Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial!

[_g (imported)]

Just remember that it takes about 2 to 3 weeks before the testosterone is fully reduced, and your hormones are stable. Until them your in a transitional state, lots of back and forth (or up and downs).

Be careful as you do lose muscle unless you keep up a good exercise schedule.

_g

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

TEN:

Yay!!! Finally, I had a day where once again I felt feminine all day, happy all day, and had an amazing sense of inner peace all day, plus none of that obnoxious sexual tension that I'm increasingly glad to be rid of (hopefully forever this time.) My convictions in regard to going through with complete feminization have been off and on, and quite a rollercoaster ride for the last week or so, but today was definitely an "on" day. And I really do feel great when I'm at the peaks of these feelings, so I pretty much felt great all day. My biggest emotional struggle all day was when I started imagining what I'm going to look like 8 months from now when it's time for me to go to the nude-volleyball Superbowl with my dad and aunt in September. I was thinking a lot about how, if I really do decide to continue with the feminization regime in addition to the chem-castration once the 2nd month is over, I'm going to explain to them why I suddenly have boobs. I eventually did reach a reasonable plan, and after that my worries significantly subsided, so it wasn't a big deal, and that was the only anti-feminine thought I had all day.

And now on to the physical effects. And this is a big one... the whole reason why I was a bit hung up on the whole "having boobs at a nudist camp" thing, was because I noticed something a bit shocking today... my nipples are already starting to change shape. Usually my nipples are pretty much completely flat aside from the little round bit sticking up in the middle. But now I've noticed something a bit different. The tissue directly around the middle area of my nipples, is starting to look just the slightest bit more conical. There's a tiny little bulge that starts about halfway from the edge to the middle, and reaches a small peak with the nipple itself. (It's very tiny and almost unnoticeable... maybe a millimeter or two at the most. But it's definitely there. And it's on both sides.) Also, when I pushed in on the nipples hard enough, it actually hurt. It never used to hurt at all when I did that, it just behaved like slightly-more-sensitive-than-average skin. So SOMETHING is definitely starting to happen there. (And this started yesterday, and got even more noticeable today, so I'm pretty sure it's not just my mind playing tricks on me.) So this is a big one. After a week on estrogen, I'm already seeing some signs that breast growth is potentially about to start.

Also, my muscles are definitely starting to get weaker. After a full day of work that usually isn't the least bit physically strenuous, my muscles were KILLING me! My upper back and shoulders and arms were the parts that felt the worst, but my legs hurt also. Everything felt really tired and achy. (And the body-composition scale has indeed been showing a slow decline in muscle mass over the last 5 mornings... I always weigh myself as soon as I wake up in the morning. And when I started out, my body's muscle % was 37.3%. It's been slowly declining every single morning since then, and this morning it came out at an all-time low of 36.9%. I really doubt it's dropped that much in such a short time, but it is consistently reading lower than it was before. SIDE NOTE: I've also managed to drop my body fat percentage by the same amount, as well as 7 lbs in total weight. Progress!!! Yay!!!)

One more physical effect that I haven't mentioned yet, is that for the past few days or so I've been feeling like temperature fluctuations are affecting me more than they usually do. I usually have an INCREDIBLE internal thermostat in the winter time, and can walk outside in shorts and a t-shirt for a good 5 minutes before even starting to feel the chill. But not anymore. Two days ago, when I stepped outside to move my car aside so that my roommate could get out of the driveway, as SOON as I was out the door I was shivering like crazy, and could barely stand the cold for a few seconds before I was desperate to run back inside. And for the past few days, when I've taken hot showers in the morning, for some reason by the time they're over I'm almost at the brink of being overheated. After those showers, I'm breathing heavily, my heart rate is way up, I feel like I'm burning up all over and need to cool down, and again this just never happened before. So I have become MUCH more susceptible to hot and cold. For the first time in my life, I need to wear a jacket every time I go outside unless I'm in the mood to freeze my butt off.

And finally, I just want to add one last note about my chosen method of estrogen delivery, patches. I'm starting to suspect that I have been on a half-dose of E for the last few days, because when I replaced my E patches on Tuesday, I stuck one of them on my left bicep. Now usually I can tell that the E patches are working because the skin touching the hormone surface of the patch will feel itchy, and will feel a little bit tingly below the surface. This happened with the ones on my backside, and also happened with the one on my front. But it never happened with the one on my arm. And today, after less than 2 days, the patch on my arm just completely fell off, out of nowhere. So, yet again, I had to break out a new one WAY ahead of schedule. (Damn it... that's 15 dollars worth of patches wasted now because the damned things won't stay on!) And this time, I decided to put it back on a more sensitive area with thinner skin and less muscle, and put it just above my left hip bone. And once that was on, for the first time in days, I finally had a day where I felt feminine all day. Even during the few down moments that I had today, I never stopped feeling feminine. So although it could just be because of how calm and peaceful my decision to be a eunuch permanently has made me, maybe it was the hormones too. I don't know.

I definitely feel like my T levels have resumed dropping now. I got a few hot-flashes again at work today (which really made me miserable for a while there, when combined with all of the muscle fatigue,) and at the same time my sex drive has noticeably dropped once again. (I had ONE erection all day.) So I

really hope this continues, and is not jus

t another cycle on

the roller-coaster ride that I'

ve been on for the last week or so. I hope my T stays low, and my sex-drive stays gone. I'm a much happier person without it. Today, it was another day where EVERYTHING was more pleasurable. When I listened to music this morning, it gave me an unfathomable sense of happiness. When I saw the sunrise, and the pretty lights from the city skyline, it made me so happy and peaceful. When I saw a flock of seagulls flying behind a cargo ship as it pulled out down the Cuyahoga River, I was overwhelmed by the simple beauty of the scene. God, I just love this feeling so much... everything that I love just seems that much more beautiful and that much more enjoyable, and that feeling of peace and calmness is like my whole body is being bathed in the most amazing salve. THIS is what I want out of life, and I pray that this time it never again yields to the tense agitated uptightness that is my male sexual response cycle.

As always, here's to a bright tomorrow! I wish every day could be as happy as this day was for me!

(SIDE NOTE: I just wanted to mention, that yesterday morning while I was still feeling crappy and tense and un-feminine, I had a genuine prayer session for the first time in a VERY long time, maybe months. So now I'm finally feeling much better spiritually as well, and feel like God is with me and guiding me again.)

[~Tiamat~ (imported)]

Yay!!! Finally, I had a day where once again I felt feminine all day, happy all day, and had an amazing sense of inner peace all day, plus none of that obnoxious sexual tension that I'm increasingly glad to be rid of (hopefully forever this time.) My convictions in regard to going through with complete feminization have been off and on, and quite a rollercoaster ride for the last week or so, but today was definitely an "on" day.

What did I tell you?

My biggest emotional struggle all day was when I started imagining what I'm going to look like 8 months from now when it's time for me to go to the nude-volleyball Superbowl with my dad and aunt in September.

Usually my nipples are pretty much completely flat aside from the little round bit sticking up in the middle. But now I've noticed something a bit different. The tissue directly around the middle area of my nipples, is starting to look just the slightest bit more conical.

They pop out so quickly at first and then it's like watching paint dry. The first year or two is certainly the most dramatic or was for me but please don't worry if you don't get the progress you want as quickly as you want it!

[JessicaH (imported)]

HRT trials are relatively harmless. I'm in month 26 and just want to make sure this HRT thing is for me.... lol.

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

Since this is DIY, I worry about the pains you are having. Especially how quickly they started. Plus the way you jumped in whole hog as it were it concerns me. Have you looked into finding a clinic that offers "Informed Conssent" hormone treatments? They'll prescribe without making you do the standard crap they put people through to transition. It would be better if you were being monitored by an Endocrinologist.

Hope its all good and just par for the course stuff.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Since this is DIY, I worry about the pains you are having. Especially how quickly they started. Plus the way you jumped in whole hog as it were it concerns me. Have you looked into finding a clinic that offers "Informed Conssent" hormone treatments? They'll prescribe without making you do the standard crap they put people through to transition. It would be better if you were being monitored by an Endocrinologist.

Hope its all good and just par for the course stuff.

It's just fatigue. It's not that they're constantly hurting, or that there's some abnormal pain, it's just that they get sore WAY faster during the day than usual. I'm a poker dealer, so I have to use my arms a LOT, and it's usually after about 3 hours of work that I start feeling really spent. If there was some lingering kind of pain that didn't feel normal, then I would be a lot more worried, but this is very clearly just a fatigue issue. With days full of pitching cards, reaching across the entirety of our huge poker tables three times a minute to collect all of the chips into the pot, dealing out flops and turns, constant hand gestures toward the players when it's their turn to act, pushing the pot, dropping the rake, and tapping the tips on the table before I drop them, I'm not surprised whatsoever that my arms and shoulders feel completely spent after about 3 hours of it. And that fatigue pretty much goes away as soon as I get home and can just sit and relax for a while. (I'll agree with you, though, I am indeed surprised that all of this is happening so quickly. I'm already seeing facial changes, and nipple budding, and it's only been a week. I'm going really fast for some reason.)

Anyway, yeah, I know what I'm doing is risky. I did kind of make a rash decision to just jump right into it like I did. But so far, so good. There appears to be nothing whatsoever out of the ordinary happening, and I've never been happier. The only adverse physical effect so far has been that I get tired faster, which I honestly expected, since just about everyone who has done a chem-castration trial has reported this exact thing. There are no signs whatsoever of any of the other common negative side-effects of these pills. Rest assured, I'm keeping vigilant for anything that's out of the ordinary or that could be a sign of a potential medical problem. (I have a list of things to watch out for.) And thus far there have been absolutely none.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

OFFICIAL HORMONE TRIAL LOG, DAY

ELEVEN:

Okay, so today I'm going to get to start this daily entry with something REALLY cool! Last night, I had an orgasm in my sleep that was COMPLETELY dry. At 2:00 this morning, suddenly I had an absolutely mind-blowing orgasm in the middle of a dream, and awoke to the usual feeling of spasms that typically accompany ejaculation, and yet when I looked down at myself, there was absolutely NOTHING there. No sperm, no ejaculatory fluid, nothing whatsoever. And to add to the weirdness, I didn't even have much of an erection at all when it happened. I couldn't believe it. This has indeed happened to me before, twice actually, and somehow it's just a completely different kind of orgasm than the kind that I usually get both while awake and asleep. This kind of orgasm feels completely different. The usual orgasm involves a rock-hard "member," and a gradual building and building of sexual tension through physical contact until the pleasure finally releases in a short burst, ejaculation occurs, and then it's over, and there's the usual relapse period where I can't even think about sex afterward, let alone hope for another orgasm for quite a while. But these three dry orgasms, which I have only ever experienced in my sleep, are COMPLETELY different. The feeling that leads up to them does not necessarily involve an erection, and doesn't necessarily have the same need for physical sensations and physical motion. It's almost like an extremely-intense tickle feeling, like pure sexual pleasure unhindered by physical limitations. And this pleasure isn't a slow bubble that's mostly contained within the genitals, it's like an absolute explosion. When it finally reaches orgasm, it just absolutely erupts across the entirety of the lower body, everywhere from the stomach down to the knees, with the focal point at the genitals. And unlike a normal male orgasm, it's not necessarily over after that. This morning, I didn't have the same feeling of relapse as usual. I instantly was able to get an erection again. And yes, I have indeed had multiple orgasms with this type of dry orgasm before. It happened several years ago, but I'll never forget that unbelievable sensation. Basically what happened is that, right as the first one was calming down, suddenly that ticklish sexual sensation started up again. And if the first one was an eruption, this second one was like an atomic explosion. It was like every particle of the first explosion was now exploding tenfold. I have NEVER felt something that amazing ever since. And also unlike the normal male orgasm, where afterward you feel satisfied and go back to a state of tired contentment, this dry type of orgasm has a completely different after feeling. You don't feel tired and content, you feel ALIVE!!! Awake, unbelievably happy, like your whole body is filled with light, and that feeling just lasts and lasts rather than progressing back to melancholy and stoicism within about an hour. (I really wonder... is this what they call a "female orgasm?" And if so, why the hell is it that I'm able to get them in my sleep? That really shouldn't happen when you think about it.)

So, yeah... that was REALLY cool. And it was just one of the reasons why I was feeling unbelievably happy all morning.

So, anyway, this morning I was really happy for a number of reasons. First there was probably the lingering effects of that AMAZING dry orgasm overnight. But in addition to that, I just felt unbelievably physically feminine this morning. And this was triggered when I looked in the mirror, and was amazed that there has been even more progress in the facial-feminization department. There have been definite changes. I don't know exactly what has changed, but for some reason my cheeks look younger, my smile looks brighter when I smile, and my eyes look brighter and more open than usual. There's no mistaking it anymore, it really is starting to change. And here is the great part... for the first time in YEARS, I'm actually starting to like the way that I look. The more feminized my face is looking, the more and more it's making me happy inside, and the more it's making me actually enjoy the way that my face looks. (Wow... that's just such an amazing thing... for the first time since the age of TWELVE, I'm actually starting to LIKE the way my face looks again!!! YAY!!!) And there has also been some now-undeniable progression in the nipple area. Yesterday and the day before, there were the hints of conical shapes showing up around the middle of my nipples, while today it was REALLY starting to look conical. In fact, the bulges have gotten big enough now that I could still see the little points through my shirt after I got dressed.

This is the first day where I have officially been able to look at myself in the mirror and say for sure "There's not even a remote possibility that I'm imagining things anymore. The feminization really has started full-gear now." And the amazing thing is, these changes are already bringing me an AMAZING sense of happiness, even though they're still in their infancy. All day, I couldn't stop looking at my face, and feeling absolutely amazing inside as I realized that I was actually enjoying it. And all day, I couldn't stop looking at my little increasingly-perky nipples, and again just felt so good on the inside. (And there was no sexual motive whatsoever involved in this... I didn't have ONE erection all day. The closest I got was the half-erection I had after the 2-a.m. dry orgasm.) This is a kind of pleasure that is all in the head... it's all about the sheer excitement of actually liking what I see as it changes, and feeling like every single one of the changes is so "right," and actually starting to feel comfortable with the way my own body looks for the first time in EVER!

You know what's a good metaphor for this? It's just like when I finally bought panties for the first time. For all of my life, men's underwear had felt uncomfortable to me. For some reason other guys feel more comfortable having more space "down there," but I could never get over the feeling of everything flopping around. So my options for years were either to put up with constant penile discomfort because the material was too loose all over, or put up with tight elastic waist-bands digging into my hips all day because I had to wear underwear that were 2 sizes smaller than my waist size in order for the rest of it to feel comfortable. That is like what my life was like as a guy. I was constantly uncomfortable, constantly hating the way my body looks, constantly unable to express myself, but I put up with it because I was too cowardly to try what I believed would make me more comfortable. And then, about a year and a half ago, after wanting to for my entire life, I tried on a pair of panties. And it was like lightning had struck. For the first time EVER, I actually felt comfortable in my own underwear. And for months after that, I was just constantly looking at myself wearing them, loving the way that I looked in them and the way that I felt in them. It's like the same thing now with the actual physical feminization changes... for the first time EVER, I actually am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, after a whole lifetime of putting up with the constant discomfort. And there is one more side to this metaphor. Because I eventually did lose my interest in constantly looking at myself wearing the panties. They ceased being so new and exciting, and just became a part of my daily existence. So they don't really excite me anymore. But they are still WAY more comfortable than my men's underwear ever were, and there's no way in hell I'm ever going back. The physical feminization is much the same. Right now, it's new and exciting. But it's not the newness and the excitement that make me want to continue... it's the comfort. And that comfort will never go away, even long after the excitement has ceased and I've gotten used to the physical changes. I recognize this feeling, because I've felt it before, in regards to a much smaller little personal feminization decision that I made about a year and a half ago.

So, yeah, this morning, after I realized just how much I loved the way that I was starting to look, and recognized that feeling of comfort, I'd never felt more happy or more certain that I wanted to continue with the feminization. And this made me SO happy that it was almost unfathomable. This was one of the happiest mornings of my entire life in terms of just how good I felt inside. (Side note: I officially ordered the "Finding Your Female Voice" DVD series this morning, as well as a couple of wigs from Amphigory after playing around with my self-picture in Photoshop for a good 2 hours straight trying to find a hair style that would look pretty on me. And I also spent a significant portion of the morning being a total nerd, and looking at lots of different female cosplay potentials, feeling so amazing inside as I thought... "my God... I'm actually going to be able to wear these!!! YAY!!!") I was just filled with so much giddy excitement, and so much girlish glee this morning, that I couldn't contain myself. It was a whole morning of striking poses in front of the mirror, randomly jumping and skipping around as I cooked breakfast, and just feeling so happy inside. From where I'm standing now, the future has NEVER looked so bright.

And then unfortunately work came, and totally wrecked my mood. With my decreased muscle endurance recently, work has become a daily exercise in discomfort. I almost always start the day feeling great, but then within about 3 hours of constant arm motions from pitching cards and raking in chips, I feel physically SPENT, and just want to go back home. Today was no exception. I was crying out for mercy by the time the day was finally over because I felt so freaking tired. So while my home life has never been better, and never been happier, my work life has become a serious chore this week. Kind of a bummer. But whatever. Let's not talk about that. I'm sure I'll adjust to the decreased muscle mass soon enough. It's going to be one hell of a tough next few months in that regard, but it's worth it if it really does mean FINALLY liking the me that I see in the mirror.

-With love, and a wish of GOOD NIGHT! (I'm going to bed... man, I'm tired... just got back from work an hour ago.)

[Wolf-Pup (imported)]

I didn't know they had table games in Ohio now. I thought it was all just in the neighboring states like West Va, PA, and Indiana. Then again being in PA, I don't get all the Ohio state news

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

I didn't know they had table games in Ohio now. I thought it was all just in the neighboring states like West Va, PA, and Indiana. Then again being in PA, I don't get all the Ohio state news

Yup. There's actually three full-fledged casinos operating in Ohio now. Horseshoe Cleveland, Hollywood Toledo, and Hollywood Columbus. And a fourth, Horseshoe Cincinnati, will be opening in just over a month. All four of them have slots, table games, and full poker rooms.

[butcherbaby (imported)]

HRT trials are relatively harmless. I'm in month 26 and just want to make sure this HRT thing is for me.... lol.

2 years isn't a trial anymore. After this period of time your natural endocrine system will be irreversibly.