Hello everyone, you can call me Jim and in my mid-forties. I have been a lurker for several years and admire the honesty of your members. I am personally a heterosexual and have been married for over 15 years to the same person. She is a great person and friend and lover but starting about five years ago I have started to get very bad crushes on other women. Fortunately for our marriage the other women have not been interested in me I decided to tell my wife that I had a problem with crushes a few years back but she was hurt by that. She told me as long as they don't turn into anything bigger not to tell her about them. So I am left to deal with them myself. I understand her position and probably should have not even brought it up but we have always been honest in all things.
What scares me is I fall so in 'love' with these women I would do almost anything. Sex, run away with them, etc. I will think about them 24/7 and go into prowl mode where I try to court them. I know in my mind these thoughts are not rational and I have no idea where they come from. What is worse is I have no idea how to stop these obsessions. As a side note, I am prone to obsessive compulsive thoughts and I know crushes seem to have that obsessive compulsive quality to them. Usually my obsessive compulsive thoughts have to do with addictions, alcohol, smokes, food, career, stock market, hobbies, etc and I have to always keep it in check. And yes, I do enjoy pornography but don't feel like that is an addiction since I don't obsess over it. My wife allows me to watch porn and sometimes watches with me. I know this is an unusual 'problem' for this forum but I didn't know who to talk to about it. Since I know many of you are always considering the psychological aspect of sex and relationships I thought someone could help me deal with this problem. It seems innocent enough but if I was ever to find a willing recipient to my affection my marriage would be in real jeopardy.
I got to wondering last night if I didn't have testicles would I still have this problem ? Is the root of a crush sexual ? or of the heart ? of the ego ? or of the mind ? or all of them? Can't wait to hear some thoughts on this problem of mine. Thanks for listening
I have been a bit down that road myself but took the ethanol way out to get rid of my so called over sexed drive. If i could start over again I would first get a blood test done and see if your T levels are within the normal range or up higher.
Once you know what is driving you to do these things then you can work out a course of action. Don't just barge in and say I will lower my sex drive.... that should be enough to fix it....lots of things have different effects on us and the two guys in the middle can be blamed only for some of them. take care, regards
Tom Cat Fool (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 3:32 am
I got to wondering last night if I didn't have testicles would I still have this problem ? Is the root of a crush sexual ? or of the heart ? of the ego ? or of the mind ? or all of them? Can't wait to hear some thoughts on this problem of mine. Thanks for listening
If you lower your testosterone level enough you will no longer have any sexual urges or phantasies, even if you try. You don't even miss them.
I have been a bit down that road myself but took the ethanol way out to get rid of my so called over sexed drive. If i could start over again I would first get a blood test done and see if your T levels are within the normal range or up higher.
Once you know what is driving you to do these things then you can work out a course of action. Don't just barge in and say I will lower my sex drive.... that should be enough to fix it....lots of things have different effects on us and the two guys in the middle can be blamed only for some of them. take care, regards
I guess I never considered that I may have a high testosterone level :-\ I do masturbate a lot but as you know that only gives relief for about 15 minutes ... That is an interesting concept to get my T levels tested. I wonder if mine are elevated if there is a way to decrease it to normal range because I do not want to be fully eunuchized, ah apparently eunuchized is not a word
and a side note, I understand why men would ruin their lives over sex but why do women do it ? Last I checked women don't have testicles. I am so confused right now
From my experience having been castrated in 1986 as an aspect of a vehement effort to not die from cancer as my dad and brother did, cancer that is almost guaranteed in the absence of sufficient preventive surgery, I may have some useful thoughts to share. Because of cancer risk issues, I never even for a moment entertained testosterone replacement.
I am significantly transgendered, though not quite to the threshold at which I would have sought gender reassignment. I do have both B.S. and Ph.D. degrees in bioengineering and am, I find, a decently competent biologist as a necessary aspect of bioengineering.
I have the notion firmly in mind that I am a good enough biologist as to never expect anyone else to respond to castration exactly as I have responded, yet there are common aspects of castration effects that are very commonplace. One is a formidable reduction in "sex drive," in terms of stretch receptors in typical male sexual structures, said stretch receptors being a major factor in having nocturnal emissions and the drive for sexual release prior to having a nocturnal emission when that is achievable. The physiological drive based on stretch receptors is a spinal ganglion reflex and is not particularly under ordinary conscious, willful control except through deliberately doing what it takes to have an orgasm and ejaculation.
My automatic nocturnal emission cycle, at the peak of my supposed sexual prowess was from 4 to 5 days. Shortly after the onset of puberty, I discovered that masturbating to orgasm twice a week allowed me to have uninterrupted sleep at night and took my much less of my time than "cleaning up the messes." So, until I was married, at age 35, I solved my sexual release problem that way, with minimal inconvenience to the rest of my life. It just never crossed my mind to bother with sexual release otherwise, because anything else would, such as sex with someone else outside marriage, would take even more of my time than cleaning up a nighttime mess about twice a week.
Came marriage and, along the way, a baby, and my wife and I decided that our family was complete, and so, when cancer risk became unconscionable for me, I found a way to "engineer" getting a doctor to do a bilateral orchietomy, only with the provision that I would never identify the doctor, and paid cash for the deed.
My experience, perhaps because of the extent to which I am transgendered, was that a form of bothersome mental fog accompanied the onset of puberty, and it persisted until the orchiectomy, whereupon it went away and the clarity of thinking I had prior to puberty as-though returned. Thus, I would not dream, even for a wisp of a moment, of taking testosterone replacement.
And..., my experience with orgasms and erections is much as it was before the orchiectomy, with the one difference that it never has bothered me if my wife is "tired." I exercise my erection and orgasm reflexes enough that they have not faded away, and also could contentedly go forever without having an erection or orgasm, were that to be my preference. As with some other Eunuch Archive members, I am in control of my "sex life"; it is not any more at all in control of me.
In my life, I never knew that masturbation gave relief for only about 15 minutes, when I had testicles, I would choose when it was convenient to prevent the next nocturnal emission, and that might not happen for as much as 5 days, far longer than 15 minutes.
As to men ruining their lives over sex, I would speculate that such is not about sex per se, nor is it about sexual release per se; my best guess for now is that such is of a form of trauma and trauma response in the form of something possibly approaching addiction.
The essence of addiction, it seems to me, is psychological displacement; a problem which is too important to forget and too discomforting to remember, that gets attached to a behavior that temporarily relieves the sense of discomfort without dealing in any constructive manner with the importance of the problem. In contemporary society, as best I can determine, at least mild forms of addiction are the very nearly universal human experience, and are not at all a matter of a person's character or worth.
To such extent as a form of addiction may be at work in a person's life, eliminating testicular testosterone production may allay an undesired tendency toward dalliances, or, much more rarely, may not.
I do enjoy flirting though I can no longer perform. Women seem to know of my, er, condition, and to feel safe when I make improper suggestions to them. They giggle. All women are beautiful when they laugh. I have had the same thoughts of running away with a new person but alll of the cunts seem to belong to the Women's Club, so they support my wife rather than me. Men are predatory. Women are territorial. Women support women. Men try to beat the crap out of other men. So be it, and such is the way of the world. I do enjoy seeing the human comedy played out.
If it is a problem, I'd look into counseling first and try to find out why you crush on other women. Is there something in your marriage that isn't making you happy? What is is about these women that attracts you? Are they all similar or are they just not your wife? Talk to a professional who deals with marriage/relationship issues. Maybe he/she can help you figure some things out. It would allow you to work through these things without cheating on your wife and destroying everything you have. If you cheated you'd be hurting her, breaking her trust, losing your wife and friend...Do you still LOVE her or do you fall out of love with her when you have these crushes?
I am dubious that there is anything wrong with you physically. Nor would a T test tell you anything more than where you are on a chart of low to high. You did say that your wife is a great lover, so to me, it would indicate she'd probably not be interested in being married to a Eunuch who can't perform. You don't want to mess around with your body chemistry unless it is a last resort option.
Wolf-Pup (imported) wrote: Wed Aug 01, 2012 1:49 pm
If it is a problem, I'd look into counseling first and try to find out why you crush on other women. Is there something in your marriage that isn't making you happy? What is is about these women that attracts you? Are they all similar or are they just not your wife? Talk to a professional who deals with marriage/relationship issues. Maybe he/she can help you figure some things out. It would allow you to work through these things without cheating on your wife and destroying everything you have. If you cheated you'd be hurting her, breaking her trust, losing your wife and friend...Do you still LOVE her or do you fall out of love with her when you have these crushes?
I am dubious that there is anything wrong with you physically. Nor would a T test tell you anything more than where you are on a chart of low to high. You did say that your wife is a great lover, so to me, it would indicate she'd probably not be interested in being married to a Eunuch who can't perform. You don't want to mess around with your body chemistry unless it is a last resort option.
First, I want to thank all who have responded. Very good responses that have made me think at my problem from different angles. I think Wolf-Pup has hit on some very good points. Yes, I do still love my wife. We have never had a very intense or passionate relationship but more of a trusting, deep friendship type of relationship. We also respect each other very much. So our marriage has been free of a lot of strife that more passionate relationships may encounter. It is possible that I just want the high from intense romance that only comes from meeting someone new ? I think I also miss the predatory hunt. I know I miss that part of it ! So maybe it is the classic mid-life crises. My last chance at romance before I turn into a wrinkled prune. Marriage counseling may be an option but I would have to go it alone which seems counterproductive. My wife and I did go to a counselor once when I was being distant about 8 years ago. The counselor thought I had Asperger's syndrome which would explain part of my obsessive compulsive nature. Not much I can do about having Asperger's but it did help my wife to understand me better.
To answer a further question asked by Wolf-Pup. Yes, during my crushes with other women I still love my wife as always, only the sex with her becomes more frequent and intensifies. I take out my frustrations on her I always tell my self if the other women finds me attractive I will be able to convince all three of us two move to Utah and get married. That is how fucked up my thinking can get !
I was referring to cousneling for yourself, at least at first. It could be the case where she is asked to come with you at times, but it would be your therapy primarily. Better to do it proactively than hope you can salvage your life after the fact
I decided to tell my wife that I had a problem with crushes a few years back but she was hurt by that. She told me as long as they don't turn into anything bigger not to tell her about them. So I am left to deal with them myself. I understand her position and probably should have not even brought it up but we have always been honest in all things.
