Its JOKE time!!

A-1 (imported)
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Re: Its JOKE time!!

Post by A-1 (imported) »

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

๐Ÿ˜ˆ A-1 ๐Ÿ˜ˆ
A-1 (imported)
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Re: Its JOKE time!!

Post by A-1 (imported) »

A man comes home feeling pretty frisky after partying with his buddies half the night.

He walk's into the bedroom where his wife is still waiting up for him. He take's off all of his clothes and says "baby you are looking at 200 pounds of dynamite."

His wife opens the window and yells "everybody run for your lives, there's 200 pounds of dynamite in my bedroom and it only has a three inch fuse."

:D A-1 :D
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Re: Its JOKE time!!

Post by A-1 (imported) »

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You

gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

๐Ÿ™‡ A-1 ๐Ÿ™‡

๐Ÿ‘๏ธโ€๐Ÿ—จ๏ธ ๐Ÿคฎ
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Re: Its JOKE time!!

Post by A-1 (imported) »

Same teenaged girl came walking up to the house when she noticed her grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" she exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" she asked again.

The old man slowly looked at her and said, "Well sweety, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

;) A-1 ;)
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Re: Its JOKE time!!

Post by A-1 (imported) »

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."

๐Ÿ˜ก A-1 ๐Ÿ˜ก ๐Ÿ™„
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Re: Its JOKE time!!

Post by A-1 (imported) »

Adam and Eve

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman meant to him and how blessed he was to have her.

Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.

Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So she would love you.

:p A-1 :p
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Re: Its JOKE time!!

Post by A-1 (imported) »

Two hunters from Michigan -- (true story)

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice-hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING.

Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot,

hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.

Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to

the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!

=========================================

And you thought your day wasn't going well?

Well, things could be worse...yeah, they could...

๐Ÿšฌ A-1 ๐Ÿšฌ
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Re: Its JOKE time!!

Post by BossTamsin (imported) »

Just for the record, here are my responses to LonePanther's riddles:

1) The letter "L"

2) Nothing.

3) Catcher at home base.

4) 8th rung up.
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Re: Its JOKE time!!

Post by Got2 (imported) »

Yo!

First, Ieunuch- You Da man. Your answers are right on target, plus they match mine.

Second, A-1 You, Sir, have way way too much time on your hands. Grab a drink, head out to the beach, make love to your wife and enjoy the summer. Life is too short man, and I think the world is going to end real real soon. Dow down below 8500! Head for the hills!!!!

And one last point, I think you scared our lovely Antonia away with all of your match making hints. That or she is so sore and wiped out from that 3 day Berlin love fest. Why didn't you invite me to Berlin for the party, babe? I would have taken Lufttansa for that for sure!!

Got2!!
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Re: Its JOKE time!!

Post by A-1 (imported) »

A-1 only flies Quantis.

Quantis never crashes... :D

Unless, of course, I fly my own...but that's another story. Damned thing sits in the hanger most of the time now. ;)

Wore poor Vi out once this week already. ๐Ÿซ

Don't dump your stocks now. Rebounds are the highest when the compression is tight. ๐Ÿšฌ

Greenspan must be happy now... :realpisse

Time is all that I have left. This (here) is what I do when I tire of bouncing sub-atomic particles around in infinite energy wells. ๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡ณ

I saw a nice denium mini-skirt split up the sides and tied together with rawhide and a tight lacey top to match. Almost bought it for daughter #3, but her boyfriend rags at her when she wears clothes that are too sexy. Vi won't wear any such stuff. Guess the thrill is gone... ;)

Should I go buy it and ship it to Antonia with a nice lacey pair of thong panties? :p ๐Ÿ™‡

๐Ÿšฌ A-1 ๐Ÿšฌ
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