I will try to bring myself and you guys up to speed with what has been going on. A few months ago I just suddenly snapped or something - not in at all an angry way; but I just suddenly felt totally free, and suddenly there were pretty much no rules. To some extent I have since played the game with everyone, except for the girl who actually asked me to play it. Go figure.
After only knowing my latest girlfriend for a week, I woke up and started zoning out/in about her, rolling around ideas for a poem. This has always been the best type of indication that a girl means a lot to me. The only annoying thing is that these natural thoughts haven't really transpired into motivation to actually right much down. At present I have a whole lot of lines that generally do not flow or anything, and I can't be bothered to do anything with them, though I do very much hope to get a proper poem done in the next week or two. In the past I could just do it - geez, a poem that I am comparing it to I spun out in about two hours; and that is one of my best ever works. Perhaps I am just too happy in my relationship right now to write anything productive about it. Maybe all the best writing comes from more challenging times and/or from those you can't have?
Something about that zoning in day that did matter too, was that if I could have had the pick of any girl in the world to see that day, it would be her, and I quite surprised myself, not just because of the past, but because I thought that I might have lost the capacity to feel like that again.
If my life was a porno then the recent period would be called Greg Does Asia! A few months ago I saw my first hooker, and it's been a relatively regular thing to do this ever since. Here's something that bemuses me a little about the whole hooker thing. I am going to yes, have some fun, but also to build up my confidence with sex/women, to try to make women fall for me to get into a relationship or to just get some cheaper sex, and also to massage my own ego. I realise that I am quite good in the sack. I am much larger down there then what I ever assumed, and can get most women off easily enough. I am also handsome, a nice kisser, etc, so women can REALLY like me. But I struggle to see why uglier men would go and pay for sex. Personally I wouldn't see any point in still going if I could tell that women weren't at all into me. I'd just whack off at home (or better still, get my sex drive REMOVED! I wonder if any bloody morons out there would ever think of that!!!), or maybe I'd go once as year as just a present to myself or something. Some women will not even allow kissing to some customers, but sometimes this is just for those they don't find handsome. Like I've said, I am quite an attractive guy, but the key thing really is the emotional availability of the woman. I went to a new one Friday night, and I was so great, and she was so into me, that I was 99% convinced that she would want to be my girlfriend (I was just planning to have her on the side for cheaper sex), but to my surprise she said that she was not interested in having a boyfriend because they would just want to use her for money. So this is like the stereotypical reverse!
To some extent I can see why a hooker wouldn't want a boyfriend. If guys are always paying THAT much for you to put out, then why would they just give it up for free?
My first hooker experience was really good, and I reckon that the girl was right into me, but I wasn't prepared to play the game then, and let it slip, and I've never seen her again. The second girl was smoking hot too, and also likes me, though I haven't been able to get anything for free from her (I've been with her a second time, but she still says she can't see me out of work). See, even though I am attractive and playing the game to its upmost potential, it's still incredibly hard to get it
Only 3 women have given it up to me thus far.
Women are how I used to be: they have their principles.
The 3rd hooker was a drunken city disaster (I couldn't get it up!) and the 4th was my last girlfriend. She is what I would call highly emotionally available; as opposed to some other women I have met in the past who have been undateable lol.
On a side topic, one of the last things that I read from The Girl was that we need to be living to have lots of things to write about, but when we do have lots to write we don't therefore necessarily have the time to do so. This is so true. I have probably rolled 100 epic posts around my head in recent times; oh well, they're all lost forever!
Anyway, I saw my last girlfriend the first day after we met, and I had her hook, line and sinker. I was a bastard throughout the whole thing; not in the sense of not being a generally nice person, for that I will always be, but I just lied all the time emotionally. I've probably said it on here, but relationships are very much related to 2 phrases uttered by Rihanna. "Make me feel, like I'm the only girl in the world," and "I love the way you lie." If I had kept to those 2 rules (plus also had higher self-esteem) then I would have gotten plenty of vag over my time, but like I am sure I have said elsewhere, my life would have been far more emptier if that was the case.
When a girl really is your only girl in the world, then it is just too difficult for them to respect you or themselves (your views for them, not giving them others to rate themselves against and potentially higher then).
It was always my last girlfriend who said she loved me first or whatever. I would just repeat whatever she said. She would like what I said, just because I said it. This differs to my new girlfriend who likes a lot of what I say because of what I've said. There is a marked difference. My new girlfriend is very intelligent. She is not easily offended and gets most of my silly humour. She has bad parts to her (bad can add to ones personality), but also good. She comes across as very confident, but has already made me aware that she is actually quite shy (and yes, she often blushes and looks away from me when I tell her how gorgeous she is). I instantly liked this moment which happened as we walked in the city completely INTO each other. There wasn't going to be any accidental deceit.
My last girlfriend is the most lovely person that I have ever met. She reminds me of myself when I was younger, when I used to be good, but also in hindsight unloveable. She used to come out with a lot of lovely truths too, partly I guess because she was so nice and would never consider to play any games (I think that she only ever played one, which was some attempt at emotional blackmail as we were breaking up, which almost worked). Early on she said as I was driving and being quiet (another great thing about my new girlfriend, she doesn't have to say much, we are comfortable in each others silence), "I think that I love you more than you love me." I of course denied this (unlikely to have kept getting the vag if I'd told truths like that!), but it's one of the most honest things that I've ever heard. It was actually spot on to what I said to my girlfriend last year, that she loved me more than I did her. She partly did this herself though, with her insistence on pushing me away and in her constant games; I had much stronger feelings for her than for my last girlfriend. Yet she was a bitch a lot of the time, while my more recent ex was basically an angel. Yep, go figure.
So I went into my last relationship just lying and getting a lot of 'free' sex. Though it's not like she meant nothing at all to me either. It is hard for me to explain. It was nice enough to be around her most of time, though basically this just means that it is mostly better to have a partner than to be single, so in that way she was a mere convenience. And the less that I cared about her emotionally, the more she seemed to love me.
She wasn't just a friend either, for we went on a trip to Halls Gap and had a pretty lovely time (also had sex 8 times in 3 days, I think that 3 times I didn't cum, which kept me with some energy!). She just could never stimulate me mentally and emotionally. I tried to explain this a number of times during our break up, during which I came out with some of my better conversation ever (I seem to be at my best when things are all over). I was mostly truthful. I even mentioned that I'd done it with a couple of hookers while we were dating (kind of cool of her when you think about it). She said that she understood that men need to do this and that she didn't mind. I did not say that I was now cheating on her with another girl though, though that was/is as much to protect the other girl as myself. The same goes with my recent conversations with my parents.
There seems to be a lot of my experiences with my original sweetheart being repeated with my ex. But a role reversal. She can't hate me and still wants to be friends. It's as if she is lucky if I allow her to still be my friend. She said that if I ever regret what I have done then I should contact her because she will be waiting for me forever. Thankfully she seems to be changing her view on this already. I told her that there are times in our lives when we are 100% convinced that we can never feel that strongly about anyone else, but that incredibly this can and does change. I was telling her that one day she is going to laugh at herself when she thinks about how much she loved me, when she finds a man that really loves her. I told her that it is nobodys fault if another does not love them like they deserve to be loved; that she did everything right with me as my boyfriend to make me love her. It's not her fault that I didn't. A lot of our break up involved me crying and saying, "it's not your fault," which was 100% honest. It was also quite reminiscent of Good Will Hunting.
I cried during a period of that evening like I don't ever recall crying before. It seems to have been the mostI have ever howled in grief while crying, and I was the one doing the breaking up! I thought that maybe a part of me had been lost forever, as I questioned how could I destroy someone like this, someone who I used to be like. But all those tears seemed to release a lot of bad feelings rather than release any good ones, and I have felt much better for THAT cry, during moments which I feel I will always remember.
When she had tried to give her and us more chances numerous times, it was finally hitting her that yes, her love was ditching her. She then said that she was going to quickly leave Australia (abandoning her studies), go to China, then go to Canada to start a new life where nobody knew her. She was then insisting that I sleep with that night (we were on my bed, I had to drive her back there after initially trying to break up with her at her place where she would have her family for support, but she said to go back because she had things to get.....really she just wanted more time to change my mind). She was laying in my bed, I started to tell her to "get up," slowly more sternly each time. She kept saying "no," in a baby tone. After going to cave in, as we hugged and cried together, I thought to myself that maybe she hasn't had "no" said to her enough and been able to deal with adversity. So I actually toughened up for a rare recent time and stood up for myself. I thought that maybe she has parents who can just allow her to go off to Australia and live, and then Canada if she so pleases. I thought it was too overthetop to leave a country and their life just because of me. Later as I drove I realised what a hypocrite I was!
After my final "no" my ex climbed out of bed, opened our photo book and one by one ripped them all down the middle. This was strangely when I stopped crying. Maybe it made me feel less bad? Maybe I thought that I would never throw a mini tantrum like that in front of someone? But then again I have never been hurt like that before, well probably not deliberately and not in any conventional relationship way.
Later I thought of the boy who had quit his job and gone to love overseas because a relationship didn't go his way.
But then later I also thought of that same boy, and how he had never tried any emotional blackmail on anyone; even though hindsight tells him that doing so probably would have allowed him to get his own way. And I realised that that boy was a pretty amazing person in his own fucked up way!
I have one final comment for now (after what has been a very productive and meaningful writing session). I said to my ex that it was not right for one partner to love the other a lot more than the other, and gave an example of her best friends. She shocked me by declaring that the guy in that relationship didn't love the girl as much, and that they had even understood this and carried on. I still don't think it's right. I don't believe that women should always be at their best when they're treated like shit.
I am off to see my new girlfriend. I am about to remind myself that I am a very lucky puppy.
