Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[foxytaur (imported)]

cheetaking fruits contain tons of vitamins. yes some are high GI but low glycemic load bc most of it is water. An orange for example mainly consists of water. This makes it easy to digest. Watermelons, papaya, apples etc...

A banana however. Sketchy. The less ripe the less glycemic index. A mature banana is more sweet but has more sugars now.

Its all about balance.

If your going to eat something with more starch in it eat it in the morning when your metabolism is at it's max.

The tough thing about carbs is trying to maintain a keto ratio.

But what "Fatkin's" diet does is tell you all carbs are bad.

Just go with meats and fats.

What "Fatkin's" doesn't tell you is the choice of healthy wide variety of monosaturated fats out there.(grape seed oil, virgin olive oil, cocnut oil, avocados, seaweed oil etc...)

Your starting to notice some overlapping with paleo diet eh?:D

And of course "Fatkin's" tells you to skimp on fruit and major low carb yam veggies.

This is retarded.

I like the Paleo diet but I know about ketogenesis. I try to tweak both to find the optimum efficiency that works for me. And you do this by trial and error. Everyone's different.

I also cheat by using supplements but plz be careful with them. I alternate them every 2 days.

But deffinetly opt for krill oil or fish oil containing noni fruit. THese omega 3's allow for

proper DHA and EPA levels and make it so that your blood doesnt clot as often.

Yes this is a natural blood thinner.

Your going to need this while on estrogen so you can avoid strokes, thrombosis and heart attacks.

[foxytaur (imported)]

im still researching methods to employ against blood clots so stay tuned.

My mother side has history of heart attacks.

Thats why im so scarred of estrogen but im still going to take the plunge when im ready.

I cant wait till tech get's to the point where new heart translants (aka 3d-bio organ printing using stem cells) or advanced artificial hearts come into play.

But that still leaves strokes into the equation. Im researching hard about how to prevent that. kk

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

So, tonight, although I'm not going to post an "official" entry, I do feel the need to say a few words on my chosen methods of estrogen delivery. Because I spent the first 2 months of this HRT regiment using Climara-100 patches, a transdermal patch that delivers estrogen through the skin, but as of 5 days ago I have switched to Estrofem, a pill taken by normal oral methods. (Although I haven't been swallowing it, I've been taking it sublinguinally, which basically just means sticking it under my tongue for a few minutes until it dissolves.)

So, here's my report. Climara patches are a freaking pain in the butt! (Literally in the case of the very first week I was on them... ha...) You have to shave the area before you put them on, make sure that it is completely clean, and even with that the application site itches like hell, and leaves these very unsightly red marks that have now formed a checkerboard pattern all over the sides of my hips. And that's another thing. If you're expecting them to stay on, there is a VERY narrow area that can accommodate them. It took me FOUR failed attempts to finally figure this location out. The top of the butt didn't work at all (itched like hell and fell off after only 3 days,) the lower stomach didn't work (also itched like hell and fell off after only 4 days,) the upper arm didn't work (didn't itch, but fell off after only 3 days,) and putting it on the hip but too close to the middle also didn't work. (Itched like hell, left the biggest red mark of them all, and fell off after 5 days.) So there is this EXTREMELY narrow space on the sides of the hips, which isn't constantly moving and stretching and bending, and is sensitive enough to make it stick, but not too sensitive that it makes you itch and leaves red marks, and that was where I was stuck putting ALL of the patches, offset by about an inch from week to week, (you're not supposed to put them in the same space twice,) and it left this terrible checkerboard pattern all over the area. And the marks are still there, even almost a month later. Plus not to mention heat can make them release their estrogen faster than they're supposed to, so I just constantly had this up-and-down emotional cycle where I felt amazing at the beginning of the week but like total crap by the end of the week. So I REALLY do not recommend for anyone else to use these patches. They're a total pain in the butt.

However, in one respect, I am glad that I started on them rather than Estrofem. Because Estrofem is WAY more potent stuff. So potent in fact, that I genuinely believe that it would have been an extreme shock to my system if I had started out on full doses of that instead of the Climara patches, which are VERY gentle by comparison. And hell, I even did the same thing with my DHT inhibitor as well, starting out on the less-potent Finasteride, then switched to the (wrong) dosage of Dutasteride, and then finally going for the full dose. So in a way I actually did things much like actual medically-supervised HRT starts things out... with a less potent dose of estrogen, and a less potent dose of DHT inhibitor, and I've worked my way up to full doses of the most potent stuff.

And did I mention that Estrofem was potent? My God, that stuff is downright unbelievable. I could feel it within 20 minutes of taking my first pill. It was like the first day that I had ever been on estrogen all over again... my mood just shot into the stratosphere, I felt like a little kid with all of the unbridled gleeful energy that was filling me, and that feeling didn't go away at all, unlike with the Climara where it tapered off significantly by the next day. It is now day 5 since I started Estrofem. And every single day that I've been on it has been among the happiest days of my entire life. That stuff is unbelievable! It has single-handedly lifted my default mood up into being what I would call "contented gleefulness." I feel SO happy every single day, and just feel like smiling and being open and nice, and I just want to hug every single person that I see. I did NOT get this on Climara. EVER. In fact, there were many days on Climara where I wondered if the estrogen was having any effect on me at all, because I didn't really feel that different, and often felt even worse than before on my bad days, and got really mopey about how it wasn't having any effect at all, and I couldn't see it, and was I ever going to be a girl? But with Estrofem, EVERYTHING has changed. Although I can still feel pretty crappy when I'm tired or frustrated, there is not a single moment where my default state is not happiness. It's almost like my mind is telling me "thank you! Now THESE are the hormones that I've always wanted!" And the tension is just gone. I feel so feminine, and so much like myself, I really do feel like I've entered the zone where, for the first time ever, there is NO mental gender dysphoria left. For the first time, I feel like me. And I like me. And this feeling is

only getting better and better with every single day.

When I went from male hormones to Climara, my default mood switched from "meh..." to "Wow!" where now on Estrofem my mood has switched from "Wow!" to "OMFG!!!" Climara was like gasoline being thrown on a fire. Estrofem is like rocket fuel. (And again, I'm taking it sublinguinally, so that means that more of the estraidol is staying in its most potent form as it enters my bloodstream rather than being processed by the liver.)

In just these 5 short days, the physical changes have already been rapidly accelerating. My nipples have now reached the point of tenderness where ANY pressure on them hurts. And the breast growth over the last 5 days has been going remar

kably fast, such that I'm now inde

ed completely filling out the padded B-cup bra that I bought a while ago. And as unlikely as this sounds, I can really feel my overall body shape and my muscles starting to change right before my very eyes. My hands have REALLY slimmed down all of a sudden, and now look almost completely like female hands. The muscles in my arms are starting to look different. My chest and stomach are getting smoother and smoother, to the point that I don't even feel like I'm in the same body anymore while I'm getting dressed and walking around, because the "feel" is so different. Just today, I started feeling some of that "hip pain" that a lot of trans-girls describe, which is generally agreed is because of the tendons in the hips re-arranging. I had this REALLY weird moment yesterday where suddenly speaking in my normal male voice actually felt uncomfortable, like the muscles in my throat were changing so that the "girl voice" was what felt more natural. And my face, especially the skin texture, has suddenly just really started to pick up the pace in terms of changing. Tonight when I looked in the mirror at work, suddenly, for a while I actually could see my face as female. It completely blew my mind. So now I believe I'm getting close to crossing the threshold with my face as well. My "girl mode" is look

ing better and better with every single day.

So yeah... on the one hand I'm glad that I started on Climara, because it did ease me into it, but on the other hand, again, Estrofem is WAY more potent. So if I had been on it from the start, I really do believe that I'd be a lot further along in the changes by now. But you know, it's okay. I'm basically just sharing this information so that others who partake on this venture will know what the better method is. Yes, Estrofem has a much greater risk of liver damage, but that's another reason why I'm taking it sublinguinally. Because the hormones miss the first pass through the liver that would come with just swallowing the pill, and aren't metabolized, not only avoiding most of the damage but also retaining the estraidol in its most potent form. And yes, it's no hassle whatsoever to take it sublinguinally. It doesn't taste bad at all. In fact, it tastes really good. It's a very pleasant sweet taste, almost like having estrogen candy in your month. So yeah. Not much else to say. Estrofem is awesome!!! I love it, and kind of wish that I'd been taking it from the start.

(Side Note: looks like I've been moved to the "Blogs and Life Stories" section. Well, fair enough, seeing as how I never seem to talk much about the actual effects of the hormones anymore, and have moved more to talking about actual transition and life changes.)

[butterflyjack (imported)]

How much Estrofem do you take, Carrie..I take a total of 4 MGs daily...2 in the a.m., 2 in the p.m. About 9-10 months now, I guess, plus the finasteride and 75 mgs daily of spiro...smooches Jackie

[Hildy_ (imported)]

I also used to use estrofem, but I had a lot of mood swings while on it. Turns out that estrofem, being estradiol hemihydrate, it's processed kinda fast into its active form by the liver, leading to rather high peaks and deep valleys in estrogen levels. If you're also sensitive to that, look into using progynova instead. It's estradiol valerate, which though slightly less potent, is also activated at a slightly slower pace.

It's not as easy to take sublingually though; you'll have to crush the pills first.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Butterflyjack, I'm taking 6 mgs. The same site that I found my doses of Androcur and Climara from recommended 6-8 mgs daily, and this was confirmed by blogs of people with official endo prescriptions. So since I'm airing on the side of caution, I'm going with the lowest recommended doses of everything. So I'm taking 3 pills per day, once when I first wake up (noonish,) one right before I go to work at 8, and one when I get home from work at 4 a.m. (Plus 100 mg daily of Androcur [2 pills], 2 mg daily of Dutasteride [4 pills], and a bunch of dietary supplements like omega-3's and biotin which are supposed to help with healthy tissue generation.)

Hildy, so far I have had NO mood swings whatsoever. Even near the end of my 8-hour gaps between taking pills, I'm usually still on cloud-nine emotionally and giggling like a school girl. I had HUGELY worse mood swings on Climara. Again, maybe it's because I'm taking the estrofem sublinguinally, so more of the active form stays in my bloodstream longer

rather than being processed by the liver,

but I don't know. All I know is that I feel absolutely amazing, and this amazing mood has not diminished one single bit in the 6 days since I switched from Climara to Estrofem.

[Hildy_ (imported)]

Ah right, you're on a much higher dose than I was on at the time (0,5mg). My body probably simply ran out during the day.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

All righty, everyone, my official informed-consent appointment is only another 9 hours from now. So this was the official last day that I'll be completely DIY'ing. Hopefully after tomorrow, I'll have labs and a prescription just like any other "normal" transsexual.

Also, I took a HUGE step tonight, and finally officially took my "girl mode" into a public place,

for the very first time in my entire life.

So my life as a girl has indeed officially begun now. Granted, I've entered it as a girl who was completely scared out of her f***ing mind, but I'll get to that later.

I'll have a full report on both of these major events tomorrow.

As for tonight, although I'm still recovering my nerves from how frightening it was to go out in public dressed as my new gender for the first time, I still feel absolutely awesome. Estrofem is one hell of a drug. :p I haven't had one even remotely bad day since starting it. Every single day has just been fantastic, and I don't think I've ever felt this consistently happy before. It's almost like my brain just completely doesn't understand the concept of depression, or even "meh" anymore. Hell, I even had a day that was even BETTER than my first day on estrogen (if you can believe that. And no, I didn't think it was possible either. But it happened. I really did top what was the best day of my entire life. On this new happiest day, I spent an HOUR straight crying, because I was so overwhelmed with happiness.)

Whatever... again, details coming tomorrow.

Let's close out tonight with some mood-appropriate songs for how I've been feeling r[q

uote="cheetaking243 (imported)" t

ime=1359892980]
ecently. Enjoy some nice sunny '6

0'

s optimism!

"Dear Pr
[/quote]
udence" (http://www.youtube[quote="cheetaking24

3 (imported)" time=1359892980]
.c

om/watch?v=7ppmdvXsMBE) by The B
[/quote]
eatles

"Here Comes the Sun" (http://www.youtu

be.com/watch?v=Bj1AesMfIf8) by The

Beatles

"Don't Worry Baby" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QB2Ck00YZ8) by The Beach Boys

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Okay, so before I start this entry, this I have decided is another one that I'm going to have to split into multiple parts. Because these things happened on three separate days, I believe it's appropriate, and trying to put them all in one entry would really be overdoing it, and making one giant jumbled mess. So this is going to be a three-part entry... one about what I consider now to be the best day of my entire life, one about my first time out in public as a girl, and finally one about what should pretty much be the end of this entire hormone "trial" concept in the first place... my official informed-consent doctor's appointment. So you get three entries for the price of one today. Enjoy! And here's hoping that nobody's eyes will be hurting too badly by the time they've finished reading the hellish mass of text that I have in store.

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH THREE, DAY TEN:

BEST... DAY... EVER!!!

Oh, man... what a day. What... a... day. This was totally the best day of my entire life! And, well, I know I can't gush about it too long without completely going overboard, so I'll just go ahead and get to the details, and save the "OMG"s and the "YAY!!!!"s for later. :p

It all started approximately 5 days ago. For some reason, I have REALLY been getting the itch to take my "girl mode" public recently. I've been feeling cooped up, caged, contained, like the real me doesn't exist when I have to go out into the "real" world, and like I'm still putting on a mask every time I take off my wig and put on men's clothing. And one night, it got to the point where I seriously was pushed to the brink of doing it. The desire was so strong. And yet it was one of those cases of "unstoppable force meets immovable object." The unstoppable force was my feminine desires, egging me on, telling me that I'm not going to be a whole person, and that my real life can't truly begin, until I finally start taking my real self out into the real world. The immovable object is the sum of all of my fears, all of my insecurities, all of the things in my head telling me that I'm not good enough, that I'm going to get clocked, that people are going to look at me funny, that my voice isn't good enough, that my hair is too obviously a wig, that I still have too much of a masculine body shape. So, in my insecurity, I decided that I needed to make a "pre-public" video, where I would just record myself talking to the camera in "girl mode," and try to honestly judge whether I would clock myself as transsexual or not. And then I posted the video over in Susan's Transgender Boards, in the "Could I Pass One Day?" topic, to see what others thought, since I'm obvious

ly not the best critic of mysel

f. (Here is the video link... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBwBPtmhrxk)

The response that I got was quite surprising. I didn't think the video was that great, and I thought that my voice was really meh, but that's not what other people thought apparently. The responses ranged from "I'd say good pass, voice and looks" to "You have nice features and a basically pretty face already" to this one that completely blew me away... "Yeah cheetaking! You go girl! Good video You're going to do great!! Voice is good, you're definitely gonna pass! Own it!!!"

Having those compliments definitely gave me more confidence. Every morning that I looked in the mirror, I started feeling better and better about myself. Until final

ly we come to this morning in history.

Oh, God, what a day.

Do you all remember the blue s

hirt that I posted pictures of myself wearing WAY back, like over a month ago? (Yeah... THIS (http://i47.tinypic.com/34y1pig.jpg) picture and THIS (http://i50.tinypic.com/anof86.jpg) picture? [Gross... ]) Well, the video I just mentioned made me feel a LOT better about my body shape. My waist has really slimmed down, and my arms are actually starting to look a lot less bulky, and people were telling me that I sounded good and looked good. So, itching to go in public, but not having a single female shirt aside from that cruddy grey v-neck, I decided to give that blue shirt that Jenny gave me another chance. So I dressed up in full-on girl-mode, complete with the exact same jeans, the exact same padded bra, and one of my two new wigs, (this one is called the "Vera" wig,) and decided to see if I looked any better in that shirt and jeans. And... well... God... I'll just let the visuals speak for themselves here. THIS (http://i47.tinypic.com/72t0d0.jpg) was the result

. And when I

looked at myself in the mirror, and

posed, and moved left and right, and just took it all in, I COMPLETELY flipped out. I just couldn't believe it! My body looked female! In pretty much every single way! I had a waist! And I had hips! And my face actually looked female too! Yeah... I just simply could not believe it. I practically fell over, overwhelmed with emotion, completely unable to believe what I was seeing.

I was so happy that I actually started crying. It felt like I was finally looking at myself in the mirror... my true self... for the first time EVER. After so long of having to look at this big dumb fat guy, this guy that I hated, and this guy that I was stuck as, suddenly I was looking in the mirror and truly seeing a girl, and not just a half-man-half-woman he-she-thing wearing a wig. And I realized "Oh my God, I'm there. I've made it!!! I actually have a girl mode now! And I actually look nice!" I was just SO happy, so overwhelmed, feeling so amazing. I knew this was one of those moments that I was going to want to remember FOREVER! So in the emotion of the moment, I made a video of myself, feeling like this was just too good to be true, feeling like there had to be something wrong with my presen

tation somewhere, that surely w

hen I talked it would mess it

up or something. But I still ju

st couldn't contain myself because I was so happy. Here is the video: (beware, the level of happiness might be too much for some viewers to handle. :p) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmWmePGd0RE

Feeling more confident than I've ever felt before, I posted the picture in the "You Look Fabulous Darling" thread on Susan's. And again, I was expecting at least some response, but the sheer magnitude of the replies that I got was so unbelievable that it just completely blew me away. Some of the replies this time were: "Look at those curves! Girl you make those clothes look good! No need to be so self conscious you are going to be gorgeous! Heck you already are!" and "Wowowow pass pass pass that was fast!!! You look amazing!! Holy crap!" plus "You look amazing! Wow you have curves I'm so jealous. " and "Carrie!! you rock those curves! the smile sez it all " and "Wow! You look awesome, Carrie " Those were just the responses to the picture. And then, while I was thanking everyone, telling them how happy I was, I posted the video too. And the replies to that were "Awwwww! " and "Awwww!! ..indeed. You are a sweetie, Carrie! I adore your positive attitude Reading your post and watching your video brought back some joyous memories of my own... seriously... thank you for sharing that with us! Your tears of joy are contagious, my eyes welled up a few times!" and someone even posted a comment that said "adorable! :3" on the actual video.

Oh God... I just could not contain myself after that. I started BAWLING. I cried like a freaking 5-year-old. I just curled up into my bed, and absolutely started sobbing, sniffing, with tears pourin

g out, and I just couldn't stop. I co

uldn't believe it. After a LIFETIME of wishing that I could be called "sweet," called "cute," called "adorable"... after a whole lifetime of going onto internet chat rooms as a girl, and people always telling me that they loved how bubbly I was, and how happy I was, and yet that was the only place that I EVER got comments such as that because my stupid big-dumb-guy appearance was the farthest away from "cute" or "bubbly" that you could possibly imagine... after YEARS, and YEARS, and YEARS of wishing so much that one day I could finally be called those things not just based on some internet alias but based on my real actual physical body... IT'S HERE!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! People were actually calling me "sweet" and "cute" and talking to me like I always wished my true self could be talked to, and it wasn't just based on some fake self that only existed in the digital world... it was the REAL ME!!! The REAL, physical me, actually talking and actually existing in the real world, and people were still saying those same things! OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OMIGOD, OH MY F***ING GOD!!!!!!!!!!! I cried. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried some more. For an entire HOUR, I was sobbing on my bed, just so overwhelmed with emotion. (I'm starting to cry again just by thinking about it.) I've never cried so much in my entire life. NEVER. And they were the happiest, most beautiful tears that you could possibly imagine.

So yeah... there

is a very good reason why this was my

BEST DAY EVER!!! I've never felt so happy in my entire life. The real me exists! She finally exists! It's like I'm being born again, into the life that I've always wished that I could have. Just... God... NOTHING is ever going to be able to beat this day. F*** that first day on estrogen. Not even it can compare to this. I've

never been so happy in my entire life!!!

With lots of love!

-Carrie

:')

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG...

MONTH THREE, DAY ELEVEN:

GOING PUBLIC:

So, the last time we left off in this story, I was feeling happier than I ever had in my entire life, and I had a whole page and a half full of compliments from the girls at Susan's on how great I looked in my full "girl mode" dress. I really was finally fee

ling confident enough to go out in public,

dressed as a girl, for the very

first time in my entire life. A

nd after two whole months of HRT and an entire lifetime of wishing that I could, 14 years of wishing that I could, I finally did it for the first time.

So, today was the first of 2 consecutive days off from work for me. I've been feeling like going outside in "girl mode" pretty much ever since about the 1-month mark on HRT, but I just never seemed to actually do it on my days off, and then before I knew it it was back to work and another

week of waiting before I'd have another

chance. Well, last night I pretty much decided that today was the day. As I was replying to all of the amazing encouragement that I received on the "You Look Fabulous Darling" thread, I got really psyched up about going to Goodwill and shopping for some new clothes and shoes completely dressed as a woman, and finally able to shop in that section for as long as I wanted, able to try on as much as I wanted, without having to worry about the judgmental stares of others and the inevitable look in their eyes where you can just tell that they're asking themselves "why is a man shopping in the women's section?"

Well... unfortunately, the Goodwill trip still didn't pan out. I ideally wanted to go early in the day, before the store was too crowded, but I didn't wake up until almost 2 p.m., so that plan was shot from the very beginning. I kept telling myself "It's okay, you can still go even if it's crowded. Nobody will care." But even though I kept telling myself that, I still just kept putting it off and putting it off all the early-afternoon long, and by the time I was finally ready to shower and shave and pluck and get dressed so that I could get going, my roommate arrived home, blocking my car in the driveway, so my mind used that as an excuse to give up. I felt terrible about that... I was cursing myself all night, feeling so stupid, asking myself why I didn't just do it and get it out of the way, and why I always had to be so nervous about it, and why even though I wanted to do it SO badly, and that the real me was never going to even be born until I let her out in public, I still never did it.

Then, out of the blue a few hours later, Jenny said that she was going to head out, and go to the gym for a while. So there was still hope! I could still get my car out. Goodwill was now out of the question, because it was 8:00 at night and they were closed, but I still really felt like I just HAD to do it today, so my new plan was to go to Walmart and buy some steaks for dinner, and maybe go into the women's shoe area while I was there, since I own NO women's shoes whatsoever. (And Jenny's shoes are unfortunately about a size and a half too small, so I couldn't just borrow hers like I did with her old clothes.)

Anyway, at about 11:00 at night, after another three hours of procrastinating, I FINALLY decided "to hell with this. I'm sick of all of this waiting and uncertainty and being afraid and being cooped up in my room if I want to be my true gender. I'm going, damn it!!!" And so I dressed up in my full "girl mode," complete with tight v-neck blue shirt, my lone pair of women's jeans, my shoulder-length "Vera" wig with the little inward flip at the bottom, and a hoodie to keep me warm. And off I went, so excited that I was FINALLY going to be going out in public for the first time ever! I was so excited, and so full of confidence, and so ready...

And then, I saw all of the people coming in and out of the store's front door. And that quickly, any confidence that I had completely evaporated. "Oh my God, there's so many people!" I said to myself... and seeing that crowd made me feel like I was shrinking into being about two feet tall, feeling embarrassed to have even a single person looking at me. Suddenly, all of the things that I had been feeling confident about, felt like they didn't exist anymore. And suddenly all I could think about was my flaws... how my wig clearly didn't have a realistic skin part, and how people were going to be able to tell it was a wig.. how my face was still too masculine... how my back was too flat, and my shoulders too big, and how it was going to be immediately obvious to anyone who looked at me that I wasn't really a girl, and that I was just going to look stupid, and that fear absolutely consumed me, to the point that I actually started crying. "Why does this have to be so hard?" I asked myself. "Why can't I just be completely transitioned now, and not have to put up with this phase where my mind feels completely feminine and is dying to express myself, but my face and body are still too masculine, and people are going to be able to tell. This is so not fair..." And I just whined and whined, and moped and moped, and sat there having no idea what the hell I was going to do. I was seriously contemplating just giving up and going home. Because I knew, if I looked nervous, if I looked afraid, if I was constantly looking left and right at other people to see whether they were staring at me or not, people were going to pick up on that fear IMMEDIATELY, and I was going to have no chance to pass whatsoever. I had to be confident... walk in there like it was just another day in my life, like I always wear these things, like why would anyone be looking at me? I'm just a normal girl going about my daily business. That was the mindset I needed to have. And yet, every single time I even thought about stepping out of my parked car and actually going into the store, my heart just started beating like a kettle drum, and I could feel myself starting to freak out and panic.

Minutes passed, and I was still just sitting in the car, in full dress, there at the store, but still too scared to actually get out of the car. I pulled into the parking lot at 11:10. After seeing all of the people, I just sat there and waited. The next thing I knew it was 11:20. "Okay, maybe 11:30," I told myself. And the time kept slipping on by. People were getting into and out of their cars all around me, and lots of people looked at me, but never in a way that you wouldn't expect from any other random person that they were looking at. 11:30 came and went, and I still couldn't get myself to calm down or get the confidence to step outside. Then 11:45 came. I was still just sitting in the car doing nothing. And then finally, it was midnight. And finally, the parking lot was starting to clear out. And finally, I started to calm down, and started to genuinely feel like the time was nearing. After nearly just giving up and going back home like 4 straight times, but every time telling myself "NO!!! You're going to do this. TONIGHT! Otherwise you're just going to feel like crap tomorrow, wondering for one more day why you still haven't gone out in public."

And finally, at 12:03, after fifty-three straight minutes of just sitting in the car, I finally took a deep breath, and stepped into the outside world. And after all of this buildup, all of this panicking, all of these nitpicky worries where I was scared to death that various features of my appearance were going to give me away, all of the scary words about how "you're going to get clocked no matter what" going through my head and making me just feel like giving up, the trip inside of the store in "girl mode," my first ever time out in public, ended up being a complete non event. Not a single person looked at me funny for the entire 10 minutes or so that I was in the store. One person maybe looked in my direction a little longer than a normal person would, but when I turned around, they really didn't notice, and just kind of went about their business, so maybe they weren't really looking at me in the first place. One thing is for sure though. Not a single person gave me that double-take kind of look, or that crooked stare, the kind that makes it blatantly obvious that they're seeing something that looks weird and out-of-place to them. And the best part of the night was at the checkout. I've been to this same Walmart a hundred times, and worked at a Walmart myself, so I know full well how the cashiers usually greet people and talk to people and say goodbye to people. And a lot of time when there's someone that you can tell is a bit "off," there's a silence there. The cashiers won't talk to them as much, and there will be this subtle smile that they have where you can tell that they think you're funny. I didn't get that. She talked to me normally, responded to my "hellos" and "thank yous" and "don't worry about double-bagging the meat" as if she was just talking to any other normal c

ustomer, and that was that.

So that's my f

irst time out dressed. And after months of worrying, weeks of wanting to do it and yet putting it off and putting it off, and a whole day of freaking out about all of the things that were wrong with my appearance, it ended up being a complete non-event. I didn't get a single funny look, not a single person laughed at me or pointed or did that "staring" kind of double-take. And that's it.

So am I more likely to be less nervous now? HELL NO!!! I was still freaking panicking

by the time I finally made it

out of the store, and I didn't feel even one iota less nervous than I was before I went in. Am I more likely to do it again, though? You betcha. Now that the first time is out of the way, and I do know that it's not the big deal that I was making it out to be, I am definitely going to feel much more likely to start doing it more often. And you know, I'm starting to understand that this is a learning process. That I'm not going to magically feel better, and magically "get it" after one, or two, or even three times out. I'm still going to be scared out of my wits. And it is going to take a LONG time for me to start working through that fear, and starting to see myself as actually being a girl instead of a transsexual scared out of her wits afraid that every single person is staring at me. The next few times are going to be rough too. But with enough practice, enough times out, enough slow confidence built up, I'll eventually get over it. And then will be the time to part-time, and once I've gotten to that, full-time. It's probably still months and months away. Because I have a LOT of learning to do. But I really do look forward to it. It's like entering a completely new life, and having to learn everything new again from the ground up.

Here's hoping, and looking forward to the continuing saga of the real-life version of "My Life As A Girl."

-Carrie

(Side note: I did browse around the women's section for a while, but let's be honest, Walmart's clothes SUCK, so I couldn't find anything I wanted to buy. I did get a nice brownish-silver shoulder bag, though, so that should help add to my appearances in the future. That's another thing I was self-conscious about, was being the only woman in the store that didn't have a purse. Yeah... I know... that's stupid, and nobody even cares about stuff like that. But let's just be brutally honest, I have some SERIOUS self-confidence issues. And tonight only served to show me just how bad they really are. To my mind, it felt like every single set of eyes in the store were microscopes fixed on me, and every single person was going to immediately see every single one of my flaws and immediately clock me, no matter how ridiculous I know such thoughts are.)