Considering Taking A Huge Step...

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

^^No, erikboy, I know I'm not making an informed and clear decision right now. I know that I don't fully know who I am. But I also do know for sure that I've always been unhappy with myself, and that I hate the parts of myself that look masculine. And now for the first time, I'm not feeling a sense of "it's okay, I still have my whole lifetime to decide," I really feel a sense that my time is up. For the first time in my life, I'm starting to see the effects of aging. My face is getting more bony and less plush and boyish, my body hair is getting thicker and coarser with every year, my head-hair is getting thinner, and I'm slowly starting more and more to resemble my uncle. I realize that there is still a chance now to see if it's what I really want, and still be happy with the results, while if I wait any longer my chances of success drop immensely. So although I am not sure if it's really what I want or not, it's now or never. Better to have lived and failed but known for sure, rather than to have lived never knowing and always wondering what would have happened if I had tried. So I really do think it's worth going for a 1-month trial run. (Side note: this is the first time I have EVER felt this way. My mindset has always been "it's too late" up until a couple of weeks ago.)

^You know, foxy, I'm not really expecting anything. I'd be perfectly happy if I don't get breasts, or my face doesn't quite become what I expected, or if my body shape barely changes during this trial. I truly believe that I will enjoy any degree of feminization. It will be a great relief... like expressing a part of myself that I have kept pent-up for 15 years. I LOVE feeling my soft skin after shaving my legs, and I LOVE having a smooth face, and I still love singing in the falsetto range even though it doesn't sound very good anymore. Everything that I do to experience that feeling of being more feminine, it makes me feel happy inside. So that is why I am tempted to take estrogen too... because I'm almost positive that I will enjoy the effects, even if I decide not to go the whole way.

[foxytaur (imported)]

I only care about my face and hair everywhere across my body.(a female body type to some degree but remember Im pear shaped) asides from that anything is bonus. After all this is what staying in shades of grey is all about.

I really am Bigender. I know it.

If I end up a cute tomboy id be set ^ ^

NB = If I end up a smokin hot chick ... ^ ^. I'll still blend myself with a girly and boyish realm of interests.

Screw victoria secret, reality tv shows, soap operas(yuck) and those silly stick figures aka twiggies

across some catwalks(Im actually glad theyre banning anorexic females from entering competitions)

Belch........

NB = I don't know why but ive always had a very rebelious girly attitude way of dealing with things my entire life. I hate the way how womanhood is being potrayed in most films and media.To be conveyed as an utterly weak(vomit) creature incapable of being tough

Not this tough cookie.

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

I feel a lot the same way. I'm definitely not very girly. I still like sports, and I hate the beauty industry with a fiery passion, as well as the restrictive nature of traditional femininity. Honestly, when I imagine myself as a girl, it's more of the geeky type, with fangirlish interests and nerdy loves, dorking around with my friends. I guess to some degree it's the freedom that I want. I want to be able to decide for myself whether I feel like being cute, bubbly, pretty, and feminine, or whether I'm feeling awesome and feeling like kicking butt and taking names. As a guy, I really can't do that. As a girl, I could. I actually have always really identified with "awesome" girls like athletes and rockers and the like... girls who kick butt and take names and look great doing it. So while I'm not 100% girl, being a girl would indeed allow me to be 100% myself instead of only about 50%.

Side note: God, I feel so happy right now, and I don't know why. For some reason, thinking about this has just made me filled with energy, and happy, and bubbly, the likes of which I haven't been in a really long time... years even. What's going on here?

[foxytaur (imported)]

Er mah gerd!!!!!!!!; Nerdgasm!!!!!!!!!

Wonder twin dork powers activate!!!!!!!

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Update:

I've reached a decision on the estrogen matter.

The more I've thought about it, the more I feel like going for it all. I'm tired of pussyfooting around, and I'm tired of being afraid. So my final decision is, I'm going to dive in head first and go for absolutely everything... andro, finasteride, and estrogen patches. One month of a complete feminization package, and then I'll finally know for sure whether I really want to go further or not.

The more I read into this, the more I look into the effects of taking estrogen, the more I'm sure that it's what I want to try, and the more I'm excited about this.

For some reason, for the last two days, I've been feeling happier than I have been in YEARS. (Honestly, the last time I was this happy was when I fell in love for the first time.) It feels like all this time that I have been lallygagging around with a defeatist attitude, too cowardly to try this even though somewhere deep down I have always known that I wanted to, it feels like I have been living in some kind of gray bland fog. Now it feels like I am awake, and seeing all the colors of the rainbow again for the first time in years. I have ALWAYS felt that bland gray-fog kind of feeling, where I just kind of slogged through life, riding the ups and downs, trying to put up with my transsexual desires but always shoving them off to the side, and never feeling truly happy with myself. It's been like that ever since I became a teenager. And the more I read, the more I see stories of other trans-girls who felt the exact same way, and then said that taking estrogen was like a revelation... like for the first time in their lives, they felt like they were in control and could think clearly, and had a true sense of self.

I have decided that the prospect of possibly experiencing this, the possibility that there is in fact hope out there that I might escape from the "gray drear" feeling and finally feel like my true self, a feeling that I have not felt since I was THIRTEEN years old, is such an amazing potential reward, which I have longed for for so long, that I'd be crazy not to at least try it. And the potential risks are looking less and less important to me compared to the prospect of finally achieving a true sense of self.

For the first time in my life, I no longer feel dominated by fear. For the first time, I feel ready to stand up for myself and say "this is who I am. Deal with it." I truly believe that now, I am ready. One week from now, it begins. It's time for a change.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

I've been reading this thread and felt I might comment..I've been taking a low dosage of Spiro (50 mgs daily) and 4 mgs daily of estrofem for about 7 months now...I have encountered some shortness of breath and a bit of weakness, but the positives (little breasts, big nipples, reduced body hair courseness and growth) are worth it.

I am also prescribed finasteride, 5 Mgs daily for prostate issues, which fits right into this regimen..The reason for the small dosage of spiro is that I'm on a blood pressure reducing drug, and the 100-200 mg daily dosage made me light headed at times, and I'm assuming it was due to low BP..No probs on the lower dosage...Just ordered another 5 month supply of estrofem...By the wya...the age issue..I'm 67 years old...Never to old to follow your heart, it would seem..Good luck, be careful smooches Jackie

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

Thanks for the support!

What I really can't wait for is the prospect of soft skin with more feminine fat distribution and softer body hair. I've always envied that, always wanted it, and felt like my tough male shape isn't quite right. Plus, as I've mentioned, the whole possibility of my brain finally achieving "clarity of mind" and actually feeling like it belongs with my body is the other big plus for me. Plus the possibility of a more feminine facial structure and hair regrowth. Breasts, well, I'll admit, unless I decide that I'm going all the way, I'm still a bit unsure about. It's kind of one of those conundrums where I personally would love to have them, because I just love the way they look and feel, and I love having relatively large "man boobs" already (I'm actually able to comfortably wear a B-cup already, which is pretty big considering that I'm not that much overweight, around 250 lbs,) but I am indeed a bit afraid of what people at the nudist camp might think. Especially since, again, I have pretty big man boobs already, so if I really decide to go full-time with this, they'd probably grow like blimps.

And it's one of those situations where I'm telling myself "who cares? If you like them, then why is it anyone else's business?" and I know it's true, but I'm still fighting against my years of ingrained behavior where I'm so used to not doing anything that might offend anyone. So this is indeed a big step.

I actually had kind of an epiphany about this yesterday, though. I kind of have this running joke with myself that every single time I wear pink underwear to work, it seems like something bad happens to me at work that day. For the longest time, I was wondering if it was a sign from God that I was supposed to quit it, even though at the same time when I was in prayer I was feeling more and more like He was telling me to learn to stand up for myself and allow myself to explore this more. But yesterday, I wore them again, and a couple of bad things still happened that usually would have made me upset and usually would have gotten me in that same grouchy "why me?" attitude, but because I was so happy and so excited due to finally deciding to do this trial run, the things that happened didn't even phase me. I still felt happy even after they happened. So I kind of realized, God wasn't punishing me for wearing the pink underwear, He was using it to teach me something. That no, life is not going to be perfect. When I stand up for myself and do what I feel is right, there are going to be hardships, many of them actually brought on by it. But if it makes me happy, and if I am in that "At peace with the world" mindset like I was yesterday, those hardships won't even phase me like they usually do. So that prospect of finally being happy with myself, it is worth fighting for.

And again, I'm not used to thinking like this. I've spent my entire life immediately dismissing my true desires because I was always afraid of offending others. But now I'm ready to stand up and take a chance at true happiness, a happiness that can pull my state of mind up so high that it overrides any judgmental gazes, wheras if I keep suppressing it, it's just going to be more of the same... years and years of a dull grey nothingness where I'm never truly happy with myself.

So yeah, like I said, I truly believe I am ready now.

[foxytaur (imported)]

YAY!!!!!!;I'll be following hrt soon hopefully cheetaking . I just need to finsh this stupid college program. For now gotta find a small part time job to pay for anti-androgens and therapy sessions.

Real happy for you cheetaking, I hope you achieve your dreams and excel in them

[cheetaking243 (imported)]

You know how sometimes right before you're about to make a big decision, it just doesn't feel right, and you can't imagine it, and you're filled with doubts and uncertainty? And contrariwise, you know how sometimes it feels like the universe is aligning in just the perfect way to tell you that something is the right thing to do, giving you little signs of encouragement to constantly make you feel like this is truly is your destiny?

Well, the last three days have definitely been an absolutely huge case of feeling like the universe is aligning just perfectly.

As SOON as I decided to do this, I started feeling overwhelmed with happiness and excitement. The day after, for the first time, I started being able to see what I might actually look like as a woman. Before this, it was always a completely unrealistic picture, where I only saw a shorter, cuter girl as the self that I longed for, but suddenly that day it just all clicked and I could actually see and feel for the first time a vision of what I might realistically look like and be able to act like and present myself as. Suddenly, I started having these "flashes," where suddenly this strange new feminine feeling, out of nowhere, would wash over me, and suddenly out of the blue I understood what certain things would be like, and could see myself doing them. Like suddenly one minute I would be looking down at myself and then all of a sudden I would feel this strange feminine feeling where I could imagine myself with breasts, and imagine myself hairless, and imagine myself with a feminine shape and feminine hands, could almost see what everything would look like, and it felt "right" for the first time rather than just "that would be nice." All week, I've been feeling this whenever I look at myself. I can feel how my personality would adjust, I can feel how my body would slowly adjust, and it feels so real when those feelings come. Things like this have been happening all week. Hell, it almost feels like I'm changing already even though I have yet to take a single pill or patch.

The big one, though, was last night, when I was calling my mom and my uncle. Before talking to them, I was worrying what the two of them might think about this, and I was actually a bit afraid. That "good girl" mindset where I was so afraid of their disapproval was bothering me. But then we talked. First, I was talking to Mom, and then all of a sudden without even mentioning a darned thing about this, she suddenly casually started talking about how an old family friend was gay. And she was so casual about it. Suddenly I had the confidence to tell her about this. And I even knew exactly how I wanted to do it, while I'm visiting her in Florida next week. And I'm not afraid anymore about what she'll think. I know now that she'll be fine with it, and be supportive and helpful the whole way through. My fear evaporated. And then a few minutes later, I talked to my uncle on the phone. I was absolutely petrified of what he might think, because he's always on my case when I'm not succeeding completely, and always telling me to "broaden my horizons" no matter what I'm studying or working. But then, while I was talking to him, completely out of nowhere, while we were talking about my relationship situation, he started talking to me about "learning to be myself," and "learning what I want in life," and "learning who I am." And suddenly, for the first time, I knew that he would understand too.

I was absolutely crying after that, because I realized how stupid I was. I spent my entire teenage life telling myself "nobody will ever understand," and burying myself in a pool of unfulfillable self-misery over the gender thing. Where now, so close to actually doing it, I have now realized that I couldn't have been more wrong. EVERYONE will understand. In reality, I couldn't have asked for a more understanding and loving family. And if I had just come out with this years ago, I wouldn't have had to suffer through all the years of isolation and self-loathing that just about killed me at one point. On the contrary. They could have helped. And I would have been able to follow my dreams and be truly happy years ago. I've been so stupid. And I only now realize that.

Also, there have been some really stupid random coincidences, like just now my girlfriend was channel-surfing and the remote died right as she had turned on a movie involving a guy dressed in drag, or randomly hearing people chatting about transsexualism in the background at work for no adequately-explained reason, and random moments where I just feel like the universe is talking to me, telling me more and more every day that this is what I was supposed to do all along. As a whole, this week has been an absolute revelation, and I really do feel like the stars are aligning to tell me that this is my destiny, and to neither doubt nor fear. Everything will be okay, and now is the time.

I can't wait until January 7th. That is the day that finally, for better or for worse, I will officially start the journey to knowing who I am for the first time in my adult life.

[foxytaur (imported)]

I took the plunge by telling my father just a few days ago and he was pretty calm about it like I mentioned earlier.

I really on't know what made me so afraid however I think it was bc my father does present himself to be a overtly masculine figure.(a wominizer)

But then again hes also incredibly immature and has exposed himself to too much western culture. He said it himself. "Son if you want to be a trap , go ahead I ain't gonna judge but don't come crying prodigal son if this turn out to be a great mistake."

Your better than that. I raised you to not have doubt about yourself.

He literally told me he's seen lots of fucked up shit in his life(including a lady getting screwed by a horse)

Apparently also he and his buddies back in his college days spied on his hot proffesor getting screwed by a rottweiler. lmao

He did forewarn to keep it away from my mother.

Its not that he doesnt love me but he wants to see that I stand out as a winner hence the tough love he has for me.

As for my mom he told me shes liable to commit suicide.

NB = somehow I actually belive my mom is capable of such a thing as killing herself but honestly i really dont care. It hurts , it really does but I can't live bound by her forever. The guilt does stem however from fact that she raised me and worked her ass off to offer me an education.