Taking the Plunge.....Again

[plix (imported)]

Hi, all! It's been a while, but I can't type as much as I used to these days. The insane amount of typing I do finally caught up with me this last summer. It hit me suddenly one day after an especially intense typing bout - pain and tingling in my hands and arms. It went away but came back a few days later after more typing, and that time, it stuck around. I went to the doctor and was prescribed wrist braces that I'm using now as I type this. I was wise enough to realize I would need to drastically cut back on typing to prevent the issue from becoming worse/chronic. Fortunately, the pain and tingling is no longer present except for when I've been typing too much (especially if I don't wear the braces, which I don't as much as I should). But months later, it's still there when I have been overdoing the typing, and I'm accepting it may never disappear completely.

So, if I'm ever going to be a writer now (which yes, I still dream about!), it will probably have to be with the aid of some kind of voice recognition software. Which will be weird, because I'll be talking rather than writing, and I'm not sure how well that will work.

In any case, I have a lot to report since my last post! I have undergone some major life changes. Probably the biggest is that a couple months ago, I said goodbye to Ohio after 9 1/2 years and moved to Chicago. I love it! Chicago is an amazing city, and a move is what I had needed for a long time. Rail transit is much more efficient than the buses of Ohio (see next paragraph regarding the other major change). Also, I have come to see how much more Chicago is a big city than what I thought of as the "big city" in Ohio. The former is a true urban environment, while the latter is almost entirely sprawl outside of a narrow downtown corridor that those without much city experience might consider urban.

The other big change is that I no longer own a car. Yep, I'm car-free, as some of us like to say! I gave up my car on the last day of March after a long and grueling debate. While life without a car has had its challenges (probably yucky Midwest weather being the biggest of them), it's also brought some pretty cool financial and health benefits. And it's certainly been much easier in Chicago.

A move was possible in large part because of how versatile my job is. Folks who do what I do are needed all over the country. I was hired less than a month after moving, though it still wasn't as soon as I would have liked, and moving drained much of what I had saved from not having a car.

My financial future is looking brighter though. Leaving employment in Ohio means I can finally touch that retirement account I built up over the last 7 years (and the balance isn't too shabby for someone my age). While I debated long and hard about whether to cash it in or roll it over, I ultimately opted for the former because I need financial stability in my life now before I start worrying about retirement. Financial stability is something I've needed for a long time. I had it briefly last year before squandering it on a car with a transmission that failed not long after I bought it. I will be putting a little less than half into a savings account and then reinvesting the rest for retirement.

While the move has been good for me, I have come to realize (and knew even before I moved) that some things would come with me. The Asperger's/autism and the corresponding loneliness certainly has. I love my new living environment, but it's not all I need for happiness. And honestly, it's been a rough year for me since losing the project last December that I started a couple years ago. There hasn't been much going on in my life outside of work since then, and it's showing. My loneliness and feelings of there not being anyone in the world who can understand me have been a big problem for me this year. The way people are and the way the world is these days have also been bothering me a lot recently. Dwelling on any of those for too long can bring suicidial thoughts pretty quickly for me, so I have to be careful. What I'm working on now is not letting the selfishness of people and the modern world get to me and learning to enjoy life for the gift that it is regardless.

About the same time as I lost the project last December, I learned that my brother passed away unexpectedly. Last I heard, it's still not certain whether he was murdered or it was a hit-and-run. Even after a year and even though I hadn't seen or heard from him in many years before that, I still miss him.

So it's been a challenging year, and I am going to be glad to ring in the new one soon.

Gender/hormone-wise, in recent months I've shifted from E to T and back again after almost a year on E (and the longest period of time). Now it's been a couple months back on E. The shifts don't bother or surprise me as much as they used to - I have accepted it's possible they will be with me for the rest of my life. After all, they've already been around for the last 13 1/2 years! I'll get tired of one hormone and want to go back to the other. And vice-versa.

The good news is that after all these years, I think I may have finally cracked the case. These days the term "bigender" makes the most sense to me when it comes to my own identity. I now recognize there is both a masculine and feminine component

to my gender identity, even if th

ose components aren't strictly "male" and/or "female." Both sides have a need to be expressed, especially when the other has been dominant for too long. Hence the shifts in hormone preference.

But that isn't all I've figured out. I figured out what it is I want - now if there was only really a way to make it happen. Basically, every single time I have returned to T, it was out of a desire to look more masculine. Every single time I'm on E, I mourn the physical male self I lost. I of course can't know exactly what I would look like now had I never been castrated, but I can have an idea based on a combination of how my dad looked and my imagination. And every time I see that picture and many times when I see other men my age, I mourn. I mourn because I don't look like I would have. And I want to. So much!

I also know that I love what E does for me mentally and emotionally. I hate the sex drive and functioning of T. But E - the moods (and I'm getting used to the swings, even if the deep "lows" E can also bring are much less pleasant), the amazing highs and feelings of just utter happiness that E often brings - amazing! The ability to smell for the first time in my life - fantastic! (Even if people don't always smell as pleasant as you'd hope.) Noticing the beauty in so many things such as clothes, colors, jewelry, and more - wonderful! Seeing men in a whole new light - certainly not unpleasant. (Sexuality wise, these days I sometimes find men attractive, rarely women, and often am asexual). Those tears that flood my eyes when I'm happy (and sad) - I love them!

I think though that my favorite thing is when I see a woman and think to myself "Wow, she's absolutely beautiful," yet there being nothing sexual involved in that appreciation of beauty at all. A very different kind of feeling I had never known before. It's really hard to explain if you haven't experienced it.

And so, to sum it up, I think I can safely say that I have finally figured out this is what I want - to look like a man yet feel like I do on E.

If there was something I could take

for that, I'd be in absolute heaven, and I think the shifts would be no more.

Given the medical issues, I suspect that future updates will be infrequent, if they happen at all. So I'll leave with this:

If you asked me whether I regret my castration after all these years (13 1/2 tomorrow, to be exact), what would I say?

I'd say yes, of course I do. If I said anything else, I'd be lying to both you and myself. Yes, there is a not-so-small part of me that regrets it deeply. A part that regrets not being the man I could have been. Even if it had to happen eventually, maybe age 20 was too young. If only I had waited, masculinized more. Maybe the physical dysphoria wouldn't be so bad today. And who knows? Maybe I'd have a child of my own (something I still want but will probably never have).

But that's just one part of me. The other part (who would also be being honest) would say no, of course not. If I hadn't been castrated, I might have never experienced life on the other side. E and its mental and emotional effects are a wonderful thing, and getting to say you've experienced life in two genders is pretty special! Plus, if I hadn't been castrated, I wouldn't have a lot I do today. I wouldn't have gotten to know any of the many amazing people who run this site. It's extremely unlikely I would have moved to Ohio and made the wonderful friends I did there.

And maybe most importantly of all, I would never have met her. That was one of the happiest times of my life, and just for that alone, it was all worth it. Even though I'll never see or have contact with her again, I'll always have the memories, and I'll be able to find comfort and joy in those for life.

So the answer is both. Yes, I do regret my castration, and no, I don't.

You see, as I've gotten older, I've come to realize that there are no right or wrong decisions in life, no right or wrong paths for our lives to take. There are only decisions we make and paths we take. None is more "right" or "wrong" than any other. Each just has different lessons to teach us. Each just provides us with different opportunities for growth.

And as for regrets? Well, recently I heard something in a podcast that I thought was interesting and probably sums up my thoughts on the matter pretty well. The podcaster said that her goal in life had been to die without regrets. Then she said she was told that isn't possible, that everyone dies with regrets. She said that what she meant was she wanted to die without regret defining her life. And that I think is the key.

So, what about me, at just a few weeks shy of turning 34? If I died tomorrow, how would I judge my life? Well yes, I might regret my unpleasant childhood. Might regret being castrated. Might regret not sticking with that first major in college that might have actually led to a career. Might regret my poor financial decisions. But when you think about it, I've actually led a pretty amazing life! I have travelled overseas and spent 7 weeks traveling parts of my own country. I walked across an entire state. I work a job I love. I moved to different states on a whim not just once but twice (so far!) All of those are things many people never get to do. And then of course I got to experience the deep bond with another human that is love. So no, regret won't be defining my life, no matter when I die.

As I said above, life is most certainly a gift. We could have been born as anything, but here we are, as humans. As life forms who not only survive but have the amazing ability to consciously comprehend and contemplate the wonderful universe around us. Such a special thing! Don't waste that gift and make the most of it!

[Cseriess (imported)]

Welcome to Chicago! I am sure you will find like minded friends here

[Peter47-NL (imported)]

Thank you for sharing all your considerations. Your honesty and openness are very special. It feels very warm.

[plix (imported)]

Hi, all! Hope everyone is doing well.

It's been a little while, so I thought it was time for another update. I think this time I will start with gender and hormone stuff.

Some time ago, I stopped taking both E and T. I am now taking 10 mg of DHEA a day, and I seem to be doing pretty well with that. I have taken as much as 50 mg in the past, but with those higher doses, I seem to experience a great deal of irritability. I still have bad moods from time to time, but they are not as frequent as they were on the higher doses. Past experiences have taught me that when I take nothing, I deal with some pretty bad depression. So, I do seem to need something in my system.

While I still think that "bigender" is probably the most accurate term to describe my identity if a term is needed, I have recently come to accept that I am plain and simply me and that no label is necessarily needed to describe who I am.

Okay, let's move on to some other stuff. First of all, I lasted in Chicago for about seven months. I then tried out Salt Lake City, where I stayed for about eight months. I think one of the issues was that I did not want to accept that I really don't like winter. I guess that's not a big surprise, since I am a Southern California native. After finally coming to accept that I do not want to live in a place that gets much of a winter, I recently settled in Tucson, Arizona. There is a lot to love here, and while I haven't yet made it through the hot season, I think it is a place I can see living long-term.

I often miss the lush green of back east, but the deserts and mountains of the West have their own special beauty. There are a lot of outdoor opportunities here, and it is an affordable city for a low-income person such as myself.

I continue to experience significant problems with my hands and arms when I type or tap screens for even small amounts of time. I have mentioned this to a couple of doctors, but alas - that low-income thing! Not low enough for free health insurance, but not high enough to afford my own insurance. So, I'm unable to visit the specialists they have referred me to.

I cope by severely limiting the amount of time I type or tap on my computer and phone. I am also helped out by Dragon voice recognition software, and just the other day, I discovered Voice Access, an app that allows me to entirely control my phone by voice. I'm so happy about that!

Last year, I bought another car before giving it up again this year. I continue to not want to own a car because of the financial benefits, but I also recognize that in today's world not owning a car makes things very difficult. For the time being, I have access to a car (see below), so that's good enough for now.

Probably the biggest news is that I have a girlfriend. We live together. We began dating in April 2019. She is a sweet, very kindhearted person who I am happy to get to share life with. We are different in many ways, but we also have a lot in common, especially with regard to our pasts. I am very interested to see where things will go from here.

She knows about my castration and identity, and while I think she wishes things were different, she accepts me for who I am.

I have come to accept that I am most likely bisexual. There are times I find both men and women attractive, but I think that my sex drive is very low overall.

Financially, my life has improved a great deal. I am much more stable than I have been at any point in at least the last six years. I no longer am at a financial deficit (I make at least as much money as I spend). I have a solid savings account, which I continue to add to regularly. My credit still has a number of dings on it from poor financial decisions I made in the past, but I am working on fixing things the best that I can and have made a lot of progress. I won't buy another car until my credit has improved enough to make any interest I would be charged reasonable, but for now, my girlfriend allows me to use her car.

Careerwise, I am no longer, at the moment, doing the job that I did for over eight years. I loved it a lot for a long time, but near the end, things became more difficult. I think I was probably suffering from burnout. I haven't ruled out returning to that job, but I honestly don't know if I would be successful with it. I guess maybe I was just doing it for too long, and perhaps it's time to move on to something new.

For now, I do a variety of freelance work. Admittedly, the kind of work that I do is not the most prestigious or purposeful. But I do like the freedom and flexibility of freelancing. The things I don't like are having to withhold my own taxes and paying both halves of the payroll tax. Other than that, it's been great and gives me plenty of time to pursue other things outside of work.

It's possible I could return to the traditional work world eventually, but I think it won't be for a while, especially with the current economic climate.

Spiritually, I think I have finally settled into a comfortable place. While scientific materialism (which I no longer equate with atheism) doesn't make any sense to me, neither does traditional religion. Buddhism probably comes the closest of the traditional religions for me, but I have accepted that it is just another religion and that no one person has all the answers. I found a lot of peace after stumbling upon the more modern theory of biocentrism, but I also realize that it's unlikely this theory has all the answers. I think it pretty unlikely that this thing we find ourselves in is a random accident with no purpose, but I also accept there is a possibility that it is. While I strongly suspect that life always finds a way to come back from the void (even though it probably isn't "you" who comes back), I also accept that no one can really know what happens when we die and that there is an element of mystery that must be embraced. So, you might describe me as having a hunch that there is more to the universe than what we know but also realizing that perhaps we cannot know all the answers and that we have to embrace the mystery.

I think that's about it. I know I'm not too active here anymore, but I do think about the folks here often and send well wishes to the site and those who are part of it. Thanks so much for reading, and I wish everyone the best!

[plix (imported)]

Well folks, it’s update time again.

These days, I am taking T. While there is much that I miss about taking E, I do have to admit that my emotions are definitely more “settled” when taking T, and perhaps settled means that they are better. I don’t really get the euphoric moods that E often brought much anymore, but I also don’t get the irritability and depression. In fact, I haven’t been in what I would call a prolonged bad mood since I started taking T about two months ago. I seem to mostly be in a state of calm, and I’ve noticed that when on T I also seem to be more likely to be in what I call a “spiritual mood” (more aware of the interconnectedness of all things and otherwise more spiritually focused).

DHEA alone leaves me with difficulty sleeping and other physical problems, so that wasn’t a good option either.

This time around, T so far hasn’t resulted in the return of any real degree of sex drive or sexual functioning for me. If those never returned, I’d be okay with it. But if they did, I could learn to deal with that as well. I still do occasionally

find both men and women attractive,

and I suspect that may not change this time.

My taking T in no way negates my bigender identity. I know that my “other side” will always be there, no matter what I take or don’t take.

I am still living in Tucson. I’ve been here for a little over a year now, and I don’t have any plans to leave (at least permanently) anytime soon. While it isn’t my beloved lush green forests of the East, the nature here definitely grows on you after a while. It is still quite beautiful (especially the skies on a partly cloudy day - I haven’t seen anything else like it anywhere else that I’ve lived), and I have learned that even the desert has plenty of flowers. One of my favorite things about living here is that we have a national park right on the edge of town (both sides, to be exact), and I definitely enjoy spending a lot of time there.

My girlfriend and I ended our relationship late last year. Those differences that I mentioned became more apparent as time passed, and while it was primarily my decision, I think that we both knew it was what needed to happen. She moved to Texas, and we still keep in touch via phone weekly.

My biggest news is that after 15 years of knowing, I finally received my formal autism spectrum disorder diagnosis a little over two months ago. I was evaluated by a neuropsychologist, and she informed me that my scores on the “gold standard” tests were far over the cutoff required for a diagnosis. This is the only part that was surprising to me as I always thought that my ASD was mild. I expected it to be much more of a borderline thing. I received an eight-page written report that includes my diagnosis and the reasons for it.

Among other benefits of receiving that diagnosis, I am scheduled in just a few days for an “intake” appointment with vocational rehabilitation services. The goal is to see if they can assist me in finally working a “real job”

for the first time in my life.

But there is no guarantee I’ll even be eligible, so we will just have to see what happens.

In the meantime, I am back to my long-worked previous job that I thought I may have burned out on, and I’m finding that it isn’t so bad anymore with being back on T. I am also working in a warehouse of a well-known company, and I was able to use my diagnosis to obtain much-needed accommodations. Going through the accommodations process was trying but worth it. However, I still know that this job is fundamentally not a good fit for me.

I still deal quite frequently with my hands/arms pain issue when typing for more than very brief periods of time. My doctors and I call it carpal tunnel for the purposes of having a legal diagnosis, but whether it actually is CT remains a mystery. Surprisingly though, I find that it is not quite as severe when I’m on T.

Sadly though, I don’t seem to fit in with the autism community anymore than I do with anyone else. Last year, I briefly tried joining a well-known online autism community, but I don’t think it went too well. Aside from the fact that my IQ (as confirmed by the test administered as part of my evaluation) is likely much lower than most of theirs, I think another reason I didn’t fit in is because my ASD seems to be “right-brained” rather than the much more common “left-brained” variety.

I once had a friend tell me that I would someday find “my tribe.” But after many failed attempts, I lately have found myself wondering if I actually have a tribe. Perhaps I’m one of those people who just doesn’t have one and who is a person all my own instead.

I am still pondering those big spiritual questions. Those sorts of questions have been important to me since I was young, but in recent years, I do have to admit that especially the issue of whether the materialist worldview is/can be correct has become an obsession of sorts for me (an autistic “special interest”, perhaps? ).

When I say the materialist worldview, I’m not speaking solely of the fundamental idea defining that worldview (that matter is all there is), but also its associated and even resulting ideas (the universe is a random accident, life is a random accident, and - the most problematic one of all to me - somehow, despite an innumerable number of lives existing, life can only happen once).

I am currently reading “The Grand Biocentric Design,” a book that I’m finding quite enjoyable, thought-provoking, and inspiring. I had listened to audiobook versions of the previous two books in the series, and I was glad when our local library finally reopened so that I could get my hands on a physical copy of this one. It contains a worldview I can certainly get behind.

Aside from my period in late high school/early college where I identified as an atheist, the materialist worldview has just never sat well with me. I suppose the reason for that, and the reason that I distressingly continue to wrestle with whether it is correct, is that my deepest self wants to definitively say, “no, materialism is not true” and to instead firmly commit to believing in something else. But, that logical part of me that says that believing in something else is just wishful thinking or some misguided belief that I can avoid mortality (standard arguments that materialists put forth to defend their worldview) sure does not want to die easily. But to those folks, I would say that I’ve never thought that immortality would be a good thing - so explain that!

I suppose that just as I’ve said before, ultimate answers will have to wait until I die. But as time goes on, I find myself with an ever decreasing fear of death. I honestly think that whatever happens or doesn’t happen, it can’t be all that bad.

[plix (imported)]

In my late teen years (which, from what I’ve heard, is supposed to be around the time that one’s IQ reaches its maximum potential), my IQ was tested at 119. This was further confirmed by corresponding exactly with my SAT score (under the “old” scoring model). My recent IQ test, however, has my IQ plummeting to 108. While I never believed that even the old IQ was anything spectacular, this new test reveals that I am in the “average range.”

Now, before we continue, I should point out that there are a couple of assumptions that we must make regarding IQ. First of all, we must assume that “intelligence” is a single, objective, and clearly definable thing. Secondly, we must assume that IQ tests accurately measure this intelligence. According to some, these assumptions leave a lot to be desired. However, for the purposes of this post, we will assume that they are correct. And it certainly is easy for those of us who don’t score superbly on IQ tests to claim that the “game” is rigged simply because we didn’t “win.”

Given these results, the question one might ask is what exactly caused this decline. Here are the possibilities that I see:

1. The decline is not excessive and is simply a normal result of aging. From what I was able to determine, age-related declines in IQ may be normal, although there is considerable debate over exactly when the decline begins and by how much. It also seems that factors such as education level and starting IQ may play a role.

2. Long-term use of antipsychotic medication (if the decline is not solely age-related, this would be my most likely guess). Although my dosage was very low (but had been higher in the past), there is apparently evidence that long-term use of these medications can contribute to brain changes, which may equate to brain “damage.” The good news is that after taking this stuff for about 13 ½ years, I am finally making a serious effort to taper off of it.

3. Aside from reading a few books here and there and doing cursory Internet research on whatever topic might strike my fancy, it’s been a number of years since I’ve done anything that might be considered academic or intellectual in nature. Could the abilities measured by IQ tests atrophy if they aren’t used on a regular basis?

4. The effects of low hormones, either acute or chronic. At the time of the test, I wasn't taking any hormones, and I have spent much of my adult life with subpar levels. Perhaps hormones contribute to cognitive functioning, and many have spoken of a "brain fog" that occurs when their hormone levels are low.

Of the four components on the test making up my overall IQ, the one that most significantly lowered the overall score was “processing speed,” registering in the “low average” range. I’ve never made any secret of the fact that I prefer to work at a slow, relaxed pace and have never thought that faster equals better.

The component that most significantly raised the overall score was “working memory,” measured in the “very superior” range. I find myself wondering if perhaps having an exceptional memory may have been the cause of folks who knew me in my elementary school years believing that I was exceptionally smart on a general level.

Elementary school is of course primarily about rote memorization. If one has a strong memory, it might be expected that one would do very well during those years. Furthermore, if the rest of the components making up one’s intelligence aren’t as strong, it might be expected that performance would begin to decline in later years as academic work begins to consist of more than simply memorizing. And that is exactly what happened in my case.

Puzzlingly enough, even though my IQ is below even the average college graduate, the neuropsychologist who administered the test strongly encouraged me to go to graduate school, and this was after she knew the results of the test. It wasn’t clear, however, if she meant for a career in academia or for a more “practical” graduate degree, the latter perhaps being not quite so puzzling.

In other news, I was pleased to learn that I am eligible for vocational rehabilitation services. Furthermore, I was surprised to learn that I have been placed in the highest priority category. I thought for sure I would be at a lower priority level because I don’t have any intellectual disability, am currently working, and have a history of working, though neither now nor in the last 10 years on a full-time basis. While this isn’t relevant now since the pandemic has led to the suspension of waiting lists, if those lists were reimplemented in the future, it would mean I wouldn’t have to worry about that.

[JoeGreenParadox (imported)]

Wow. Just wow.

There are things that are important in life. Please focus on those.

Please be careful about reducing the anti-psychotics. Only do it with a doctor's active supervison. I have had friends who decided they didn't need those things, then lost their connections to reality. A couple never came back.

IQ is only a number. If that particular test is not calibrated for someone with your background and talents, then there will be a false result. You got a false result.

IQ goes down, usually slowly, with advancing age. Beats the alternative. In my experience with friends and family, it is more than balanced out by an increase in wisdom. You don't need to be as good at learning, when you already have a good answer.

All sorts of things are IQ tests. Drafting an exposition reveals a great deal about your level of inteligence. From your post, I see that you are well organized, deal well with nuances, use correct spelling, use correct syntax, use precisely correct punctuation, and when you do not use precisely correct syntax, your phrasing is calculated to be informative. You use a broad vocabulary and do a good job of following a train of thought.

Any IQ test that ranks your IQ below 125 is broken. Above 135 is likely.

The author of your post is neither stupid nor average.

For those who would quibble,I do not intend to support those assertions. Take them or leave them, as you will.

[plix (imported)]

Wow. Just wow.

There are things that are important in life. Please focus on those.

Please be careful about reducing the anti-psychotics. Only do it with a doctor's active supervison. I have had friends who decided they didn't need those things, then lost their connections to reality. A couple never came back.

IQ is only a number. If that particular test is not calibrated for someone with your background and talents, then there will be a false result. You got a false result.

IQ goes down, usually slowly, with advancing age. Beats the alternative. In my experience with friends and family, it is more than balanced out by an increase in wisdom. You don't need to be as good at learning, when you already have a good answer.

All sorts of things are IQ tests. Drafting an exposition reveals a great deal about your level of inteligence. From your post, I see that you are well organized, deal well with nuances, use correct spelling, use correct syntax, use precisely correct punctuation, and when you do not use precisely correct syntax, your phrasing is calculated to be informative. You use a broad vocabulary and do a good job of following a train of thought.

Any IQ test that ranks your IQ below 125 is broken. Above 135 is likely.

The author of your post is neither stupid nor average.

For those who would quibble,I do not intend to support those assertions. Take them or leave them, as you will.

Thank you for your reply and kind words. Looks like your first post to boot, so welcome.

I did contemplate the possibility, conceited though my doing so seemed to me, that the test result, for whatever reason, was inaccurate. However, most would likely point out that the test was official and professionally administered, so the probability of any errors may be slim. Nevertheless, and regardless of whether it happened to me, I am virtually certain that there have been cases where even official, professionally administered IQ tests have produced mistaken results.

I would wholeheartedly agree that spending one’s energy dwelling on the results of an IQ test is likely not the wisest use of that energy.

The antipsychotic medication was initially, in my case, prescribed for severe anxiety. The prescriber was a psychiatrist employed at the college I attended many years ago. She suggested quetiapine as an alternative due to my reluctance to take more typical anxiety medications because of side effects I had experienced.

I currently take 25 mg of the old, immediate-release version. 25 mg is also where I started all those years ago. It’s taken me nearly six months to taper to that point from 50 mg, which is what I took for most of my years on this medication (though my peak dose was 100 mg for about a year or so).

I’ve recently come to acknowledge that it’s been many years since it has done anything to alleviate my anxiety. Quetiapine’s salient effect for me these days is enabling sleep, and indeed, sleep has become physiologically impossible without it. The sole question in determining whether I will be successful with completely tapering off is whether I can ever learn to sleep again without it.

As far as the tapering goes, while I formulated the plan myself, I do have the blessing of my current psychiatric practitioner. He has encouraged me to replace the quetiapine with mirtazapine for sleep purposes, but so far I have declined because my goal is to eliminate the need for all medications rather than get hooked on another one. It may, however, become necessary to seek a replacement sleep aid once I venture into lower doses. I’m going to stick with 25 mg for the foreseeable future because I anticipate below that level is where the real “fun” will begin.

[plix (imported)]

Over the years, it’s become apparent to me that when most folks ponder the question “is there anything after death?” The question they are really asking is, “Is there anything after death… for me?”

The standard assumptions regarding the “afterlife,” of course, are that either the self will continue on in some form or another or will cease to exist. And if the self is obliterated, then, as one of the “Biocentrism” books put it, that is “just the end of everything.” Or, as I prefer to term it, “eternal nothingness.” Timeless nothingness might be more technically correct, but I use the word eternal to emphasize that the nothingness is irrevocable. (Trying to wrap one’s mind around that concept is certainly difficult. After all, last time around, the nothingness had a terminus coinciding with your birth and/or conception, but next time around, it will never end…..ever.)

I, on the other hand, say these standard assumptions constitute a false dichotomy and take a different approach to this question of what happens after death.

My ex-girlfriend put it this way when she addressed my views on this topic: “Most people just think about themselves when they answer that question, but you think beyond yourself.”

My approach begins with acknowledging something that few would deny. Even after you die, not only will the universe continue, but also not just one but a multitude of lives will spring into existence. This is true even if you cease to exist at death. While I don’t claim certitude on this matter, I am inclined to believe that the individual self does cease to exist at death. A non-materialist, more spiritually oriented way of phrasing this might be that the individual self is illusory. But no matter how you phrase it, I recognize that many new lives will commence even after yours concludes. The converse is also true - many other lives existed before the one you know now, and therefore claiming there was only nothingness before you were born is also misguided.

Rudimentary nuggets of my worldview were clearly developing many years ago when, in the EA chat (back in those days when I was active there ), I once mentioned during a philosophical discussion with another member (sadly now deceased), “But even after you die, lots of other people will be born, and how do you know that one of those people couldn’t be you?”

Now, after having a number of years to refine my thoughts on this matter, I’ve come to a much better understanding of what I was saying when I posed that question. I wasn’t saying that any of those people (and today, I would probably also extend it to any of those nonhuman life forms) born after your death would literally be “you,” but rather that each of them will be a life just like yours was. Each of them will have consciousness, awareness, a feeling of being alive and being a self just like you did. How then can anyone say there will be eternal nothingness after death?

The standard materialist belief seems to be that since none of those other lives are “you,” death can only bring eternal nothingness. Indeed, I encountered someone online who said that life after death might be possible, but the only way would be that if, through “scientific” means such as parallel universes or enough time/distance in this universe, the precise combination of atoms that created this “you” arrange themselves together again to make another “you.” I was flabbergasted when I read this. Is this person suggesting that the only way a consciousness can be real, can be experienced, is if it is “their” consciousness?

Basically, it seems to me that either folks who make the argument that only another literal you would be life after death or folks who simply claim that death brings eternal nothingness believe that the consciousness of those who come into existence after they die is somehow less existent than their own, simply because it isn’t their own.

These folks, therefore, are solipsists. They say “before I began to exist, there was nothingness, and after I cease to exist, there will be nothingness.” In other words, they say “I am all that exists.” I see no way to reconcile the eternal nothingness theory with anything other than than solipsism. To attempt to do so ignores all the other lives, all the other feelings of being alive, conscious, and a self that existed before you did and will come into existence after you stop existing.

Some folks, upon encountering my worldview, say, “Oh, so you believe in reincarnation.” However, I believe that this is, at best, a misnomer. Most traditional and new age concepts of reincarnation imply the existence of some sort of permanent aspect of the self (most commonly called a “soul”) that migrates from life to life. They also imply a separateness between the souls. In other words, “my” lives are different from “your” lives. The Buddhist concept might be different, but, while my understanding of Buddhism is elementary and therefore perhaps mistaken, it seems that even Buddhism teaches there is some sort of link between the lives (even if not an unchanging soul), and this link is how we can distinguish the separate beings living the lives.

With my view, there is no sort of link required between lives. After all, if a conscious self was created seemingly “ex nihilo” once when you were born, just how much faith is required to believe that the same thing couldn’t happen again even after you cease to exist? Too much as far as I’m concerned.

I was first introduced the idea that all lives might be one when I encountered Andy Weir’s short story, “The Egg.” When I read it, I thought that it was a nice idea, even if that seemingly supernatural components were difficult for me to accept. It wasn’t until after I spent years mulling the idea that it started to make sense. After all, if traditional concepts of reincarnation are true, then just how do we distinguish between “my” and “your” lives? The soul? Well, Just how many “souls” are there when each one lives such a vast number of lives? I eventually realized that the only way life makes sense is that if there is only one “soul,” manifested in all these different varieties of existence we call life.

Now, just for fun, suppose that most tenets of materialism are correct. Suppose that each life really is a self that is separate from everyone and everything else in the universe. Suppose that

the universe is a random accident

and life is a random accident. Suppose that consciousness is wholly and solely generated by the material brain. Would any of that change my theory that life can happen more than once? I think not. It is still simply a matter of one self ceasing to exist and a new one beginning to exist, regardless of whether that sense of self originates from some deeper reality or a brand-new material brain.

However, if those tenets of materialism are correct, there are a couple of points I could see being argued:

1. There will eventually be eternal nothingness. This is because chances are, and scientific theory suggests, that life on Earth, Earth itself, and/or the universe will eventually “die.” However, barring some unexpected calamity that causes one of these things to happen sooner than expected, eternal nothingness won’t begin anytime soon after “you” die. But even here, additional assumptions are required. We’d have to believe that science won’t eventually devise a method to circumvent the destruction of Earth and the universe, that Earth is the only planet in the universe harboring life, that this is the only universe that is or will ever be, and that a random accident generating life could not ever happen again.

2. If time is indeed real, objective, and unfolding unidirectionally at an immutable pace independently of life, I suppose, much to my disappointment, that the next existence could only begin in a future period of time shortly after your death.

(I of course have virtually insurmountable reservations regarding the veracity of the aforementioned tenets of materialism. I am merely stating that even if they are accurate, the notion that life can only happen once is nevertheless mistaken).

To recapitulate, most folks who ask if there is anything after death are actually asking if there is anything after death for me (with each of them thinking of themselves as “me”). In contrast, I have come to believe that the only sensible answer to the question is obtained when one omits the “for me” portion of the question as I do. It is then easy to see that while you may be annihilated at death, another life will begin to exist, and while that person (or other life form) won’t be “you” in the same sense that you are you now, that life will nevertheless have a brain, the feeling that it is a conscious self, and the ability to interact with its surroundings just as you do now. Just because it isn’t “you” doesn’t mean it won’t be as real as the life you are experiencing now.

So, there you have it, folks. That is my take on the matter. I’ve spent many years pondering this, and it is what makes the most sense to me. Now, could I be wrong? Of course. And wouldn’t life be so much better if all of us, including materialists, were willing to admit that?

[Origen22 (imported)]

As a believer I have pretty standard Christian outlook, but I think that your world, your network of friends, experiences material possessions are unique and die with you