Am i strong enough to go on?

[kyennamo (imported)]

Hi all. forgive me. i am an emotional wreck wright now. at about age 22 i tried oral hrt. I wasnt commotted enough, didnt have financial security, or anyone supportive in my life. i bought what i would consider a years worth and stretched it out for about 2.5 years. I wish i had more money and was more committed at the time though. All i really succeded in was getting little hard lumps behind my nipples and putting on weight ( and triggering my type 2 diabetis sooner than it should have been. the upside is i stopped loosing hair and what little i did loose in the back filled back in. anyway when i met my wife at 24 i discontinued completely and set out to live the "normal" life. Iv always told my wife i hated my testicles. it was kinda a big joke. last june or july during a deep heartfelt moment i told her i was serious. and that after they were gone i would have to take estroget to prevent bone loss and other health problems( she seemed put off by that so i made a joke and said just kidding. i would need testosterone replacement and i would still be the man you married ) soon after i explained my hatred for my manhood and that i thought i was a transgender individual ( certainly not by choice ) so she began talking about her insecurities and thinking i wouldnt love or want her, or find her attractive anymore. mysolution was to reassure, and start hrt behind her back ( the month of my 30th birthday ). about a month into the hrt she was mentioning how i was being a more attentive lover and how she had never felt so close to me so that is whan i told her. it freaked her out a little but ever since she has neem the most wonderfull and supportive person the world has ever known. Fast forward till now ( 9 weeks into hrt ). I am a constant emotional wreck. I spend lots of time reading about trans issues, and looking for othrers to relate too because i just cant relate to myself. since i started the hrt, i have never felt more " ME " and the more reading i do points to this being a real medical condition......one that i have......and i cant hide from anymore. too much makes sence. too much lines up. i started this second round of hrt as a means of real self discovery. Unfortunately what i discovered is there really is no question, no doubts, i AM transgendered. Wishing i would havbe transitioned as a teen ( i was a neglected teen in very a poor house ) is not only a waste of time and wishing energy, its also making me more depressed. Im 30 now. i have a male life. a male job . male friends. and a male social personality ( albeit a coustructed fake ). the more i read, the more support i reach out for, the more i cry uncontrollably. ( im sure part of that is the hrt but it feels more natural to let it out and be emotional ). Knowing this isnt a fetish, or a passing thing, or a cross dressing fantasy should make it easier, but its just the opposite. knowing what i face in the future, the doctors, possible surgeries, problems on the job, social non acceptance, family non acceptance ( f them anyway ). all this and im not sure i could ever even be passible. OOOOOOO and thats where the REAL depression kicks in. I have considered ending everything more times than i can count. Just like flipping off the light switch, and just being done.....with everything. fortunately im a coward, and i wouldnt want my wife to be the one to find me ( i found my father with a bullet in his head and i couldnt do that to her ). but it doesnt stop the thoughts .i just want it all to go away but i know i cant. many other times in my life i have suppressed it....bottled it up....and moved on ( or so i thought ) and every time it came back stronger with more psychological damage. one thing that REALLY scares me is iv been tiniking of peacefull painless ways to go out. I own a truckload of guns but FORTUNATELY they scare me. i dont think i could repaet what my father did. but then again its quick and instant. i dont mean to sound morbid, but i am really struggling with this. the wife thinks we should buy a safe and she should lock up all the guns( probably a good idea) but this just removes a means....and doesnt address the real issue. we have been searching for a therapist and think we have found on 20 minutes from home with a good background in trans issues. its funnt. before i never thought anyone NEEDED a therapist. but iv come to realize i NEED one. im sorry if i have been rambling or if any of this is depressing but i need to get it off my chest. I am just so torn. now its time to wipe away the tears, put on my fake, funny, quirky, outgoing male persona that everyone likes, and pretend for another day. god i just wanna roll over and die. again, im sorry everyone. and thanks again for listening

sincerely k???????

[Uncle Flo (imported)]

You have done well seeking out a therapist to help you through a rough time. Keep on going. It can not be easy for you. I do not agree that you are a coward, you have taken a brave, bold step. --FLO--

[Caith721 (imported)]

I have to agree with Uncle Flo. You've made a decision, and you're taking positive, constructive action. Therapists are there to help us understand ourselves better, precisely during those times we don't have any idea what or how to feel. Please keep in mind that depressive and suicidal thoughts are at their worst, a temporary phase. It may last one or more days, but the negative feelings will pass. Never take a permanent action based on these temporary situations. There are a lot more options for the living, sometimes it's just difficult to see them. That's when the therapist helps, a LOT.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

About half way thrugh your story, I was thinking how much you could use a good therapist...Good going on getting one...You seem blessed with a wonderful wife as a partner. I assume you are sexually compatible, as it seems you are very compatible otherwise. Be kind to her...let her help you..Together , and with professional help, I can see a very happy future..The lack of T in your system from your HRT of the last several months could be aiding and abetting this depression you've come into also. Keep talking, and don't do anything stupid..You sound like a wonderful, kind, caring person...We need more like you...not less.... smooches dragonfly

[kyennamo (imported)]

the wife made an appointment so i go to see the therapist tomorrow at 7pm. it was so fast i didnt have time to think about it....she just said " you go tomorrow at 7". I go back and forth feeling rediculous to depressed about my condition. thankfully i dont think i could ever REALLY kill myself but the thoughts have been so consuming lately since i gave in and accepted that i can never live life as a normal man. hopefully the therapy will help. as silly as it sounds Id love to hear the therapist tell me "well iv come to the conclusion you aren't transgendered. you are just crazy". i think that would be easier to come to terms with lol. in the long term.....i dont know what im going to do. i dont even know what to do for the short term. from the time i get home from work till the time i go to bed if im not crying....im about to cry. at least work is an ok distraction. i just want all this to go away but unfortunately i jammed so much shit into pandoras box over the years that it finally burst at the seams and there is no box left to stuff all these feelings. god i hate myself so much. i wish i could just be "normal"

[weestub (imported)]

It's good your wife made an appointment for you to meet with a therapist. Sometimes when we sit down and get caught up in our worries it seems like the future is going to hold only problems. But there are also solutions that, with the help of your therapist and the support of your wife, you will discover were always there waiting for you even if you couldn't see them. Don't give in to despair, kyennamo! Your life will look rosier. It's happened for others, and it will happen for you.

[guy26 (imported)]

Hi kyennamo,

I'm sorry to hear that life is such a struggle. I am going through a lot of turmoil too. I keep wanting to just back away from it all and bury my head in the sand one more time, but I know I can't do that anymore. It could be disastrous if I put it off too much longer. I can relate some to your situation. In some ways I kept hoping that my therapist would just find my castration desire to be crazy and some part of my bipolar. Instead he confirmed that I have gender identity dysphoria and is supportive of me going on HRT.

Suicidal ideation is a serious thing. I wish I had something magical to tell you to make everything better. When I was a teenager I struggled with being gay to the nth degree. I nearly took my life twice. I'm not really for sure what stopped me. But I'm glad I didn't. No matter how much I have struggled in life, there have comes moments that make it all worth while.

If this is the first time encountering depression, it may be difficult to see how things could ever be different. Depression has a way of coloring the way you see yourself and the world. I'm not sure it ever gets easier, but having gone through depression many times I can at least cognitively recognize that it won't last fovever and it isn't as hopeless as it seems.

I stumbled across something this morning that Krister sent me in an email. It really touched me even though I'm not the intended audience. Maybe you will find the message of hope and inspiration comforting. The message is simply "It gets better."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTQNwMxqM3E

If you need to talk to someone to right now, you should call a suicide hotline. 1-800-273-8255 . I will send you my phone number in a private message. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am there to listen. I identify as M2E, so it isn't exactly the same. I have had a friend transition from M2F so I know some of the specific issues. I listen well and I don't judge anyone. It is an open invitation. I hope that your therapist appointment goes well.

[kyennamo (imported)]

What scares me is the lack of choice. And the inescapable conclusions I have come to. Let me give you an example. The other day I had an anxiety attack. I thought to myself "wow. What the fuck am I doing to myself? My job, my life as a man, my marriage, even my health as a man. The psychological chages brought about by the hrt, not to mention the physical ones, are quickly nearing the point of no return. Whay am I doing? The attack lasted all of 6 seconds. I quickly realized this IS NOT a choice. It IS the only way things can be. Even if there was some choice in the matter, "Male" is NOT a valid choice I could live with. Some would find comfort in this certainty. I find the exact opposite. Knowing, just confirms all my fears in life. What I have always felt and bottled up, was the truth. This doesn't comfort me. It scares the shit out of me. And I don't want you all worrying about me hurting myslef. I certainly have the means to do the job quickly. I even think I have picked out the right tool for the job. But this isn't a suicde atempt, because I WOULD succede. And it isn't a cry for help. I only mention the suicidal thoughts because since I came to these conclusions they have consumed me more and more so I feel they need to be discussed. And I have battled depression all my life to some degree. Oblivion just seems better than the uphill battle I face. And what If I do face my uphill battle and wind up some joke that people point and stare at. Would it all be worth it then? I just don't know. What I do know is I just ate 4 xanax so im getting very very sleepy. I will check in with you guys tomorrow. Goodnight

[Lasander (imported)]

Sorry you are feeling so depressed and conflicted. I've had bouts of depression with strong suicidal thoughts as well. Therapy and drugs really helped. Though, it would of been really nice to have a supportive wife during that time. Once you work things out and get your depression under control things will be fine. Hopefully you are telling your therapist about your suicidal thoughts(even if you dont plan on acting on them) its important for them to know what exactly is going on so they can help you.

[kyennamo (imported)]

my therapist appointment last wednesday went exceptionally well (or so i thought). she obviously wasnt able to make a diagnosis from just meeting me but she has seen over a hundred trans individuals through transition and said she was pretty confident i seemed to fit the criteria for a mtf transsexual. (and i KNOW she was correct) that was the problem. the following day it all hit me in the face like a ton of bricks and i got mega suicidal. i had thought about it hundreds of times but it never went farther than thoughts. i was actually looking up exactly how much xanaxa and alcohol it would take to do the job (just making sure i had enough). the wife snuck up behind me and freaked out. thank got because i was minutes away from doing it. i know better though. I had a wonderfull evening friday. a pretty damn good day saturday and today is shaping up to be good too. none of that goodness would have happened had i done something stupid thursday night. i am slowly learning to accept myself and after much soul searching i think i have finally picked my "real" name. for the first time in almost exactly 10 years (last time was when i was 20 i believe) i shaved off all my facial hair today (a semi large commitment for me as it takes over a month and a half for me to grow a quarter inch of facial hair). my wife, who i have been with a little over 5 years, had never even seen me without my pathetic blonde moustache and chin scruff. it did make me feel very good about myself to get rid of it though. im taking the therapists advice and not trying to figure out life 2 years, or even 2 months down the line. and that REALLY seems to be helping how i feel about myself. thanks to all those who read this. its amazing how theraputic having people to talk to is. O and a special thanks to Stacy Beaumont. she introduced me to a place on the web, and someone in particular, that has helped me a lot over the last few days.