New to the archive, curious, and looking for comraderie.

[modernist (imported)]

Hi, there. I'm relatively new to the archive, and would like to share a bit about my desires. I feel that my needs are not quite traditional, but I could be mistaken. I do not desire a loss of my sex drive, or demasculinization. Indeed, I just want my body to be more streamlined and elegant, thus free of the awkward dangly bits. My testicles and penis feel awkward, and although I do not loathe or obsess about their presence, their absence would be heartily welcomed. I wish to use a medium dose of HRT -- mainly to stem osteoporosis and gynecomastia. I do not have sex, I do not masturbate, in fact the only thing I find my penis useful for is to pee standing up, and even that can be circumnavigated. I should probably experience penetrative sex before I make any decisions, (to weigh costs and benefits), however nonexistent my libido may be. I do not rule out sexual relationships in the future.

I would sincerely appreciate any advice or admonishment etc. from the more experienced members of the archive.

Love to all,

J.

[Cainanite (imported)]

Welcome to the EA, modernist.

I myself have a very low sex drive, due to a condition called hypogonadism. It causes low and uneven levels of testosterone in my body. It is a condition I've had since childhood. If I lost my minimal sex drive tomorrow, I'd not miss it. I understand what you mean about disliking your body and wanting a more streamlined shape. This is not an uncommon view here on the forums.

I am hardly one of the most experienced members here on the archive, but I wanted to greet you and let you know you are not alone. I don't have a lot of advice for you other than to take things slowly and see where your desires lead you. Nobody here is going to tell you to hurry up and get it done. We'll advise caution and prudence every time.

Don't worry that your desires don't fit a prescribed mold of expectation. The eunuch experience is extremely varied and diverse. I don't think any two people have the exact same story, though we all have common ground.

For me, I went almost my entire life wondering why I had such a diminished sex drive as compared to other men. I was ashamed of my body and confused. I latched onto the eunuch idea, because I hated my sex or lack of it. I've only just come to understand why I've felt the way I have. This April, when I finally learned what had been wrong with me, when I got my hypogonadism diagnosis.

The EA forums have been invaluable to me, and much more informative than other sites dedicated to my condition. On the hypogonadism support sites, the entire thrust was to restore or create a "normal" male libido. Only here do I find acceptance for not wanting to be sexual, and acceptance for wanting to end my sexual feelings all together.

No one here will question your reasons. We'll talk about what your decisions could mean to you. We'll warn of possible pitfalls. We'll be a sounding board when you are confused or feeling alone. We can't tell you what you should do, or how to get it done, but maybe we can help you find the right path for you.

You suggest in your post that you haven't had sex yet. Or did I misinterpret what you said about wanting to experience penetrative sex? Is this a big issue for you? Is it something you'd feel regret about? I can tell you that for me, with a very low sex drive, intercourse was less enjoyable than masturbation. It is not something that I'd miss. However, if you are seeking castration or penectomy, or both, those things are irreversible. Once that bridge is crossed it cannot be uncrossed. You can't unring that bell.

From your profile, I see you are an adult man. You are at a stage where things aren't going to change much in the next few years. You have a long life ahead of you. Don't decide too quickly about something you might regret.

Keep posting and let us know a little bit more about you. There is a lot of good advice to be had around here. No one here will judge what you desire.

Once again, welcome.

[Riverwind (imported)]

Good advice, I would like to add welcome to the board, and its true your not alone there are many here who share your wants and desires.

I do have a question for you as I read your profile I noticed you said you were born in 1992 and 1982 so you are 19 or 29. Could you fix this and tell us a bit more about yourself.

River

[devi (imported)]

Welcome to the mess.

Anyway, I'm somewhat similar to you. I do remember when I was in my twenties, skinny for my build being at around 115 lbs, 52kg at 5'5", 16.5 wondering what that stupid little thing was doing down there. Apparently I was a fantastic break (slam) dancer though before it became mainstream (early blue jean disco days) -Hope to say more later.

[modernist (imported)]

hahahaha, I know what you mean.

Cainanite, you have a good point. I should probably look into hypogonadism. I find stimulation extremeley unpleasant; but if and when I do indeed experience relations, I need to decide whether it is an activity worth continuing. I have a lot of thought to do, and don't want to make any regrettable decisions. I have decided only to pursue surgical/sterile situations. The post about Dr. Arnkoff has been intriguing.

I am 19 (typo on my profile, don't know how to change it) and I have an entire life ahead of me to think.

Also, any thoughts on HRT? Experiences? I really am new to this.

[humlind1 (imported)]

I see where you come from.

In my case, ita a lot different. as its a medical situation that started it all. never decended.

Do the understanding of no balls(cock) is quite simulare to you.

i trully belive that life will improve for me.

No hot rashes. No nutts that hurt inside my body.

This i trully crave for.

and even my dock have sad it has to be done with in 0-4 years(the nutts)

Do i cant understand what rge use for a dick that cant do anything shoud be good for.

so thanks for your great post moderist.

its great to see some say things like that.

so thanks a heeps.

[Cainanite (imported)]

hahahaha, I know what you mean.

Cainanite, you have a good point. I should probably look into hypogonadism. I find stimulation extremeley unpleasant; but if and when I do indeed experience relations, I need to decide whether it is an activity worth continuing. I have a lot of thought to do, and don't want to make any regrettable decisions. I have decided only to pursue surgical/sterile situations. The post about Dr. Arnkoff has been intriguing.

I am 19 (typo on my profile, don't know how to change it) and I have an entire life ahead of me to think.

Also, any thoughts on HRT? Experiences? I really am new to this.

I'm still not really too interested in taking a hormone replacement. For right now I don't have any issues that would force me to take it. No bone density issues, or anything like that. My doctor and I are working on other methods of controlling my weight and mood swings before we go the testosterone route. He is aware that I am not looking to create a brand new sex drive for myself, and he is not pressuring me to take hormones. He has been very understanding about my wishing to remain asexual.

I have a feeling that if I broach the subject, he may be open to starting me on some kind of chemical castration, but I'm not going to go that way until we've built a better relationship. For right now, I'm not ready.

My next step is to get an ultrasound on my abdomen. My doctor is concerned because I carry more weight around my pelvis and thighs. As most of the important organs are contained in this area, he wants to make sure they are healthy before he prescribes anything life changing. My blood work has been fine (oddly) I have normal cholesterol levels, normal blood sugar levels, and no sign of any other diseases except low testosterone. According to my doctor this is unusual. I guess he figures I should have more wrong with me. Kawasaki's disease, which was my trigger event for my hypogonadism also has an effect on blood flow, and veins, that can carry through to adulthood. Even now I still can't donate blood, because my veins are too small, and hard to find. That may be part of his caution. When I have blood tests done, it usually takes 8 to 10 tries to find a vein, then the vein closes off pretty quickly.

Long story short, I don't have a lot of advise on HRT. Though I'm sure other people can give you better information. Keep coming back. I'd be interested to hear more about your progress.

[feedback (imported)]

I am much older than both of you but would also like to free of my male parts, HRT has kept me healthy but has not done much for me in the way of enhanced libido. I have got to the piont I only use some in the summer when I need to do more physical work. The rest of the year I am content to go without.

[modernist (imported)]

Thanks all for the advice. I still need to look into such things as fertility (don't want kids, but that could change (adoption?)) and the cost of HRT, not to mention surgery, and what is available where, and what insurance will or will not pay for. Can it be listed as cancer prevention? My family has no history. I have years and years to think and think and think. My gripe is that the lump between my legs just feels strange. I can't sit for long periods of time without feeling uncomfortable, due to the presence of unwieldy appendages. As for sex drive, it is what it is. Hormones; whatever staves off osteoporosis and gynecomastia is good (I already have mild gynecomastia, and I'm rather lean, so it could have something to do with low T).

Comments, suggestions, always appreciated.

[Cainanite (imported)]

It sounds like you've been doing the right amount of thinking about this.

If I were to recommend anything, it would be to start regular check-ups with your doctor, just to make sure there is no underlying physical problem. When I talked to my current doctor (who took me a couple of months to find). I was scared witless about revealing that I was asexual, and wanted to look into hormones because of my hypogonadism. Even though I had already been diagnosed at a walk-in centre, I knew I had to start the whole process over again with a new doctor. Admitting to another male (in person) that you are not "normal" is very scary. I nearly choked on my own words.

How I got through it was to speak in "medicaleeze" ( my own word). Instead of saying I have limited hair on my body, fat deposits like a woman, and tiny genitalia, I just stuck to talking about hypogonadism, and my childhood history of bilateral orchitis, and my interest in hormone replacement therapy. It got me through admitting it out loud to a complete stranger.

I think having a good relationship with your doctor is paramount. Whatever you decide for your future, finding a good doctor, and beginning that conversation is a must.

You seem smart, and possibly well educated. Use that to your advantage. If you can, I'd recommend avoiding the psychotherapy aspect of things for a while. My experience with psychoanalysts was not very positive, and I've heard from others that the science of understanding people like us is woefully lacking. There may be some people with good experiences talking to a shrink about desiring self castration, but I haven't heard from them. You want to avoid ending up under psychiatric observation because you admitted you'd like to be a eunuch. (just my experiences here. Again, someone else may have a different opinion on this.)

Good choice on wanting it done in a sterile environment, and in a proper medical setting. If I pursue it for myself, I know that's what I want. The biggest problems will come if you try something stupid like hacking them off yourself, or going to some chat-room charlatan. That way would be a good way to end up in a hospital fighting for your life if you're lucky, dead if you're not lucky.

If it is something you really desire. Nothing I, or anyone else can say will stop you. Just be safe, and be smart. We'll be here if you need us.