MONTH TWO, DAY SIX:
All right, everyone, this is finally it, the big physical update that you've been waiting for.
This actually feels like a really weird entry to write. Because at the same time that the feminization has been accelerating at an alarming rate,
impatient, and wanting the changes to happen faster and faster, so oddly I really don't feel too excited about this acceleration anymore, because it's still just not fast enough for me. (I want to be a girl completely, damn it!!! I hate this constant waiting. It feels like watching paint dry. My mind REALLY has now settled into a female identity, and once again my gender dysphoria has shot through the roof, because now not even having a body with slowly-feminizing features feels like enough. I just want to be a girl and get it over with.)
Anyway, I digress. Let's just get into the actual changes.
Anyway, as I said, things have really been accelerating over the last week or so. I've been meaning to say this for many days now, but it really does feel like my body was just absolutely made for this. A lot of the changes that I've been experiencing over the last week or so, most people don't report happening until almost the 2-month mark. And I really have NOT been on estrogen for that long. I officially started taking Androcur and Finasteride 5 weeks ago at this point, , but I haven't been on estrogen for anywhere near close to that long. First of all, I didn't start taking it in the first place until 4 days into the chem-castration regiment, and second of all I was forced to take an entire week off from it due to my supply running out. So although I am on week 5 of this trial, I have really only been on estrogen for three-and-a-half weeks of that time. Let me repeat that... THREE AND A HALF WEEKS. And already I am noticing changes that most people don't report for almost TWO MONTHS. So for some reason, my body is just really taking to the stuff. It's almost like it had all of these receptors just sitting there, inactive, waiting, waiting for the right hormones to finally come into my body, before they just shot off like a complete rocket.
Anyway, let's get into the actual physical changes. I will just group them by category, and then explain what's been happening.
SKIN:
By far, the biggest change continues to be my skin texture. It started on the backs of my hands, and the backs of my legs, but now it has progressed to being all over my entire body. ALL of my skin has now softened. Everywhere that I touch, it feels so smooth and so soft and delicate, even the parts that are still prickly from razor stubble. Also, the color has lightened so that it's no longer as tan, and is creamier and whiter. And at just about every place, it is becoming more transparent. Like when my hands are cold, I can really see the blue color from the veins showing up. And when I get goosebumps, they just look HUGE compared to before because the skin is thinner and softer. Plus I have REALLY noticed this increased transparency on my face. When I'm really tired, the dark patches under my eyes show up a lot more. And when I first wake up, and the skin hasn't had a chance to relax and hydrate yet, I really look more tired. Plus when I'm embarrassed, my face actually starts turning red. (I got called out on this at work a few days ago. One of my coworkers actually pointed to me and said "look, he's blushing!" After someone had made an embarrassing joke.) And when I take my shirt off, my stomach is actually starting to resemble a girl's stomach in terms of color and smoothness. And all over, the "muscular" look that my skin had is just completely disappearing. Everything is starting to look softer and rounder and less defined. (And so that everyone can actually see this difference rather than just listening to me talk about it, HERE (
http://oi47.tinypic.com/301it69.jpg) is the most recent picture of my face that I have, just taken tod
ference when compared to THIS (
http://oi45.tinypic.com/154f0g7.jpg) picture which was taken on the very first day of this hormone trial.)
ORGASM:
Okay, I am actually glad that I waited longer than I originally planned to do this update, because until yesterday I didn't really have anything to report in the sexual-function department because I had barely touched myself in almost 2 weeks, let alone tried to reach orgasm. My sexual desire had pretty much dropped to complete zero. And the only time I did try it, I gave up after about 5 minutes. Well, yesterday I FINALLY made it to orgasm again. And it was absolutely AMAZING!!!!! It took me a LONG time, and a LOT more effort than usual to finally make it, but let me tell you, when I finally got there... OH MY GOD!!! Maybe people on chem-castration alone report that orgasms get weaker and weaker the deeper they get into it and the more their T levels drop, but I actually think that full female HRT has actually made mine even stronger. Those last 5-10 seconds right before I finally went over the edge, just WOW!!! It
of pleasure! I've only had ONE orgasm in my entire life that even comes close to comparing with this one. Usually it's just a short burst, enjoyable, but not very fulfilling, and it's really the calmness and lack of sexual desire that comes afterward that I find to be the enjoyable part. But not this time. Let me tell you, this one had me giggling like a little school girl. It was awesome! (Unfortunately, one of the problems with having softer skin is that it is MUCH easier to hurt yourself while you're doing this. About 30 seconds after the burst of pleasure started dissipating, immediately my pleasure turned to absolute pain, as I had rubbed pretty much the entire underside of my glans completely raw. OW!!!)
SEXUAL FUNCTION/DESIRE:
At this point, I am officially no longer producing sperm. After my orgasm, the liquid that came out was COMPLETELY clear. It was transparent and yellow rather than milky and white, and it just disintegrated as soon as it hit the water, rather than leaving little floating pockets of semi-solid material. (Pretty good confirmation that my hunch about my T levels finally bottoming out is indeed true.) And although I finally did make it to orgasm, let's be honest, my sex drive is still pretty much zero. Whenever I get the urge nowadays, it's usually just because I feel like doing something relaxing and pleasurable, not because I actually feel a need to do it. This is VERY liberating to me. I finally feel like I'm in control of it rather than it being in control of me. (And let's be honest, I'm still actually orgasming at the EXACT same rate as I always did... once every week or two. So I'm still doing it just as much as ever, but the difference is that now I'm doing it because I WANT to, not because I NEED to.) That emotional up-and-down that comes with the male sex drive, where you feel like crap when you haven't orgasmed in a while, and then feel a tremendous feeling of tension-relief once you finally do, that's just completely not there anymore. This time, even though it had been almost 2 weeks, I felt really happy before I did it, and even happier once I finally had done it. But my baseline of "tension" and "need" did not change whatsoever. It really is a completely different sexual-response cycle, and I LOVE IT!!! Also, as of this week, I officially have no more spontaneous erections... ever. By the time I finally got enough of an erection to reach orgasm yesterday, leading up to that I had not had a SINGLE erection in FOUR DAYS. It was four straight days of being completely limp. (Totally awesome!!!)
BODY HAIR:
This is REALLY suddenly starting to take off. Just tonight, I was looking down at my legs, and suddenly I noticed that there were a lot of patches near the top where there was NO dark hair left. All of the hair in these small little patches that are scattered all over my legs, arms, and stomach, is turning back into the little tiny transparent blond vellous hairs... the same way that they used to be when I was a kid. And this is just accelerating at an absolutely alarming rate, such that now at least 20% or so of my normal dark hair coverage has started transforming back into these tiny blond vellous hairs. They're just everywhere, and I'm noticing them in more and more places every single time that I look.
HEAD HAIR:
It's official, WE HAVE REGROWTH!!! Every day that I've been looking in the mirror, more and more little hairs are starting to pop up in the backs of the zones where my hair has been receding for the last 10 years. And they're not all just little blond baby-hairs either, there are actually several normal dark-colored hairs, maybe a few millimeters long, that are starting to show up too. (BOTH of these things, both the body hair and the head hair, are just making me SO happy. You guys don't know just how long I've been wishing for this.) And as one other interesting change that's happened to my head hair within the last week, suddenly I've noticed that it's not as oily as it always was. I used to have to wash my hair every single day, otherwise by the end of the day it would look clingy and clumpy and thin because of the oiliness. But now, my hair actually looks better if I don't wash it every day. (In the new facial picture from above, I actually hadn't washed it in three days, and it actually looked better than the old pictures where I washed it every day.) On days two and three, a simple wet-down and then a nice brushing is all it takes. And it actually looks shinier than before, and feels a lot softer, and I just love the way that it's starting to look.
WEIGHT:
Man, this has just been absolutely remarkable too. The diet is working wonders! When I got back to Ohio after my friend Sean's wedding, 3 days before I officially started on chem-castration pills, I weighed in at 270 lbs. That was when I decided that it was time for a change. And that if I really was going to go on female hormones, I had to do something about all of this extra weight, otherwise I would never look good. Well, now it's a month and one week later, and I have lost NINETEEN POUNDS, even despite the obvious drop in metabolism. (My latest weight reading was 251 lbs even.) And here are my updated body composition numbers to go with it, along with the comparable numbers from the first time that I took them, 6 days into this trial, exactly one month ago:
Weight: 251.0 lbs [-10.8 lbs. Initial weight was 261.8 lbs.]
Fat: 35.9% [-10.16 lbs. Initial body-fat percentage was 38.3%.]
Water: 41.3% [-4.46 lbs]
Muscle: 37.6% [-3.27 lbs. Initial muscle percentage was 37.3%.]
Bone: 8.6% [Unchanged. Initial bone percentage was 8.5%.]
BODY SHAPE:
I've already reported that my stomach and lower abdomen looks REALLY feminine thanks to the softer, lighter, less-muscular skin. Well, it also looks more feminine thanks to the absolutely AMAZING changes in body shape that have been going on. First of all, here are my official measurement numbers. And over the last week, they have just gone absolutely nuts! My overbust measurement especially has shrunk by an unfathomable amount within the last week. It's lost almost a full inch since my last update. All of the bulk in my upper body and midsection is just melting away, and being replaced by a beautiful feminine shape. And this was the part that I've always been the most aggravated about in terms of masculine appearance, so this is just AWESOME!!! Anyway, here are my measurements:
Hips: 45" [-0.5 in. My initial measurement was 45.5"]
Waist: 38" [-2.0 in. My initial measurement was 40.0"]
Underbust: 39" [-3.0 in. THREE INCHES! My initial measurement was 42"]
Bust: 44.5" [-0.5 in. My initial measurement was 45". (most of this measurement is due to back fat in that area, though, not boobs. By this bust measurement, the internet says that I should be a "D" cup, but that is just totally ridiculous. I'm still just barely able to fill a B.)]
Overbust: 40.5" [-2.5 in. My initial measurement was 43". And again, just a week ago this was 41.5", so it has suddenly started shrinking at an unbelievably fast rate.]
And finally, here are a couple of pictures to actually show these changes. HERE (
http://i46.tinypic.com/34pgepu.jpg) is a side-view picture from the very first day of this tria
muscular lumbering (UGLY!) shape of everything. And HERE (
http://i50.tinypic.com/2dbqtrc.jpg) is a side-view picture taken tonight. As you can see, my midsection is just disappearing, and my whole body looks less bulky and muscular.
BOOBS:
Yeah, I am officially about ready to officially start calling what I have "boobs" now. Because as of about three days ago, my nipples have really started to look, feel, and behave, almost exactly like female nipples. Male nipples are soft all over. Even when they get hard due to coldness, you can just feel that there is no actual structure behind them, and that there's nothing but fat tissue there. Female nipples, on the other hand, even when they're soft, you can feel that there's some solid mass down there under them... glands, and a little hard spot that never goes away. Well, it's now gotten to the point that my nipples feel like female nipples. Even when they are soft, I can still feel a pretty significant little hard spot down there. And the areola too is starting to feel VERY female. The texture of it has softened and stretched out, and I can feel a little tiny soft-pillow kind of flesh beginning to start down under there, the very beginnings of fatty breast tissue. And also, now almost as soon as I touch my nipples, they instantly get hard, and the nipple gets erect. And that nipple tissue feels MUCH bigger and harder than it ever was before. In fact, it's getting to the point that I can't wear plain white t-shirts by themselves anymore, because the nipples show through, and you can see the little bulges from a mile away. And man, OW, they hurt! I can barely touch the things without some pronounced soreness, and two nights ago when I accidentally hit myself in the chest with one of my fast arm-motions where I wasn't paying attention, I actually screamed "OW!!!" And they perpetually feel sore and tender now. So yeah, they are REALLY starting to develop fast.
SLEEP PATTERNS:
I have become a MUCH lighter sleeper. That is just a fact of my new life. My roommate wakes up for work at around 7:00 every morning, and for the last week straight, even though I've officially moved into my own room now, her morning scurrying about has never failed to wake me up too. A few days ago, I could just hear her opening and closing doors through the entire house for a good half-hour straight, and whistling to herself, and I really just wanted to scream "KNOCK IT OFF!" Because it was keeping me awake. And this is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE, HUGE (did I mention huge?) change for me. I used to sleep through my own alarm clock all the time. Hell, even on full blast, sometimes less than a foot from my sleeping ears, it STILL did not wake me up, even at times as late as 2:00 in the afternoon. Hell, I slept through a tornado once for crying out loud, as our garage was being ripped from the side of the house a mere foot on the other side of the wall next to my head! And yet I still slept through it! And now, something as stupid as a whistling roommate from the next room over, with my door closed completely, is waking me up at 7:00 in the morning. It's absolutely UNBELIEVABLE!!! (I have wished that I could just have a normal sleep schedule FOREVER now! And now I do!)
"SHRINKAGE":
Just saying, now whenever I put my panties on in the morning, the little guy actually shrinks up and goes completely inside of me with the slightest little inkling of pressure from the panties. When I look down now, more often than not, there's barely even a bulge there anymore. Testes have also been shrinking quite rapidly. They're feeling like these tiny little things trapped in a huge loose swimming pool of loose skin recently. They're really undersized now for all of the skin that's still there.
BATHROOM VISITS:
I REALLY have to pee a lot recently. The amount of times that I've been going to the bathroom in any given day has gone up by at least 50%, and honestly feels to me like it has almost doubled. And I really don't know why. Maybe my bladder is shrinking? Maybe it has to do with the Dutasteride's effect on the prostate somehow? I don't know. All I know is that it seems like I'm running to the bathroom to pee like every single hour. (Help me, I'm turning into my mom... :p)
MISCELLANEOUS:
I'll update this post with anything else that I forgot in case I remember anything.
Before I call it quits on this entry, though, I really need to mention, most of these physical changes, you really do NOT notice unless you are paying really close attention. For the most part, they do not feel like invasive changes, changes that affect your life and the way you think and feel and act, in any way whatsoever. They feel completely natural. And unless you are really thinking "hmm, is this different than it was before," you probably wouldn't really notice most of them. (Except the boobs. Those are REALLY obvious.) And honestly, if you are spending your entire day sitting and waiting on all of these physical changes to happen, they are GRATINGLY slow. It's absolutely exhausting to be constantly thinking about these things, waiting for some sign that things are changing, and freaking out when they're not happening fast enough. (I have been doing this NONSTOP for the last month, and I am COMPLETELY mentally spent right now.)
Phew. So that is EVERYTHING that has been happening so far, and especially everything that's happened within the last week.
And with that said, I am DONE with this daily-entry thing for a while. This evening, I was running around in circles like a chicken with my head cut off, feeling completely insane as I went through this random period where I was getting completely worked up about my lack of being able to pass, and frustration with how long it is still going to take, and just feeling like a total hypochondriac. It felt like my transition was consuming my entire life all of a sudden, and every single little detail of the physical changes was making me feel depressed about how it wasn't feminine enough yet, even though it's again been really accelerating over the last week, and I should really be feeling much more excited about the things that have happened already rather than freaking out about all of the things that have not happened already.
So I've realized something. I need a break. I have not had a life AT ALL since I started considering this hormone trial in the middle of December, and I seriously have not thought of ANYTHING else ever since. For the last month and a half straight, I have just been completely consumed by this gender transition. And you know what? Tonight, I've realized something. I'm burned out. At first it was a necessary thing because I really needed to discover my true gender identity. But now that that period is over, and I know who I am, (a girl,) now it has just become absolutely torturous to continue to obsess over this so much. Every single day that I don't see big progress feels like a let-down, and even then I'm still constantly feeling uptight about how slowly everything's going, and anxious about my lack of ability to pass, praying for the day when I can, but it feels so far away that I can't stand it.
So, yeah. As of tonight, I had decided that the best thing for me to do is take a break from thinking about this gender transition so much. I'm still ABSOLUTELY going to do it, and it's still by far the thing in my life that I'm looking forward to the most, but it's time to step back, breathe, resume my normal life, and let the changes come when they feel like coming rather than being so ridiculously uptight and diligent about observing it.
So this is the official end of my daily entries. I will NOT be posting an entry tomorrow. This has been a great month, I hope you all have enjoyed hearing about these little updates every single day, but for the sake of my own sanity, I have to quit doing daily entries. As of now, I no longer feel the need, and as such will only plan on posting maybe a couple times a week or so.
I'll see you all then!
Thank you all SO MUCH for reading all this time. I will be back, and I will keep posting updates, just not every single day.
Love ya!
-Carrie
（´∀｀）ノ♡
