeling like complete crap. Tonight, my mood was so bad going into work that I actually had to break my diet and eat a giant piece of chocolate cake and an entire 20-oz glass of coffee just to give myself the motivation to keep working. It worked, but man, this has NOT been fun. And certain things that I had been rid of for a long time, like a lack of a sex drive, have been creeping back in. I've found it easier to have sexual thoughts, and the guy bits have been feeling a bit more functional again, for the last week or so. And my feelings of depression and dysphoria always seem to be paired with this change in sexual desire, so I'm pretty much 100% sure that it's because T is creeping back in. And it makes sense. I mean, I went from a 100mg/day dose of androcur, to a 50mg/day dose of Spiro, which is also a much less potent anti-androgen to start with.

So needless to say, my body is really putting up a fight in regards to the new doses. I suspect that the up-and-down moods are pretty much because as soon as I switched to Spiro, my body instantly recovered its T production, and it overcompensated, and levels shot up. And then it realized that it overcompensated and slingshotted back down, which left me feeling right back to being awesome for a period of 3 days or so, and then it overcorrected for the drop and went back up, which is likely why I've felt like total crap for the last 3 days. It is seriously taking all of my willpower to not just dig back into the box of Androcur and take an extra pill, because I can REALLY feel the change in doses doing bad things to me. But at the same time, I know that I can't do that, because I have my first official blood-work checkup on May 6th, and if I've been artificially dropping my T levels, the doctor won't have anything to go off of, and therefore won't be able to increase my Spiro dosage if the T levels really are too high. So as bad as I've felt, I'm just trying to put up with it, give it time to equilibrate once again, give it time to go back to normal just like it did during that terrible week at the end of the first month where I had to go on half-doses of androcur for a whole week, and felt just as crappy, and then hopefully either they will be back to normal soon enough, or my doctor will up the dosage. Fingers crossed.

You know what's killing me, though? It's the not knowing. I want to know what my hormone levels are doing. I want to know if it really is T that is causing me to feel so crappy, and if my hunches are right. Right now, I have absolutely no way of knowing. I can only guess what's going on in there. And it just leads to so much worrying and so much thinking and obsessing, it's downright tiring.

Physically, there has been quite a change beginning to happen in the muscle department. I am suddenly losing a TON of upper-body strength, and upper body bulk as well. My waist measurements really haven't changed at all for the last 3 weeks, but my overbust measurement has now dropped all the way down to 39.25 inches, a drop of FOUR inches from where it started. I'm starting to be able to see my shoulder bones more, and the collarbones. And man... my lifting capacity ain't what it used to be. My bed frame broke a few days ago, so I had to take it back to the mattress store, which involved taking both the mattress and the box spring off of it and then disassembling the frame, loading it in my car, and then doing the exact same thing in reverse order once I got the new one. That frame weighed maybe 30 lbs. And it just about KILLED me. I was completely and totally SPENT by the time I finally got done. And this should NOT have happened. I worked at the mail room in college. I regularly had to carry 60-lb boxes of paper up three flights of stairs on a daily basis. And I made it through that just fine. Where now, I could barely even carry a 30-lb bed frame. So I have lost a LOT of strength. And in fact, the body-composition scale in the bathroom says that I've lost almost 6.5 lbs of muscle since January, a total drop of about 6.6% from my male days already.

Honestly, every single muscle in my entire upper body is starting to feel weaker. I've noticed that I get tired at work MUCH faster, and that I can't pitch cards with the same speed as before without it being uncomfortable. And this is the weirdest one of all... my voice is changing. I was not expecting this, but it's actually gotten higher all on its own over the last month or so. When I made my most recent update video, and compared it to the original ones, I seriously am speaking with a whole new voice, without even trying. In fact, I couldn't even duplicate the tone of voice, or the pitch, of the original videos, even when I tried. And my voice has also lost a LOT of its power. I do a lot of talking at work, and I've found that I can't talk with much volume for very long before my voice starts getting tired. I never had this problem before. I could talk all day. But now it's gotten weaker. My voice has softened, and the tone has become more soft and calm and pleasant naturally, and I just don't have the same kind of power behind it anymore. And this is pretty much what it feels like with most of my body's muscles. They've seriously lost a lot of strength. They get tired VERY quickly, and usually by the last 2 hours of work or so, I'm in a lot of pain. But unlike before, where every time my muscles got this tired on a daily basis they'd quickly adjusted to the fatigue, get used to their new work load, strengthen, and I'd stop feeling the pain after a week or so of doing the same tasks every day, now they don't. Honestly, it feels like every single time I work the muscles, they don't get stronger at all, they just get weaker and weaker, and shrink more and more. It seriously feels like they're healing backwards.

Also, about a week or so ago, su

ddenly I started getting these o

dd hip pains. They were there when I woke up in the morning, and continued all day. It didn't really hurt, but it felt like it was being strained and pulled in some odd way. And then suddenly one day while I was walking home from work, I caught a glimpse of my walk in a glass door, and I was shocked, my walk has just suddenly become naturally feminine. I've suddenly got that exact same "hip sway" that natural girls have, even when I'm not trying to do it. So I'm assuming the weird hip pains have something to do with it, but I don't know what. I think I've heard that transsexuals' hips actually do rotate into a more feminine position given enough time, so maybe that's what that was, but I don't know. Usually that doesn't happen for months, so I'm kind of thinking that it's way too early for something like that, but it certainly feels like it.

Physically, I really am at the point where I feel almost completely female. Every single day I'm feeling it more and more. And although I'm not really able to see it every day (it seems that my ability to see the femininity of my own appearance varies GREATLY depending on my mood. On my happy days, I feel GREAT about the feminizing that's happening, while on my depressed mopey days it seems like all I can see is a guy,) I definitely feel it. And the feeling, unlike the visuals, never change. I can feel myself walking more feminine, talking more feminine, and even just acting more feminine, every single day.

And it's becoming more and more obvious that this is showing. Mis-aging at the poker tables has become almost the norm. People have consistently been calling me "kid," where they didn't used to before. On the few times that my age does come up, the last four people in a row that have guessed my age guessed WAY too young, by 5-6 years or more. Their guesses were 21, "you seriously look about 19," 22, and "like 21-and-a-half" respectively. And someone asked me "are you sure you're old enough to be dealing this game?" I'm 27. In fact, I'm 27-and-a-half as of 2 weeks from now. And people NEVER mis-aged me before I started HRT. But now not a single person ever guesses my age right anymore. The closest that anyone has come within the last month was guessing 25. And when I finally came out to one of my co-workers, she said to me "Oh, so THAT'S why. There was this one morning where I was looking at you where it was like "man, what's going on? Charlie looks like he's glowing for some reason."" So it's becoming blatantly obvious to me that people are noticing, and that I have SIGNIFICANTLY changed within the last 2.5 months.

Man... yet again, I still have so many things to say, but the length is just getting out of control. Plus I'm getting tired. It's almost 5:30 in the morning here, so time for bed. I'll just save the rest for another entry.

Good night!

-Carrie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH THREE, DAY TWENTY-SIX:

Well, this is it. Today was my first official appointment with a therapist, which is pretty much the last hurdle to clear before I can officially call myself transsexual, and begin to go through every single one of the final steps.

And, well... this session surprised the hell out of me. After a full hour of basically telling my life story, going through my entire life, from when I was a kid, up through my teenage era of extreme dysphoria, to my college years, to my years of suppressing my gender issues with religion, and then into extensive detail about why I finally decided to start transition, she said something that I never thought I would hear a therapist say. "Are you sure you even want to continue with therapy? Because I mean, most of the people I get in here are still at the questioning phase, and need help getting through coming out, and have to deal with unaccepting family, and unaccepting friends, and need emotional support, and are in a bad situation job-wise, but honestly, I'm shocked, you seem to have everything going for you, and I really don't think you necessarily need any more therapy. So it's up to you. Do you feel like you want to schedule another session, or not?" And no, I'm not joking. She basically told me that my story was absolutely amazing, that she's so happy for me that I've finally found my true happiness, and she didn't think that I even needed therapy anymore, and she was willing to basically just write any letters that I needed and call it done.

Have I mentioned how seriously blessed I feel? I could not have asked for this whole thing to have gone better. Sure, I had some doubts along the way, but the place that I'm in now truly feels like heaven.

The last time that I wrote a daily entry, I reported that I was feeling depressed after switching from DIY to the official prescription regiment, possibly because my hormones were bouncing up and down and re-equilibrating. Well, that feeling is now officially long gone. The day after I wrote that entry

[quote="cheetaking243 (imported)" time=

1358399880]
, suddenly I was right back to feeling
[/quote]
unfathomably happy. And then, day after day, that feeling just continued to get better and better, and today was the best day yet in terms of how I'm feeling. I'm right back to the mood that I was in during my last week of DIY... my mind is just COMPLETELY at peace. I feel so happy, and so content, and so relaxed and comfortable, I can barely stand it. Life is just amazing right now. All of that mental dysphoria that I had been feeling for my entire adult life, all of the bitterness and depression and lack of being able to feel emotion, and feeling "wrong," it's just completely gone. POOF! And every single day, without fail, I seriousl

y am now feeling the happiest that [quote=

"cheetaking243 (imported)" time=1358166960]
I have ever felt in my entire life.
[/quote]
I'm reaching female levels of hormones, if not already there, and OH MY GOD, it feels great! It really does feel like I'm truly alive for the first time.

I'm starting to realize something amazing... the battle is officially over. It's done. Gone. And I've already won. For all practical purposes, I'm a girl now, just as much as anyone else. And why am I able to say this? Because again, the battle is over. I've already changed my gender. On the very instant that I decided I was going to do this HRT regiment, I changed my gender. Because on that very instant, my future changed. Before that moment, I was still going to grow up into a man... and get the bulbous face and masculine structure and gross facial hair and shapeless body just like every single other guy. But on the instant that I decided to take those first pills of Androcur and Estrogen, I changed my future. Starting on that very moment, I became a girl. Because once I decided to take those pills, my future officially changed. I'm not going to grow up into a man anymore. I'm going to grow up into a woman. I'm going to get hips, and I'm going to get boobs, and I'm going to live the rest of my life with that softer skin, and weaker muscles, and feminine shapes all over. That is my future. So for all practical purposes, I am a woman. Just one who hasn't fully developed yet.

Basically, right now I'm just an 11-year old girl physically. I'm just now starting puberty. I'm just now starting to get that cute newly-budding tweenage shape to me, and as time goes on I will go through the rest of the stages, and switch from the tight slim "cute" curves to full-blown adult female curves given enough time. And it really is just a matter of time. And now when I look at women, I'm honestly not that jealous anymore. Because I realize, I'm a woman just like them. The only difference is that they got a 15-year head start on puberty. They started it at like age 11 or 12, where I didn't start it until age 27. But that's who I am physically right now. I'm basically an 11 or 12 year old girl physically. And again, that time is limited. Soon those cute developing shapes will blossom, and I'll see my true adult self in the mirror. (And as a visual aid to show off some of those slowly-budding "cute" shapes on both my body as well as my increasingly-feminine face, well... here's a picture of me showing off my new pair of jean shorts for the camera. http://i47.tinypic.com/t9cojb.jpg)

Yeah... I feel awesome, and just unbelievably secure in my new developing body and my new role in life. Thinking of myself as basically being an 11-year-old is a HUGE emotional boost, one that has freed me from constantly worrying so much. And it fills me with a sort of giddy excitement to know that right now, I'm basically going through the very thing that every other girl went through, and that I wished for so long could have been happening to me instead of my male puberty. (minus the periods, of course...)

So yeah... it's just a matter of time. My days of even being able to present as male are numbered, and by the time I'm 30, I'll basically be looking at a woman in the mirror every single day, without any effort whatsoever.

Feels awesome!

Hugs all around!

-Carrie

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Hi Carrie,

I'd still probably consider seeing the therapist once a month or every other month while you are still in the beginning of your journey. Just to have a sounding board.

BTW what was the informed consent appointment like? Was it just a questionnaire and a checkup?

Congrats on how well its going thus far!

[foxytaur (imported)]

wow huge change around the face. more plump in the right ways.

I think ill look pretty too. I just need to belive myself.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Hi Carrie,

I'd still probably consider seeing the therapist once a month or every other month while you are still in the beginning of your journey. Just to have a sounding board.

BTW what was the informed consent appointment like? Was it just a questionnaire and a checkup?

Yes, I did decide to keep seeing the therapist even though she said I didn't necessarily need to, because I felt like I could still use some advice about getting a better social life, and discovering just what I can be passionate about now. (I have like no hobbies at the moment, because I realized that all of my old hobbies were basically just addictive time-wasters that I used to distract myself from my gender issues. But now they've just lost their appeal because I don't need that distraction anymore.) So yeah, I am going to keep going, and I have another appointment next week, and she said after that to maybe go to once a month or so.

In regards to the informed consent, basically I just got a basic checkup including height, weight, pulse, blood pressure, ear/eye/throat exam, etc. And then I told the doctor that I was self-medicating with HRT, and wanted to switch to official medical supervision, he asked me what medications I was taking and what doses, we had a brief talk about my history with transgenderism and what my goals were by taking hormones, we went over my medical history to make sure that I was healthy enough for them, and then he asked me if I had any questions about the effects of the hormones, and I pretty much said no, since I'd already pretty much researched (and felt) all of them. Then I signed a form authorizing the prescription, and that was it. He told me that usually he would indeed require a therapist letter first, and that I'd also need one by my next visit "basically just to make sure that you're not crazy," but because I was self-medicating he was willing to start me immediately, and we scheduled an appointment for 6 weeks later to check my blood work and see where my hormone levels were at. That was pretty much it. And by "therapist letter," I don't mean the typical Harry-Benjamin gatekeeping hormone requirements letter. The therapist letter that he said he needed was basically just something saying that I'm of sound mind to make my own decision regarding this. Which, clearly, was pretty much no problem whatsoever. I could easily have gotten it today if I really wanted to, but I didn't feel the need. There's no reason to rush. It's still another whole month before my next appointment with Dr. Weiss.

[Mac (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

M

ONTH THREE, DAY TWENTY-SIX:

.................................

Basically, right now I'm just an 11-year old girl physically. I'm just now starting puberty. I'm just now starting to get that cute newly-budding tweenage shape to me, and as time goes on I will go through the rest of the stages, and switch from the tight slim "cute" curves to full-blown adult female curves given enough time. And it really is just a matter of time. And now when I look at women, I'm honestly not that jealous anymore. Because I realize, I'm a woman just like them. The only difference is that they got a 15-year head start on puberty. They started it at like age 11 or 12, where I didn't start it until age 27. But that's who I am physically right now. I'm basically an 11 or 12 year old girl physically. And again, that time is limited. Soon those cute developing shapes will blossom, and I'll see my true adult self in the mirror. (And as a visual aid to show off some of those slowly-budding "cute" shapes on both my body as well as my increasingly-feminine face, well... here's a picture of me showing off my new pair of je

an shorts for the camera. http://i47

.tinypic.com/t9cojb.jpg)

...................................

So yeah... it's just a matter of time. My days of even being able to present as male are numbered, and by the time I'm 30, I'll basically be looking at a woman in the mirror every single day, without any

effort whatsoever.

Feels awesome!

Hugs all around!

-Carrie

You are looking great.

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

That's great about the informed consent place. I first heard about them on the Yahoo DIY Hormones group. Glad I was able to pass it along (once I remembered about it) Sounds like things are moving along at a good pace and the decisions are what is the right path for you.

{{Hugs}}

Wolf-Pup