What I did on my summer vacation -- work in progress

[axolotl1 (imported)]

I'm looking for feedback prior to submitting this to the archive. I'm not a well practiced writer and the one story I submitted in the past was very validly criticized. I'd prefer to work the story a little before submitting and I'd like you, the members of the EA boards to help.

Background: This story is inspired, losely by a crappy 2001 Steven Baldwin movie Xchange (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0242150/). The story is fundamentally a body-swap story, gay & trans-gender themed and in the first person. Pretty much everything is up in the air at this point

Open Questions:

Does one of the characters actually lose their package or do they just rent a body without one?

Who ends up sans package, the protagonist, his boyfriend, someone else?

What I did on my summer vacation

"Mike, I booked the house! Call the guys and tell them they owe $1250 a person plus $200 to seed the fridge, bar and medicine cabinets. And tell Tim he better not stock fucking light beer in my kegerator again this year. Where the hell did he even find a sextel of bud light anyway?" I exclaimed moments after sending the rental agent the deposit. The house was all of 3 blocks from the big gay beach and I intended to spend every spare moment there, sunning myself that summer. The rehabbed victorian was actually pretty sweet; 4 bedrooms which shared two balconies and two bathrooms upstairs, brand new kitchen & den down stairs, plenty of storage in the back yard. It was the perfect summer get-away for 6 gay couples.

"That's awesome dear!", my boyfriend replied, "Don't forget you need to change the oil before we make the first trip out this year." being the practical one as ever.

The weekend before memorial day was quite the production; the land lord had agreed to let us move stuff into the house early. Tim and his husband Bob rented a truck and we packed everyone's beach equipment, dog equipment, and cooking equipment and some furniture into the van. We'd made trips to Costco & the Liquor store for a summer's worth of food, booze and dry goods over the past week. After an hours ride and then an other hour of unloading the truck the four of us flopped shirtless & sweating onto the couch. Once we'd all had a little break, Tim and Mike worked on setting up the bar and bathrooms, Bob went to order chineese food and I started on the welcome packet from Cheryl, the owner. The packet was fairly standard, basic terms & rules, phone numbers and coupons for local businesses.

The one thing that did catch my eye was 12 coupons for 25% off husk rental at a newly opened exchange facility. It seemed odd, exchanges are used mostly as a safety precaution in high-risk work. They transfer or exchange you into a short-lived husk; if the husk gets seriously injured, who cares it was going to die in a couple of weeks anyway. I didnt see why I'd need one, I had no intention of doing construction while I was down there.

To continue writing:

our heroes hit the bar

our heroes pick up boys promoting the clinic

? who brings a pussy-boy home with them, Tim & Bob or Scott & Mike?

[axolotl1 (imported)]

pen Questions:

Does one of the characters actually lose their package or do they just rent a body without one?

What type of modification gets done/rented, nullo or pussy-boy?

Who ends up sans package, the protagonist, his boyfriend, someone else?

What I did on my summer vacation

"Mike, I booked the house! Call the guys and tell them they owe $1250 a person plus $200 to seed the fridge, bar and medicine cabinets. And tell Tim he better not stock fucking light beer in my kegerator again this year. Where the hell did he even find a sextel of bud light anyway?" I exclaimed moments after sending the rental agent the deposit. The house was all of 3 blocks from the big gay beach and I intended to spend every spare moment there, sunning myself that summer. The rehabbed victorian was actually pretty sweet; 4 bedrooms which shared two balconies and two bathrooms upstairs, brand new kitchen & den down stairs, plenty of storage in the back yard. It was the perfect summer get-away for 6 gay couples.

"That's awesome dear!", my boyfriend replied, "Don't forget you need to change the oil before we make the first trip out this year." being the practical one as ever.

The weekend before memorial day was quite the production; the land lord had agreed to let us move stuff into the house early. Tim and his husband Bob rented a truck and we packed everyone's beach equipment, dog equipment, and cooking equipment and some furniture into the van. We'd made trips to Costco & the Liquor store for a summer's worth of food, booze and dry goods over the past week. After an hours ride and then an other hour of unloading the truck the four of us flopped shirtless & sweating onto the couch. Once we'd all had a little break, Tim and Mike worked on setting up the bar and bathrooms, Bob went to order pizza & chineese food and I started on the welcome packet from Cheryl, the owner.

The packet was fairly standard, basic terms & rules, phone numbers and coupons for local businesses. The one thing that did catch my eye was 12 coupons for 25% off husk rental at a newly opened exchange facility. It seemed odd, exchanges are used mostly as a safety precaution in high-risk work. They transfer or exchange you into a short-lived husk; if the husk gets seriously injured, who cares it was going to die in a couple of weeks anyway. I didnt see why I'd need one, I had no intention of doing construction

or anything else that dangerous while I was down there.

*DING-DONG* the door-bell rang. I looked around for my shirt. Not that I was afraid to answer the door topless or anything lets just say I'm not my own type. I'm caucasian, 5'9-10"ish, in my early 30s, balding and furrier than a shag carpet. I've ended up muscular enough after 2 years of lifting 3 days a week but I'm still more jolly around the middle than I'd like. *DING-DONG* I remembered that Mike had taken my shirt upstairs with him.

"One second", I yelled, reaching for the door. When I opened the door it became clear why I hadnt heard a car pull in the drive way; the delivery guy was doing his rounds on a bike pulling a beach cart full of coolers. I might not be my own type but the delivery boy was, 5'6", asian, Korean maybe, and muscular. His clothes might as well have been painted on for all they left to the imagination. The v-neck he was wearing accentuated his pecs and came down just far enough to touch his pants but still lift up and reveal a georgous treasure-trail above just the perfect amount of underwear when he lifted his arm. His low-cut jeans managed to show off every between his waist & knee. About the only thing the outfit managed to hide was his bulge. For as tight as it fit around his crotch there just wasnt a noticable package there, poor guy.

"Hey, I'm Daniel", he said in the thickest SoCal accent I've every heard. "You ordered some pizza & chineese food?"

"Yeah," I replied leaning against the door and stretching my arm out, "I'm Scott."

Again, I might not be my own type but I was very clearly Daniels. If he tried any harder to undress me with his eyes he'd have to have unbuttoned my pants with his eye-lids.

"That'll be $35 cutie," he said as I was fishing through my wallet. "Did you hear the Kite is going to be having a bit of a pre Memorial Day bash tonight? It looks like it's going to be a fun time, you should come out."

"I'll definitly be there", I said, handing him $50.

"See you there cutie" he said as I turned to head inside, making sure to let him get a good long look at my ass.

"So do you want a night off to go play, cutie?" Mike said from his chair by the window as I walked in the door.

[StefanIsMe (imported)]

Interesting... your mechanics are good and I kinda like the premise. I'll talk soon re. ideas etc. you mentioned.

[axolotl1 (imported)]

specific questions:

Am I including too little or too much detail?

Are the descriptions of people too specific? I'm not sure which way to go on this. Description is good but honestly this is being written from a standpoint of jo material and I wonder if being too specific might get in the way.

How is the pacing? Am I keeping you engaged?

Finally a request for all the lurkers: Comment please I'd love your feedback.

[Cainanite (imported)]

specific questions:

Am I including too little or too much detail?

Are the descriptions of people too specific? I'm not sure which way to go on this. Description is good but honestly this is being written from a standpoint of jo material and I wonder if being too specific might get in the way.

How is the pacing? Am I keeping you engaged?

Finally a request for all the lurkers: Comment please I'd love your feedback.

Okay, first thing, try not to publish any more of your story here on the forums. You've given a great place to start from, but for anything more detailed I'd switch to PMs with interested people. The forums are for advice on your story, not for writing it. When it is done, we want to read it on the Fiction Archive, where it will be a surprise, and is behind the appropriate blocks to not put the community at risk. (But, we do want to read it when you're done.)

Next. I'm a fan of detail. The more the merrier in my book. However I do try to limit the descriptions to leave room for the reader to fill in the rest with their own imagination. What is beautiful to me, may not be beautiful to you. Describing someone as handsome, sculpted, Korean, is plenty. When you get to describing every freckle and line, I start skipping paragraphs.

You can always use detail to help slow a story point down. If your goal is to write some JO material, save the details for the main event. No point in blowing things too early.

Your pacing seems fine. For a short story, it is good to get the main points out of the way early on. For a longer story or a novel, I feel you have more room to allow things to evolve on their own. In a longer novel I enjoy moments where you can stop and smell the roses along the journey. In a short story you want to get to the point more directly.

So far, I am engaged.

Just a suggestion on what you've written, though.

You wrote, "

*DING-DONG* the door-bell rang.

" I don't think you have to write sound effects. Just say, "The doorbell rang." People will get it.

In terms of punctuation, be aware that quotation marks come after the period or comma, not before.

"Hello," I said as I dug for my wallet. "How much do I owe you?"

If you want to indicate a passage of time, don't double space. Instead add a five star break.

* * * * *

Then continue with what happens next. It makes the break more noticeable, and intentional.

If you want a Beta reader, I'd be happy to offer myself to the task. Send me a PM, and I'll give you my email address. If you send me the full text, I'll be happy to offer suggestions. If you just need someone to bounce ideas off of, I'll happily do that too.

Just a warning about my comments. I tend to be overly verbose and detailed. If I offer a criticism, it is not meant to discourage you. Quite the opposite. I want you to write the best story possible.

Keep writing. I think your story shows promise.