Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

You said earlier that you saw high school girls as happier and with more life about them than their boy counterparts. I disagree a little as I think puberty leads to similar depression on both sides of the gender divide.

And reading some of page 3, you are NOT a coward. Many people will be offended and angry (all illogically) at what you want to do and are doing. I would be VERY scared.

Maybe we can create an estrogen pipe and all smoke that.

Peace

[foxytaur (imported)]

You said earlier that you saw high school girls as happier and with more life about them than their boy counterparts. I disagree a little as I think puberty leads to similar depression on both sides of the gender divide.

And reading some of page 3, you are NOT a coward. Many people will be offended and angry (all illogically) at what you want to do and are doing. I would be VERY scared.

Maybe we can create an estrogen pipe and all smoke that.

Peace

Many girls I know I went to highschool with were pretty ditzy, dimwitted and fell for the douchebag charm of asshole men luring them into their hyper macho bullshit trap.

I guess a "trap" can go 3 ways.

Men ----> watch out for the manipulative snakes out there(the one's who'd be capable of poisioning you in your sleep if the relationship really bites the dust.(I saw a documentary a few yrs ago and death by poison,usually cyanide or some duiretic med seems to be the preffered method of assasination females take to rid of their hubby's but wow you'd have to be really cold like malifacent from sleeping beauty. I'm living with my mom who i best metaphorically compare her to cinderellas stepmother:()

Females-----> You know what to do if you hubby cheats on you. Males cringe at the thought of a Lorena Bobbbit scenario

Trans folk-----> I think one's pretty obvious, know your partner before being honest about your origins. I tend to find females or males on the very end of the binary spectrum to be unsympathetic to our cause.(My assumption, not always the case kk) Its why I joined a very open furry subculture that really doesnt give a shit about standards .

In any case when my it's my time to transition im moving to ontario, LBGT scene is huge there

If you guys have other predicament "trap" scenarios, plz share them hehe

NB = Im having a laugh K guys, in no way am I being serious ^ ^

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

your whole "Carrie" mood thing (was never much of a Sex In The City fan, but know who you're referring to)

EWW!!!! NO!!! That is totally NOT what I was talking about! I HATE the character of Carrie Bradshaw. (If you ask me, she's completely self-righteous, stuck-up, entitled, spoiled rotten, and a number of other titles that I'd rather not repeat on this board.) [apologies to Sex & the City fans... no offense to you personally, but I really personally can't stand the character.] The "Carrie mood" that I'm talking about is actually based on what I consider to be my alternate female persona. She's been around since high school or so, and is basically just how I imagine I'd ideally want to feel if I were a girl... happy, bubbly, silly, spontaneous, and really taking joy in life. And the name "Carrie" just comes from being a female version of my own name, "Charlie," that I like. I really don't like the other typical female versions of Charlie like "Cheryl" and "Carly" and "Charlotte" and the like... so it's just because I like the name. It has nothing to do with a certain star of a popular HBO show, or with a certain girl who goes on a mass telekinetic killing spree in a 1976 movie. I'm honestly not a fan of either, and REALLY not looking forward to having people compare me to those two if I really do go for a full gender transition and adopt that name.

Side Note: I am not sure if it is possible to be 100% happy; I mean as in happy all the time, so please don't have this as some sort of expectation. I think that we should aspire to more happiness than sadness most definitely, and to have those happy moments be of a higher level of happiness, but permanent happiness is probably something to be drempt rather than realised. Besides, we wouldn't appreciate the happiness if we never had any sadness, would we?

Well, I'm definitely not 100% happy all the time. Even in the context of this trial. I have had several days where I've just felt like crap, and life's worries have gotten the better of me, and I've gotten into these self-defeating mindsets where I'm just constantly stewing over how it's impossible, and getting bogged down by various life issues. And I know this is always going to happen, no matter what gender I am, so yeah, it's not a big deal. The big change has been that my default state of existence is now happiness instead of melancholy. I'm able to appreciate the happy moments in life MUCH more than I used to, and i

t feels like a 2-ton boulder has been lifted off

of me, so that I can finally feel free, and finally feel like I actually like myself. Those things were completely missing from my life before, and I really wasn't happy

as a default state, I was just slogging through life day by day and trying to put up with it. So no, I am not 100% happy all the time, but my default state has indeed become much happier.

You said earlier that you saw hi

gh school girls as happier and with more life about them than their boy counterparts. I disagree a little as I think puberty leads to similar depression on both sides of the gender divide.

I stick behind what I said. I'm serious. At school dances, and at pep rallies, and every single time I saw a group of girls together, they ALWAYS looked like they were having more fun than the guys, who were constantly acting "too cool for this." The girls smiled more, their body gestures were happier, (like running up to their friends and giving them hugs instead of just the stupid dude greeting of "hey...." "hey...") and in general they just seemed to be getting more out of life, enjoying the joyful moments much more. Their friendships were closer, they just seemed more alert and awake, and I saw this with almost EVERY girl in my entire high school. No, I do not believe that they themselves are consciously aware of this, though. Because when your default state of existence is happier, you don't notice that it's happier because you've never known any other default state, and as such your baseline of comparison is much different. But I have indeed always noticed this. (And there is scientific research to back this up... female brains naturally have higher serotonin levels than male brains, and there is actually a "happiness gene," the MAOA gene, which helps the brain process pleasure chemicals, that is found in both males and females, but only has an effect in women.) So yes, I really do believe that, given the exact same life circumstances to work with, women are happier than men. (Again, given the EXACT same life circumstances... there are a TON of reports of maternal depression because of all the stress that mothers are constantly under because they have to manage both their career and their kids with pretty much no breaks whatsoever.) And I do also definitely believe that women have lower lows than men do. I've seen this ALL over the place as well. Women are more likely to get stuck in self-defeating mindsets where they're just constantly feeling like things are hopeless, and unlike men they can't just retreat into the "cave" and ignore the thing that's bothering them, it just sticks with them and their brain won't shut up. I've seen this with SO many girls in my life, where things just seem to get to them more, and they blame themselves, and they start suddenly worrying about every little thing that could possibly go wrong, no matter how ridiculous, and it snowballs out of control until they are feeling completely depressed. Men really don't get this, they tend to respond to pain and stress with anger, or avoidance. (Also, women are under a lot more social pressure to be perfect, and to make everyone around them happy, so that adds to the feminine depression thing, but again, I'm mainly talki

ng about them getting more out of the happy moments in life.)

Have you always written like this, or more so since you have become happy? You seem to have rarely

been happy during the first twenty seven years of your life.

Don't get me wrong, I did have moments where I was really happy during the rest of the 15 years of my adult life, but I was never HAPPY!!! Beneath the happiness back then, there was always this lingering sense of not liking myself, and just feeling like I was missing something. While now I can feel happy plus have all of that weight lifted off of me, so it really does feel like I'm experiencing true happiness for the first time. And yes, my writing style has gotten MUCH more bubbly and open and honest since I started this trial. It's an extension of my femininity. I noticed this whenever I went onto internet chat rooms as a girl, that suddenly this new personality seemed to come out of me... one that was bubbly, and excited, and liked using cute emoticons, and not afraid to have a LOT of emotional displays to reflect how I was feeling on the inside. It always came out of me whenever I was feeling feminine. And it is this exact mood, this exact style of writing, that I call the "Carrie mood." Because although it was always down there, and always made me feel good and feel "right" inside, it only ever came out of me when I was logged onto the internet under the alias of Carrie. So now that I'm finally embracing my femininity here, that mood and that writing style are once again coming to the forefront. (And actually becoming a part of my REAL life!!! YAY!!!)

Oh, yes, and thank you very much for your very kind words. It's amazing to know that even when I'm going on 3-page rants about the changes that are happening, and all of the stupid little details that I really have no business reporting on this forum, that someone out there actually is indeed reading them, and doesn't think that they're just pointless ramblings.

Thanks!

(Man, this ended up being a long reply... but like I said earlier, I never know when to shut up. :p)

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

TWENTY-ONE:

Well, I have a couple of quick things to talk about today.

First of all, I had another of those unfathomably-happy moments today, where I just felt so overwhelmed with happiness inside of me that I felt like crying. And it happened for a new reason today, so let's talk about it!

For the last 5 days or so, I have been consistently reporting about how happy my slightly-feminized face is making me... how I feel like my smile is brighter, and I look more awake and alert and open rather than in constant-scowl mode. Well today this facial difference led me to start noticing something else... all of a sudden, people are starting to treat me differently. More random people are saying "hi" to me. People are actually looking at me and smiling rather than immediately turning their heads away and pretending they didn't notice me. People are cracking more jokes around me. People are TALKING to me. And I just can't believe it!!!

For some perspective, one of the things that I've always HATED about being a big guy is that I always looked like a tough guy... I looked stoic, and I look like I didn't want to be bothered, and a bunch of people always came up to me and said "at least look a little happy" while I had what I thought was just a very neutral expression on my face. And this caused me so much personal agony. This appearance was about as counter to my personality as you can possibly imagine. Because I'm not tough, and I'm not stoic, and I don't want to just be left alone. I want to be cute, and I want to make people laugh, and I want to be nice, and I have always loathed the fact that my face in real life didn't reflect this, and that people always assumed things about me that were so far from true that they could never possibly imagine.

But now it's st

arting to change!!! (here's my d

aily requirement of "YAY!!!") For the first time since I was about 12 or 13 years old, I'm starting to look cute again! My eyes are open! I have a cute smile again! I actually look approachable, and people are FINALLY starting to crack jokes around me again, and talk to me again, and say "hi" when they walk by, and treat me like a nice person instead of a stoic emotionally-brain-dead one. I have been wishing for this for so long, and now it's finally starting to turn in the direction that I've wanted it to for so long. I feel like a human being again. And I finally feel like people are treating me in a way that is starting to match my internal personality. Realizing these things was such a moment of absolute hope and joy for me, I had a hard time containing myself. I once again almost broke out crying, tears of complete and utter happiness, several times while I was at work today. And I NEVER felt this kind of feeling before. And yet as the feminization is happening more and more, it's becoming more and more common. I LOVE my new self so much...

And yet, now we arrive at the second thing for the day, which unfortunately gave me a heavy dose of reality.

My wigs arrived today. And fo

r the past few days, I had been

getting really excited about them, building up a lot of grandiose ideas in my head about how maybe my face was getting feminine enough that the only thing stopping me from having an official "girl mode" was a beautiful head of hair... and I was so excited about the prospect of maybe being able to pass already, maybe that once they arrived I'd look good enough to go out in public as a girl. Well, they came today. And what a fool I was.

It's really easy to see the feminine features in my face when I have a masculine haircut. The masculinity of my haircut means that the parts of my face which are indeed feminine are the ones that are highlighted. Because compared to the average guy, I definitely look a bit more feminine in the face now. But suddenly when I tried on a feminine hairdo, the femininity of the hair had the exact opposite effect... now what was highlighted in my face was all of the masculine features. My nose seemed to stick out way more, and my eyebrows looked like absolute triangles. And my shoulders looked so grossly out-of-proportion. To say the least, I didn't look even remotely feminine. I just looked like a guy in a wig. I looked like one of those rock-and-roll guys with long hair. So that brought me back down to earth REALLY quickly, and reminded me just how far I still have to go.

No, I'm not in a freak-out mode where I'm getting down on myself and feeling like "it's all been in vain" or something, but it definitely was a big bummer. It means that I likely still have months to go

before I'll really start looking feminine enough to

look good with long hair... sigh... so unfair. I want to look cute, damn it!!!

Anyway, that's all for today. I'm still really happy, but I'm also really bummed about the wig thing. Some day. Some day........

(Side note: still absolutely no word on the HRT shipment. So as of tonight, regrettably, I'm out of estrogen completely, and I'm going to have to cut my androcur dosage by 50% to make sure that it lasts long enough to wait out the shipment. Sigh... bummer, man...)

EDIT: Hmm, maybe I was a bit too down on myself about the wigs when I first tried them. They're starting to grow on me, and I was actually able to find a couple of hair configurations that made me look at least mildly feminine after playing around with them for a while. I'm actually shocked, a ponytail configuration that pretty much reveals my entire face, which goes against absolutely EVERY piece of advice that transgender support sites give, actually makes my face look more feminine than the typical cheek-covering-shoulder-length hair-with-wispy-bangs look that just about all of them advised. Well, this makes no freaking sense...

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

"I never know when to shut up."

Well that makes two of us

Rather on the whole Carrie thingy! But still, I like your response to it (even if hate is often too strong a negative word). And I think that you seem to be in Carrie most of the time in 2013, since you seem regularly, "

happy, bubbly, silly, spontaneous, and really taking joy in life

" - or at least this is how your writing in this thread comes across.

I understand what you mean by your default state of existence being happiness, whereas it wasn't before. I would say that for a lot of the past seven years my default state has been happiness, whereas before I guess it was sadness, but without realising it. I called it being in deathing mode, like being a zombie.

You make some good points about the happiness of girls that I hadn't thought about: like the greeting with a hug. Guys can't/don't do that, and I suppose that is a bit of a shame. So in this way they are definitely outwardly happier, but that doesn't always reflect on the inward emotion. Yet I was thinking this morning, that guys commit suicide a lot more than girls. I think that is correct? So that could be another topic to support your argument.

Their friendships are certainly closer in the sense that they can be each others confidants, which rarely happens with boys. But on the otherhand a friendship for a girl is more likely to end over a once off incident of negativity, whereas boys can be more willing to let bygones be bygones so to speak. But it can of course depend on the individual. Some girls are more like stereotypical boys, and vice versa.

That's amazing that this MAOA gene only has an effect on women, and contributes to happiness. Also, could men take serotonin to make them happier? I think it's interesting what has happened with you too with the estrogen patches. Do you think that increasing estrogen would naturally increase a mans happiness, or have you just felt happier because you know that you are becoming more of the real you?

It's intersting what you say about a woman's life being more of a happiness-sadness see-saw than a mans. And I thought mine was bad enough sometimes!

"and liked using cute emoticons" - Yay!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

That's amazing that this MAOA gene only has an effect on women, and contributes to happiness. Also, could men take serotonin to make them happier? Do you think that increasing estrogen would naturally increase a mans happiness, or have you just felt happier because you know that you are becoming more of the real you?

No, I do not believe that taking estrogen would make every single guy happier, nor necessarily would taking serotonin for that matter. Because a big portion of how effective serotonin is, depends on how the brain is able to process it. The MAOA gene allows the brain to process more serotonin, while the male brain cannot process it as quickly because this MAOA gene (and a bunch of others that still have yet to be studied... this is REALLY new research,) is not active, and as such the male brain tends to stockpile extra serotonin rather than being able to go through it as quickly. This slower burn leads the body to feel less pleasure from things, because the level of pleasure hormones that can be processed at a time is much less. (Side note: not everyone has the MAOA gene, by the way. It it tied to the X chromosome, and only about 36% of X-chromosomes have it. So as such, only about 59% of women and 36% of men have this gene at all. (And a lucky 13% of women have two... and that group was reported to be IMMENSELY happier than everyone else,) while the 41% of women that don't have any copies of this gene reported WAY higher levels of depression and anxiety.) So, yeah. There are a number of different factors that might bring about shifts in happiness, with this "happiness gene" being only one of them.

Now, from my personal experience, SOMETHING in my brain clicked when it went on estrogen for the first time. And no, it had nothing to do with the mood that I was in, it was definitely a chemical response. All of a sudden, things that I had always found pleasurable, like music and food and comedy, suddenly just felt absolutely AMAZING!!! As in, although they still tasted and sounded exactly the same as before, suddenly there was just a greater pleasure response to them in my brain. And I did not experience this until the estrogen kicked in. So SOMETHING about estrogen suddenly made my brain able to process greater amounts of pleasure chemicals rather than stockpiling them and processing them slowly like my male brain always did. I don't know what. Maybe it was the MAOA gene being activated by estrogen for the first time, maybe it was some other thing that hasn't been discovered yet that is activated by estrogen, I don't know. There have been scientific studies, completely separate from the MAOA thing, that have shown that estrogen increases the brain's ability to bind with serotonin, and increases serotonin receptors. But I do suspect that this is very much a "your mileage may vary" thing, due to the vastly different collection of genes that people around the world have. For me, though, something definitely clicked on that very first night that I was on estrogen... I don't know what it is. All I know, is that I had NEVER experienced that degree of pleasure before in my entire life, even during what I previously thought were my absolute happiest moments. And this unfathomable emotional high was only from two stupid little everyday things... listening to music and eating dinner. So yeah, something definitely clicked that night once the estrogen was added to the mix, which increased my ability to feel pleasure.

Also, another reason why I don't think taking estrogen would make every guy happier, is that, like it or not, eventually it will turn you into a woman. And there are some transsexual hormone experts who actually don't even prescribe anti-androgens for their patients because eventually the estrogen begins to take over all by itself, and shuts out the body's natural ability to make and process testosterone. So eventually, all of the effects of anti-androgens and the full range of transsexual hormones begin to manifest themselves when a male takes estrogen... boobs, feminine body shapes, body hair reduction, skin texture changes, fat redistribution, eventual sterility, and libido reduction. So there is no way that every guy would be happier taking estrogen. I myself want all of these changes, and as such they are making me happy as they're slowly starting to appear. But these same changes would not make most guys happy, they would make them absolutely miserable. You want to talk about gender dysphoria? I felt it as a guy, and now this is the first time that it's starting to really get better. Wheras for a normal guy, it would rip them apart. Suddenly they would be experiencing gender dysphoria for the first time, and it would destroy a lot of people. Everything that they knew about themselves, and everything that they like about themselves, would suddenly start changing. Sure maybe they would feel happier for a week or so, but then they'd possibly be miserable for the rest of their lives as the feminization started.

[foxytaur (imported)]

low spiro or none at all (doubtful) is a goal for myself + low estrogen or medium end estrogen.

Im fearful of those blood clots if anything else actually that I keep reading mtf have when on very high estrogen doses.

I dont think testosterone completely shuts down but they def do get reduced to very very low levels. The only way out cheetaking is a castration

NB = The spiro contains very high potasium levels and am aware that it serves as a duiretic.

Well, Goodbye Avocados and bananas hehe.....Or I'll have to seldomly eat them now.

There are definetly foods im gonna have to give up, im still researching which ones to avoid

NB = Ended up taking Zinc supplements(20mg) and they are known to increase male libido cuz thats their function however today it decresed it and smoothed out some pores I had on my face....just weird.

The only thing im avoiding are the simple carbs entirely, very strict about it and saturated fatsfound in red meats and pork. It is well known that saturated cholesterol + simple sugar carbs increase T.

The way I see it. All other vitamins assist in either E or T. But the saturated fats and simple carbs are the worst primarily controlling T production

Most body builders take them to rapidly raise their T while weightlifting.

And muscle growth aka heavy muscularity isnt possible without red meat and animmal saturated fat.

I do exercise but very very seldomly(due to cellular senescense but I do do it 2 or 3 times weekly for 45-50 only, I aint lazy btw just dont need a high caloric intake). Prefering instead to eat less as do the french.(i try but its a very hard goal bc you dont want to go anorexic)

The supplements I take are crucial for remnant nutrients often neglected by the body when eating foods.

And im very moderate about taking them(i follow the labels)

I have 2 more supplemnts I want to try out a tad bit laters. Ubiquonol and tocotrienols.(X6 times more powerful than vitamin E ^ ^)

Im doing all I can cheetaking to slow down my biological clock to get best results for E.

Its an obsession everyday to conserve energy like a sloth though i pinkyswear to prevent my obsession to age less from getting the best of me. That is from going insane -----> demented

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE REPLACEMENT LOG, DAY

TWENTY-TWO:

All right, everyone, what time is it? Time for a big WOO HOO!!! Because today is my official 3-week anniversary since starting this trial. Time to do a little celebration dance! Yay!!! ┗（.^∇^)┓♪♪

Sadly, it also a bit of a bittersweet anniversary, because shipment #2 of HRT STILL has not arrived, and there has still been no update whatsoever from the postal service tracking system. So unfortunately, as of today, I'm officially completely out of estrogen. I've had both of the final batch of patches on for the full week now, and as such it's likely that I'm pretty much getting no more E in my system anymore. And it might be several more days, possibly up to another whole week, before one of the two shipments arrive and I can get back toward the path of feminization. Big bummer, but oh well.

I've been thinking, perhaps this delay was set up by divine influence... as a way to say "all right, now you're going to be off of estrogen for a few days. This is the time that you really need to stop and think about whether you really do want to continue or not."

I really do feel like I'm at a big turning point. Up until now, all of the feminizing effects have been minor. Very slight facial changes. Slight body-proportion changes. Slight breast budding. Enough to give me a taste of what is to come if I stay on estrogen. But about two days ago, I got a big physical sign that things are about to get serious... my breasts started feeling sore. As in, not like a constant lingering pain or anything, but a feeling of tenderness. I can't really press on them anymore without it hurting. There's kind of this "perpetual bruise" kind of feeling where there's a definite soreness whenever I touch them. And to accompany this, there has been a definite increase in nipple size. So that means things are about to get serious. And also, a few days ago, I stumbled onto the following video from a transitioning person who decided to stop HRT because things went a bit too far, and she started feeling like she was just happy being more androgynous, and that maybe becoming a woman completely wasn't for her. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiQajITdNiQ) [side note: she picked it back up later, so it ended up being a temporary stoppage only, but it did still get me thinking.]

So that's what I've been thinking about today. I really stopped to think, knowing that the next HRT shipment contains MUCH more supplies than the first... enough for a full 3 months. So if I do go on it, I'm pretty much committing myself to a degree of feminization that would go above and beyond anything that's happening now. There would likely be several irreversible changes that will never go away even if I decide to go back to being a guy. So let's be honest, it's a really big moment that I'm facing here. I feel like now is the time to decide. I didn't really press this decision on myself, though, I rather figured that I'd just take it easy, be calm for a while, and see how I felt about it after just going about a normal day of activities and not really worrying about it.

The first thing that started to really give me a sense of direction was when I randomly stumbled upon a news story about Lana Wachowski (formerly Larry Wachowski, co-director of the Matrix film series.) I was a big fan of that film series back in college, and watched pretty much every single minute of the DVD commentary, so I'm quite familiar with the way that Larry Wachowski used to talk and act. And you know, he was a bit of a shy guy back in the day. There was something about his mannerisms that were very familiar to me... they were a bit reserved, a bit introverted and held back, in a way that made it evident that he wasn't completely comfortable. And then I started looking at pictures of him post-transition, officially embracing his female identity as Lana, and God, what a difference. She looked happy, open, smiling and giving hugs to people, and confident. Man, did this ever hit home for me. I've been feeling exactly the same way over the last few days... like there's just something about me that's really not "alive" when I'm in boy mode... something reserved, something uncomfortable. And I REALLY recognize the free-expression feminine mood, where all of this happiness and comfort and sense of self comes out of you that you just don't have in you otherwise. I recognize that same feeling every single time I start feeling feminine. It feels like I'm finally able to be myself.

And that brings us to the other thing that really convinced me. Let's talk about clothing, and let's talk about my new wigs. Yesterday, I tried the wigs on, and I was a bit disappointed that they didn't make me look feminine enough. But they have REALLY grown on me over the last day. Today I pretty much had them on for the entire day. And let's be honest, no, they really do not look that great. Mainly because my upper body is still so masculine that the shoulder and arm shape really offset any kind of femininity that the wigs provide. By all means of physical appearance, I should hate the wigs. And yet, strangely, I have found that I don't. I LOVE them. It's not about the way that I look in them, it's about the way that I FEEL in them. Something about having long, radiant hair just feels SO right! It feels like this is the hair that I was meant to have from day one. There's just something about it coming down in my face when I bend over, and something about brushing it back, and running my hands through it, and pushing it around all over the place to try and make myself look better, that feels so absolutely amazing. The same can be said for the rest of my feminine clothes. I really do not look good in them yet. But they just FEEL so right! When I'm wearing my wig, and dressing in feminine clothes, I feel such a sense of inner happiness, and such a sense of correctness, that this is what it should have been like for my entire life, that it's like an absolute revelation.

Lots of transsexuals report that they don't really consider cross-dressing as actual cross-dressing, because they feel like those are the clothes that they should be wearing in the first place. I almost NEVER cross-dressed before this, because I was always too scared of the judgmental glances of others, and of being caught, so I pretty much never did it. But let me tell you, tonight I finally know EXACTLY what they are talking about. After a whole day of being in a wig and a feminine t-shirt, Jenny came home and I dressed back in my so-called "normal" clothes so that I could go shopping. And... God... dressing back in those clothes just felt SO wrong. Putting on normal baggy guy-jeans felt completely wrong. It felt like I should be wearing the feminine jeans that hug my butt and thighs. And taking the wig off, and going back to just having short hair again, God, it actually felt weird. It felt like I wasn't myself anymore. So now that I have finally cross-dressed

for the first time in my life

for an extended period, I know exactly what other transsexuals say about it. It really doesn't feel like cross-dressing. It feels like those are the clothes that I should be wearing all the time, and that hair is the hair that I should have all the time. And shockingly, tonight for the first time I didn't feel cowardly about doing girly things around Jenny. Once I was back from the store, I ended up putting the wig right back on. And I still have it on. It just feels so "right" to me, and I love the way it looks even though it doesn't really make me look feminine. But again, there's just this FEEL to the whole thing, something that feels so right about it. And I suspect that I am going to spend a LONG time wearing this wig from now on.

The last thing that really got me thinking today, was when I stepped in front of the mirror and really started looking at myself, asking myself whether I really did like all of the feminization. And that didn't take long to answer. EVERY part of myself that I still don't like is the masculine parts. My big upper body, mainly my back, chest, and shoulders, are my biggest opponent right now. I still HATE them, and they are what's keeping me from looking feminine in every single feminine outfit that I have tried. And every single part of myself that I like the most... my legs, my hands, my newly-budding boobies, and the increasingly-feminine contour of my waist and hips, are the parts that are the most feminine. And when I was really thinking about it, after looking at post-transition girls like Lana Wachowski, and TONS of Youtube videos, I really do want to look like them. And the whole wig thing, where even though I don't look good but I FEEL so good, has now really convinced me that I was meant to be a girl. I really feel like that's the case. And unlike before, I really don't care about how I look anymore. That's just a bonus. What matters is how I feel... that I finally feel like I'm being myself, and that I finally have a sense that I am actually happy with myself, and enjoying the self that I present to the world. THAT is what matters. It's not about just looking like a girl, it's about BEING a girl. And it's worth fighting for. Yes, I do want boobs. Yes, I do want smooth skin. Yes, I do want feminine shoulders and arms and legs and want my entire body to look as if it is that of a girl. That is what would finally make me comfortable, and finally make me feel like I'm myself.

So that's my update. I have stopped to seriously consider whether I am or am not going to go for it all once the shipment of HRT supplies arrived, and now I'm more convinced than ever that this is a permanent change. As of now, the plan is definitely to continue with the treatment until my body is completely 100% female.

So that's it. I still feel absolutely AMAZING, despite the lack of estrogen. It will come in due time, and I eagerly await all of the permanent changes that will be coming with it.

-With lots of love and hope and excitement looking ahead!

[foxytaur (imported)]

blue pill - wake up in your bed and return to your normal T self.

red pill - you see how far the rabbit hole goes with E

Take the red pill cheetaking, You know it's calling you tehelaugh:

I noticed the person detransitioning in youtube link didnt really give it much thought on a genderqueer identity. Again the bias to either be fully male or female but the inbetween region is something that still needs more documentation in WPATH.

dunno but I still think(my opinion) that this person is still struggling with an identity even though a decision has been made to stay male. This is my opinion though.

My only downside cheetaking is my mom. I know she'll try to coherse me into staying male or forget being my child.

sorry but that manipulative threat ain't gonna work. "You've made me live with fear for the past 8 yrs. And im through with it. Oh yeah also go ahead and jump straight in front of a bus. You'll probably make it to the darwin awards"

---------> This is what ive foreshadowed telling my mom. She has threatened to kill herself before and you know aperson wanting to do that bc she wants to save face from her family back home isnt a very strong person.

dunno but the const bickering with her aint worth it.

Family wise I really dont have much except my furry friends and you know I think that'll have to suffice. It hurts but well im strong enough to know that there are things in life you cant change.

Im learning to simply move foward, people can be quite adaptive despite the continous shit thats thrown at them. The key is to find a way to break from that series of shithole events.

The continual foreshadowing is a pessimistic view I ingrain myself in my head to try and do what I can to salvage from my life so I can at least enjoy whatever youthful remainder yrs are left as a pretty lady.

A lotof planning goes into what I want to do, it's just finding a way to execute them saftely without landing with too many bruises so to speak

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

That is rather incredible that just certain percentages of people - and not necessarily males or females - have this MAOAO gene, and it's just like a luck of the draw thing. Can only women have two of them? My guess is that I would have one.

I wonder if it could be a good thing that we find out WHICH 41% of women have none of them? Because then perhaps we could treat them with anti-depressant drugs, or other things that might help. I would prefer to no about a problem in my life like that then be unknowing, because then at least you might have the opportunity to do something about it. It seems horrible to me that so many people will go through life just being highly depressed, without having any understanding of why, or being given any opportunity to do something about it.

Your experiences with estrogen are wonderfully positive, and maybe it can make more men happier than we realise? Perhaps in small doses? Like with me, I've always considered myself to have feminine sides, but I've never desired to have the female body in any way (though my skin is pretty naturally smooth and soft for a guy), so I wouldn't be too keen on suddenly sprouting breasts and big hips! But taken in moderation it possibly wouldn't have major physical effects, but perhaps still give this extra happiness...depending on your mileage.

I wouldn't care about losing the body hair though