Coming to terms with my fantasies.

[Cainanite (imported)]

I've been experiencing something of a paradigm shift in my fantasies lately.

I used to resist my fantasies. My fantasies were something I struggled with. Pre-Hypogonadism diagnosis I had sexual fantasies, probably not very exotic or strange to anyone on these boards, but they were shameful to me. I've always been very careful with my fantasies. I've never kept anything in the house or on my computer that someone might find, or stumble across. Truth be told, compared to what I know some people get up to in their fantasy lives, my imagination in this area has been pretty tame. With my being asexual, it may surprise you to think I even have sexual fantasies, but I do. Those fantasies are more about situations and relationships than sexual release. That hasn't changed.

What has recently shifted for me, is I discover I am finding a greater satisfaction in my fantasy life, imagining myself as sexless, and being in a situation that can be physical, but also sexless.

Prior to my Hypogonadism diagnosis I was still trying to find myself sexually. My fantasy life was still trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. As I have said in other posts, I still do get erections, I can still find release in my body. My fantasies were trying to magnify that tiny portion of my life into something more enjoyable than it is for me in reality. I could imagine (and still can) sexual sensations beyond what I really feel. I think it is the part of me, that could have been, or what I imagined sex could feel like if I were a traditionally functioning male. Sexual release for me is a tiny blip on the radar of my physical sensations. I imagine for others it is a much more consuming, and intense sensation, something that goes to the core of their being, not something that momentarily disturbs the surface. I can envision that feeling, and can vividly call it to my imagination, but have never experienced it in reality.

Since my diagnosis, I've been on a journey of self discovery. I'm sterile, and have come to accept that. My family knows now, and I no longer have to pretend to them, that I'm something I'm not. Most importantly, I can stop lying to myself. It has taken a while, but that reality is starting to change the way I fantasize. My subconscious is catching up with the rest of me.

I'm now finding much more satisfaction allowing my subconscious to play with the notion of going the other way. Where I used to imagine myself as more sexual, I am now allowing myself to play with the notion of myself as even less sexual. Eliminating the thing that has been a source of confusion and shame for me from my imaginary life is proving much more satisfying. My fantasies are becoming more vivid and fulfilling. My fantasies no longer need me to have an external physical release in an attempt to achieve my unattainable imaginings of what sexual release should feel like. (I don't feel the need to masturbate, for the sake of a release.)

I'm happier imagining myself cuddling and sharing an embrace. My mind conjures complex situations where I can be in a relationship where there is physicality without the pressure of sex or sexual release. It is something my mind can go to wherever I am, or whatever I am doing. It is not something I feel the need to have a real physical stimulation to enhance. It is a better fantasy without. It is a more childlike and innocent fantasy, but infinitely more rewarding to both my conscious mind, and my subconscious, than my fantasy life was prior.

Conjuring up the situation of a shared back and foot massage, with a partner that desires nothing more than that, has proven intensely satisfying. It satisfies in a way that the fantasy of a sexual encounter never could for me.

When I was given the diagnosis of my Hypogonadism, it revealed a lot to me. It explained all the trouble I've had with integrating sex into my life, and helped explain my body issues and mood swings. Learning what was at the core of my problems has had me re-examining every part of my life, and how I react to things externally. It cast a whole new perspective on my life up until that point. What I didn't realize was that I was carrying over all my confusion and misunderstandings about myself, over into that most private part of myself, my imagination.

Accepting what I am, and accepting my real physical limitations into my dream life, has been an epiphany. I can wander through my whole day with a big smile on my face, as in my imaginary world, I'm envisioning myself, more as I truly am, and who I truly want to be. Where the situation or relationship isn't building to a goal, the situation or relationship IS the goal. It is something more in tune with who I am as a person. It is no longer what I thought I should be as a person ( a being seeking some unattainable sexual stimulation).

Does that make sense to anyone else here?

I guess I'm trying to say, that my fantasies have evolved from a sexual release (which often included a castration fetish), to something more real to me. I am now enjoying a fantasy life where castration has already happened, and I'm just living as I really am. My fantasies have evolved to where living in acceptance of my asexuality is a rich and full existence.

This epiphany about my fantasy life is telling me something I've known for a while now. Some of us are meant to be eunuchs. We were born that way. Whether where I am in my life was born out of a lack of hormones in my body, or was born out of confusion and self loathing, I don't know. What I know is I've never allowed myself to really see myself for who I really am. I am a sexless being. Sex does not fit who I am. I think it is as valid a statement as saying; I am homosexual, or I am straight, or I am a man in a woman's body, or I am a woman in a man's body.

I am a eunuch in a somewhat male body. The important part is that I know I am a eunuch in the core of my being. I've stopped beating myself up over that.

The loss of two uncomfortable lumps of gristle between my legs, and the loss of that blip of feeling I get from enjoying myself, seem like pretty insignificant losses to me now. It is not an overriding need to be rid of those things for me. I'm not desperate to be castrated. As I'm coming to imagine my real life, and my real feeling though, the thought of it is becoming much more acceptable to me.

Thinking of myself as a MtE transsexual doesn't seem like such a grand leap anymore.

Perhaps to be considered anything more than a wannabe, I'd need to have that overriding desire for castration pushing me on. Pushing me to find a surgeon. Pushing me to find a way, any way, to rid myself of those pesky lumps. Can I ever be taken seriously as MtE if I'm not burning with desire to get it over with?

I'll be honest. If tomorrow I knew of a quick, safe, and painless way to become a eunuch, I wouldn't hesitate, but I'm not seeking it out. I'm not fighting buckets of hormones to have that need for it to stop. My hormones have always been more of a trickle, and now that I know how to handle my moods, very endurable.

For those who've gone through it, and those who are transgender, I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts. Is how I view myself, and how I fantasize about a permanent transition rational? Is viewing myself as a eunuch, and fantasizing about being sexless enough? Do I need that overwhelming desire to make it valid?

I think I'm in a weird spot compared to most of this community. I already have a dramatically diminished sex drive. I already experience most of what a physical eunuch does. I just still have two lumps of gristle dangling down there, proving I'm not one.

I'd value any opinion. I feel I'm at a point in my life where I'm finally ready to commit to who I really am. Where what I fantasize is finally in tune with the person I show to the world every day.

Your thoughts would really help me.

Thanks.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

From just having a fairly quick read of your post, it seems to me that you are quite content/settled at present. You are fulfilled. You are happy. Well at least relatively in regards to all of these things. Kudos

I do not know what it is like to think like a woman, but some of your comments are how I would imagine a woman to fantasise, and they sound like really lovely thoughts (or not thoughts, as you are zoning in and not really thinking I suppose).

To be in a situation that is physical, but also sexless, is something that I dream of too. It inspired me to write what I still believe to be one of my best ever pieces of writing...........oh my goodness, I've just forgotten what it's called.

Hang on; it was Smooth Sailing. And I actually posted it in the EA stories if anyone is interested...

My fantasies tend not to be much in the way of physical situations; actually they more concern meanings of words, which to me can mean meaning of life. So it is words that will sometimes appear while I am walking or driving or in the shower or laying in bed. And those words might suddenly mean something to me in a way that they didn't before.

These moments often bring with them great joy to me. On their own, they make life worthwhile. They go to the core of my being.

As for fantasising about physical situations, I don't even really do that nowadays with masturbation. Rarely do I do so using only my imagination; it's basically just done to stuff online.

As I have read someone else say on the boards, a difficulty with you Cainanite with desiring to be a Eunuch, is that you will be having to fit in with a fairly low percentage of women who are looking for a relationship with someone like you. For me, I don't desire to remove my balls, or penis, or any body part really, I just want to deal with the sex drive thing and remove its negative effects on me. I would assume that there would be more women (though not necessarily a lot more) that would be comfortable with that person rather than one without some body parts; but we always have to do what is best for us - if you really want your balls removed (and it sounds like this has been a long time dream/desire) then I certainly hope that you get to put this dream into reality one day.

Sexual encounters have satisfied me, but they have not satisfied me, if that makes any sense.

The overwhelming desire thing is interesting. With the way our society mostly thinks about an in-between sex, perhaps you need to play the game in order to get what you want. I have been pondering this over on and off in recent times, since I will be seeing my doctor again soon. Do I be honest (honesty with him has really gotten me nowhere) or do something else? Do I lie about my relationship status (if indeed I am still in a relationship at that point?)? I have mulled some of these things over without given it all too much time, and I always find an answer from the doctors perspective where no matter what I say, he can use that against me to keep me from gaining access to Androcur. It is sort of like how a strong Christian might behave; they will have an answer at the ready for anything that gets thrown at them, an answer that keeps them in the right no matter what. So this is a difficult issue for people looking to go down the road of altering themselves in any way sexually.

I wouldn't hesitate either.

[Cainanite (imported)]

Thanks, Greg.

I don't know that being in a relationship is really the key to my thinking. It is more about living as someone without sexuality intruding. It is more about getting away from what has confused me, and shamed me, and living as the person I truly am. As I said, sexual release has always been a very small thing for me. That sexual release is more like a mildly enjoyable burp after a big meal, than something that truly fulfills me. It is pleasant enough (as is that burp) but does not define who I am.

If I really look for a suitable metaphor or simile, it is more like a rash that feels great to scratch. Ever had one of those? Even though I sometimes enjoy scratching the rash, I'd be happier without it. The rash isn't who I am, and the problems it creates for me outweighs the momentary pleasure of a good scritching. Sex and sexual feeling are like that for me. It is much more of an annoyance, and divergence from my real self. I find nothing in my sexuality that defines me. I would actually feel more complete without it.

To continue that rash comparison, imagine it's not a very big rash to me. It's not bothering me enough to seek out surgery to correct for it, yet. I imagine for some people that "rash" is a lot bigger and more of a problem. For them, dramatic solutions are much more urgent. Even though my rash is smaller, I'd still like it gone.

As to relationships, I'm realizing it could be a man, it could be a woman. Its not a sexual relationship I'm looking for. What I have in my pants, or what my imagined partner has in their pants doesn't come into my current fantasies. I don't NEED to be castrated to find it. Not being castrated doesn't impede it either. Either way, being sexless is already who and what I am.

I'll look for your story when I am editing the archive tomorrow. I'm interested in reading it. You always have well thought out posts.

Thank-you.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

That is really impressive to read that you already consider sexless to be who and what you are. Very happy for you.

I am actually a bit like that today lol. I am just soooo tired that sex isn't much in my thoughts - and even though there can suddenly be an uprising - and I'm pretty sure that's the way it will be until at least tomorrow, which is nice. I think a relaxing bath is in order soon, which will hopefully make me feel a little less tired, but not in that way (though this can be difficult or impossible perhaps to achieve).

I am happy to spend some time on the EA and cycling forum. But I just realised how many posts I have now on the cycling one! It's about 3 times as many as on here. I think that I have a rather serious problem

Dam you Cainanite for taking me away from those boards for just a little while

I like the rash metaphor, though I would prefer perhaps a mosi bite, and I'd probably more rub/touch it then scratch.

"

It is much more of an annoyance, and divergence from my real self. I find nothing in my sexuality that defines me. I would actually feel more complete without it.

"

I really like these comments. Perhaps the last 2 sentences could even form a part of your signature?

Or it could even be something appropriate for the whole EA site actually.

I wouldn't say that my 'rash' is a problem because it is bigger

But yeah, I ain't about to hold a gun to anyone's head in order to get it removed - same as you.

I get very excited about people reading my writing, so I am already looking forward to your thoughts on Smooth Sailing.

Thank-you.

[justjustin (imported)]

I'll look for that story too. I sort of stopped reading the stories - some were great, and some were too much for me. But Smooth Sailing sounds like something I might like.

[loveableleopardy (imported)]

Oh my - two people reading one of my stories at the one time. Clearly this has got to be some sort of record

Thanks heaps guys.

[JesusA (imported)]

I'm happier imagining myself cuddling and sharing an embrace. My mind conjures complex situations where I can be in a relationship where there is physicality without the pressure of sex or sexual release. It is something my mind can go to wherever I am, or whatever I am doing. It is not something I feel the need to have a real physical stimulation to enhance. It is a better fantasy without. It is a more childlike and innocent fantasy, but infinitely more rewarding to both my conscious mind, and my subconscious, than my fantasy life was prior.

Conjuring up the situation of a shared back and foot massage, with a partner that desires nothing more than that, has proven intensely satisfying. It satisfies in a way that the fantasy of a sexual encounter never could for me.

I have heard essentially the same thought from several of my friends in the eunuch community who are not using any hormone replacement therapy. Hugging, cuddling, long massages are intensely satisfying. I'm happy for you that you have found your place.

[justjustin (imported)]

Except that I couldn't find it, : (

[Cainanite (imported)]

Except that I couldn't find it, : (

It was waiting to be edited for the new archive. It will show up after the next update. It can also be found on the internet Wayback machine.

I've edited it now, and had a chance to read it. It's a beautiful little story about two people finding a more passionate way to express their physical side, without penetration. Very apropos to what I was talking about.

Thanks for recommending it to me, Greg.

[Lasander (imported)]

As to relationships, I'm realizing it could be a man, it could be a woman. Its not a sexual relationship I'm looking for. What I have in my pants, or what my imagined partner has in their pants doesn't come into my current fantasies.

This is something I've noticed recently. I sit and feel perplexed I cant tell the difference if I am asexual or bisexual... I guess what I want is attention and physical touch and if sex isn't in the picture then terms like heterosexual or homosexual doesnt really matter anymore. I still occasionally have sexual thoughts but I blame that on lowering my dose of Siterone but I still prolly shouldnt feel so guilty about it.

Can I ever be taken seriously as MtE if I'm not burning with desire to get it over with?

I hang around a few transgender boards and the topic of "Not burning with desire to get surgery" comes up from time to time. Other than a few trannier-than-thou individuals the consensus that is usually reached is that their gender identity is still valid. On youtube there is a person I subscribe to that doesnt even have a pressing need to take hormones and she still considers herself a woman. Some people do not take her seriously because of this but that is their problem as far as she is concerned.

Surgery is expensive and can have some nasty complications and that is reason enough for many people to not have it.

Oh, and I love your comparisons of sex to burps and rashes! This amused me greatly and were great comparisons at the same time.