SEVEN:
(WARNING: This is another very long post...)
Oh, Lord, what a day. I'm sorry that I didn't write this last night, but there's a reason. I was completely SPENT by the time I got back home from work last night.
So, now that I've spent three days straight gushing about the amazingly positive effects of taking estrogen, and how happy I was, let's talk about the negative effects. Because those DEFINITELY started last night. I knew going into this trial that estrogen has the potential to either make you a lot happier, because your highs are higher, but also the potential to make you more miserable, because your lows are lower. And let me tell you, I had one hell of a low yesterday night.
It started pretty innocently... I was just feeling really tired, because I was up until like 3 a.m. the previous night trying to quickly take all of the lights and the ornaments off our Christmas tree so that we could haul it into the yard for the morning trash pickup. And my roommate being her usual self, she got into crazy hyper-cleaning mode, and we ended up vacuuming the whole house because as soon as the pine needles were off the floor she started noticing little specks of kitty litter, and a hundred other things. So we were up until 3:00 at night cleaning, and so I did NOT get much sleep that night. And so by the time I reached the midpoint of my work day, I was ready to keel over.
Usually tiredness just makes me feel miserable, and whiny, but today it affected me in a way that it never had before. Because in addition to emotional tiredness, I started getting some SEVERE muscle fatigue. My shoulders and upper back were absolutely killing me by the time I reached the end of my streak of live poker tables. And to add to that, one of my co-workers came back from break 10 minutes late while I was dealing at the last table in the lineup before break, so by the time I was tapped out of the table to go to break, half of my 30-minute break was already over. And I already felt, both physically and mentally, completely spent, so this was just absolutely terrible to add on to that. (I started going into this awful train of constantly-compounding self-defeating thoughts along the lines of "WHY ME?!!!") And by the time I was finally sent to break, I genuinely felt like crying. Not just whining and complaining like usual, but completely crying.
And I didn't feel any better by the time I got home. Usually once a bad day at work is over with, I can go back to my normal life and feel relieved that I'm finally away from the bad feelings... retreat into "the cave" by spending the evening playing video games and watching TV... just take some alone time, and all of my troubles melt away. But that did not happen last night. Because once I start feeling tired, I've found that I also start feeling much less feminine than usual. And when that happens, I start to doubt myself. And once I started thinking negative thoughts, not even getting off of work could help. These thoughts just kept flooding my mind, and kept getting worse and worse and worse, leading to even more negative thoughts, until it felt like I was drowning in a pool of misery. And I really got hung up on the following train of thought: "Now that I've experienced such happiness, there's no way that I can go back to how things were. But what about all of these other things, like a potential future family, and like relationships, that I'll be giving up! It's so unfair! WAAH!!! WHY ME?!!!" And the more I thought about things like that, the worse and worse my mood got.
The bad thing is, none of these thoughts really make rational sense. Just earlier in the day, I kind of had an epiphany about relationships, and realized that I'd actually feel more comfortable living as a girl, and explaining to some future guy that I'm a transsexual, moreso than going through the pain of having to tell another girl that I have transsexual desires, and having to suppress my femininity for the sake of living up to her ideal masculine mental image again. But in my endlessly-spiraling self-defeating mood, suddenly I just started getting so down on myself that I couldn't think straight.
So, yeah... sheesh... now I know why more women than men have depression. Because your mind does NOT shut up when something is bothering you. And even the smallest of annoyances can trigger a downward spiral where things get worse and worse and worse the more you think about them, to the point that you're hung up on things that have absolutely nothing to do with the thing that was bothering you in the first place. I'm just thankful that there was no ice cream or chocolate in the house last night. (And now I know why women do that too... because the high from those things is much higher, eating those serotonin-boosting foods really does make you feel a lot better... until, that is, you realize that you've screwed up your diet, and then you start feeling terrible all over again.) The only way that I finally got my brain to shut up, was when I was finally able to realize what I was doing. I realized "oh, wow, this must be what people meant when they said "lower lows." Okay, then, I guess what I really just need is a good night's sleep to quiet my mind down. I'll feel much better in the morning." And I did, crashing on the bed at least 2-3 hours earlier than I usually do, and sleeping a full 10-hour night, unlike every day for the last week straight. And this morning, I DO feel much better. But now I know... taking estrogen is not all sunshine and rainbows and shimmering happiness. If you're happy, it will make you more happy. But man... if you're miserable, or depressed, it has the potential to completely destroy you. Looking back on it, I barely had any reason to be upset last night. All that was really wrong was that I was tired. And yet that tiredness spiraled out of control, and this simple little low ended up making me feel as bad as during the worst lows that I have ever had in my entire life. (I can only recall feeling worse TWICE, during my senior years of high school and college, when both times I was working nonstop for 3 weeks or more straight, trying to finish my finals projects.)
So, yeah... for the first 3 days it had been nothing but happiness, but yesterday was downright miserable by the end of the day.
And you know what the stupidest part o
day feeling bad at all. When I woke up, I was still feeling uber-feminine, and feeling that way made me smile, and it was just as good as it had been for the last few days before that... even better, actually. Here's what I wrote in my morning journal:
-"In regards to normal mood this morning, you know the story. It's the same as yesterday. I feel calm, pleasant, very happy, very feminine, and just thinking about various parts of myself transforming to be more feminine makes me feel happy and giddy inside. Same old, same old. And it's still AWESOME, and I'm still having a really hard time seeing how it's even possible that I would ever go back to my old life before estrogen. Anyway, time to get moving... have to leave for work in an hour."
Anyway, that's the emotional part of it. Started the day feeling great, ended it feeling EXTREMELY crappy. So, now on to the physical changes. And yes, there yet again are some definite physical changes starting.
First of all, my erections are definitely a lot softer than they were before. I gave myself an orgasm that morning (took a little more effort than usual, but not much,) and yet the thing never even came close to its usual hardness. The head was maybe at about 60% of its normal hardness at the most, and the bottom part stayed somewhat flexible as well, maybe 70%-80% full. And when I finally climaxed, the resulting fluid was WAY more liquidy than usual. Usually it's thick enough that it's almost like a gel, but this morning it was almost completely liquid. So I suspect that as of now, I'm probably no longer capable of reproduction, even if I shot it right into another girl with no protection whatsoever. (And yes, when I was writing this passage yesterday morning, I really did type "another girl" in, without really thinking about it. It wasn't until I re-read it later that I realized I had just grouped myself in with the girls. But again, I just felt EXTREMELY feminine yesterday morning.)
Also, and this is VERY weird, I feel like my sexual orientation has changed slightly. When I pulled out my guy parts yesterday morning, I actually giggled a little bit on the inside, and playing with them was actually kind of fun in a "wow, this is cool" kind of way, while usually I don't really even think about it, or it even annoys me. And for just the slightest instant, I felt like maybe I wouldn't mind touching a different guy's as much. Usually the thought of even seeing a penis, including my own, repulses me. But today it was actually kind of fun. I am still MUCH more attracted to other girls, but now the thought of other guys isn't quite as repulsive as it usually is. (Okay, so I just referred to myself as both a member of the girls as well as a member of the guys... I guess I'm kind of seeing myself as a member of both genders at the moment.) Anyway, so while my normal sexual orientation is usually somewhere along the lines of 90% straight 10% gay, today it felt more like a 2:1 split, maybe like 67% to 33%. I'm starting to feel a little bit more bisexual. (Side note: hmm... am I really "straight" if I'm still attracted to girls? Or am I, as Eddie Izzard put it, "A lesbian trapped in the body of a man?")
The last physical thing, is once again the muscle thing that I mentioned earlier. My muscles HURT! My upper back and shoulders especially just constantly feel like they've been through strenuous workouts, even though they've barely moved all day, and these sensations were MUCH stronger than they were when they started yesterday. So I can definitely feel that my body's "masculine" muscle groups are starting to break down. And even in the midst of feeling really crappy both physically and emotionally, I still felt EXTREMELY feminine all day. I just felt like my natural movements were becoming more feminine, and I felt like acting more feminine, and even when I was feeling my crappiest, these feminine motions and pains and all of that STILL made me feel really happy and fulfilled inside. So even though this was a really tough night, I'm still feeling fulfilled on this inside. This is RIGHT! All of it is. I don't care if it hurts, it's who I am.
Anyway, I've said enough. That was yesterday, and that was why I didn't post anything last night. I felt really crappy. (And yet through all of that pain I'm still feeling just as convicted as ever.) My next update will still be tonight, once this day is over. (I think I'm going to go wig shopping today... I really feel like dressing like a girl all of a sudden... maybe even in public.)
Lots of love!
(^_−)☆
