Andrew's jokes thread

[Andrew (imported)]

What goes "clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop

bang bang bang bang bang bang bang

clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop"?



An Amish drive-by shooting.

[Andrew (imported)]

Signs Found in Kitchens

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the

impression he just cleaned the whole house.

4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall

never cease to be amused.

8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

9. Help keep the kitchen clean--eat out.

10. Housework done properly can kill you.

11. Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and

gone on to lead normal lives.

12. My next house will have no kitchen--just vending machines.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?

Linoleum blownapart.

[Andrew (imported)]

Subject: Music soothes the savage breast

From: [email protected] (Robert L. Abramowitz)

Date: 8/5/02 7:30 PM Pacific Daylight Time

Message-id: <[email protected]>

I own a small business, and last week I had to call the I.R.S. [the U.S.

tax authorities] to clear up a clerical error on a deposit of taxes

withheld from employees' paychecks.

I dialed their toll-free number and navigated a few levels of their

automated telephone system until I was connected to the right

department. I then heard a recorded voice telling me that my wait would

be approximately 5 minutes. I decided to wait.

While waiting, I listened to the recorded music that was played by the

I.R.S. phone site. When I realized what the music was, I broke out in

hysterical laughter.

It was selections from "The Nutcracker".

[Andrew (imported)]

What's the difference between today and 1950's?

Today, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like

some condoms," then whispers, "and some cigarettes."

--:p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p :p

[Andrew (imported)]

"Three Rodents with Defective Visual Perception"!

(sung, somehow, to the tune of "Three Blind Mice")

Three rodents with defective visual perception.

Three rodents with defective visual perception.

Observe how they perambulate.

Observe how they perambulate.

They perambulated after the agriculturalist's spouse,

Who amputated their posterior appendages with a kitchen utensil.

Have you ever witnessed such a spectacle in your existence

as three rodents with defective visual perception?

(original lyrics by Chris Wesling and Rick Serna)

[Paolo]

Somehow I just can't get the tune and cadence right. Then again, puberty ended MY singing career...

[Classy Bitch (imported)]

Andrew:

Lots of people like that aztriad.com site you cited.

I listed some things from it in the Archieves and gave you the credit you deserve - "Castration Education - Historical and Scholarly" has about 3,000 hits so far, not bad for an artsy intellectual subject.

Thanks again.

- CB

P.S. (Not P.M.S.): Do I get in trouble for not telling jokes on a joke thread? As I often warn people, I cry easily and don't want to be yelled at by anyone anytime. So if I am not funny where I should be or if people think I am funny in a funny/weird way and in-the-way, then I am sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Andrew (imported)]

P.S. (Not P.M.S.): Do I get in trouble for not telling jokes on a joke thread? As I often warn people, I cry easily and don't want to be yelled at by anyone anytime. So if I am not funny where I should be or if people think I am funny in a funny/weird way and in-the-way, then I am sorry, sorry, sorry.

This is NOT just a "jokes" thread. It also lists "links", which you mentioned. And in any case, I would like to think THIS area of the Message Board should be in the spirit of Alcoholics Anonymous Rule #62..."Don't take yourself so Goddamned seriously." So relax, post, and even cry if you have to. Be weird. Be Very Weird.

[Andrew (imported)]

Did you hear about the priest in Ireland, who kept running down the English?

He would renounce his congregation of sinners by yelling, "If you don't act better your all going to hell with the ENGLISHMEN!"

One day the bishop called him in, and told him that if he didn't quite denouncing the English, he would be demoted and transffered.

The priest agreed, and in his next sermon, he told the story of the

betrayal of Jesus.

"Jesus looked at all of the apostles one at a time and said 'TONIGHT, ONE OF YOU WILL BETRAY ME!'"

"Peter said, 'Its not I is it master?'"

"Jesus just looked at Judas"

"Judas, realizing the steady gaze of THE LORD upon him said, 'Blimy govenor, you wouldn't think it was me would you?'"

[Andrew (imported)]

Q: Why does Bill Gates prefer Windows NT over his wife?

A: It goes down more than she does.