A strange desire

[wannabesmooth (imported)]

Prologue

I wish I could be "normal", I really do. I've always known that society expected me to behave a certain way.

I suppose it all began with feelings of gender dysphoria when I was about five. A relative at a family gathering who noticed I'd tucked my cloth napkin into the waistband of my shorts, chided me amiably while my parents looked on, amused in the way parents tend to be in polite company. An unrelated incident around the same time would impress on me that while my older sister, who was bigger and stronger than me then, was permitted to hit me when we squabbled as siblings often do, but I was never to return the favour.

Always soft-spoken and shy while growing up, I tended to be emotional and I was often quick to anger or tears. My parents considered the former to be barbaric and unacceptable, while the latter was girlish and to be ashamed of.

Origins

The cross-dressing during play time in kindergarten was all in good fun, and a source of amusement to my teachers and peers then, since we were all just kids messing around. I already understood then, that I had to make it seem as if my motive for doing so was to gain social acceptance through slapstick comedy.

I started cross-dressing in private when I was about seven, when I would wriggle into a pair of high-waisted nylon suntan pantyhose, followed by a lycra tank leotard while alone at home. The leotard was slightly undersized and its neckline and back were cut high for modesty, so getting my arms through the thick shoulder straps was a bit of a struggle. The forbidden sensation of being trapped in the outfit with my genitals inaccessible was at the time, indescribable.

These secret sessions I indulged in marked the start of my double live, which would continue to the present day.

I didn't yet know much about gender norms, rules, or roles, apart from the obvious and arbitrary ones. However, I understood that while a preference for the wrong colours elicited mild mockery, my desire to put on the wrong clothes would bring forth something far worse from everyone around me.

Aware of the consequences should I be discovered, I continued to hide my habits and desires.

Adolescence

I wasn't all flamboyantly feminine or limp-wristed however; in many ways I was more of a tomboy. I had some stereotypically male interests and character traits, and when puberty arrived I found myself attracted to girls. I wrote off my gender dysphoria as childish desire, and I rationalised my cross-dressing as curiosity taken too far; a mild fetish at most, that would surely become a distant memory washed away by the coming flood of hormones, making me the man society said I should be.

Puberty came and went, and I remember feeling sorry during my teenage years for those around me who were less adept at blending in. Many of them faced cruel and degrading ostracism, which would always remind me to be careful with my secrets, especially that one.

I remained shy and taciturn around girls, and my awkward attempts at approaching my crushes were usually met with rejection. The girls I had success with in my later teen years usually became close platonic friends, because I couldn't trust them enough to go further.

Eventually, I came to realize that I sought emotional fulfilment and intimacy in my romantic pursuits, rather than sexual relief. My inability to fully trust anyone became an insurmountable emotional barrier.

My persistence at maintaining my facade was partly fuelled by my success at gaining the general acceptance and respect of my peers, both male and female. Why rock the boat if it wasn't sinking? I still wanted to believe that I could outgrow my troublesome desires, so I enlisted in the military to initiate my rite to manhood.

The time I spent in the military taught me that much of the machismo I observed was fraudulent. While insecurity and cowardice usually lurked behind those intimidating masks, strength of character would often emerge unexpectedly during adversity from the most understated and modest.

I attended university and graduated, eventually meeting a lovely woman whom I still enjoy a serious relationship with, yet those secret desires remain.

Epilogue

The gender dysphoria comes and goes, and sometimes I wake up from a dream I don't remember thinking that the one that I've always known has come true. Most days I go about my routine unperturbed and at relative peace with myself, but some days I yearn so fervently for things to be different.

The appeal of a magical transformation is captivating, but unachievable in reality. The desire to transition isn't overwhelming, and either choice leaves me with a secret I must hide.

I suppose my desire to obtain full genital nullification leaving an internal stump with a urethral reroute, is my attempt to seek a practical compromise between two impossible extremes.

Do I chase the fantasy, or should I live the dream?

[bobbijoy4 (imported)]

you should seek the advice of a professional sex therapist, who will probably send you to a psychiatrist...which is not a bad thing...or confide in your doctor.

[Cainanite (imported)]

Welcome to the zoo my friend.

You'll find a lot of folk here who share a very similar story. Mine is much the same, though I have no desire to wear clothing of the opposite sex, It wouldn't bother me to do so, if it were 'allowed'.

Thank-you for sharing your story. I remember when I first shared my story on these forums. To do so, I had to really be honest with myself. I was in tears by the end of writing my first post. I can feel your emotion, and I relate.

You'll find a lot of folk here who have experiences with the same things you've gone through, and they are all great people. Stick around. this is a great place to just be yourself.

Again, welcome.

Cainanite

[janekane (imported)]

Suppose "normal" is defined by the "normal curve"?

The "normal curve" may be the so-called bell curve, or the normal density curve.

The "normal curve" may also be the normal distribution curve, the slope of which is the normal density curve.

The good news is that, whether normal refers to the normal density curve of the normal distribution curve, the normal curve is everywhere normal. There is no "abnormal" region in either form of normal curve.

Therefore, anything which reasonably fits anywhere on either version of normal curve is inescapably normal.

It comes to my mind that every individual person is neither more nor less normal than any other individual person is. Therefore, all people are actually normal people, because the entire realm of biological diversity, and therefore also individual personal diversity, is completely normal.

To me, being told that one is not normal is being told a lie. And being told that one is not normal and believing it is at least the penultimate human tragedy.

Apparently, it may be possible to have become deceived regarding one's being normal.

To me, deeming a person to be, in any way, abnormal, can only be a figment of harmful prejudice.

I have never met, and never heard of, so much as one person who was not, in fact, perfectly normal.

A poem by John Kendrick Bangs, written in the 1800s, and now public domain:

The Little Elf

I met a little Elf-man, once,

Down where the lilies blow.

I asked him why he was so small,

And why he didn't grow.

He slightly frowned, and with his eye

He looked me through and through.

"I'm quite as big for me," said he,

"As you are big for you."

May you find the zoo welcoming and affirming!

[Cainanite (imported)]

I remember once as a kid, I must have only been 8 years old or so. It was during story time in the school library, and the story had something to do with being good, or obedient or normal. I don't exactly remember the story.

After story time we were supposed to discuss the story, and what being good was. The agreed on idea by the teacher was that "no one is perfect".

I floated the idea that I thought that was wrong. I said, everyone could be perfect, if they were really being themselves. In my mind (and I have not changed positions on this) if you are really being yourself, then you are perfect. You are a perfect version of YOU.

Over the years I have come to refine that idea, but the core of it remains the same. If you are happy with yourself, and content with who you are, no further "fixing" is required. You are not wrong or broken, or in need of correction, if you like the skin you are living in. Your own goals and motivations for changing yourself should serve only you. Once you are the person YOU want to be, you are perfect, even if you don't fit the mold of someone else's idea of perfect.

I remember people rolling their eyes at me, and the teacher telling me I didn't know what I was talking about. My class had a good laugh at my expense.

A lot of the damage and suffering I have endured in my life, (mostly at my own hands) has been from trying to be someone else's idea of "perfect" or "normal" or "correct". That shit is just NOT healthy. If you are living your life trying to meet expectations others have of you, you will never be happy.

The idea of "nobody is perfect" leads to all kind of wrong headed thinking. It leads to people trying to make other people into their idea of "perfect". It allows people to think people need to be fixed, or taught a lesson. "If only I humiliate that person for being different, then they won't want to be different anymore. They'll be more perfect."

Now I admit, when I was eight, my vocabulary and reasoning skills were not as complex. I believe my exact words were, "Everyone is perfect at being themselves. So everyone is perfect."

I didn't have the ability to expand that thought or explain myself. Even now, I struggle to explain that statement. Yet I still think it is true.

Worrying about what other people think or want from you is not healthy. You have to go after the things YOU want and change the things YOU want to change. Not to "fit in", or be accepted, but to fulfill what YOU need, for your own reasons. If you are happy, who am I to judge you?

[Elizabeth (imported)]

I remember once as a kid, I must have only been 8 years old or so. It was during story time in the school library, and the story had something to do with being good, or obedient or normal. I don't exactly remember the story.

After story time we were supposed to discuss the story, and what being good was. The agreed on idea by the teacher was that "no one is perfect".

I floated the idea that I thought that was wrong. I said, everyone could be perfect, if they were really being themselves. In my mind (and I have not changed positions on this) if you are really being yourself, then you are perfect. You are a perfect version of YOU.

Over the years I have come to refine that idea, but the core of it remains the same. If you are happy with yourself, and content with who you are, no further "fixing" is required. You are not wrong or broken, or in need of correction, if you like the skin you are living in. Your own goals and motivations for changing yourself should serve only you. Once you are the person YOU want to be, you are perfect, even if you don't fit the mold of someone else's idea of perfect.

I remember people rolling their eyes at me, and the teacher telling me I didn't know what I was talking about. My class had a good laugh at my expense.

A lot of the damage and suffering I have endured in my life, (mostly at my own hands) has been from trying to be someone else's idea of "perfect" or "normal" or "correct". That shit is just NOT healthy. If you are living your life trying to meet expectations others have of you, you will never be happy.

The idea of "nobody is perfect" leads to all kind of wrong headed thinking. It leads to people trying to make other people into their idea of "perfect". It allows people to think people need to be fixed, or taught a lesson. "If only I humiliate that person for being different, then they won't want to be different anymore. They'll be more perfect."

Now I admit, when I was eight, my vocabulary and reasoning skills were not as complex. I believe my exact words were, "Everyone is perfect at being themselves. So everyone is perfect."

I didn't have the ability to expand that thought or explain myself. Even now, I struggle to explain that statement. Yet I still think it is true.

Worrying about what other people think or want from you is not healthy. You have to go after the things YOU want and change the things YOU want to change. Not to "fit in", or be accepted, but to fulfill what YOU need, for your own reasons. If you are happy, who am I to judge you?

Very good post, I agree with perfection as being oneself. Thanks

Elizabeth

[janekane (imported)]

I find that the notion, "nobody is perfect" can only make any hint of sense when the definition in use of "perfect" is effectively perfectly imperfect.

There is the ridiculous notion that people make mistakes because of not being perfect

Only, what is a mistake?

Some years ago, I set out to understand what a mistake is without being mistaken in my understanding, and I came up with an operational definition of "mistake" with which I have been unable to find any mistake.

A mistake occurs when someone does something, and what happens as a result is not exactly, in every detail, precisely what was anticipated.

(Please observe that this definition does not require that anything whatsoever was anticipated...)

Then it came to my mind that it might be good for me to have a learned understanding of learning, and I came up with the most learned definition of learning, one which I have been unable to improve.

Learning occurs when someone does something, and what happens as a result is not exactly, in every detail, precisely what was anticipated.

Whereupon, I learned that it is a mistake to regard learning and making mistakes as being in any way different except for the name used.

Oh,oh. Teaching a person to not make mistakes is teaching a person to not learn. Only, is it ever actually possible to teach a person to not learn?

[bobbijoy4 (imported)]

i don't know if "janekane" is a professional logician or on acid. in any case, it made sense...and i had a logic course in college and tripped on acid twice. both were learning experiences. when "advice" i gave before to see a therapist was the good, old tradition stuff from which i won't apologize. so, let's say you have or will do this. i an going to slaughter this but didn't the French have a saying which went "viva le differerence" or long live individuality? because i have always used this saying as it meant a lot to me. and aren't we all supposed to be sexually unique? each of us has a fingerprint which nobody else has? and every relationship we have with another is unique? so let there be "wannabesmooth" and his uniqueness...great.

[raymar2020 (imported)]

Dear Wannabe,

I really can relate to what you hacve posted. As I have stated before, I spent my first 15 years asa boy with no visible balls. It became my identity. I was comfortable with it. During those years it aslo became clear to me that while I liked girls, I didn't "like" girls. Thne the unthinkable happened. My testicles dropped, and all the sudden i was a different person. My identity was altered.

I never have really been into dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex, but that does not mean that I wouldn't. I am comfortable in the skin I am in and always was with the exception of those two orbs and their case that came into my life at 16. I was openly gay in high school, which was a feat in the 70's, and have never made any bones about my sexuality in my private world. For years I did keep my business and home lives very separate, but that was only because of the potential repercussions.

Now that I have succeeded in eliminating the dreadful orbs from my life I can feel truly complete. I am the person that I have always envisioned myself to be. I am not macho, but not feminine, I am not afraid to get dirty and do physical labors, but I also revel in nice clothes, and like to be surrounded by pretty things. In our binary gender world, I really am a blend of both.

My nature is that I am a pretty dominant person, and that seems to carry over frequently to the bedroom. I am more than willing to be submissive, but seem to only attract those who are. I am content with my physical relationships, and those that are simply platonic.

As Cainanite said each of us can be perfect, but only as he said because we are unique. I feel that I have now reached that point. I look at myself, and like what I see. I am pleased with how I interact with others, and most seem to like me as well.

Seek out a good sex therapist, and really open up. It is obvious that you have some issues to work out. The right answer for you is inside you, you just have to draw it out. Once you do, you can confidently move forward to achieve that goal. Perhaps it is nullification, perhpas not. Only time and real soul searching will bring you to the right conclusion. You are still young, and while others may say we are "mature" at 18 or 21, the real truth is that growth and maturing are not so cut and dry. Each of us as unique individuals goes thru that process at our own rate.

Good luck on your journey, and I sincerely hope that you are as successful in "finding" yourself as I have been.

Raymar

[nullorchis (imported)]

"I've always known

society expected me to behave a certain way

".

With trained, experienced, knowledgeable assistance you can overcome that roadblock.

It is not a "no outlet" street. Just a roadblock, like a landslide, which can be removed.

Is it a fantasy? Is it a dream? That remains to be discovered with professional assistance.

If it is a fantasy, then you can learn to be comfortable with that and eliminate frustration.

If it is an unrealized reality, then you can obtain assistance to make the transition.

It might be a double roadblock.

Learning to accept you for who you are, and learning to let the real you exist within society and not be concerned with what society thinks.

Life is a journey. No two people ever take the same journey.

Tragically we humans do tend to be quite judgemental, judging others based upon what was taught to us and our own experiences.

We crave acceptance naturally.

When acceptance does not come, or when rejection comes (for whatever reason) it causes us complex reactions.

People to naturally tend to "fit in" may never or rarely experience this.

But they may have compromised themselves so that they do "fit in", and never really experience their true self, their true destiny.

Life lived as a lie may not have been wasted, just unfulfilled.