Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

HRT trials are relatively harmless. I'm in month 26 and just want to make su

re this HRT thing is for me.... lol.

2 years isn't a trial anymore. After this period of

time your natural endocrine system will be irreversibly.

Methinks your sarcasm alarm might be broken...

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Okay, I think I've finally found a way to combat the muscle fatigue. Today, I was trying to consciously observe the way that I was sitting, and the way that I was pitching cards at the poker tables, and I think I've found the problem. I slouch way too much. And I also had basically been using my waist to turn completely around to all of the seats rather than taking advantage of the swivel chairs that we have. So today, I've tried sitting up more with the back of the chair a little more forward, and I've used the swiveling ability of the chair to spin my pitching arm around the table rather than using my back muscles to turn all the time, and VOILA! No more extreme muscle fatigue. This is exactly how they taught us to pitch cards in the first place during the training sessions, to avoid repetitive-motion injuries, but apparently I was previously able to ignore this advice without much trouble due to a higher muscle mass. So really all I had to do was follow that advice that they gave to us in the first place, and that's all there was too it. I just need to start being more conscious of my posture than before. (3 hours into my work day right now, which is usually the time that I start feeling sore all over, but it's nowhere to be found today. YAY!!!)

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

TWELVE:

Overnight, there has been even more progression in the physical feminization department. As soon as I woke up and walked over to the mirror, I could instantly see, without even taking my shirt off, that my nipple growth has progressed even further. Yesterday it was just the point of the nipples that showed up through my shirt, while this morning almost the entire bulge was showing up through them. They're starting to look really puffy, and the conical shape has now grown to encompass almost the entire areola. And my face is looking even MORE feminine. I can now finally identify what the change is... my cheeks are starting to fill in. I used to barely be able to see my cheek bones, and my face looked a bit more flat, but now there is a definite round shape to my cheeks. My cheekbones are looking more pronounced, and the age lines which had been forming between my eyes and my nose for the last couple of years have almost completely disappeared, having been filled in with fattier tissue. So this is why I suddenly look younger. And also comparing my current face to my face when I started, my eyebrows have actually lifted upward significantly. Now they have a very pronounced arch shape to them rather than being flat, and they have lifted upward away from my eyes, making my eyes look amazingly more open. (My brows used to completely BURY my eyes whenever I smiled, while now they actually look open!!! YAY!!!) And again, the most shocking thing about these very pronounced changes, is that I have only been on estrogen for EIGHT DAYS. (I didn't put my first E patch on until midday last Friday.) I simply cannot believe that this is happening so quickly. In just over a week, I've already gone from hating my appearance to actually liking it. I simply can't believe it!

Anyway, needless to say, today I was feeling happier than ever and more confident than ever. And I pra

[quote="cheetaking243 (imported)" time=135779

0700]
yed and meditated quite a long time about w
[/quote]
hether I really do want to do a full gender transition or not, and really asked myself just what it is that keeps making me have doubts. And I think I finally have an answer. It's a lack of confidence. What I'm scared of is not being a woman. If I could know for sure that I would be able to pass as a completely normal female once all of this is over, I probably would have made it official a long time ago, because I really don't have any doubts at all that I myself would want to physically be female. ALL of my doubts are based on being afraid of not passing naturally... of looking like some man-woman hybrid, just looking like a guy with boobs, and of sounding wrong, and things like that. So really, I think what I need is more confidence. I really need to buy some women's clothes and work on the look, and I REALLY need to get working on the voice course once it comes. THAT would give me so much confidence if I could know that I really am going to be able to sound exactly like a natural woman. And while I'm gaining more confidence in the physical department, because honestly my face is already starting to look a bit femmy, I'm already starting to grow boobs, and I can now already see the early signs of increased fat deposits beginning to form in traditional feminine places like my butt and hips and thighs while my waistline and stomach are shrinking, I'm still a bit worried about my neck and shoulders and back. There is still just WAY too much fat there, and they are the parts of myself that I have always been grossed out by. Plus all of the hair that's just about everywhere. So I'm still afraid of that. They are the parts of me that are still a dead giveaway that I'm a guy, and I don't know how to get rid of them.

Anyway, I really don't have much to say today. Today was AMAZING. I felt incredibly feminine ALL day, to the point that the feminine bubbliness was actually pouring out of me all day, and I actually was able to make a lot of other people at my poker tables smile today just by acting happy. As I'm starting to actually look cuter rather than big and tough and manly, the things that I naturally feel like doing when I'm in a good mood, the happy and excited things, are FINALLY starting to have the effect that I have ALWAYS felt like they should. They are making other people SMILE!!! People were being SO nice to me all day! One of my supervisors said that one of the random feminine poses that I struck was "cute" as she smiled, one of the players at my table gave me a $25 tip after winning an all-in (a personal record,) I was consistently getting tipped $2 per pot rather than the norm of $1, and people were smiling at me all day. Plus thanks to some posture adjustments, the muscle tiredness was much better today. I was actually able to stay for an extra 2 hours of overtime tonight, and I still wasn't anywhere near as spent as I was yesterday. Just... WOW!!! This is what life is supposed to be like! It's like all of the things that I have dreamed about are finally coming true!

Also, to add one last physical effect into today's entry before I call it a day... for the first time ever, I had ZERO erections. Not even one in the morning, not even a half-erection like I had yesterday. NONE. And I don't miss them whatsoever. My life is immensely happier without them. And for one of the first days in my entire life, I was actually able to feel like myself today.

I wish EVERY day could be this good.

(Side note: Good news on the work front! I'm finally going to be moving up from part-time to full-time employment at the casino starting in a couple of weeks. So while just a week ago I was looking at scrimping and saving every penny of my disposable income for 5 years or more before I could afford SRS, now suddenly I'm going to have an extra $500 at my disposal every single paycheck. Which means $12,000 extra per year. Which means that I could be able to afford it as soon as this time next year. Plus I'll finally get a full-coverage health-insurance plan to go with the extra money, so I can finally afford an endocrinologist and therapy and all of the other things I need to do this the "right" way that I can't afford right now. So it's looking increasingly likely that this will be my last year ever with guy parts. YAY!!! Things are looking so up right now, and I just can't properly convey just how happy I'm feeling right now. All the extra work is going to be a bummer, because it means less time to write, but hey, it's worth it in this case.)

-Love and peace to everyone!

(ღ◠‿◠ღ) ♫･*:.｡. .｡.:*･

[fhunter]

I am surprised by your fast progress. It took me about 2 months to start visibly changing (but I was on blockers only)...

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

THIRTEEN:

This was yet another day of feeling absolutely amazing, loving life, and loving every single one of the changes I have been seeing. This morning, when I looked down over my stomach and waist, I noticed that they were now looking a bit more feminine. And when I was at work today, suddenly I looked down at my hands, and although the changes in skin texture and fat distribution have basically hardly started at all, if any, suddenly I just had this overwhelming emotional moment where I thought "my hands are going to look absolutely beautiful." And then I started tearing up, overcome with a complete feeling of joy, as I thought "ME??? BEAUTIFUL???" And that prospect of actually having a body part that looked beautiful... not just tolerable or less manly and gross, but actually BEAUTIFUL? It was just more joy than I could handle. And every day, as the feminization is getting more and more pronounced, the happier and happier I'm becoming with the way that I look. Every single time I look in the mirror, I smile. This is such a new and amazing feeling... I mean... God... what the hell have I been missing out on my entire life? And because of this, which has been going on for several days now, I'm definitely starting to move back to feeling like a full gender transition would not only be right for me, but the absolute best thing in the world.

That's really all you need to know about the kind of mood I was in today. It was yet again among the happiest days I've EVER had, and definitely the most feminine-feeling day I've ever had, which makes three in a row like this now. And I was still feeling calm, totally relaxed, and just everything that I saw and tasted and listened to was better than usual. So I really do believe that I'm settling into a new normal now, with the swings in T levels starting to disappear and the E starting to completely take over. My mood is now MUCH less variable from day to day. I'm just consistently feeling happy and feminine now, every single day, with little change.

So, since I don't have a lot to talk about in regards to the actual day, I thought I'd mention a few little odd changes that I have been meaning to mention for a while now, but haven't had the chance to talk about yet because I kept writing so damn much about the details of the day. So here we go!

DETAIL 1:

The "group" that I put myself into mentally has changed a bit. Like for some reason recently, whenever I see breasts, they no longer look like this attractive foreign thing that I don't understand but find SO amazing to look at. They just seem normal now... like "yep, that's a human, all right, and that's what humans are supposed to have." Likewise, this morning when I was measuring my waist-hip ratio, and trying to compare it to photos of other girls to see where I stand, there were a lot of naked pictures mixed in. But when I saw the vaginal area, and the feminine pubic hair, strangely seeing it just felt "normal." In fact, I kind of mentally grouped myself in with that picture, and almost just naturally felt like that was the body that I myself had, even though I obviously don't yet. It was actually kind of a shock to look down and see this weird "penis" thing between my legs instead of that.

DETAIL 2:

How I react to the way guys smell has changed DRASTICALLY. Being a poker dealer, I have to put up with musky guy-smell a lot, because some of the players at our casino never leave... they're there for entire days at a time, and don't shower. Before I started the hormones, those smells were downright offensive, and made me cringe as I thought of being forced to exist in the same location as that smell. But shockingly, about 3 or 4 days ago, suddenly I noticed that this smell didn't bother me anymore. When I smelled it coming from one of the players, it still smelled EXACTLY the same as always, and all of a sudden I just realized "what the hell is going on? Why isn't this bothering me?" But for some reason, it just didn't. In fact, it was actually a bit... gulp... pleasant. I can't believe it. And this has consistently been the case ever since. I'm not bothered by "man smell" anymore.

DETAIL 3:

I've noticed a tendency to get either chilled or overheated much more easily. Cold weather, especially when it's windy, makes me shiver like crazy, and it's hard to go outside without a coat, while before I NEVER had a problem with cold. And recently I've also noticed that when I start feeling hot, I don't just feel hot, I feel completely overheated. Maybe it's because I'm not sweating as much anymore, and thus my body doesn't lose excess heat as quickly.

DETAIL 4:

My sexual orientation has now almost completely changed from only liking girls, to being bisexual. Today at work, suddenly I was noticing that I was starting to actually feel attracted by men's muscles. It's like as my own body is weakening and my movements are getting slower, rounder, and more feminine, for the first time I actually understand what women see in big strong guys. This NEVER did anything for me before. In fact, it absolutely repulsed me. But now it's a bit attractive. And you know what? I like it!!! As a guy, the things that other men did I almost always found stupid and gross and offensive, where suddenly now I'm able to appreciate the things that both women AND men do. I spent my entire adult male life despising masculinity and everything to do with it, and felt annoyed and offended every single time I saw it, while now suddenly it doesn't bother me anymore. I am able to find things about BOTH genders that make me smile and feel attracted to now. And it's really liberating. It makes me feel much happier all the time, instead of being constantly repulsed by half of the human population.

DETAIL 5:

I've noticed that I'm never feeling quite as hungry anymore. I have always been a HUGE snacky-snacker, constantly needing to be chewing on something when I'm just sitting around, but oddly the urge for this behavior has really decreased in the last week or so. Also, with meals, although I can still eat just as much as ever before I truly start feeling full, I've noticed that I feel satisfied faster. It's almost like, because food seems to taste better to me now, I need less of it to feel emotionally satisfied. The amount of food I've been eating has noticeably declined. Before the trial started, I would regularly down two entire 2-course Chinese meals over the course of the day, including two huge portions of meat as well as a huge portion of Lo Mein, and I needed that just to feel satisfied. But yesterday, a cup of vegetable minestone and a small order of cajun chicken was enough to keep me full for the entire day.

DETAIL 6:

Body Composition Numbers: (I'm dieting, plus the whole gender-related muscle and fat changes are starting, so I want to keep track of this.)

INITIAL #'s: (first taken on Day Six of this trial, Sunday January 13th, so it's now been exactly one week since I started keeping track.)

Weight: 261.8 lbs

Body Fat: 38.3%

Muscle: 37.3%

Water Weight: 41.4%

Bone: 8.5%

WEEK 1 NUMBERS: (taken this morning. I always do this weigh-in first thing after I wake up in the morning.)

Weight: 260.4 lbs [-1.4 lbs. Has been inching down every single day without fail.]

Body Fat: 38.0% [-1.32 lbs. Has been inching down every single day without fail.]

Muscle: 37.3% [unchanged. It had been down as low as 36.9 earlier in the week, but bounced back after a couple days of this 5-day work marathon.]

Water Weight: 41.0% [-1.36 lbs. Has been as low as 40.3% and as high as 41.4%.]

Bone: 8.5% [unchanged. Has not changed all week.]

DETAIL 7:

Measurements:

INITIAL MEASUREMENTS: (first taken on Day Eight of this trial, which was Tuesday of last week, four days after I started taking estrogen.)

Waist: 40"

Hips: 45.5"

Underbust: 42"

Bust: 45"

Overbust: 43"

TODAY'S MEASUREMENTS: (after a total of nine days on estrogen)

Waist: 39.25" [-0.75 in. WOW!!!]

Hips: 45.75" [+0.25 in.]

Underbust: 41.5" [-0.5 in. My midsection, all the way from my waist to my ribcage, is already noticeably starting to pinch in a bit.]

Bust: 45" [unchanged]

Overbust: 43" [unchanged]

If I can think of anything else that I've missed, I'll add it in. But that's all I can think of for now.

Things are looking so up, and I'm so excited suddenly about the prospect of transitioning, that I ca

n hardly contain myself. For the

first time in my entire life, I'm actually starting to like my body. You can't imagine how liberating that is after a lifetime of hating it. My only question today is why do I have to wait so damn long for the hormones to COMPLETELY feminize me? That's unfortunately still months away, and I'm starting to feel a bit impatient now that I'm much more sure that I want ALL of these changes.

[adam-in-texas (imported)]

Hi there! I must say what an accomplishment you must be feeling! Being a guy myself, I cant fathom the changes that one would need to go thru..the list just goes on and on. Anyway my question to you is if u want to feel "even" more feminine have you considered shaving your body hair off? Or tried "tucking" your penis and balls in? Just curious. Anyway thanks for keeping us informed and good luck!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Hi there! I must say what an accomplishment you must be feeling! Being a guy myself, I cant fathom the changes that one would need to go thru..the list just goes on and on. Anyway my question to you is if u want to feel "even" more feminine have you considered shaving your body hair off? Or tried "tucking" your penis and balls in? Just curious. Anyway thanks for keeping us informed and good luck!

I've actually already been doing both of those things pretty much ever since the beginning of puberty. And before I finally got the courage to do this hormone trial, those two things were the ONLY way that I really ever got to feel feminine. I really don't do them as much anymore, just because they're both a pain in the butt. (One results in the guy parts being really annoyingly uncomfortable the whole time, the other results in nasty razor bumps everywhere, which I hate almost as much as having body hair in the first place, so most of the time it's just not worth it.) I do shave my legs and my arms regularly, because they're the parts which I can shave safely without getting razor bumps, but the rest of the body I usually just keep trimmed. It's too much effort and pain to keep those completely smooth, despite how much I LOVE the smooth feel. I'm hoping the hormones can help take care of this, at least making it not so thick and coarse... I hate having body hair.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

FOURTEEN:

I have a HUGE decision that I came to today. I've been thinking about it long and hard, now that my T and E levels have reached a more consistent level, and I've actually been able to experience some of the physical changes now, but I'll get to that at the end of this entry. First, here are a couple more physical changes which I noticed today.

First of all, YAY!!! This is a HUGE physical update!!! My skin is finally starting to soften! Today at work, randomly while I was rubbing my eyes, all of a sudden I noticed "wait a minute, something feels different." And at first, I couldn't put my finger on it. But then, when I wiped my mouth with the back of my right hand later in the day, suddenly I was just overwhelmed as I realized "Oh my God, that feels smooth!" For pretty much the entire rest of the day, I just couldn't stop. I was just constantly rubbing that smooth back of my hand across my face. Every single time, it felt like angel skin was caressing me. I smiled so brightly, and almost started crying... tears of pure happiness. I don't think I've ever felt so happy in my entire life. You don't know how long I've been wishing I could have beautiful smooth skin... and now it's actually starting! OH MY GOD, YAY!!!!!!!!! I love it, I love it, I love it!!!!!! Right now, it's really just the back of my hands and my wrists where it's noticeable. (Which makes sense, seeing as how those are among the parts of the body where the skin is the thinnest, and least blocked by thick layers of muscle and fat.) But this REALLY made me feel unbelievably happy, because I was waiting and waiting and waiting for some sign that this was finally about to start, and now it's here! (Have I said "YAY!" enough yet?)

The other physical change that I noticed today: I am FINALLY no longer feeling hot and stuffy inside of my all-polyester work uniform. In our poker room, I always hear guests complaining about how cold it is in there, and I never know what the heck they're talking about, because I'm sweating like a pig. This is how I have ALWAYS felt whenever I have to dress up. I end up sweaty, hot, and miserable, because everyone else seems to have a lower internal thermostat than I do. But not today!!! Today, I FINALLY actually could feel the air conditioning in the poker room, and I didn't feel hot once all day. In fact, my hands were freezing by the end of the day. (And yes, this is a positive thing! I can FINALLY dress up without feeling like I'm dying! And I can FINALLY actually be comfortable wearing long sleeves indoors. And in summer, maybe I can FINALLY actually enjoy the heat instead of hiding in the air conditioning all day. Because while you can always put more clothes on, or dress in layers, if you're feeling too cold, you can NOT take anything else off if you're feeling hot. So this change in internal thermostat is awesome!)

The last physical change that I'll talk about today is that I've noticed that now my body is really getting sensitive to things that I never really cared about before. Like when I drink too much caffeine, I'll get heart palpatations at the end of the day. Or when I eat too much sugar, I'll feel my heart rate go up. And when I break my diet and eat glueten, I'll get a stomach ache. And when I try to have a "junk day," pretty much all of those calories show up immediately on the scale. And when I don't have good posture, my back will start hurting. And when I don't pitch the cards using the proper procedures, my arms will hurt by the end of the day. (And I suspect that if I were to drink alcohol right now, I'd get drunk really quickly. [not that I ever drink anyway, but just speculating here...]) Also, my emotions are having much more of an effect on my consciousness than usual. When something is making me happy, I feel HAPPY!!! And when something is worth tearing up over, I actually feel tears coming. In general, I'm having to pay WAY more attention to everything that I do. As a guy, it just seemed like nothing at all affected me, no matter how many times I ignored conventional wisdom. While now it's like every single one of those pointers I've heard is finally starting to make sense, because now there are actual effects when I don't. (And yes, this actually feels more right to me. It's almost like experiencing LIFE for the first time! I HATED feeling like nothing at all affected me! It made me feel like an emotionless lump of dirt. But now it's like I'm finally ALIVE, and experiencing the [quo

te="cheetaking243 (imported)" time=13

5

7983600]
highs and lows of life that I

have been m
[/quote]
issing out on. Yes, THIS is what life is supposed to be like!)

So now we come to my big decision. It's something that I've been feeling more and more every single day since about the end of last week. And it's in regards to this so-called "trial." I've decided that it's officially not a trial anymore. When I started out on this journey, my goal with the hormones was to experience some of the effects, see if I liked them or not, and maybe just maybe discover whether I really was transgender/transsexual or not. Well, now those goals have officially ended. To provide some closure to the "trial" portion of this hormone thing, here is my initial list of effects that I started out with, and a checklist of all the ones that I have already experienced:

-Calmness, a sense of control (CHECK. Started almost immediately, became permanent after about 4 days.)

-Loss of sex drive (CHECK. Took about a week. And I'm REALLY happy that it's gone. This morning, I tried masturbating, didn't make it to orgasm, and just shrugged and went right back to being happy. I LOVE this! It's like for the first time in my life I'M in total control of my state of mind instead of hormones.

)

-Loss of spontaneous erections, erections softer (

CHECK. As of 2 days ago, my nocturnal erections have stopped completely. And the normal ones continue to get softer with every day. And no, I do not miss them. They annoy the hell out of me, and I should have been born with a vagina anyway.

)

-Thought changes. A greater sense of happiness, a greater sense of self. Also possibly a sense that my thoughts finally feel "right" for the first time in my life if I am indeed transgendered, or the thought changes feeling wrong if I'm not. (

Oh, God, BIG CHECK here! This is indeed the first time in my entire life that my thoughts and emotions have ever felt "right," and I've NEVER been so happy with myself!

)

-Loss of body odor, don't sweat as much (

No odor changes that I've noticed yet, but I definitely don't sweat as much. (and yes, I do really like this.)

)

-"Eunuch calm," loss of male aggression and male anger response. (

Definitely have lost the anger response. When I have to do things now, they just don't bother me as much. And my anger response to everything has gone WAY down!)

-"Shrinkage" of up to 40%-60% (still waiting. No doubt that I want this, though. In fact, I don't just want it smaller, I want it completely gone. And my resolve to do this hasn't gone away at all with the loss of T. In fact, it's gotten WAY stronger.)

-Loss of muscle mass (started happening about 3 days ago. But you know, I actually like feeling a bit weaker. It just seems to match my personality better. I actually have to work at things now instead of it all just being too damned easy.)

-Skin texture softening (YAY!!! IT'S STARTING NOW!!! I've NEVER been so happy!!!)

-Softening/lessening of body hair (still waiting. But there's no doubt AT ALL that I will love this once it starts.)

-Head hair regrowth. (still waiting. But again, no doubt whatsoever that I will LOVE this when it finally starts

.)

-Body fat distribution changes. More on hips and thighs, less on stomach. (

it has indeed started. My waist is pinching in, my hips are getting a bit fuller. And I LOVE it!!! For the first time in my life, the prospect of being pretty is within my reach!

)

-Breast growth, along with severe breast tenderness while they're growing. (

Nipple growth has indeed started. And yes, I like it.)

-Facial feminization (It has indeed started also. And for the FIRST TIME in my ENTIRE life, I'm starting to like the way my face looks.)

So that is what led me to make this decision. Feminization has indeed started, so quickly and at such a fast pace that it absolutely blew my mind. And wit

h every single little thing that has sta

rted to change over the last few days, I have gotten happier and happier. I liked the facial changes and the slight body re-proportioning, but the skin thing today was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was just AMAZING!!! And to go with the physical changes, for the first time in my life I really feel like I'm alive! I can feel things now, and I know what true happiness feels like! And those years and years of emotional baggage, feeling like the thoughts in my head were wrong, and my body was absolutely gross and disgusting, those are all almost completely gone now, in what amounts to the twinkling of an eye.

So that's why I have made the following decision. I have decided that this is no longer a hormone "trial." It is now an HRT log. As of tonight, the goal of taking hormones is no longer to "investigate" whether I am indeed transsexual/transgender or not, or to see if I like the effects or not. I know that now. I am now convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am. So as of tonight, my end goal is no longer to do a "trial," which has a definite end to it. My end goal is now officially a full gender transition. And it will not be over until I have finally feminized enough to pass as a girl in real life. (This will probably still take at least another 6 months, if not a year, but that is now my goal.)

So from now on, I'm not going to be observing the effects of anti-androgens and estrogen from a viewpoint of "do I like this or not?" I'll be viewing it all like an over-excited kid in a candy store, waiting eagerly for each little step that will be taking me one step closer to finally having a body that matches my mind. And I will not stop until this goal is achieved. (Now, I am not saying that I have officially decided to live life as a woman just yet, because I'm still leaving room for the unlikely event that some drastic flux happens and I lose my desire to be a woman suddenly, but I am saying that I am no longer treating this HRT regiment like a "trial," I am officially treating it as a transsexual hormone regiment. And the end goal is now complete 100% physical femininity, not just "see if I like it.")

So, yeah. As of tonight, this "Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial" thread would probably be more appropriately titled "Cheetaking243's Official HRT Log." Because it's no longer about trying things out, it's just about documenting the many amazing feminizing changes as they happen. And I only wish they'd happen sooner. I've NEVER been so happy in my entire life!!!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

FIFTEEN:

Sigh... I'm honestly just feeling really depressed today. Now that I've gotten a taste of how much I love the physical feminizing effects of estrogen, I'm just feeling EXTREMELY impatient. My roomate was in a car accident last night, and as such she was confined to the house with me all day, and being around her and all of her natural femininity just made me feel downright miserable about myself. I was right back to feeling like the me that I saw in the mirror was still too muscular and big and dumb and ugly, and started getting in this moody depressed feeling where it all felt so impossible, and I was crying because from where I'm standing now it just seems like such a lofty unachievable goal, and I'm so sick of looking like a guy. She seems so feminine, and so different, that it feels like I'll NEVER get to where she is. And I want to be there so much!!! I love EVERYTHING about the feminine body, and I want it for myself SO much! And yet the progress is agonizingly slow for me. It's going to be MONTHS before I even get close, and a full year or more before I'm feminine enough to pass. And every day that I have to wait is another day that I'm dissatisfied with how I look, and unable to be my true self.

I really need to find a way to make myself feel more feminine. Today, I was originally going to go shopping at Goodwill to try and find a pair of women's jeans, (and maybe a skirt,) plus a pair of pantyhose or something, but because Jenny was home all day, and constantly dumping her whiny emotional baggage on me and looking for back massages and hugs and a shoulder to lean on to make her feel better (she freaks out over EVERYTHING, and today was panicking over being sued by the person who ran into her car last night. Good God, girl, calm the f*** down!) I spent the whole day in emotional-support mode instead of living-my-dreams mode, and as such never got the opportunity to go. And her mood kind of scares me, because while she was crying and being emotional she suddenly started saying "I don't care if we're not together anymore, I still love you," and I just felt absolutely TERRIBLE. Because when she's feeling depressed, she immediately starts leaning on that personality that I've always been... the calm, rational guy who's always a purveyor of big hugs and an emotional rock that she can lean on. And in a few months, that man is no longer going to be there anymore. So I started getting so afraid that eventually later in life she's going to come looking for that same strong male Charlie that she fell in love with those six years ago. But the reality is, that person isn't going to be there. I feel so terrible about that possibility, but at the same time I know I can't be that person anymore, because it's just not who I am. My future is feminization, not being the big emotionally-braindead guy that can absorb any amount of female emotional baggage without getting bothered in the least because my brain is incapable of feeling truly affected by things. No. Now that is already disappearing. I AM affected by things now. And that is why I've spent this entire day just feeling like I wanted to cry, and feeling so terrible, as she came crying to me. Because while I know she loves the side of me that is so giving that I'm always willing to listen, I know that she does not, and cannot, love the side of me that wants to be a girl, and the side of me that was never comfortable taking the "male leadership" role in our relationship. And as long as all of those things cannot live harmoniously, I can no longer return her love, no matter how much she comes crying back to me. And I feel terrible about this, even though I know it's true that I could NEVER be the person that she wanted me to be. I tried for a long time, and it only ever led to me being constantly snappy and angry and miserable. I know that the only way that I'll ever be truly happy is to change my physical gender to match my mind. And yet now I know that she'll miss that person that I was, and it makes me feel like total crap.

So... God... this was just a hard day. Not a hard day in the gender-identity department, because that was still extremely feminine all day, but more of a hard day in terms of feeling frustrated with how long it's going to take, overwhelmed with emotional baggage that I really didn't want to be forced to handle, and upset that I didn't get to do the two things that I had been planning on doing today all week... buying female clothes, and making my two-week progress video. Because Jenny was in the house crying all day, I didn't get to do either. So sigh... this day sucked. I still feel like crying.

EDIT: Something even worse just happened, where a lot of things just compounded into a single moment where all of the frustrations from the entire day just all came boiling out at once (it involved the DVD that I was watching to de-stress myself suddenly stopping, and having to fight with the terrible DVD navigation controls of the PS2 only to have it stop yet again when I finally got back the part where I left off,) and I had a complete emotional explosion where I threw the controller to the ground, ran off into the bedroom, and spent a good 10 minutes straight curled up into a ball crying. And I explained to Jenny that her constant over-emotions were stressing me out, and we had a talk, but now I feel bad for bringing this up in the midst of her own crying sessions, and I feel stupid and guilty and helpless to do anything to stop it, and I'm still just feeling miserable, and feel like crying. God, this whole day sucks. I just feel like sitting in a corner alone and crying endlessly right now.

[foxytaur (imported)]

see if I were transforming im expecting emotional swings however id dress up all punk initially, bad girly femboi attitude till the changes keep on occuring. Slowly replace whatever wardrobe you got with feminine clothing.

Granted the femboi is a very difficult to mantain and the problem with it is at some point the male body cant keep up with it. The T turns to DHT and its over.Hello hyper masculinity aka the transformation from fawn -----> tennage deer --------> to stag.

Ideally what I have in mind cheetaking is to go femboi -----> girly tomboy punk.

Provided that I dont change yet. My worry is becoming the stag.

2 more years to put up with bullshit from the house . especially my mother.

Ill move in with friends and thats that, fuck it.

Why do you think im very meticulous with my diet, exercise regime and heath?

To reduce free radical damage, to minimize telomere cellular senecense(cell apoptosis. the more cells divide the more damage is done to dna to point where cells can no longer divide hence old age).

The video I sent you earlier was a translady who transitioned in her early 30's yet she did amazingly well. She did say she had to work harder than natal females to achieve really good results and frankly its what i seek myself aswell.

I know you can do it cheetaking but plzz try to be happy, one step at a time and start practicing good health habits to ease with the transition.