Considering Taking A Huge Step...

[littledevil (imported)]

If you guys need some more inspiration in the form of timelines or progression-pics take a look over to http://boards.420chan.org/cd/res/314461.php

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Had a bit of a rough day today...

Something about being back home again, and having my girlfriend back in the house after either she or I had been on vacation for the last week straight, made it really difficult to hold on to my convictions. For some reason, being back around all of the people from work that I know, and back around Jenny, made it really hard for me to feel like my feminine side was still genuine. That shimmering transcendent happiness that I had been feeling for the first few days after I decided to do this trial, it was pretty much completely gone, and I felt like I was right back to the same old dull gray dreary feeling where it feels like every day is going to be the same and nothing is ever going to get better.

I also told Jenny about what I'm planning to do with the upcoming hormone trial, trying to explain it to her as best as I could (she did eventually understand, although she did make one very hurtful remark ("If you want my honest opinion, I think you'd look ugly as a woman.") Gee, thanks for the support, freaking so-called best friend...) And I don't know what it is about being around her, but something about her makes my desires seem fake... and makes it feel like a completely unreachable goal. I went into this entire defeatist attitude of "I'm never going to be a real girl like her," and had to keep drumming up reasons through sheer force of will to convince myself otherwise. It was really hard, though.

More than anything else, I'm just frustrated right now. I want that happiness back, because I miss it so much right now... when I was feeling that happiness, for the first time in my life I was so certain about what I wanted to be, and I was so happy that for the first time ever it was right there within my reach, where now I just feel depressed all over again, wondering what's real and what's not.

The only thing that kept me going today, was when I realized that I still wasn't doubting that I'd like any of the final effects of female hormones... the smooth skin texture, the fat redistribution, the mental changes, breasts, the lessened body hair, the body odor changes, the leaner feminine muscle mass, hair regrowth, potential SRS, I'm looking forward to all of that so much, and would love to have them all so much. The reason why I was having doubts wasn't because of that, it was because it seemed to be such a daunting thing to actually transition. I just had a hard time imagining that it was really possible, in this exact same life that I'm always living, to really do it. It just seems like such a lofty unreachable goal, with so many worries along the way, that it makes me feel tiny, and doubt everything, because I'm so scared about so many things in regards to actually potentially becoming female.

I suppose these doubts are healthy, because they're constantly making me re-evaluate whether I really want to do this or not, but I really REALLY miss that radiant transcendent happiness that I was feeling only a few short days ago, where for the first time in my life everything made sense, and for the first time in my life I finally felt like I was being myself. That is gone now, replaced once again by doubt and fear, and I already miss it so much. I can't go back to this same dull gray dreary feeling... I just can't! What am I going to do? Just this morning I was so happy, so excited, and now in the blink of an eye it's gone.

Maybe I really should talk to a therapist about this instead of going fully DIY. Because right now I just feel really depressed and uncertain about everything, which after such a period of constant shimmering happiness, finally knowing what my gender identity was and finally knowing that I was going to step up and seize the moment and finally do something about it, honestly makes me feel like I'm dead inside.

Or maybe it's time to move out. When I'm by myself, I have almost no qualms about expressing my femininity whatsoever, and it feels so right. But being with Jenny makes me feel like, as punkypink put it, "a worthless she-he-it freak who will never be a worthwhile human being." Being with her makes me so confused, because I still love her and I still have this pent-up masculine reaction when I'm around her that makes my feminine side feel fake, but at the same time I know that I'm not the man that she wants me to be, so it just makes me feel conused.

God, this whole thing is so confusing. I have so many tough decisions in my immediate future that it makes everything feel like this unsolvable labyrinth. I feel like crying right now, but thanks to this dysfunctional male brain of mine, no tears are coming out no matter how miserable I feel. Help? Please?

Any thoughts at all on this matter, no matter how brutally honest, would be GREATLY appreciated.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

I'm so sorry you're feeling badly, Cheetaking..It seems your girlfriends analysis has brought this upon you...Her opinions are shaded heavily by her desires for what she wants you to be..Not necessarily what you want or who you really are...My guess is, she doesn't want you to be any more womanly than you are, possibly less so..

Have you ever had a really deep, honest chat with her respecting these gender issues? And your suggestion of seeing a specialist prior to self administration of hormones could be a good idea...Are you in therapy? These are tough issues to handle on your own..Very complex...Just be yourself...Talk to us..smooches Jackie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

I'm so sorry you're feeling badly, Cheetaking..It seems your girlfriends analysis has brought this upon you...Her opinions are shaded heavily by her desires for what she wants you to be..Not necessarily what you want or who you really are...My guess is, she doesn't want you to be any more womanly than you are, possibly less so..

Have you ever had a really deep, honest chat with her respecting these gender issues? And your suggestion of seeing a specialist prior to self administration of hormones could be a good idea...Are you in therapy? These are tough issues to handle on your own..Very complex...Just be yourself...Talk to us..smooches Jackie

No, you know I really haven't been completely honest with this about her until now. I told her

almost as soon as we started dating

that I had some transsexual desires, but I have never been completely honest about them, I have always downplayed them when I'm talking about them to her. It feels like two conflicting universes... one where I'm seeking to be happy as a normal guy by standing up and being a man and assuming a traditional masculine role involving flattery, spontaneous displays of affection, security, and toughness, and then another completely different universe where the female version of myself lives. And I have always downplayed that female self around her, trying to be the man that I believe I need to be if the two of us are ever to be together. So no, she really does not know or understand just how serious I am about this, because I have always sugar-coated it with stupid things like "but it's okay now," or "don't worry about me," or just making it sound like something that I enjoy fantasizing about but have no desire to follow through with in real life. And at the same time that I was to some degree lying to her about this, I was also lying to myself. I was even able to convince myself that this was true, and have held this mindset for years. Whenever transsexual thoughts came to me, which they always do, I started telling myself "okay, enjoy the fantasy, but remember, you're past that now, and it has to stay a personal fantasy. Don't go too far," putting a cage around my desires. And only now am I realizing how much I was lying to myself. It's not just a fantasy. I DO want a vagina, and I DO wish that I was a girl. And just fantasizing about them isn't enough, because that only leads to perpetual unhappiness due to unrequited desires. And now that videos on the effects of hormones and watching real-life transitions have convinced me that it is indeed possible for me in real life, I can't keep lying to myself. But Jenny doesn't understand this change of mindset. Until tonight, whenever I brought up transsexualism again, she was still probably thinking of my "but it's okay now" or "but it's just a fantasy" or "just because I enjoy it" mindset. And even though we're technically broken up now, I know she still loves me, and I still love her too. And that's probably why she's seeming to be so unsupportive, offering lip-service but really not thinking that this is a good idea.

You know, now that I think about it, I know for sure that she's not okay with this. She's never been okay with my transsexual desires. I've been lying to myself about that too. Now that I think about it, when I started wearing panties full-time, she made fun of me every time that I wore pink. She still teases me whenever I wear feminine underwear prints like polka-dots or flowers, jokingly calling me "Mr. pink underwear." Whenever I talk to her about what it was like going through puberty as a teenager and feeling like it was wrong, she laughs and jokes about it, jokingly saying things like "well, I guess we're just going to have to go cut your balls off then," and asking questions like "WHY do you have tights?" When I wore my pair of leggings around the house. So no... now I realize, she really doesn't understand. She really is still subconsciously trying to get me to just be a normal guy, even though she definitely does try to make a conscious effort to understand.

I feel so stupid. This is all my fault. If I'd have just owned up to this years ago instead of being a coward, I wouldn't be having this problem. Plus I wouldn't have had to drag Jenny into this too. Argh... why does this have to be so confusing? This all seems so perfect, and so definite and certain in my mind and my imagination. But reality truly is a very cruel mistress.

(And I'm so sorry that I keep dumping all of this emotional baggage on everyone here... but this is the only place that I can truly 100% talk about this and know for sure that those listening will understand where I'm coming from. I can't even possibly hope that any non-gender-questioning person in real life could ever truly understand the thoughts that I am having. [By no fault of their own, of course... my lack of understanding of masculine behavior is no different than their lack of understanding of my feminine behavior, so it's not like there's any hard feelings or anything.])

And in regards to the second question, no, I am not currently in therapy. I was when I was back in high school, because Mom suspected that I was depressed, but in the 4 years that I was going to see him I never once mentioned that I felt like a girl trapped in a boy's body. (Again, I feel so stupid. If I had mentioned it, I could have dealt with this as a teenager.) Cost is the main thing holding me back from seeking it out right now, as well as the possibility of the therapist him/herself not even understanding. I have heard MANY horror stories from transsexuals about therapists, about how all they ever did was get in the way and slow down their transitions even further. And I'm scared to death that a therapist would fight against me to not do the hormone trial, because hormones are usually only for people who are 100% sure that they want to transition, while I certainly am not 100% sure yet, but I am indeed 100% sure that I want to try it. If I'm going to pay $100 per hour (1/4 of my weekly paycheck) I want to be damn-well sure that it's going to be worth it.

(Side note: How the hell did I ever survive high school, back when I refused to tell ANYONE about this? God, no wonder I was always so miserable all the time. Actually being able to talk honestly about this, and having people who understand, is such a breath of fresh air. So thanks, everyone, for continuing to listen even though I never shut the hell up. ;p)

[fhunter]

Your story triggered me. I wanted to write it in a separate thread, but postponed it indefinitely... it still felt too raw... Now is probably time.

Similar thing happened this august to me. I was on vacation with a girlfriend (a friend, not a lover), it was totally a group of 6 (me, her, her friend with husband and her friend's parents). Sun, sea, some fun, what one needs more on vacation? May be some peace.

In 12 days I was: asked "if I wanted to be mistaken for a girl", suggested that I sit differently, suggested to "man up" (if I remember correctly), and "choose sides", as in - who I was attracted to, and how I looked. The last one, was a suggestion to try and seduce our tour guide, referring to that he looked gay to her (well, he was good looking to me, but that was not the point). Not to mention, the other things, there were a lot of it...

I quietly endured that, just increasing the distance (you can't fully avoid someone, when you are living in a small hotel), and there is no point in direct confrontation. Damn, I was communicating normally with everyone else in our group.

Like I say, I quietly endured all this, to the day of the return flight. I had not much sleep that night (really early morning flight + pick up from hotel at night)... so, on arriving, I just snapped over a minor thing on her, do not remember exactly, what it was, but I just verbally hit in few sensitive spots. Oh, and now I am the villain here. Damn it.

So, I feel for you, cheetaking243. And understand, what you are feeling.

[foxytaur (imported)]

I'm so sorry cheetaking that your girlfriend did that to you. I'm not much to say anything but rather than getting tangled up with your feelings about transitioning My personal opnion is that now maybe the time.

Whenever my sister tells me I won't pass I up my game a bit more.(gets me more furious and hungry for transition) more cardio, female stretching exercises need work, and eat less. Soon ill have a part time job to buy nothing more than antiandrogens and my two most important supplements. Krill oil(btw very good for trans folk as it really prevents clots by making them stick less and really awesome for mitchondria and telomere protection) and astaxanin.This along with my persistent LOW GI diet.

My sister has something coming for her.

Remember folks she who laughs last laughs best.Karma can be a bitch

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Posting my thoughts on here, and responding to everyone's suggestions, has really helped me to sort out my thoughts on this matter.

I've realized that the problem was that I still viewed her as my girlfriend. And whenever I looked at her with affection, I had this kind of gut reaction where I felt the need to act more masculine for her. (She officially "broke up" with me about a month ago because she was unsatisfied with our relationship, but I still hadn't mentally broken up with her.) So the answer to this, was that I needed to do the same thing... I needed to accept that we were broken up, quit viewing her as my girlfriend or my potential future wife, and just start seeing her as a good friend, the same kind of friend as my old female friends Jennifer, Kaitlin, Lauren, and the like... no attraction, no thoughts of romance, just a friend.

It's kind of hard to reverse 6 years of learned behaviors, because I'm so used to trying to impress her all the time, and so used to random displays of affection and seeing her around the house in her underwear, so trying to eliminate that level of physical closeness and start thinking about what I would think if it was another girl that I was just friends with doing that, or one of my guy friends, it's a hard habit to break. But one that's necessary. I'm 100% convicted in my head that I have to go through with this hormone trial and potential gender transition if I really do like it, so I've decided that I can't let my feelings for her get in the way. I can't have my cake and eat it too. It's one or the other. Either she's still my girlfriend and I'm still a guy, or I'm a girl and she's just like my BFF. She's not a lesbian, so the two cannot live harmoniously.

And I told her all of this, and she did truly understand this time. I explained what the effects of the hormones would be, and she jokingly said "sounds like you're going to be like me for a while. Well then I'll support you. As a woman, I'm used to these things, you know..." and I said that maybe that is the best way to think about it... to ignore my physical gender and just treat me as if I was a friend of the same sex.

I still need to adjust my own mindset a bit, because 6 years of loving instincts are a hard thing to erase that quickly, but now it's done, and my convictions started returning as strong as ever once I finally decided to just see her as a good friend, and she finally started really understanding that I was serious about this. No, it's not an easy thing to do, but a necessary one. My relationship with Jenny was pretty much the last significant obstacle that was stopping me from fully adopting a female gender identity. But now that I'm just seeing her as a friend, I'm free to experiment as I see fit. Again, it's a hard thing to accept, but I've realized now that the potential of FINALLY being happy with myself, and expressing who I am, are going to have to take top priority over any potential romantic relationships. Because even when I was at my happiest with Jenny, the gender identity issue still didn't go away, it was just easier to ignore it. And the last thing that I want is to, 20 years from now, suddenly decide that I can't hide my gender identity anymore and suddenly end up as one of those transsexual women with full families who has to lose everything and go through an ugly family drama in order to do it. I couldn't do that to her, and I couldn't do that to myself. So this is for the best. As much as I don't like it, it's one or the other. Not both. And I know for sure that right now, discovering my own identity is the more important dream to follow, with the greater potential for happiness. So unfortunately, the decision had to be made.

(Side note: I REALLY wish I could just change my voice at will right now. That would make this a whole lot easier. Because I know in her head, whenever I speak with my normal voice, she hears something that's mentally identifying me with my physical gender instead of my true one, and it pulls me right back down when I think about other people thinking of me as a guy. So I've now reached a point in my gender identity where, for the first time in years, my voice feels wrong again.)

[corningman (imported)]

You know how I said I might not have to post anything else until the actual trial started, because I felt like I'd gone as far as I could go conviction-wise?

Well, you can throw that right out the window, because I have yet another long angry rant/epiphany to follow.

Tonight was one of the worst nights of my entire life in terms of how I felt about my gender. Before tonight, I had actually been thinking in the back of my mind somewhere "you know, if I can feel this unbelievably happy with myself just by deciding to go on hormones, maybe I really don't need them in the first place. Maybe I just needed to be honest with myself." But after tonight, you can officially throw that theory out the window.

Tonight was the rehearsal dinner/party for my childhood friend Sean's wedding (which is tomorrow.)

You know, it's so easy for me to forget how little I have in common with other guys my age, until I'm absolutely surrounded by them. Sean is a Navy guy, and a bunch of his friends were at this party.

This ended up being a scene straight out of one of my stories. It was the first time in a long time that I had glimpsed "boy world" again, where the whole point of life is to look tough and macho, emotionally-stoic, and show off how tough and macho you are to just about every single one of your friends.

So there all these guys were, sitting and dicking around with each-other with jokes and constant swearing, drinking way more beer than they needed to, in general having that tough "swagger" about them in the way they presented themselves, lumbering around as they walked, making broad gestures with everything, striking "dude" poses for the cameras, making rude remarks and dirty jokes, and talking in a way that was confident and tough and loud.

And as all of this was going on around me, there was little old me sitting there in one of the chairs introspectively, playing with the ends of my fingers in a shy feminine manner, legs close together, just feeling like a wallflower instead of an active participant. Every thing they said, every way they acted, it felt so alien to me. And I noticed that there was pretty much nothing even remotely masculine about my mannerisms. I walked like the women, I talked like the women, I sat and behaved like the women, and I pretty much didn't have ANY of those broad masculine gestures or behaviors in me. I didn't feel like acting like a "bro" like the other guys, I just felt like having pleasant conversations with the people who I knew there. And this is what most of the women at this party were doing, while the guys were out dicking around and being all macho.

I just felt so wrong as it was going on. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like a girl... not just a feminine guy, not just a guy who wanted to be a girl, but a girl. My mannerisms, and my natural inclination toward behavior, and the things that I actually felt like I understood the logic and the thought process behind as I watched others, they aren't like a guy at all. They're unmistakably feminine. And I couldn't help but once again start thinking about how much more I would feel like myself if I could be a girl. I felt like playing with the kids who were there, or carrying a cute kitten around, something like that. Or even acting cute... just smiling and keeping my arms pointed in, and adding an occasional remark or a sweet laugh when the guys crack jokes, then talking to the other girls on the side. THAT was what I felt like was right. It was what my personality wanted to do right then.

Not to mention, every time my mom took a picture it felt like such a huge let-down. I always looked so awful. That fatty masculine jaw, I hate it. My thick eyebrows that cover up my eyes when I smile, I hate them. My fatty stocky frame that makes me look like some kind of big lumbering animal most of the time, I really hate it. I couldn't stop imagining myself as a girl, and how much happier that would make me feel about myself. When my picture was being taken, I wanted to do cute poses, I wanted my smile to shine, and I wanted to look radiant and happy and like I had a personality. But with every picture, despite thinking that I was giving a bright smile and a happy pose, the feeling that I had inside was pretty much 100% different than the picture that eventually turned out. In all of them, I looked masculine, not the least bit cute, my smile didn't radiate at all, my eyes looked closed, and my smile looked emotionless and fake every single time. I really had that sense that what I have on the outside doesn't match what I have on the inside.

Again, this was like a scene straight out of one of my stories. And I felt just as miserable as the characters in my stories all over again. All night, I felt like crying. I felt like going outside and screaming. I felt like doing ANYTHING that could get rid of that knotted pit in my stomach that kept telling me that this was all wrong, and that I couldn't keep on living like this. It's that kind of feeling that I only get when I watch other guys my age, and watch their behavior, and I realize how much I'm different from them.

I've realized... I'm not just some abnormal guy who likes feminine things, I'm not just a guy who dreams about being a girl, and I'm not just girlish. I AM a girl. Everything about my life that is even remotely masculine in terms of how I present myself, it feels wrong. And everything about the way that the girls act, and the girls present themselves, feels like the way that I naturally want to behave. It's so easy to forget when I'm just going about my normal life, always around my girlfriend and all of her friends, and really don't have much masculinity around me. But now that I've once again had it right there in front of me, it's made me realize just how different I am from them, and how I really am not even a part of that world. It's an alien landscape to me. I have never understood masculine behavior, and never will. I do understand feminine behavior, and that is what I naturally want to act like myself. It's true. I was born in the wrong body. I'm not a guy who would rather have a vagina than a penis, I'm a girl just happens to be 6'3" tall and was born with a penis.

So, yeah, this was NOT a fun day. For better or for worse, though, I'm now certain of what my gender identity is... a girl. I'm still on the brink of crying right now as I imagine the terrible feelings of gender wrongness that I experienced tonight. No doubt, if I was taking female hormones right now, I would be bawling my eyes out. (And I WANT to! God, it feels so right when I actually cry when things are bothering me, and so wrong when I feel the pain and feel the tears welling up but nothing comes out.) I haven't felt so miserable in a very long time. For better or for worse, though, now I definitely know that no, I'm not ever going to be truly happy unless I change my gender. Just when I thought that everything was perfect, that maybe this wasn't such a big deal after all, and that maybe I could be on cloud nine regardless of what was between my legs, this party completely kicked me smack in the ass, sending me flying off that cloud so quickly that I didn't even know what hit me. So I suppose maybe on some deep level I'm happy to be feeling this way right now, because it is definitely yet another important step to understanding who I truly am, but by God this was one hell of a painful night. I pray to God that I never have to feel this miserable again as long as I live.

Okay, that's finally it. If you're still reading this, thanks for putting up with my complaining. I love you guys!

-from Carrie/whatever.

P.S....

HumanFly - thank God that's not true anymore. Because I'm not like that at all. I still like sports, I still like geeky fanboy/fangirlish interests, and I have no intention whatsoever of turning my life into a glamorous pink frilly cavalcade. At heart, I'm definitely more of a sensible midwestern girl type. Still unmistakably a girl at heart, but definitely not adhering to strict cultural femininity expectations.

corningman - Thanks for the link. I've never been a member of a Yahoo group before. Is it a good place?

Yes, this a very good place for all kinds of help, friendship,information. I hope this helps you.

Dee

[erikboy (imported)]

If possible I would suggest you to work out the solution by yourself. Of my experience professionals are of no use only giving you answers you already know and spending your money on useless information. The only use might be that you can get reassurance from them. Modern times there is plenty of information available on the net. There are plenty of medical publications and surveys and opinions. And the final decision actually lies inside you.

Your dilemma is between trading between your (social) security and personal happyness. While both affect each other. As you can't be very happy being socially disconnected or disowned. But there are many other views too. You are young enough to move to a completely different location and start everything from zero then you are not affected by existing relations.

At the end you have to choose sides. Also, if you do not change anything, it is also a choice. Whether intentional or not.

I have been passive in my choices and that has defined my life. Though few intentional choices I have made, have been very well worked through and I am 100% happy about decisions I've made. But the aim is not be 100% happy. 90% happy is also much better than 30% happy.

Just my few thoughts

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Oh my God, what an AMAZING day!

I took everyone's advice, and decided that it was time to do some more soul-searching and look to see what others who were once in the same position as me were thinking, and what they decided. Because I realized, I've pretty much been completely going this alone for my entire life. And aside from a few news stories, I've never really seriously looked into discovering what leads most transsexual women to finally go for it in the first place... never really looked into how to know if I really am transsexual or not. And because of this, I allowed constant doubt to get the best of me, because I never had anything to compare it to other than a few brief interviews where the now-girls always said something along the lines of "I always wanted to," or "I always knew." So for the longest time, I was so confused because I wasn't sure if, maybe because my transsexual thoughts really didn't start until I was a teenager, or maybe because I actually was able to successfully ignore them for a period of several year

s when I fell in love for the first time,

or maybe because I was still having doubts in the first place, that this meant I was somehow less of a transsexual than the ones who I always hear about actually going through with it.

I spent all night last night doing all the research on the topic that I could possibly cram into my confused little brain. The most amazing article that I found on the matter was the following one: http://heartcorps.com/journeys/beginner ... o-tell.htm It was so reassuring to know that no, just because I hadn't done anything about it, that didn't invalidate my feelings, and no, just because I was successful at hiding it for many years, that does not mean anything either. Because there are actually quite a number of people like me who live relatively normal lives, and only later in life finally get the drive to follow their desires after a life long of questioning it. That was a big relief.

Later in the article, there was a series of questions. A checklist, if you will, of common thoughts and behaviors that transsexuals report having. And this absolutely opened my eyes, so I'm going to reprint them one by one here, and respond to them. I was shocked when I matched not just a couple of them, but ALL of them.

1. For kids with serious gender disorders, they usually feel that other kids of their sex think in ways they can't comprehend. This usually gets worse throughout the school years.

-Check. As a kid, I always had girls as best friends. And when I watched the video tape of my 9th birthday a while ago as research for my "Me and My Best Friend" story, I vividly recalled how little I understood a lot of the boys' behaviors, especially the more rowdy and aggressive boys like Seth from the story. And I never understood why other boys had such a severe aversion to girls. I didn't quite "get" the girly-girls either, but I really did "get" the more girl-next-door types, which was the realm where pretty much all of my best friends from childhood came from. And it did get worse and worse as the years went on, escalating to the point where I finally started feeling more like a girl than a boy in middle school, to downright bitter hatred of members of my own gender by high school.

2. Can you recall times in which (in retrospect) you naturally acted more like a member of the opposite sex when you were a child?

-Check. Especially verified after my recent conversation with Mom, where she told me that I was always more like a girl than a boy behaviorally. I did like boyish things (not counting uber-boyish things like war games and action shows,) but my actual behavior was unmistakably much more feminine... Mom's friend Karen, who had a boy the exact same age as me, was always surprised how much more well-behaved I was than her son. My problem was never mischief like the other boys, it was being bratty. Overall, I had closer friends, I engaged in quieter more intricate play rather than being wild and rambunctious, I never had that much boyish energy, and I was much more reserved and well-behaved than other boys. This question, admittedly, isn't quite as pronounced for me as the first one, but these things were definitely still there.

3. As a child, did you ever yearn for things appropriate to the opposite sex?

-A few times, although again this wasn't quite as severe as I would normally think would be associated with someone actually being "a girl trapped in a boy's body," which was what I assumed transsexualism had to be. In my case, the things that were "appropriate" for the opposite sex that I wasn't allowed to do were: the "ribbon dancer" toy. I loved that thing, and I was completely shocked when I found out that it was supposed to be a girls' toy. Also, gymnastics. Even as a little kid, I always was fascinated by women's gymnastics, and imagined myself doing what they did, while I thought that men's gymnastics just looked painful.

What really shocked me about this question, though, was the following quote which was in the description: "And while we're on the subject, ask yourself if you ever lost the urge to cross dress for perhaps years at a time. Most cross dressers never lose the urge. Many transsexuals do lose the urge if their lives are going well. Makes the role fit better, so the dysphoria diminishes." YES, YES, YES, that is EXACTLY what happened to me! When I started getting into religion, and

fell in love for the first time,

my life started going well, and so I actually was able to stop doing things like penis-taping and using female names on the internet. So I'm not crazy! Yay!

4. Looking back, have you been closer in your feelings toward your male or female relatives?

-As a kid, not really. Both Mom and Dad had their moments, but I really can't say that I was closer to either of them. I pretty much had no close relatives aside from them, though, so this question mentions "mother, aunts, and grandma," the later two of which I only saw once or twice a year. Plus I didn't have any brothers or sisters, so I'm not sure if my family situation is quite right for what this question's asking. In recent years, though, this is definitely true. I have become so close to my mom in recent years that it shocked me. We talk about EVERYTHING now, and when I'm talking to her the conversations just naturally flows and feels "right." While with my dad and my uncle, the most I ever get out of them is maybe like a 10-minute conversation with a lot of awkward silences because I just don't know what to talk to them about. I just don't feel close to them at all compared to Mom.

5. Have you had lifelong fantasies of becoming female?

(If so, you are either a cross-dresser, transgendered, or transsexual. All people occasionally fantasize about being the other sex. But for it to be a lifelong fantasy, especially to the exclusion of other sexual fantasies, well that pretty well speaks for itself, especially if the fantasies started before puberty. In such a case you are far more likely to be transgendered or transsexual than anything else.)

-Yes. My envy for the female gender started when I was 13, about a year before I really entered puberty full-on. And ever since then, it has indeed been a lifelong fantasy, even to the exclusion of actual normal sexual fantasies (to this day, I don't quite get what most men define as normal attraction... it's imagining that I AM that girl, and what she's feeling, rather than looking at her and imagining having sex with her as a guy, that gets me turned on.) And also no, this is not just something that I think about now and then, it's something that I have ALWAYS thought about, even during the period that I stopped actually allowing myself to indulge the fantasies by tucking and cross-dressing.

6. Do you have to be on guard all the time to prevent yourself from falling into feminine poses and movements?

(Crossdressers tend to naturally move, pose, and act masculinely. When dressed, they have to make an intentional effort to act in a feminine manner. Men who are transgendered tend to fall automatically into feminine poses and movements all of their lives, even back in school.)

-YES! This part of the question specifically mentioned constantly putting your hands on your hips, which is something that I do all the time, and many people have called me out on. I also was a big leg-crosser in 7th and 8th grade, which my peers in TBCC constantly bothered me about because "guys aren't supposed to do that." I've also definitely noticed that my walk is much more upright than most guys. I don't lumber around quite as much. And my hand gestures are much more introverted, demure, and limp-wristed rather than broad and powerful like most guys'.

Here is what was the biggest one of all for me:

7. Do you have any physical characteristics that are far too female to be normal?

a.) Smallish hands

-YES. I'm 6'2" tall, and a guy, but my hands are the same size as my girlfriend's, who is only 5'6". When I was working as a prep cook at TGI Friday's, I wore a freaking medium-sized glove. And again, I'm over 6' tall. Compared to anyone else my height and gender, my hands are absolutely TINY.

b.) Narrow delicate bones overall

-This one completely shocked me. I have assumed for my entire life that I was big-boned, mainly because of how stocky I look on my top half, but I had actually never looked into this before. So I decided to do an internet search to see how I could find out whether I was small-framed or big-framed. The answer, it turns out, is in the wrists and the elbows. And wouldn't you know it, after a lifetime of thinking that I was big-boned, it turns out that I'm not. My wrists were only 7" in circumference, while the average guy's my height is 7.45." And my elbow breadth was only 2.75 inches. Both of these numbers put me on the cusp between "small-framed" and "medium-framed." I was absolutely shocked. So it turns out, this really is true, after a lifetime of assuming that a gender transition would never work because I had always assumed that I had big bones, I really don't. All of my heft is muscle and fat. And that means that, with hormones and some SIGNIFICANT weight loss, I might actually have the potential to not just look passable, but actually have a rockin' bod! Seems impossible from my current vantage point, but... wow... it's possible!

c.) Wide pelvis compared to shoulders

-Check. My pelvis measured 18" from bone-to-bone, while my shoulder bones measured about 17". Not a huge difference, but it is indeed wider.

d.) Narrow shoulders compared to men

-Check. Average male shoulder width is about 50 cm, or 19.7". Mine measured just over 18", which is definitely small when you consider that I'm 4 inches taller than the average man.

e.) Ring finger and index finger same length (Men generally have a longer ring finger.)

-Check. And in fact, my index finger is actually about a millimeter longer. This one was really shocking when I researched it. I'd never heard of this before, but apparently it's been confirmed in peer-reviewed studies that this 2D:4D finger ratio correlates perfectly with testosterone levels and penis size.

f.) Elbows. If you let your arms hang down by your sides and face your palms forward, male physical arms will be almost straight line from shoulder to wrist. Female arms will be straight down to the elbow, but then the arms angle outward, away from the body at about a thirty degree angle.

-Wow... I could never have imagined this. But it turns out, my arms fit this absolutely perfectly. Not only did they angle out, but it was at almost exactly a 30-degree angle, and I couldn't make them go straight no matter how much I tried to. Apparently this arm configuration is what makes women "throw like girls," and take their t-shirts off in a different way than men, and able to hold babies against their breasts while still supporting the head. And apparently I've had this feminine arm configuration my entire life, and never even knew about it. It all makes sense now. No wonder I could never throw a baseball right.

g.)Crossing of legs. We can all cross our legs, but can you double-cross them? In other words, after you cross your legs, can you then tuck your ankle around again, under the ankle of the leg on the bottom?

-Yet again, check. I really can do this, despite having very large legs that you wouldn't think could contort like that. Good God, so that means I fit the description of EVERY SINGLE ONE of the body parts that are "too female to be normal." Freaking hell...

Also, thanks to this research binge, I learned the difference between transsexual and transgendered. (Transsexuals are those who feel like their body should be the one of the opposite sex, while transgendered individuals are the ones who feel like their mind is that of the opposite sex. I hadn't known before that you could be one but not the other.)

So with all of this in mind, I know who I am a lot better. And with every single account of transsexual people that I've been reading, where the trans-girls are talking about what their lives before transition were like, the more I realize "Oh my God, that's me!!!" And so I have reached an official determination. I now know for sure, I am indeed a transsexual. Because I have ALWAYS felt like my body should be a girl's, and felt like having a male body was wrong. This has been going on continuously, and has never stopped, and has never had any doubt whatsoever in my mind, as long as I have been conscious since the age of about 13. So now I know that for sure. What I still don't quite know, though, is whether I am also transgendered or not. Because that is what I am having doubts about, and although there are definitely a lot of elements of the female gender role that I know I would absolutely love better, I do still have a lot of masculine tendencies in my mind too, and there are some things that I might miss. So in regards to transsexualism, I am now 100% sure that I am indeed a transsexual. The sooner I can have feminine skin and curves and breasts and a vagina, the better, and I would have no regrets or doubts about it whatsoever. That matter is settled. I'm doing it. But I'm still only about 60% sure that I'm transgendered. Maybe the hormones will finally help me determine this, but for now I'm still having some reasonable doubts that are keeping me from fully embracing it.

Also... UPDATE!!! I officially just got my first shipment of pills, androcur and finasteride, in the mail today! And that means that the E patches will probably be arriving tomorrow. So guess what? It's time!!! As of tomorrow, my new life is officially going to begin! It's finally time!!!!!! I'm so excited!

(Side note: I felt MUCH, MUCH, MUCH, 100% better today. I was right back to feeling transcendentally happy, on cloud nine, my brain feeling happier and more alert and awake than it has ever been. I had such a sense of inner peace, and such a sense of self and knowing who I am, it just made this entire day an absolute delight. So whatever it was that was making me depressed and uncertain for the last 2 days, I'm over it now. I finally feel like I know who I am and exactly what I want. I am a transsexual, I want a female body, and whether that means officially changing genders or not in order to get it, I don't care anymore. It's worth whatever consequence if it means getting a body that I'd actually be comfortable with for the first time in my entire life.)

That's all for now, and this is officially the last significant post that I'll make in this thread. Tomorrow, I will be launching a brand new "Cheetaking243's Official Hormone Trial" thread, since it will no longer be "considering" taking a huge step, it will be about actually taking that huge step.

Thank you so much... SO SO much, to everyone who has been reading this thread, putting up with my constant over-indulgent bitching and violent mood swings on the matter, and gave me the advice that I needed to finally reach this conclusion, and know who I am, and know for sure that I am indeed a transsexual. I cannot express my gratitude fully enough!

-Much love, from Carrie/whatever.