A pirate after 50

[woofpuppy (imported)]

I am an old, fat and ugly crossdresser who has been blessed with two wonderful young women who look to me as their father figure. Hummmmm go figure? Now I never would have dreamed in a million years that this would have happened. As I look back at my own life, I have made more mistakes than I think is humanly possible. I almost fell out of the shallow end of the gene pool and became a registered member of the darwin's list on several occasions. Love, life and friendship have not come easy for me. I now know that my life experiences have given me a vast wealth of untapped resources to draw upon as a mentor, father and friend.

I would never want to replace their fathers, and will never do so. There is a chance that one man will someday realize what a bright and beautiful daughter he has and build a relationship with her. Sadly for the other there is no possibility of this ever happening (sigh). My daughters are in their early 20's and are so full of energy that I find it hard to keep up with them. But I try my best. This is a learning experience for all of us. I have to be a good listener and offer the best advice when I can. That said I have to judge when offering advice is the best response. We learn as we grow and making mistakes is part of living. Like the caveman, the first time he encountered fire. The caveman stuck his finger in the flame and got burned, then he thought "That hurt.....I won't do that again". You can't shield them from all of the hurt and frustrations the world has to offer, but you can be their to help pick up the pieces and gently nudge them forward in their lives.

That being said we have fun being ourselves. They fully accept my lifestyle! In this thread I will call my daughters Bee and Kay. I have seen Bee through life and romance issues that were very hard to deal with. She has survived and has made great progress. She still makes some boneheaded decisions but I keep quiet and await the results, all part of developing common sense. I admit I am not an, all seeing all knowing person and I still make mistakes too. Kay is doing good, she has lately been questioning what she wants in life and somehow I don't think that being a "Bounty Hunter" is a good choice for her. I think I will set her down and tell her of my experiences as a brig chaser in the navy.

Bee lives with me and sometimes we can get on each others nerves. It is a constant struggle to keep the bathroom from becoming a minefield of future accidents. Hummmm, I wonder if I had been born a female if I would have been the same way? Being what I am I guess my fem/masc side balances out. I do spend time in the bathroom when I dress, but I don,t leave it looking like a war zone. We fight about doing the dishes and cleaning the apartment. But its all good, we agree and "get er done".

On my life, Bee is concerned that I don't dress anymore. I am getting older and am having a hard time dealing with my body image. Don't get me wrong I have learned to like myself more as a person but I don't believe I will ever reach my goal. I packed up all my female articles and "Lynn" is gone. I do not talk about it with Bee. I keep these feelings to myself, no need to burden her with my problems. I was comfortable with going out in public, did not give a darn what others thought! So some time off is required and lots of thinking needed. My ex said I had the patience of a rock and the tenacity of a Pit Bull so I know I will work through this issue.

I think I will be a successful father when I can teach Bee how to fry an egg. Bee aproaches frying with one thought Maximum heat. I think I will get her her own monogramed nonstick frying pan. Bee and frying = flash fire. I never heard a egg screem until she fried one. Kay is no better, she comes over and makes herself coffee and if I am not there she leaves the used grounds in the coffee maker. I don't drink coffee at home that often, but when I do guess what I find? Yep a moldy mess. Once the mold looked like it had two eyes and I swore one winked at me!.

Well thats all for now, I hope everyone on EA has a great day!

[woofpuppy (imported)]

Today, I. Thought about my situation. I am going to my doctor and see if I can start on T blocker. I am really concerned with the side effects. I am diabetic, have high blood pressure. I want to move forward and not stay in one place spinning my wheels. This really scares me because if it goes wrong I could be paying a high price with my health. The other option is surgery but there is no going back. Depression is another issue, would not like to deal with that along with the other concerns.

I have lived a lifetime of abuse at the hands of others. I survived and made significant progress. I like myself as a person and have become stronger for it. Ten years ago I would not have let anyone touch me. Now I look forward to the hugs I get from my daughters. That being said, I feel that T has control over my life. I would rather live life without a sex drive. I still can not deal with intamacy, haven't made it that far in the healing process. So here I sit, with a high sex drive and afraid to be with another person.

In my younger days I lived with a man who prefered that I present as a woman 24/7. It was wonderful but he passed away. He was in the medical profession and was going to do the surgery. He was kind and gentle. When he passed away, something inside me died and I never dressed again untill two years ago. I. Found the courage to start dressing again, but time has taken its toll.

As a child I was given estrogen, just another form of abuse. I wonder how that affected my personality. The doctor was a pedo, so please don't ask as no details will be given. I just mentioned it as an example of the abuse I went through. That is now in the past can't be changed and I have learned to deal with it. I would look upon any advice as a blessing. I am sure there are many kind people on EA that could help me starting with how I aproach my doctor without getting thrown out of his office.

On a lighter note Bee decided to make french toast for breakfast, high heat and no oil in the pan. I think you know where this went!. Well that's all for now, hope everyone on EA has a wonderful night. Ps please excuse the spelling, no dictionary was handy.

[woofpuppy (imported)]

Verrrrry busy at work tonight. I often wonder if I have the strength to keep dealing with the stressful situations at work. I am looking into changing jobs. Might start applying for a different type of work. There is a job fair coming up this week. I have a few days to decide if I want to start looking.

My dr. appointment is coming up this week, and I have to decide what I want to tell him. Well I have to get going. Everybody on EA have a wonderful night.

[woofpuppy (imported)]

Tomorrow I go to the dr. I plan on telling him about my struggle with my high sex drive and what I want to do to solve the problem. I hope he can understand and help me. I will also have my therapist talk to him. I hope I have a good conclusion to this visit. Well that's all for now everybody on EA have a good night.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Good luck Woof....smooches Jackie

[woofpuppy (imported)]

I went to my dr. Appointment. My dr. Is out for an extended period of time. The new Dr. Is one that I work with at the hospital. I did not feel comfortable discussing my T problem with him. Not sure now what to do. I am going to talk to my therapist and hopefully get a letter from her. Then another Dr.?. My checkup went well, just a few minor things I have to work on. I have lost some weight. It's coming off slowly but I will eventually reach my goal. I have to be patient and try not to push things too fast. I do know that I am loosing sleep over the T problem and I think I will have to talk to my therapist.

Bee went to the ballgame with her bf. She is much happier in her new relationship. I hope this will continue. Kay is doing well. I decided to postpone my job search for a while, I have many other things to do snd since I am still working, I will sit back and make a plan on what I want and not just leap at the first thing that comes up. That's all for now, everybody on EA have a great day

[woofpuppy (imported)]

Made a repair to my car. I look at it as therapy. Takes my mind off my other problems for a while. I had a dream that I was giving oral to another man. I could not see his upper body. He said "you know that I can't cum right?" And I said "it's ok I just like to suck". Verry strange, don't know what my brain was trying to tell me. I hate sexual dreams because they are just like watching porn. It gets you all worked up and you have no one to share with. Guess that's why I don't watch porn. Reminds me of the guy on the Simpsons, married his left hand and called his right hand a whore, LoL.

The frustration over my high sex drive continues. When it affects my sleep pattern I know that it is time to talk to my therapist. How many cold showers can you take in one day?. My water bill this month is going to be outrageous. The worst part is due to the past abuses in my life, I can't bear to be with another person in an intamate setting. It sets off alarm bells in my brain and I can feel the panic rising up. I was a different person when the PTSD came roaring into my life. As I said in another post, that I have made progress and can now let other people touch me, just not in a sexual way.

Well I have to go, clean the appartment and make dinner for my daughters. I hope everybody on EA has a great day.

[woofpuppy (imported)]

Had a long talk with my therapist. She said that I was waiting for other people to take charge of mylife and make the decisions for me. I got upset and told her in no uncertain terms that I had done no such thing. Then when I was driving home I came to the realization that in some aspects of my life I am doing just that. What an eye opener!. I have been stalling and making excuses for not proceding with my desire to end my sex drive. I am going to get my act together, and go to my doctor with all the revelent information I need to convince him. This will be a big step for me. Even though I work with him, I have to take a leap of faith and hope all will be ok. Another thing I need to check on is if any of the T blocking medication is covered under my insurance. When I see her again I will thank my therapist for putting a boot up my butt and bringing me back to reality.

I have done well with therapy, but I thing taking the next step will benefit me even more.

Worked on my car yesturday made a more permanent repair to the window. I plan on spending today relaxing and doing nothing in particular. H

ope everybody on EA has a great day.

[woofpuppy (imported)]

Still trying to find my way in life. I took a week vacation and did absolutely nothing. Now back to work. I know that God has a plan for me, but he is not telling! I talked to my therapist, she is a great person. She knows when to push my buttons and get me thinking. I often wonder about the people who go to therapists and waste their money avoiding what they really want to talk about. Well Lynn is back, at least everything that Lynn uses has been unpacked and in it's place. I can not deny her. She is me and trying to put her away in a corner of my mind will not work. I read a story of a wonderful woman who had her operation at the age of 75. Now that takes courage! Going through the pain of recovery, to reach contentment and fulfillment. For some having a woman's body without the final surgery is enough to fulfill their lives. Others, will not feel complete untill the final surgery. I wonder where I fit? I definately want a man in my life. Someone to pamper and take care of. It would take a special man if I did not take the final step to completion. One of my dreams is to dress in the 1940's style the hairnets and dresses were wonderful. Sometimes I think I was born too late I would have been happy as a woman in the 40's. I have resolved to make the changes necessary to improve my life. I thank God for what I have, a roof over my head, food to eat. A lot of people in this country don't have that. I ask myself what I can do to help them? What can I do to help the TG's that loose everything because they were born with the wrong body. I think back to a Tg woman who could be seen on the sidewalk's of pittsburgh in her wheelchair. Sadly she passed away, but with a little help from others what could her life had been like? They say hindsight is 20/20. Too late to help her, but what about others? Can I make a difference? I am resolved to find out! I think anything I can do, will pass on to others and expand ten fold. I hope god will give me an answer soon. Till then I will be patient and do as I can for others and worry less about my problems.

[devi (imported)]

I think it sounds to me like you are actually doing very, very good. You have friends! Friends will never be perfect nor will they be the type of persons that you specifically look for. That's been my experience. For me they've just been the kind that are open minded and a little bit "strange" is all. That actually goes a long, long way given my own life's situation. Maybe your daughters just need a little talking with is all. They're probably not moochers, I guess. And as far as life's expectations is concerned maybe a little Buddhism does'nt hurt.