My story and my salvation

[Darkness_Burn (imported)]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post and my first step towards what I call "My lost life" trying finding it and having it back. Because, ever since I grew up, my life took a turn to the worst. I am lost for 6 to 7 years now. I never knew what I was about or what got into me. I thought everything was normal, everything will be fixed by its own. I had a very unusual childhood, my interests were different from my brothers, totally different. They liked violence, making problems around the home, lot of demands on my dad like cars and games. They never thought, my dad can not afford them. But I was on the bright side, and emotional side of life. I took everything emotionally, and more humanitarian way. Which is something everyone acknowledge it from my family to my friends.

I want to write my story, because, I believe this post might be the most honest thing I ever write on the internet.

I always wanted to write my life down on papers, but never got the chance, because, I either lose those papers, like when I was

a kid, I lost them, or I type them on my computer but get a hard drive crash. So, I want to do this for the last time.

I was happy when I was a kid, happy with myself. Alone with my own fantasy. Fantasizing about me being emperor and having a big empire being ran by me. Used to write these things on papers and make them look official. That was unusual because, I was kinda serious to the point my family laugh at me. But to be honest, I feel I was born in the wrong time. I am not meant to be living in this century, decade, era. I feel I belong in a very old time, with me being some sort of king or an emperor. I always look at all the technology we have today with a weird look, always. Whenever I see something so advanced, my eyes are almost blown away. I even try to avoid being rich or having too much money or get inside big and fancy houses.

But thats just about being in the wrong time. There is also a feeling of being in the wrong body. When I was about 16 years old, I used to live in a room with a big cabinet store for my sisters clothes. Because, we live in a very small house and no space, so everything was messed up back in the time. And I used to have that room for myself, but only at night, my dad will sleep on his bed near me. He would sleep on a real bed, while me on the floor, because he is such an old man, my old man.

So, at my empty time at day, I would open that cabinet and dress my sisters clothes and fantasies being a girl. No one ever know this of my family, not friends. But whoever reads this, is the only one who knows.

So, in addition of being in the wrong time, I am on the wrong body aswell. I also was very smart, to the point that I made my own theories about mathematics and physics, that if Newton was not born yet, I would of invent gravity, and if Pythagoras was not born yet, I would add more to the Trigonometry.

But that was in my old days when I was young. I was on the peak of intelligence, and wrote these notes in school, my friend always curious about them.

But that was of no use, because I was trying to invent something that was already invented. When I turned 19, I realized this sad fact, and tore all those papers and theories, and burned them.

So, I was struggling with my feelings of being in the wrong of everything. But I can say, ever since I turned 19 years old, my life officially started fading away. I didn't know that. I was in denial. I was ignorant. With no one to teach me or help me, left all alone by myself to figure out this cruel world.

I say that because, when I turned 19, my head started balding like there is no tomorrow. I just got out of my room to talk to my sisters, and she couldn't ignore that huge bald spot on the top of my head, but she mumbled it, I heard she said "Men tends to have that". I didn't know what was she talking about, didn't bother to ask. After awhile, I go outside to buy some cans of soda, and the stare from the kids around our neighborhood was abnormal, and from the store owner, when I walked back home, I could feel someone throwing a rock at me, but didn't get me, just saw it coming from behind. I get home, and get a weird sensation like there is something wrong with me, something inside me told me to look at myself in the mirror, but from behind. I was fortunate to have two mirrors for the first time back then, so, I looked and there it goes, I am bald!

I didn't even know if I was balding, thought it was something can be fixed with time, I was totally uneducated about it. Until I turned 21, thats when I got Internet 24/7 for the first time in my life. And first time I know it is called "Male Pattern Baldness".

So, THANK GOD FOR INTERNET! AND FUCK YOU, MY FAMILY! WHO TRIED TO DEPRIVE ME FROM IT WHEN I DEMANDED IT FOR 5 YEARS! I GOT THE MOST HORRIBLE LIFE STRUGGLING WITH THEM TO AFFORD IT. FUCK YOU, MY BROTHERS! THEY GOT EVERYTHING THEY WANTED WHEN THEY BECAME ADULTS! EXCEPT ME. BECAUSE, IM THE YOUNGEST! FUCK THEM ALL! I HATE THEM ALL! THEY DEMANDED CARS, BUT I ONLY DEMANDED INTERNET! THATS ALL I WANTED, AND YOU TREATED ME LIKE A PIECE OF CRAP. I HAD TO LIVE IN HORROR CAUSE OF YOU ALL! FUCK YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN! MAY YOU BURN TO ASHES AND ROT IN HELL.

That capped words would be my message to them "if" they ever read this. Maybe not in million years, cause they can't read English. Because, they are arabs bastards, but I am above that. (No offense to arabs).

But I want to make that an advise to everyone with a family, NEVER ever deprive your brother or sister, or your son or daughter, the chance of having what they REALLY want! If one of them REALLY wanted internet, please, afford it for them!

You never know what can happen if you don't. Even if they abuse using it, watching porn and what not, at least, thats better than raping or molesting one of the girls you happened to be a good friend of her father! You will be in bigger trouble.

Take that from me as an example, I almost committed suicide for such a small thing. But It meant my life for me! I learned LOTS and LOTS of stuff from it. The good and the bad. I would never knew how this world run without it.

I am from Saudi Arabia, but never belonged there. So, thats an addition to my "Non-belonging", "Wrong" list. In addition to being in the wrong time, wrong body, I am in the wrong place. That doesn't mean, I belong to America or UK cause of speaking English though. By place, I mean, the whole earth.

Anyway, I had to live with the fact that I am balding, and that was a hard fact to embrace. Because, my look doesn't support me. I am skinny and short, and being bald is the last thing I want. I wish I got sick with a life threatining disease, and die cause of it instead of going bald. I tried to embrace it, I failed miserably. I tried to become a man, I also failed. I tried to stand up for what I dream, I failed. I kept failing until I lost everything. I was in my last year of high school, thats when I started failing. I never finished that year till now. I am with no job, no life, no reason to live, simply no soul. I am dead. Just waiting for my funeral announcement so that everyone knows I am dead.

And after 6 to 7 years of balding, there was something else I had to discover about myself. I got a whole day googling for whatever information I can get to stop this disease called "Testosterone". And suddenly, I see a picture looks familiar to me. In fact, it looks the same as my body! It was about Klinefelter's syndrome. I always looked at body as normal for man, but skinny cause of bad nutrition maybe. But looking at that picture I can tell, that is my body! Those curves around the abdomen, looks like a woman. From that day, first time I know I got such a syndrome. So, again, THANKS TO INTERNET. DAMN YOU, MY FAMILY.

After all these information I got, now I know why I feel being in the wrong body! But there is nothing can do about it, except embracing it. And as always, I fail embracing. I feel the humiliation surrounds me from all directions, I can no longer go outside. I don't wanna see anyone, nor let anyone see me humiliated like this. Sometimes, I ask God. Is that what You created me for? To live the humiliation and be a joke to everyone who see me? I am raised in religious family as a Muslim. But deep inside, I can't believe in any religion. They all fuels the ignorance and make-believe life style. I turned from religious to atheist to agnostic. If there is any God, I just want to let Him know, since You made me this way for people to ridicule me and make fun of me or even throw rocks at me, and after all this struggle, You want me to bow to you 5 times a day? Sorry, but I no longer part of Your group or party. I quit. I want a God that is willing to help me, and not leave me as a laughing stock to everyone for 7 years.

If you created Adam with Your bare hands, I am sure you created him with a head full of hair. Why not put your Glorious, Holy hands above my head and fix it? Why not fix the wrong body You put me in? Why not fix the wrong time You put me in? Why not fix the wrong place You put me in?

I am sorry God. Whatever your name is. I am not gonna follow merely people talking about You. But I will follow You if you talked to me.

That was my message to God. I am sure He can read all languages. Not to mention thoughts and the unseen. Not meant to ridicule or mockery. But seriously.

Anyway, I feel this is the end of my journey. I promised myself this gonna be the last year of not doing anything for myself. So, I read about Castration and the types of it. And somehow I feel this is the right thing for me, but not to the extent of losing it all. Because, after all I like being a man, who stands up for justice and for the poor and the orphan. But I never could with my body shape and my look. So, I would rather have lower sexual drive or libido, because, the current one doesn't seem right for me. I am always sexually active, and that created a purdon on my body. I miss the days of being calm and the serenity surrounding. That was before I reached 19. But ever since Testosterone jumped up, my body took tremendous change to the worst. I look like an old man, my skin looks tough, my face is like falling off.

I tried to castrate myself lately this week. But not fully. I tried tying off my testicles and believe it or not, the first day, I felt the calmness and the serenity or let me say the "Missed calmness and serenity", because, I believe there is a female inside me kept prisoned for years. But I took it off after like an hour. And nothing wrong with my testicles. I tried again next day and everyday for couple minutes then I release it. Somehow, the calmness and serenity had gone away again. Can't feel them anymore except with a pain in pelvis area from front to the back. Since I am new to this, I don't want to go to the extreme. So, I stopped. Took a rest looking for any alternative or maybe what I am doing is right and need confirmation from trusted people who can assure me its not gonna cause any diseases like cancer and what not. I want to do it smoothly and no diseases. Except side effects that can live with.

I read here about Chemical castration, it sounds right for me. But I am not sure how to get it. Because, I depend on my brother (although I hate all my brothers, except one or two) to drive me to a big pharmacy since I live in small village. And also, im not sure how to get it from the pharmacy. I think after some research it seems it doesn't need any prescription from doctor here. But somehow I read that it is kinda illegal in UK? I am not sure what I read, but some of you in this forums needs to order it to get it.

The drug is called Androcur. I don't know what to say to my brother if he asked me, to my family! This family is nuts! Even though I can avoid talking to them, we don't really talk anyway. But curiosity sometimes kicks-in in this nuts family.

My first and primary focus is on my hair. I want something to grow it back. I am 24 years old now. And by checking my scalp, seems the follicles ain't dead yet. Just not noticeable. I hear if your hair follicles are dead, then you can't have your hair back. But if they are only thinning, then you can grow them back? I am not sure of that info. But I feel castration of any form can grow them back.

Should I take the hormone therapy or take propecia? I can't enjoy my female side with no hair, would I? That is my problem with hormones therapy.

Sorry for long thread. But I had to let it all out somewhere since all what I wrote is related to another in a complicated way.

[devi (imported)]

About your balding, I'm not sure if you were made to take testosterone therapy since is what they do to "males" with an extra "X" chromosome but from what I understand if you were to refuse to have that you're balding would stop or at least slow down. I think. But prior I always thought it was that extra chromosome. If you get a cheap microscope, take off the eyepiece and then put a camera with a 24x magnification over the top then you can get a glimpse of and even take pictures of your sister chromatin.

[SplitDik (imported)]

Darkness, thank you for sharing your personal story and personal pain and confusion.

Here is my advice, and feel free to either take it or ignore it depending on whether it seems good to you.

First of all, regarding the spirituality and God part of your message. Depending on your upbringing it may be a very big deal to reject God like you have, and I just want to say that a very large number of people in the world, including me, are quite happy as agnostics. Like you yourself have found out, the main religions' stories are really at odds with the reality of life -- it really doesn't make sense that God would be so unfair, or let there be so much pain and suffering. There may well be some powerful being that created or controls us, but it seems really unlikely to match the Biblical description as commonly understood (i.e. some old guy with a beard who made us in his own image and is simply testing us with a gift of free will). I suggest that to live happily as an agnostic you still need some cohesive world view though in order to live happily. I personally suggest Taoism, which basically advises you to accept things as they are, not because there is a particular purpose but because first of all any life is still a miracle to witness and because there isn't really a choice -- there is a flow and you can either go along with it or fight it and in the end fighting won't get you anywhere.

Secondly, regarding your family, I think you shouldn't hold so much resentment towards them. Perhaps they were a bad family, but from what you described it sounds normal -- very few families are good at detecting and helping someone with a rare condition, and when they do it is often a bit late. Personally, I think that parents need to watch their kids carefully around puberty -- I'm always amazed when parents aren't concerned about a child whose body is developing outside the "norm". Of course being normal isn't that important (although it often makes life easier) but at least you can detect syndromes, medical conditions, gender identity issues, etc. and deal with them properly and early. Anyway, it isn't useful to harbor resentment towards the family. Sure they may have missed opportunities, but that is more common than not and is just a matter of the average person's nature. Honestly, it is never healthy to expect much from family. You don't get to choose your family, and if they turn out to be compatible, or worse they turn out to be destructive to you, just move on.

Regarding your balding. There isn't any cure. Whoever would discover a cure would become immensely rich and you can believe that it is heavily studied, but there is nothing satisfactory. Some hormonal treatments like Propecia can help in mild cases but they don't help in serious cases and furthermore have pretty bad side effects. If you wanted to present to society as a man, then I suggest you shave your head, and embrace the bald look. It turns out that balding only looks bad when it is partial, but when totally bald it makes you look dominant and more competent. If you want to present to society as a woman, the bald is okay because you can use wigs. In fact I know a lot of transexual women who have very short hair (and also partially bald) who use wigs. Of course it would be nice to not be bald (I'd love to have my hair back too). But again, it is not the way your life is flowing and you have to go along with the flow.

Regarding your condition and identity, there are lots of places in the world where ambiguous gender are well tolerated. Many big cities are quite accepting. You can always of course find some difficulty and discrimination, but lots of people experience this (fat people, dark-skinned people, etc.). I suggest you move to some place that is metropolitan and known for being friendly to all types of people. Places like Vancouver Canada or San Francisco are two places where I've lived that are quite tolerant.

Regarding the actual medical condition, you should get it formally diagnosed and maybe there are some treatments that can help.

Overall, your main problem is that you're fighting the flow of your life and then resenting your life and everyone in it. It is very common in teenage and young adult years to feel like that. But it doesn't have to be that way. You need perspective -- lots of people have serious struggles, not always visible. You need to place yourself in a supportive environment, not all places are good for everyone to thrive. You need to look at life as "half full" -- it is easy for anyone, even rich handsome people, to despair due to all the things they feel isn't right, but as long as you can see beauty around you, breath in fresh air, and notice the goodness that does actually exist around you you will be okay.

[Paolo]

Welcome to the zoo.

As far as your hair loss, I have to agree with the others - if there were a successful drug for it that worked, there would be NO bald men.

Also, please do a search here or on Google for Propecia and the effects it may have that might not go away in a suitable period of time...if at all.

Thank you for joining and hearing your story.

[knightbird111 (imported)]

does high t cause balding or t is not related to male pattern baldness?

[Eddie (imported)]

does high t cause balding or t is not related to male pattern baldness?

My experence was, I had a bald spot years before my castration and went four year after without using T with my bald spot now completely disappeared.

[SplitDik (imported)]

Yes testosterone is the primary thing that triggers natural balding, in particular the special form called DHT.

Castration and hormonal blockers like propecia can help with mild hair loss, like classical thinning at the crown, but it won't help with serious balding that has already progressed. Like if you are seriously balding NY age of 20. It probably will slow further balding, but if you're already sporting shiny totally bald areas I suggest that keeping the rest isn't too helpful--might as well go totally bald. I worked for this one guy who had the friar tuck type hair, totally bald on top with ring of hair and people sort of treated him poorly, then he had a makeover that included shaving the head quickly became to be perceived as a much more dominant, power business guy.

Seriously, if your goal is to have confidence and be bullied less, trying to salvage your hair will make you look weaker and more likely to face ridicule.

By the way, you don't need to shave out completely, just a very close cut can work well.

Another piece of advice I didn't give earlier is to exercise. Even if your body is generally scrawny or feminine, exercise will make you feel better and probably look better and move more confidently.