My Penectomy story from the hospital

[Hash (imported)]

Quite a revelation, I'm glad you tried it, it proves that you don't need a penis or testicles to orgasm, though I expect some additional testosterone might be necessary. I wonder if some nerve endings might remain and that your brain provides the catalyst for your orgasm. The brain is the largest sexual organ or so they say. I do have to ask, most males experience a penis throbbing ejaculation type orgasm, where the penis hardens and the scrotum & testicles pull up tight before ejaculation. Since you don't have either a penis or testicles, do you think your orgasm was what women experience? Or what was it like?

[YodaNell (imported)]

Since you don't have either a penis or testicles, do you think your orgasm was what women experience? Or what was it like?

Hi Hash, nice to hear from you again,

I think the orgasm is that of a woman. Obviously there are no more penis tissue (the doc DID remove every part of the penis; even the bulb), so I could not build tension like a man with a penis. I did feel pulsating sensations but it felt like the muscles that control urination as well as some of the anus muscles.

I must say that IF that orgasm was that what woman experience, women's orgasms are FAR more intense than those of men.

Also, with a vibrator against the area between the pee-hole and the anus, it does not take long to orgasm. During the orgasm (perhaps more than 30 sec.), the vibrator created amazing sensations up and down my urethra. I haven't experienced anything like this before and am worried that my goal just shifted far away as (in MY opinion) Satan made a final attempt to stop me; as I will want more of this. I think I must stop the use of testosterone to dull my desire to orgasm.

Pray for me...

P.S. Hash, may I ask you, I know you had a tough time (even regretting) when you lost your first testicle. How are you doing now? Is your orgasms better? Is your scrotum removed by Dr. Kimmel? Are you still using T? Do you want your penis removed at some point?

Hope you don't mind me asking.

P.S.S. I've been using 2CC Depo-Testosterone since my castration which kept me sexually dull, but I always had good orgasms. 3 Months ago (my penectomy) my physician injected me with 'Nebido'; a three-month-acting testosterone. It's apparently newish and 'far' better type of testosterone that depo-testosterone. I can tell you, the stuff made me so horny (driving me NUTS) that I decided NEVER to use it again after it wares off in a week or so. I'll resume using Depo-Testosterone 2CC. Works for me...

[SplitDik (imported)]

Thanks Yoda for continuing to share your experience. I think yours may be the most important experience ever shared here, because you have progressed along the path most of us have dreamed of, but there are some important lessons learned.

It is extremely interesting about the orgasms being still so readily possible, and apparently even better, without the majority of your main sex organs. While I had expected orgasm to still be possible, I figured it would be much, much more difficult and less satisfying without having all the sensory feedback of a sensitive penis throbbing away.

It does prove though something that I have realized along my path -- there really isn't any magic wand to make us "sexless".

Getting rid of testosterone is obviously going to help you, but even then there will still be residual sexuality. Orgasm will probably continue to be possible, even if it is less attractive, etc. Hopefully this works for you.

Since your reasons have been mostly religious, I hope you don't mind that I make a suggestion -- the "sin" is in the sinner, not in the temptation. This is a key point, because there are many religious people who think that women should cover up (even in burqas). But the sin isn't in the women, it is in the guys looking at the women. I worry that you've gone down this route -- thinking that getting rid of the penis will get rid of the temptation. But that is false morality -- morality is only proven in the face of temptation.

I'm saying this not to criticise your path, but hopefully help you acheive what you want -- you need to find it within you. I actually think that the idea "if they eye offends you, pluck it out" is meant to be metaphorical -- it is up to you to reject the sensory input.

I've always wanted to cut off my genitals too, to escape my over-sexed existence. However, I've come to realize that trying to please God by removing the temptation is actually cheating -- not having a penis is like doing steroids in sports.

When you stand before God on Judgement Day, you'll be standing besides all the guys who are intact, who spent their lives struggling with temptations. Do you really think God will be more pleased with someone who has tried to escape the test?

I still think you did the right thing for you. I'm just saying to achieve what you really want, you need to get in the right mindset as well. If you stay in the mindset of "escape" then you will continue to try to cut things off -- like you'll stop taking testosterone, then you might actually try numbing the remaining portion of your ano-genital area, then you might decide to get prostatectomy, and so on -- you'll keep cutting off pieces of yourself, but never really facing the issue head on.

Anyway, I'm very, very thankful to you for sharing your journey and again think that this is helpful in so many ways to so many. So please excuse my challenging tone above -- I just think that it might really be helpful to you, since your last posts indicate that you're worried again that the temptation (vibrator and intense orgasms) continues.

[YodaNell (imported)]

Thanks Yoda for continuing to share your experience. I think yours may be the most important experience ever shared here, because you have progressed along the path most of us have dreamed of, but there are some important lessons learned.

It is extremely interesting about the orgasms being still so readily possible, and apparently even better, without the majority of your main sex organs. While I had expected orgasm to still be possible, I figured it would be much, much more difficult and less satisfying without having all the sensory feedback of a sensitive penis throbbing away.

It does prove though something that I have realized along my path -- there really isn't any magic wand to make us "sexless".

Getting rid of testosterone is obviously going to help you, but even then there will still be residual sexuality. Orgasm will probably continue to be possible, even if it is less attractive, etc. Hopefully this works for you.

Since your reasons have been mostly religious, I hope you don't mind that I make a suggestion -- the "sin" is in the sinner, not in the temptation. This is a key point, because there are many religious people who think that women should cover up (even in burqas). But the sin isn't in the women, it is in the guys looking at the women. I worry that you've gone down this route -- thinking that getting rid of the penis will get rid of the temptation. But that is false morality -- morality is only proven in the face of temptation.

I'm saying this not to criticise your path, but hopefully help you acheive what you want -- you need to find it within you. I actually think that the idea "if they eye offends you, pluck it out" is meant to be metaphorical -- it is up to you to reject the sensory input.

I've always wanted to cut off my genitals too, to escape my over-sexed existence. However, I've come to realize that trying to please God by removing the temptation is actually cheating -- not having a penis is like doing steroids in sports.

When you stand before God on Judgement Day, you'll be standing besides all the guys who are intact, who spent their lives struggling with temptations. Do you really think God will be more pleased with someone who has tried to escape the test?

I still think you did the right thing for you. I'm just saying to achieve what you really want, you need to get in the right mindset as well. If you stay in the mindset of "escape" then you will continue to try to cut things off -- like you'll stop taking testosterone, then you might actually try numbing the remaining portion of your ano-genital area, then you might decide to get prostatectomy, and so on -- you'll keep cutting off pieces of yourself, but never really facing the issue head on.

Anyway, I'm very, very thankful to you for sharing your journey and again think that this is helpful in so many ways to so many. So please excuse my challenging tone above -- I just think that it might really be helpful to you, since your last posts indicate that you're worried again that the temptation (vibrator and intense orgasms) continues.

Hi Splitdick, there is something I have not mentioned before because I think it's crazy. During my primary school era (+- 8 years old) I could not stop looking at the smooth crotch area of my sister's Barbie Doll. I had a strange hankering to be like that. I even stole her doll and kept it with me to look at continuously. As a young lad I would try to pull my little penis off my body, I would hit it with toys in the bath, basically any idea that came to mind to get rid of it. It not like I want to be a girl. I just didn't want any sex organs. I wanted to be like that doll. As you can see, I sound like a nut case and dont like talking about it.

Later in life, after divorce (my wife hated sex with me), I realized that my sex organs are going to be a REAL problem for me. I believe that one should not have sex outside marriage. The Lord dealt a lot to me about sexual immorality. I agree with you said above and about temptation. I thought about this for YEARS.

In the meantime, I moved in with a gay musician (54). He is also a Christian and loyal man of God. We live together like a little family and share our lives together. We are pure and there is no physical love. Our choice.

I decided I'll live with him for ever as I'm really more happy than in years, so I decided I never get sexually involved with women (or men) again. My partner an I want to strive DEEP relationship with God, and those sexual urges and temptations are really a bother. Now I must get rid of my sex organs.

You know the rest. First the testicles went to hell. I felt better until the hot flushes and weakness. I was forced to use Depo-Testosterone which brought me back to square one. After a few years I decided my penis must go. At least I would not be physically capable of masturbation. So I went drastic on my childhood resolve to torture and destroy my penis. You know that story.

Now, after penectomy there was a little stump left. That thing still pulsated with pleasure. It also had to go, which happened two weeks ago.

Now, in truth I have NO sexual feeling in my groin. No pulsating flesh that drive me nuts. All I have to do now is to ignore temptations, like you say. I call it the 'Battle of the mind".

Like I said before, I was curious if orgasm was still possible. I actually wanted to test and see If a penectomized person are void of sexual pleasure. Using the vibrator, one can stimulate the anal-urethra muscles, which makes for a wonderful orgasm.

But without the vibrator, there are no sexual feeling down there. It is just my heart and mind that goes bonkers when I see a beautiful girl. (I'm crazy about girls aged between 18-30). But like Hash say, a sharp decline in Testosterone will also cause a decline in the 'want' for women. Like most true eunuchs know.

In short, my goal has two reasons. Childhood fantasy and religious. Maybe God put that idea (to be a nullo eunuch for him) while I was still a child.

I'm VERY happy to be a nullo. It's GREAT. I don't have that bouncing sack and itchy pipe in my pants anymore. I feel free and calm.

I'm a male barbie doll and the likeness of angels...at last.

Do you really think God will be more pleased with someone who has tried to escape the test?

Yes I do. He warns us to make EVERY afford to train our members to righteousness. Jesus also warned us to chop of the body part (because of temptation) that will lead us to hell. It's better to live without that part than to end up in hell. To resist temptation, is to resist the Devil; who IS the tempter.

Thank you for you kind words. I'm pleased to receive such wonderful understanding and support from the members in the archive.

Peace...

[SplitDik (imported)]

In short, my goal has two reasons. Childhood fantasy and religious. Maybe God put that idea (to be a nullo eunuch for him) while I was still a child.

I'm VERY happy to be a nullo. It's GREAT. I don't have that bouncing sack and itchy pipe in my pants anymore. I feel free and calm.

I'm a male barbie doll and the likeness of angels...at last.

This part I agree with -- if you have a deep seated body image desire to be sexless then I think it is the right thing to comply with that.

Yes I do. He warns us to make EVERY afford to train our members to righteousness. Jesus also warned us to chop of the body part (because of temptation) that will lead us to hell. It's better to live without that part than to end up in hell. To resist temptation, is to resist the Devil; who IS the tempter.

I think the problem is that I believe that temptation is inescapable in terms of exposure to it. For example, in your case you have done extreme measures and still have recently mentioned "I need to throw the vibrator away" and "I might still have prostate removed". In other words, you are still facing serious temptation. For example, the idea of "if thy eye offends thee, pluck it out" won't help someone because they will continue to have thoughts about it. Even if your sexual temptations reduce, the Devil is creative and then maybe instead you'll need to start fighting depression, or laziness, or irritability, etc.

I think that God wants us to TRANSCEND temptation rather than AVOID temptation. That is a key difference. He doesn't want us to live our lives running and hiding, he wants us to live in a victorious sublime state. Of course that isn't fully achievable in life, but that is the goal.

Here is an Indian poem that captures what I'm trying to say:

The mind desires this

And grieves for that.

It embraces one thing,

And spurns another.

Now it feels anger,

Now happiness.

In this way you are a sinner.

But when the mind desires nothing

And grieves for nothing,

When it is without joy or anger

And, grasping nothing,

Turns nothing away ...

Then you are free.

Embrace nothing,

Turn nothing away.

Desire and aversion are of the mind.

The mind is never yours.

You are free from its turmoil.

You are awareness itself,

Never changing.

Wherever you go,

Be happy.

The important point is that for spiritual happiness, "spurning" and "aversion" are barriers just as much as "embracing" and "desire". In other words, if you replace lusting after sex with trying to avoid sex, you still won't achieve spiritual happiness.

The solution is to become more of a witness to life. Be interested in everything as an observer rather than as the participant.

Don't know if you get my point. It's just I'm still concerned that you still seem to be locked in a struggle against temptation and wanted to point out an alternative to avoidance.

[nuderthannude (imported)]

SplitDik,

The real problem is that you both are trying to apply reason to something for which reason does not apply!

[YodaNell (imported)]

Hi SplitDick, yes in principle I agree with you.

...[God]

wants us to live in a victorious sublime state. Of course that isn't fully achievable in life, but that is the goal...

I guess this will be my future path.

...

if you replace lusting after sex with trying to avoid sex, you still won't achieve spiritual happiness...

This is irrelevant to me as sex is impossible for me now.

I guess the path of truth (regarding this issue) will be revealed by personal experience in time.

Thanks for your kind info. I do take it at heart'

Blessings

[YodaNell (imported)]

SplitDik,

The real problem is that you both are trying to apply reason to something for which reason does not apply!

This is also just a point of view. Your statement can then apply to people who desire castration and penectomy. People differ in paradigm.

[nuderthannude (imported)]

YodaNell,

Help me to understand.

Based on your paradigm, and on the fact that God made man in his likeness, and that he gave humans sex organs, when is it a sin, and when is it not a sin for us to use them?

[SplitDik (imported)]

Hey Yoda, sorry for bringing up all the religious aspect into this thread. Since you have often stated your reasons as being religious, I think it is really interesting to see how you navigate all this.

I won't comment any more on the philosophical stufff, but am interested in how you respond to some of the other questions coming up.

Also, again the reporting of your journey is really important so please keep it going.