Something is becoming very clear to me, as of starting this dialog.
I am getting much the same response from the many people who have emailed me, or private messaged me. The Fiction Archive has been a gateway for membership to the forums. A lot of people have found the courage to join the EA community, only because they found solace in the Fiction Archive.
Regardless of how the Fiction Archive returns, I feel this is a point that should be stressed.
A lot of us are afraid of our natures. We've been told so often by the society we live in, that what we want is wrong and is abnormal, that we even view others that are like us as freaks. There was I time I believed that too. Desiring to have my testicles removed is wrong, and only a bad or monstrous person wants that. Because of that flawed thinking, I was afraid to post on the forums. To my terrified mind, the EA was filled with monsters and freaks. This, of course isn't true. But I was told so by society, and by my own subconscious.
I read my first story from the Fiction Archive almost by accident. It was the faux medical pamphlet "Neutersol". I'm not sure who was the originating author of that idea. But a line in the story caught my attention. It was something like, "Your child may not even know they have been castrated until they are much older." That thought obsessed me, but I couldn't tell you why at the time. The stories kept me coming back time and again, both in an effort to understand, and because they spoke to me. When I read those stories, I stopped feeling like a monster. I stopped thinking my desires for castration were wrong. In the moment of suspension of disbelief, who I was was normal. Who I was wasn't a freak.
The stories let me live vicariously in a mental space where what I wanted was safe, and accepted. Therapy couldn't do that for me. The world didn't give me this. When I read the stories, it was the only time I didn't have to hide what I was.
For me, it took learning about my physical condition to join the EA community and seek help. That took a very long time. Well over ten years. For others, it has taken much less time. For others yet, they may still be waiting for their reason. The Fiction Archive was a lifeline to me while my self hate was greatest. From what I have learned, I am not alone in that.
I've heard it again and again, "I found the stories first, before I found the archive." or "I never would have joined if I hadn't been reading the Fiction Archive."
Society has programmed us to believe that what we want is wrong. We cannot speak it or think it. Therefore, we won't participate in the forums, because we can't say those things. We can't stand to admit to our desires (even anonymously) because that exposes us as a terrible creature. The stories stand as a way for people who are afraid of starting a dialog to passively interact. They can feel accepted while active interaction remains a bridge too far.
When I joined the forums, and I hadn't posted much yet, beside my screen name were the words, "I am shy." I definitely was. After a number of posts came the words, "I am a Valid Person." I like to think these words are not by accident. Before I started posting, I was shy. It was fear mixed with self loathing. "I am a Valid Person." has become a kind of motto or mantra for me.
R
ime, in many dark hours, I felt Valid. Once I could find the bravery to participate in the forums, I finally earned that feeling. It took the Fiction Archive to help me feel Valid. It took the forums to finally accept my validity.
For myself and many others, one cannot exist without the other.
The Fiction Archive stood as a place where we could vicariously feel like a valid person, even when we couldn't yet accept that feeling into our lives. This is how reading the Archive helps people. It is how having the stories brings people to the EA community.
Just writing a story for me was cathartic, but without a place to share it, It stood as nothing more than the ravings of my hated subconscious. I couldn't write the same story again. Because writing it, and sharing it changed me. Unleashing it into the proper forum let me deal with my feelings in the right way, with the correct context. I could publish my next story elsewhere on the internet, and I may yet do that. Without the proper context for it however, I fear the messages of it, and the intention will be lost. Will it really help anyone, without the backbone of the EA Forums for it to rest against? Will it help me without the context of the Fiction Archive? Will the themes I've written, but not yet come to discover consciously, be explored if published outside the Eunuch context?
Our feelings and what we struggle with are valid. We may not know it yet, but they are. The stories stand as a way to feel valid, even when we can't accept it yet.
On a separate note about the "Minor" tagged stories. (This is purely my own feeling, after exploring what those stories mean to me.)
I do not think minor stories act as a lure for pedophiles. A true pedophile seeks the destruction of childhood innocence. The release comes from the destruction. The minor themed stories on the Fiction Archive are about the preservation of innocence, or the reclamation of innocence. They are about overcoming abuse and the horrors of childhood. They are about accepting what we are, or where we wish to be. A pedophile is a predator, and I do not see a celebration of that predatory nature in the minor tagged stories of the Fiction Archive. I do not think a pedophile would be attracted to such stories. They desire sexual power for the sake of sexual power. I cannot see how the minor stories on the Fiction Archive would appeal to them. I may be wrong about this, but I thought it was important to mention, and possibly start a dialog about.
