I have had episodes in my life where the drive to murder my testicles has been overpowering. I guess I really need to translate that. I've made attempts, uneducated and ineffective, at making my testicles croak. Mostly banding and clamping. All those times I was just making do with things I had on hand and some of the things I have done had interesting results. Once I fashioned a clamping thing which was like two small boards to crush my testicles between them. I was careful and slow and left everything in place for about 40 minutes and when I removed the clamps and boards my testicles were flat and unbelievably thin. Testicles are very resilient!
So, over the years I have developed concerns about my long term use of hormones. I periodicallytake a break from hormones because I have been taking estrogen since 1975. Everytime I take a break my T goes up and that's when I get the urge to take matters in my own hands.
To hurry up and get to the point, I'm in that stage right now and yesterday bought an elastrator and bands. I used it almost immediately but only left the band on for about 10 minutes. Tonight I did a repeat and here are my thoughts. The elastrator is way too scarey for me. Banding myself the first time was like taking heroine. Once I got the twins through the band I was on auto pilot slipping the band off the prongs. This seemed pretty serious and I was afraid. My fear was that I was unfamiliar with this and didn't want things to get to a point where I would require assistance. The last thing I want is to wind up in an emergency room.
Tonight I used it again for about 10 minutes and I'm hoping I have the strength to throw this thing away. Two short sessions and I'm sore from it. I sense an Addiction to this and that really frightens me. I'm getting surgically castrated after New Years when my business will be really slow so I won't have to take very much estrogen afterward and I'll never do risky things like banding myself.
My life has been going pretty good if you don't count the economy. I've been struggling financially but my head has been in a good place for quite a while and this thing with banding myself feels like I'm putting that at risk.
Banding
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Charlotte (imported)
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C&TL2745 (imported)
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Re: Banding
Charlotte (imported) wrote: Sun Oct 09, 2011 10:25 pm I have had episodes in my life where the drive to murder my testicles has been overpowering. .... I sense an Addiction to this and that really frightens me. .... I've been struggling financially but my head has been in a good place for quite a while and this thing with banding myself feels like I'm putting that at risk.
Things that scare the hell out of you cause your body to produce adrenaline. Things that cause pain cause your body to produce endorphins. Both of these chemicals affect the brain and, it appears, can produce real addiction--a chemical dependency upon activities that produce these chemicals. Testosterone can also increase risk-taking, thrill-seeking behavior, which may be why you see more men than women in highly risky activities and more young men than old. (I'm speaking from life experience here, not from medical training, so take my observations for what you think they're worth.)
My husband has noted that when I tie him up and beat his testicles and threaten to cut off his penis, it produces the same effect on him that others get from sky diving, bungee jumping and other dangerous activities. I try to accommodate his love of these activities while keeping things relatively safe, and it has worked for 20 years, but I know that if I stopped doing these things to him, he'd just find a way to put his own genitals at risk, with likely serious results.
So if you recognize that you do indeed have a real chemical-dependency sort of addiction, albeit to chemicals your body produces naturally, what can you do? Perhaps you can find another activity that produces these chemicals. For some, marathon running produces a "runner's high" from endorphins that result from the activity, and they get hooked on running in much the same way you're hooked on activities that risk destruction of your testicles. Perhaps you can find an activity that you find exciting and possibly somewhat painful that can give you the same adrenaline/endorphin boost but without as much risk.
I wish you well in any case.
Sandi
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Cainanite (imported)
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Re: Banding
Please Charlotte,
Don't hurt yourself. I know the love hate relationship with those orbs can be pretty consuming. Right now you have a plan. You have your surgery planned. Stick to that plan. Banding is not ideal for humans. If you are a calf or a sheep, sure. Humans, not so much.
I wish I had more experience to share with you about testicular torture. I have a different path from you, but that doesn't stop me from being scared for you.
The closest story I can relate to you, comes from my teen years. The appendages in question were toes, not testicles, but an analogy could be made.
All my life as a child I suffered from ingrown toenails. They drove me insane with pain. The constant infections hobbling me. It was torture. I finally had my big toes surgically corrected, and I could walk more easily. However my little toes still caused me a great deal of pain. I don't know why, but the doctors weren't as concerned about them, and left me with that problem. As I saw it, a problem to deal with on my own.
The nails of my little toes would rip into the skin, infections would arise, and the pain was terrible. Worse, the only way to avoid the ingrown toenail problem was to let the toenail grow out. When I did that, the toenail would rip into the side of the second smallest toe.
When I was about fifteen, I had had enough. I sat down in my bedroom with nail clippers, an Exact-o knife, a pair of pliers, and a hobby knife (basically a scalpel with a wooden handle.) In a fit of what must have been insanity, I calmly and cooly set about removing the offending nails. I did this with no anesthetic, and only a towel to catch the blood. I cut into the skin around the nail with the hobby knife, and worked the Exact-o blade under the nail to separate it from the quick. I pried the nail up and out to where I could flex it, and could feel where the nail attached to the root beneath. With a combination of the pliers for grip on the nail, and the hobby knife, I actually ripped the offending nail right out of my toe. I used the nail clippers to trim up the hanging skin around the toe, then wrapped the toe in Kleenex, and scotch tape.
I was in a state of... I don't know what. The pain was incredible, and I was inflicting it on myself.
Then I repeated the process on my other little toe. I was in a pure manic state when I was done, but the manic state does not last. When I crashed, I crashed hard.
For days afterward I was in agony. I emptied pretty much every bottle of aspirin in the house in an attempt to control the pain. I didn't dare tell anyone what I had done to myself. My toes turned every shade of yuck you can imagine. The swelled up pretty bad, and it was almost a week before the last of the bleeding stopped. Naturally I got an infection.
Luckily, my sister had a penchant for getting piercings. She had several bottles of peroxide and rubbing alcohol around, and bags of cotton balls. I was a pretty resourceful kid, so I figured out what to do. I sterilized my hobby knife over a candle, and washed it in rubbing alcohol. After I had a bath, I scraped out the puss, and ooze in my little toes. Let me tell you. Scraping out the infection hurt so much more than removing the toenail. I can't even tell you how much that hurt. After I cleaned the wounds (and somehow remained conscious.) I cleaned the toe first with peroxide, and then with the rubbing alcohol. When I was finished I packed the toes with cotton balls, and that ointment meant to go on band-aids.
After a while, the infection went away, and my toes healed. I was VERY VERY lucky I didn't end up in the hospital.
Today my little toes still develop a small nail, but there is no quick at all. The toenail grows at a 90 degree angle to the toe. I keep it trimmed so close, you might not think I even have a nail on those toes. I did manage to solve the ingrown toenail problem, but things could very easily have gone wrong for me. The adult I am now wants to knock the head of the fifteen year old I was. I could have hit a vein. I could have died of infection. I could have lost the toes. I took a giant risk, with no real plan for what might go wrong.
And those were just toes.
You are talking about testicles.
Testicles are so much more of a complicated part of the body. There are very big veins running to each testicle that could easily carry infection to the rest of your body. Not to mention blood clots. There are so many more nerves in your testicles than there are in my toes. If you truly manage to damage yourself while in a manic state, when you crash... well I wouldn't want to be you.
I know my pitiful story pales by comparison to yours. I know a toe is not a testicle. I just want you to know that in my small way, I understand what you are going through.
I know what it is like to hate a part of my body badly enough to take action against it. I know the manic state you can enter where the goal of what you want supersedes any pain you are feeling. I don't wish the pain of that infection on my worst enemy.
You are not a dumb fifteen year old kid. You are an adult. You have your plan. You can be more adult than I was. You know the consequences of your actions better than I ever did.
Stick to your plan, and live your life, knowing you are making the right decision for yourself. Put away, or throw away the banding tool. You can do it.
Sorry for the long post. I'm known as a bit wordy on this site. I'm pretty wordy in real life too.
Stay safe.
Don't hurt yourself. I know the love hate relationship with those orbs can be pretty consuming. Right now you have a plan. You have your surgery planned. Stick to that plan. Banding is not ideal for humans. If you are a calf or a sheep, sure. Humans, not so much.
I wish I had more experience to share with you about testicular torture. I have a different path from you, but that doesn't stop me from being scared for you.
The closest story I can relate to you, comes from my teen years. The appendages in question were toes, not testicles, but an analogy could be made.
All my life as a child I suffered from ingrown toenails. They drove me insane with pain. The constant infections hobbling me. It was torture. I finally had my big toes surgically corrected, and I could walk more easily. However my little toes still caused me a great deal of pain. I don't know why, but the doctors weren't as concerned about them, and left me with that problem. As I saw it, a problem to deal with on my own.
The nails of my little toes would rip into the skin, infections would arise, and the pain was terrible. Worse, the only way to avoid the ingrown toenail problem was to let the toenail grow out. When I did that, the toenail would rip into the side of the second smallest toe.
When I was about fifteen, I had had enough. I sat down in my bedroom with nail clippers, an Exact-o knife, a pair of pliers, and a hobby knife (basically a scalpel with a wooden handle.) In a fit of what must have been insanity, I calmly and cooly set about removing the offending nails. I did this with no anesthetic, and only a towel to catch the blood. I cut into the skin around the nail with the hobby knife, and worked the Exact-o blade under the nail to separate it from the quick. I pried the nail up and out to where I could flex it, and could feel where the nail attached to the root beneath. With a combination of the pliers for grip on the nail, and the hobby knife, I actually ripped the offending nail right out of my toe. I used the nail clippers to trim up the hanging skin around the toe, then wrapped the toe in Kleenex, and scotch tape.
I was in a state of... I don't know what. The pain was incredible, and I was inflicting it on myself.
Then I repeated the process on my other little toe. I was in a pure manic state when I was done, but the manic state does not last. When I crashed, I crashed hard.
For days afterward I was in agony. I emptied pretty much every bottle of aspirin in the house in an attempt to control the pain. I didn't dare tell anyone what I had done to myself. My toes turned every shade of yuck you can imagine. The swelled up pretty bad, and it was almost a week before the last of the bleeding stopped. Naturally I got an infection.
Luckily, my sister had a penchant for getting piercings. She had several bottles of peroxide and rubbing alcohol around, and bags of cotton balls. I was a pretty resourceful kid, so I figured out what to do. I sterilized my hobby knife over a candle, and washed it in rubbing alcohol. After I had a bath, I scraped out the puss, and ooze in my little toes. Let me tell you. Scraping out the infection hurt so much more than removing the toenail. I can't even tell you how much that hurt. After I cleaned the wounds (and somehow remained conscious.) I cleaned the toe first with peroxide, and then with the rubbing alcohol. When I was finished I packed the toes with cotton balls, and that ointment meant to go on band-aids.
After a while, the infection went away, and my toes healed. I was VERY VERY lucky I didn't end up in the hospital.
Today my little toes still develop a small nail, but there is no quick at all. The toenail grows at a 90 degree angle to the toe. I keep it trimmed so close, you might not think I even have a nail on those toes. I did manage to solve the ingrown toenail problem, but things could very easily have gone wrong for me. The adult I am now wants to knock the head of the fifteen year old I was. I could have hit a vein. I could have died of infection. I could have lost the toes. I took a giant risk, with no real plan for what might go wrong.
And those were just toes.
You are talking about testicles.
Testicles are so much more of a complicated part of the body. There are very big veins running to each testicle that could easily carry infection to the rest of your body. Not to mention blood clots. There are so many more nerves in your testicles than there are in my toes. If you truly manage to damage yourself while in a manic state, when you crash... well I wouldn't want to be you.
I know my pitiful story pales by comparison to yours. I know a toe is not a testicle. I just want you to know that in my small way, I understand what you are going through.
I know what it is like to hate a part of my body badly enough to take action against it. I know the manic state you can enter where the goal of what you want supersedes any pain you are feeling. I don't wish the pain of that infection on my worst enemy.
You are not a dumb fifteen year old kid. You are an adult. You have your plan. You can be more adult than I was. You know the consequences of your actions better than I ever did.
Stick to your plan, and live your life, knowing you are making the right decision for yourself. Put away, or throw away the banding tool. You can do it.
Sorry for the long post. I'm known as a bit wordy on this site. I'm pretty wordy in real life too.
Stay safe.
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Charlotte (imported)
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Re: Banding
Hey there,
I really appreciate your responses. I've only had maybe a half dozen periods where I've done anything like this and those periods have involved as little as 1 session to maybe 3 or 4. While there is this incredible rush associated with it, I run back to estrogen and finasteride as fast as I can and then I find myself out of the danger zone pretty fast.
Back in 1975 I was involved in a double blind study of the effects of estrogen on transgendered/transsexual patients. At the end of the study it was explained to me that when I had more estrogen my psychological or psychiatric profile became more normal.
I'm still married but we haven't shared the same bed for 20 years. I was transitioned when we met so there were no surprises for her except for the desire to be castrated, which in the case of someone who is living as a woman already, really shouldn't be all that big a surprise, but still I get the significance of it. It is kind of a big thing. Before I discovered this ritualized form of emasculation I used felatio for the same purpose. I have never been romantically attracted to men, but felatio was a somewhat safer way to snuff out my masculinity, but each time I did it it always seemed like a non-event. Unfortunately, it is what ended the physical relationship with my wife. She slipped a dildo in my mouth and I accepted it. That was the last time we were intimate.
I'm a fraidy cat for the most part. This elastrator is just a more serious implement than anything I've done before. Since I don't have a sexual partner this thing has to go.
Anyway, this board seems like a safe place to talk about my issues and hopefully my T will drop pretty quick and I'll be out of this episode. Thanks for providing a place where I felt safe enough to post.
I really appreciate your responses. I've only had maybe a half dozen periods where I've done anything like this and those periods have involved as little as 1 session to maybe 3 or 4. While there is this incredible rush associated with it, I run back to estrogen and finasteride as fast as I can and then I find myself out of the danger zone pretty fast.
Back in 1975 I was involved in a double blind study of the effects of estrogen on transgendered/transsexual patients. At the end of the study it was explained to me that when I had more estrogen my psychological or psychiatric profile became more normal.
I'm still married but we haven't shared the same bed for 20 years. I was transitioned when we met so there were no surprises for her except for the desire to be castrated, which in the case of someone who is living as a woman already, really shouldn't be all that big a surprise, but still I get the significance of it. It is kind of a big thing. Before I discovered this ritualized form of emasculation I used felatio for the same purpose. I have never been romantically attracted to men, but felatio was a somewhat safer way to snuff out my masculinity, but each time I did it it always seemed like a non-event. Unfortunately, it is what ended the physical relationship with my wife. She slipped a dildo in my mouth and I accepted it. That was the last time we were intimate.
I'm a fraidy cat for the most part. This elastrator is just a more serious implement than anything I've done before. Since I don't have a sexual partner this thing has to go.
Anyway, this board seems like a safe place to talk about my issues and hopefully my T will drop pretty quick and I'll be out of this episode. Thanks for providing a place where I felt safe enough to post.
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Charlotte (imported)
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Re: Banding
Well, although I haven't thrown the thing away, I have gotten my premarin and finasteride out of the pantry and will be double dosing for about a week to get me past this. I have always had rather low levels of testosterone and I can't imagine what it would be like to deal with the levels that some people have. While taking 2.5 mg of premarin per day my T levels were about 30 and I don't know what that means except that my doctor told me that it is less than most genetic females have. I'm setting an apointment today with my Dr. and discussing the date for my surgery. This repeated risky behavior needs to stop but I know that I'll repeat it if my T levels go up again. I'm still a little sore from the two bandings.
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Charlotte (imported)
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Re: Banding
So, just to give you guys an update on my two episodes of banding that totaled about 20 minutes. The brusing is still there and sore to the touch.
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Cainanite (imported)
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Re: Banding
Thank you for updating us. I really hope you get your desire for castration the right way, in a doctor's office or surgery suite. It will be better to lose them where it is safe, and the proper precautions can be taken.
It is the addictive nature of the banding that is the biggest problem. Addiction combined with a rise in testosterone levels is a bad combo. I hope your doctor chooses to act quickly for your benefit. I'm rooting for you.
Your story is quite the eye opener for me. I wasn't aware that the desire could actually be addictive. My experience with testosterone has been something like yours. I feel more active and energetic when I have a sustained amount. I go through mood swings (depression and rage) when they bottom out. Of course for me, I didn't know that was happening until recently. As someone who has been hypogonadal since childhood, my testicles produce T intermittently, just enough to hook my body on the hormone. When it crashes, I go through something like withdrawal, until my body gets used to the lowered levels. I've been on that roller-coaster ride my whole life, but only found out why this year.
During the periods where my T is the lowest, and I've come out of the withdrawal phase, I feel quite normal, and oddly creative. I seem to do my best thinking and my best work when the T is out of my system. When the T is back in my system, I feel more active, and energetic, but I don't get as much done creatively. When I am high on T, I do more physical activities like cleaning my house, moving things around, I need to use my body more, but thinking takes a back seat. I'm more likely to injure myself on a project with my T induced "get-er-done" attitude. It is like living as two different people.
If I had to choose between the two people I can be, then I would happily choose the low T version of myself. It is the transition between high to low T that gives me the most problems.
Your story is educational for me, and I again truly thank-you for sharing it. I know for me, the knowledge of what is happening with my body hormonally helps me control my moods better. Knowing that a bad mood is coming from low testosterone allows me to recognize it and take steps to correct my attitude. Knowing when I am High on T lets me know to slow down a bit and think things through. Hopefully knowing and recognizing that T is influencing your addiction to banding can help you better control your desires.
I wish you all the best.
It is the addictive nature of the banding that is the biggest problem. Addiction combined with a rise in testosterone levels is a bad combo. I hope your doctor chooses to act quickly for your benefit. I'm rooting for you.
Your story is quite the eye opener for me. I wasn't aware that the desire could actually be addictive. My experience with testosterone has been something like yours. I feel more active and energetic when I have a sustained amount. I go through mood swings (depression and rage) when they bottom out. Of course for me, I didn't know that was happening until recently. As someone who has been hypogonadal since childhood, my testicles produce T intermittently, just enough to hook my body on the hormone. When it crashes, I go through something like withdrawal, until my body gets used to the lowered levels. I've been on that roller-coaster ride my whole life, but only found out why this year.
During the periods where my T is the lowest, and I've come out of the withdrawal phase, I feel quite normal, and oddly creative. I seem to do my best thinking and my best work when the T is out of my system. When the T is back in my system, I feel more active, and energetic, but I don't get as much done creatively. When I am high on T, I do more physical activities like cleaning my house, moving things around, I need to use my body more, but thinking takes a back seat. I'm more likely to injure myself on a project with my T induced "get-er-done" attitude. It is like living as two different people.
If I had to choose between the two people I can be, then I would happily choose the low T version of myself. It is the transition between high to low T that gives me the most problems.
Your story is educational for me, and I again truly thank-you for sharing it. I know for me, the knowledge of what is happening with my body hormonally helps me control my moods better. Knowing that a bad mood is coming from low testosterone allows me to recognize it and take steps to correct my attitude. Knowing when I am High on T lets me know to slow down a bit and think things through. Hopefully knowing and recognizing that T is influencing your addiction to banding can help you better control your desires.
I wish you all the best.
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Charlotte (imported)
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Re: Banding
It's interesting to see how different people respond to hormones differently. My T levels were never high but I seem to over respond to the presence of relatively low levels of it. Addiction is a funny thing, I have no chance of becoming addicted to alcohol or drugs. I get nothing from them that I like when I've done them.
I remember being referred to as "she" the first time shortly after starting estrogen and I thought I was going to faint. It was the most wonderful feeling I had ever experienced in my life. It was physical and emotional. The other night my first experience with the band was very similar.
I've been transitioned for quite some time now and I still LOVE hearing she and her and mam. I think I'll enjoy my orchiectomy for years to come as well. Thanks for the response.
BTW, I'm amazed when I noticed how many people have checked this thread out.
I remember being referred to as "she" the first time shortly after starting estrogen and I thought I was going to faint. It was the most wonderful feeling I had ever experienced in my life. It was physical and emotional. The other night my first experience with the band was very similar.
I've been transitioned for quite some time now and I still LOVE hearing she and her and mam. I think I'll enjoy my orchiectomy for years to come as well. Thanks for the response.
BTW, I'm amazed when I noticed how many people have checked this thread out.
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Charlotte (imported)
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Re: Banding
As an update on what's going on with my situation, (and I wonder if this shouldn't all be in the blog area), I've only been back on premarin and finasteride for a week and my T levels have to be WAY down now. I've always been very receptive to hormones, so the speed is what I've always been accustomed to. Libido is virtually gone, erections difficult to obtain, and looking forward to the smaller sizes.
The inclination to band or do anything like that seems like a bad dream. I feel normal, whatever that is, and my mind is on whatever I need to be doing rather than being hormonally railroaded. My energy levels are fine, but I do find I'm more ready for sleep after coming home from work and my sleep is better, i.e., undisturbed.
My Dr's appointment is in 2 weeks and I'll probably tell her about my little episode.
The inclination to band or do anything like that seems like a bad dream. I feel normal, whatever that is, and my mind is on whatever I need to be doing rather than being hormonally railroaded. My energy levels are fine, but I do find I'm more ready for sleep after coming home from work and my sleep is better, i.e., undisturbed.
My Dr's appointment is in 2 weeks and I'll probably tell her about my little episode.
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Charlotte (imported)
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Re: Banding
Additional follow up. Back in the groove so to speak on taking my estrogen and finasteride. I doubled up on the meds for the first week and have been taking my normal prescribed doses now and I'm feeling so far away from where I was when I started this thread. It's a shame that testosterone is so toxic to me. I can't tolerate it very well.
Right now I'm feeling OK. I don't have the drive to get altered, but I feel that it is likely the correct move so that I don't run the risk of hurting myself in the future. My appointment with my dr. will be in a couple of weeks and I'll give you guys and girls an update afterward.
Right now I'm feeling OK. I don't have the drive to get altered, but I feel that it is likely the correct move so that I don't run the risk of hurting myself in the future. My appointment with my dr. will be in a couple of weeks and I'll give you guys and girls an update afterward.