Major life changes

[Caith721 (imported)]

Hell, I think the guys into heavy CBT even wonder when told of this. Skewer 'em, pop 'em out for a look, band them for an hour? Sure, no problem with any of that. Load 'em up with 190 proof alcohol? OH HELL NO!!

[nullorchis (imported)]

151 proof is max I go, and then "a little dab will do ya".

[JessicaH (imported)]

It's kind of funny but the people that I have told about the "nut shots", (including my doctor, therapist, best friend of 25 years, my BFF M2F friend Melissa and her wife) all took it as a sign of , "damn, you ARE serious about this"!

I think my doc and therapist would write me letters at this point to have them removed. For some reason, I bet that doctor remembers me more than MOST of his patients! lmao

[JessicaH (imported)]

Well, it's been about 6 1/2 months on E, spiro along with the alcohol injections. Things haven't changed dramatically but they are changing. Sometimes I am shocked when I catch a glimps in the mirror as I don't instantly recognize myelf at times.

I have been on the road alot this year (14 weeks) and I haven;t even been to my house in Dallas for about 6 weeks. I have seen my wife here and there and she still hasn't said anything except for one incident when I was laying in bed on my elbow and she poked me n the tit a laughed while asking "what's that?" as she got up and left the room.

Therapy sessions have gone well and most of my last session was devoted to me telling my wife and what I expect the outcome to be. I have accepted who and what I am so me and my therapist are comfortable meeting every month or so for now unless things change. I may need her more after I tell my wife and get closer to living full time as the real me.

I have felt sad lately as I ponder a new life that doesn't include an intimate conection with my wife. While our relationship is far from perfect, I do love her and she has been my friend for 21 years. I have now been with her for over half of my life and the thought of her being with someone else makes my heart sink and my stomach clench.

Sometimes I ask myself if I can really go through with it all. Not because I question being TS but because of what I stand to loose. I know that the GID has only grown stronger over time so if I don't muster the strength to continue forward now, the GID will just increase in the future to push me further. I know I have a better chance of doing this successfully now rather than fighting it for 10 more years to do it.

I'm not sure I could stop if I wanted. I won't stop the E or anti T which means I AM transitioning if I admit it or not. I have talked with several transitioners whe were on HRT who said they didnt know if they would transition or not. I asked them if they were going to stop HRT and they looked panicked and said "hell no" then I said "well, then you ARE transitioning!"

So anyways, I'm going home tonight. It will be a 5 hour drive and I wont get there til 11:30 pm. I haven't seen my wife in almost a month and it will feel good to be home. I'm just wondering how much longer I can go before I have some "splainin to do".

[Caith721 (imported)]

Stacy, you're right about GID getting worse. I pushed mine aside for approximately seven years, and it came back with a severe vengeance. It demanded to be recognized and accepted. This was last October/November 2010, when I decided to reconnect with my gender therapist and actively pursue orchiectomy.

I'm a little over 24 hours in recovery from the surgery, and the only thing bothering me is lower back pain from laying flat on my back for many hours, and edema resulting from injecting the local anesthesia. I really, really wished I could have been having GRS/SRS with BA, but that's another step, probably somewhere far down the line.

Good luck when you get home!

[butterflyjack (imported)]

I can feel the quandary you're in Stacy...I've been chickenshitting for my whole life.I'm 65 now, so I guess I'll just go along looking a little more feminine as I go...One of these days I'll get some psychiatric assistance..I really don't know what I am.. I sense bravery on your part...and sadness with the decision you may have to make...smooches dragonfly...(what do you think of lucky Caith, eh?)

[JessicaH (imported)]

Rejection of close friend and first tears in almost 23 years.

My lifelong friend found out that I have been on HRT for 6 months and planned to go forward with transition. She became aware after her husband confronted me (as a good friend wanting to know what is going on with me) and asked me if I was taking female hormones.

I couldn't lie to my friend and told him yes which led to lots of other questions. I think he has honestly put some thought into my situation and really tried to understand as much as someone that has never given TG/TS a second thought. He is very worried for me and the consequences of my moving forward but I know that concern is still shadowed by concern for my wife and daughters.

It hurt most when her husband said, "She sees it as a betrayal to your wife, family and friends." He and I have talked, emailed and TXT each other alot and it has really been a shot across the bow for the reality coming up. I have become more depressed over the last few days and I finally broke down and cried on the drive to work this morning while listening to music. I haven't cried in almost 23 years but I guess it was inevitable after 6 months of high dose HRT....

I felt really dark last night and this morning and I asked a friend to keep my firearms in his safe for a while. I don't think I would ever do myself in but this is only the first real negative hit and I know it is going to get WAY worse before things get better.

Sometimes my thoughts scare me and if other knew, it would scare the hell out of them. I think more than anything, I need to make sure I don't endanger myself through a general disregard for personal safety or recklessness. I truely understand why the suicide rate is very high for TG/TS. I feel like there is no way out of this whithout either causing everyone in my life pain. If I transition it puts me through hell, my wife through hell and leves everyone else scratching their head asking "WTF"?

The people it affects usually don't even consider for two seconds, how hard it is on US. What we have to go through emotionally and physically. They worry about us "embarassing them" yet the thought of going through an "awkward phase" or never being able to pass 100% scares the living hell out of me. Yet, I can't stop the course..

Sorry if that was just whiney rambling. I felt I needed to write it down somewhere. I know many here have gone through far worse and I am sorry you had to go through it. I wish there was an option of a real cure but that's just not reality. Just trapepd with no good choices... Oh well. I will try to post something a bit more "cheery" tomorrow. That is if I don't melt down this weekend when I go home to see wife and kids (i work out of town M-F, 300 miles away).

[butterflyjack (imported)]

I guess there are some things that are going to hurt, no matter what...

Sounds like your friend is sincerely trying to understand...Be kind..

He probably fears he is going to lose you as a friend...and that you have perhaps betrayed him..which, of course, you haven't...Do what you have to do....with kindness and tact...smooches dragonfly

[Mac (imported)]

Rejection of close friend and first tears in almost 23 years.

My lifelong friend found out that I have been on HRT for 6 months and planned to go forward with transition. She became aware after her husband confronted me (as a good friend wanting to know what is going on with me) and asked me if I was taking female hormones. ...............

It is very unfortunate that some people just don't understand. They are often the ones we care the most about.

[Caith721 (imported)]

The people it affects usually don't even consider for two seconds, how hard it is on US. What we have to go through emotionally and physically. They worry about us "embarassing them" yet the thought of going through an "awkward phase" or never being able to pass 100% scares the living hell out of me. Yet, I can't stop the course.

It's not whiny rambling, it's your reality of the situation. You hit the nail on the head with the first statement quoted above. People's first reactions regarding our situation are almost always about themselves and others, and never regarding us or what we need in our lives to be happy. It's as if we are expected to remain stuck in some immutable molded image they have firmly established in their minds.

I personally call BS on that attitude. If you're truly my friend, you care about ME, the person and the individual. You're certainly allowed to express concern for others around me, but primarily, the issue is ME, not everyone around me. We are expected to give, give, give, all our lives, rarely having time for ourselves. It's impossible to live that way and it hurts us, trying to live up to that expectation.

You've met me in person, and you know that "being able to pass 100%" is NOT any kind of realistic possibility for me. It's a totally unrealistic expectation, I gave up on it a long, long time ago, but I did NOT give up on myself. Transition isn't about living up to someone else's expectations, it's about simply being ourselves. Physically speaking, you have a much better shot at it, my friend.

As always, I wish you peace and love. Don't let the darkness overtake your life, and never sacrifice yourself simply to satisfy others, whether en homme or en femme.