Taking the Plunge.....Again

[Tany Squirrel (imported)]

My dearest Plix:

I am sure many would agree, we would be amiss without your missives. Your insight into your life, has been a guide for others. It has shown them they are not alone, in the way they feel. I am sure it has been an encouragement for some.

I am glad that you are looking to be stress free from your gender quandary. Revel in the delights of both sides if you can! (you may be a bridge between the sexes, a mediatior, knowing how both sides can feel.. a very rare gift indeed!).

you are young, often times it is better to have love find you, then seek it out, this assures less disappointment. Love sought, is often love unrequited (not returned). best to set yourself up for success than not key ingredient is patience..

I do hope that you find the adventures that you seek, and fulfillment in them. please be sure to update us frequently, so those of us who have followed your journal so far, can be assured that you are well and healthy.

If you feel very social ( which is a good thing), be sure to stop by the chatroom, if you don't already. talking live with this squirrel can be hilariously calamitous enough .

Warm regards,

Tanya Marie Squirrel

[fhunter]

fhunter: No worries about the hijacking concerns! If it were me and it were someone else's blog, I'd probably start a new thread if I wanted to have an extended conversation about my own experiences just out of a desire to be kind and polite, but I think just the sharing of one's own experiences is to be expected in a blog and can even be very helpful to the person who the blog belongs to as well as others! So thanks so much for sharing! Having not enough hormones in your system (whether E or T) can definitely lead to dark places. I've been there - had a really bad crash earlier this year when I stopped taking T. Wishes to die, suicidal thoughts, and all! Yep, concern over breast growth is my number one worry when it comes to taking E, both for social reasons and because I'm worried that if I decide I want to look more masculine again in the future, I'll regret the breast development. I can't remember - how do you identify in terms of gender? I definitely understand the trials of self-medicating, though I'm hoping that will be changing as of Monday.

Gender identity... once upon a time I joked that if I'd wake up female, I'll be much more worried about finding ID and other documents than about the whole change. In practice - androgynous, I guess. Definitely not male. So the whole breast growth thing worried me from social point most. Kind of like that. Sorry for the short answer in a thread of long form

[plix (imported)]

OK, it's been a little while since I've updated, so I thought it was time to check in.

Surprising as it may seem, yes, I am still taking E. I've been on it for a few days over five months now (not counting my adventures with DHEA, which would place it closer to six). This is about the same period of time as the longest I've ever taken E continuously.

I am still pretty happy with taking E, otherwise I probably wouldn't be doing it.

Probably the best news is that I am now under a doctor's care for the first time in about 10 years. Pretty exciting! It definitely feels good to be able to go fill a prescription for E at a local pharmacy for about 1/10th the cost of ordering it online. Given that I live in a small-like town, I was a little concerned there might be some sort of conscientious objections to filling the prescription (if they are allowed to do that.....I admittedly do not keep up as much with legal issues as I should), but so far nothing's come up. Sticking with a chain pharmacy probably helps.

I am seeing a doctor (actually, I think she's a nurse practitioner) at an LGBT clinic in the big city. She seems nice and non-judgmental. I admitted that I haven't had transgender feelings since early childhood, and she didn't have a problem with that. She is also prescribing my non-trans medication, which is pretty awesome since I don't have to go see that doctor in my small-like town who I really have never liked. His predecessor was like one of the best doctors I've ever had, but the new guy left a lot to be desired. Every time I would go visit him, he would remember absolutely nothing about previous visits - including the fact that I had no testicles and needed hormones. Granted, no doctor can be expected to remember all their patients, but at least look at the chart or something before the visit!

Physically, I am definitely seeing changes. Softer skin, noticeable facial changes, a little more in the way of hips and a butt (though not much), increased boobage.......it's hard to say for sure whether they are still buds or getting close to a cup size, but they're definitely bigger than before and seem to be getting more defined in terms of shape. They are noticeable through many shirts now, though they are still by no means huge. They are also quite sore and frequently itchy.

I actually had a dream about them the other night. I was seeing a doctor, though strangely enough the office was located in my grandmother's old bedroom.........there come those pesky unresolved childhood issues again. The doctor told me that he could remove them if I wanted. I was hesitant but agreed. I saw him insert a tube into my chest and start sucking them out piece by piece. Yep, awake for the whole thing.....that's dreams for you!

After it was over, I looked into the antique mirror my grandmother used to have in there and saw that they were gone.....just two empty flaps of skin where they used to be. As I looked at my new self, I realized I had just made a HUGE mistake. I tried to console myself with the fact that now I could take E forever and no one would ever know.........but still, I felt a profound sense of loss and regret. I woke up with those feelings and then became so thankful it was only a dream. You'd think the whole doctor's office in my grandmother's bedroom thing would have clued me in......but yeah. I actually felt to make sure they were still there after I woke up.

The interesting thing is a couple years ago I had consulted a doctor about the possibility of having them removed. All I can say is thank goodness I didn't go through with that!

Yes, I'm scared about them getting bigger. Obviously they are going to become even more noticeable, and obviously that's going to create some interesting situations. But I'm also excited. I'm glad to have them, and I actually want them to grow!

The downside is my face is still terribly, unmistakably masculine. It's depressing much of the time to see it and realize that. Yes, the skin has softened, but the bone structure is still there. Why does my jawline have to be so freakishly big and my forehead so prominently strong? You know, I think despite my balding head, huge shoulders and feet, there's a good chance I would transition if it weren't for my face. No one will ever think that face belongs to a woman though, and I have to accept that.

The knowledge that I have to accept what my first puberty did to me doesn't take away the longing though. The desire that comes and goes, though more often comes now. The fact that I want to be a woman. The way I look at women's clothes and feel how awesome and amazing they are and wonder what if I could just wear them. The fact that the feminine role feels so much more right for me than the masculine role. The fact that men have suddenly become much more appealing than they ever were before. What is it like to have a handsome man see you as a woman and treat you as such? More than likely, I'll never know. Still, I'll forever wonder.

It's still hard for me to say for sure that I have a sexual interest in men. While I could be very wrong, I've always thought that the female sex drive is probably very different from its male counterpart. I've always theorized that even gay men and women probably experience attraction to men differently. For the former, it's probably in a pretty typical male way even if the object is men instead of women. But what is it like for the latter? Or is it actually any different? I may never know.

All I know is that there are times I look at men and very much enjoy doing so. There are times when I notice a man's features, his masculinity and think to myself that it's actually pretty amazing. There are times when I imagine having a man take the lead, being held by him and cuddling with him. A couple months ago, I was locking up my church one night and getting ready to head home when a couple of very handsome young men walked in to take care of something. It was just me and them in the church, and suddenly I was thinking to myself that I wouldn't mind it at all if one of them just decided to have his way with me right then and there.

But despite that last incident, this isn't necessarily sexual attraction. I could just be admiring the male form from more of an aesthetic viewpoint. And it certainly doesn't happen all the time.....there are times when I look at men and feel nothing, though lately more often than not I do perceive them as being something different from me and nice to look at even if I don't feel anything else.

I know this new way I see men is different from how males see them (or at least how I personally saw them when I was on T), but I suppose I'd need an idea of how lesbians see men in order to have a better idea of what I am experiencing.

As far as attraction to women goes, it's virtually non-existent. While I don't think I could say 100 percent extinct, it's definitely very, very low. I'm now much more likely to look at a woman and want to be her or wear her clothes or something along those lines rather than fantasize about her sexually. And the idea of a romantic relationship with a woman seems strange and foreign.

Seriously, I wish I could stop obsessing about this attraction thing! For all I know I am asexual and not attracted to either men or women sexually. I definitely don't think I'm aromantic though. In fact, that's one of the things about E......since starting it, the idea of being alone is becoming less and less appealing. Not just in a romantic context. I find I want to be out more now, want to have more friends to do stuff with and just be around. So glad I had invitations from two different friends this year for Christmas! In the past, on T, I couldn't have cared less about being alone on Christmas. But this year I didn't want to do it.

But also in a romantic context. I now want a life partner. Of course, given my circumstances we all know it will take someone pretty non-traditional, whether it's a man or a woman.

Emotionally speaking, I'm all over the place, and sometimes in a pretty short period of time. Just a few days ago, I was angry one evening, depressed and bawling my eyes out the next morning, and then ecstatic later that day.

I love it though! Having emotions is pretty darn awesome!

So yep, pretty crazy times!

The thing is, I know that I haven't always felt this way, and that's what makes it so strange. I know that on T (and even on nothing) I generally think of myself as male and don't have these thoughts and issues I have now. So what's this all about? Is it all in my head, a sort of placebo effect if you will? Or I am just some weird kind of person whose identity actually changes based on the hormones he/she is taking? I read an article recently that said the human brain structure changes to become more like the opposite sex in the presence of cross-sex hormones. So is it possible that even if I wasn't female before, I will over time become that way due to taking E?

I am still more likely to think that while I'm not 100 percent male, at least while taking E, I am somewhere in between male and female or some combination of both rather than anything else. My masculine side isn't completely dead, after all, even if he is pretty suppressed under the presence of E.

[plix (imported)]

OK, so the whole "try to ignore the gender/sexuality issues and focus on other things instead" plan hasn't worked. The issues come back as strong as ever no matter how much I try to ignore them.

So I am now trying a different plan, which involves allowing myself to explore and research these issues as much as I need to.

Of particular interest is my Asperger's as it may relate to these issues....technically it's actually autism spectrum disorder now, but perhaps partially due to the fact that I think there are enough differences between Aspies and those who have full-blown autism to warrant a separate diagnosis, I'll probably always think of myself as an Aspie. No, I haven't been diagnosed, and due to a lack of both resources and interest, I probably never will be. But my years of research and consideration have led me to feel virtually 100 percent certain I am on the spectrum.

The question becomes how much of what I am experiencing is due to my being an Aspie and how much of it is genuine gender issues? There are those who feel that when gender issues are present in Aspies, it's actually just another one of our infamous "fixations" (as I like to call them - but they are more typically referred to as "obsessions" or "special interests") rather than being genuine gender issues. But if that is true, then is it even possible for Aspies to have any "real" interests, characteristics, or traits? Or is everything we experience just another Aspie fixation?

Yes, I've never related to males, the male role, the male experience, or the male way of relating to one another.....the "bro" thing and bonding over sports and all of that. But that could be more of an Asperger's thing than a gender thing......apparently it is just as common for Aspie girls not to feel they can relate to other females.

Nevertheless, there are differences between the male and female Asperger's "profile." And dude, it's freaking EERIE how accurate the female version of Asperger's describes me. Most of the Aspie characteristics I can't relate to come from the male version, particularly when it comes to kinds of fixations (which are much more aligned with the female profile) and lack of outbursts when growing up (pretty much all the sources seem to specify outbursts as being a prominent Aspie boy trait....my experience was the passive, quiet persona that some of the sources mention as being an Aspie girl trait). There's also having intense friendships with one other person, being able to relate better to feelings/emotions, and socially copying/mimicking others. All of those things seem to be female Aspie traits, and all of them describe me.

To be fair, there a couple of ways in which I do seem to fit the male Aspie profile better. Some sources say that female Aspies don't experience fixations at all, or at least not to the extreme their male counterparts do. I definitely have fixations, though even compared to other Aspies they seem short-lived.....sometimes it's just a matter of days before I have moved on to a new one or they are just gone. Other sources, however, do say that females experience fixations too......they are just more aligned with neurotypical girls/women. That would definitely describe me!

There's also the stimming.....some sources say that females don't stim as much, and when they do, it's different, less obvious kinds. I on the other hand stim like crazy when alone, and it's the stereotypical kind of stimming.....this is more associated with the male profile.

But despite a few anomalies, it is really weird to see how accurately the female Asperger's profile fits me as a whole.

Fitting the female profile could explain why I wasn't diagnosed as a child or at least perceived as there being something wrong with me. Apparently, girls are diagnosed less often than boys and are often not diagnosed until later in life because they are better able to hide their symptoms/appear as normal. But to be fair, it could also be that awareness surrounding Asperger's was much lower when I was growing up in the early 90s and that I went to low-income schools and had other low-income resources available to me that would probably not be as aware of/trained in issues like Asperger's.

So it just my Asperger's that causes me to be unable to relate to the male experience, or do I have actual discomfort with having been born male? Is it just the neurotypical male experience I can't relate to, or is it really the male experience in general?

It's definitely clear that gender nonconformity was present in my childhood, more so than I realized at the time. From wanting girl's clothes (at least one time that I've been told about....see below about memory issues) and other items (more than once), from liking jewelry and "pretty things" as my grandmother put it, from preferring to play with girls and engaging in the type of play girls usually engage in, and from relating much more to female characters in my favorite movies and books than to male characters, it's clear to me that I wasn't a typical boy.

But despite relating better to girls and liking those girly things, I just don't remember ever thinking "I am a girl", "I want to be a girl," or "I'm not a boy." But you know what? It's really mind-boggling how other trans people (and even cis people) seem to have all these rich, vivid memories of detailed thoughts and feelings they had as children. Dude, I have a hard enough time remembering detailed thoughts I had last month, let alone what I was thinking when I was 3 years old! I seriously don't get how people can recall all these detailed thoughts they had as very young children. I sure wish I could remember what I thought about gender as I was growing up.....might help me better understand if these issues I am experiencing are real!

But guess what? When you have divorced parents, different strange men and women moving in and out every few months, roaches crawling all around you, a man beating the snot out of you and a mother who doesn't seem to care, and a lack of money, you don't have time to worry about things like what gender you are. You focus on survival and nothing else. Good old Maslow and his hierarchy.....how was I supposed to focus on who I really am inside when I didn't even have the basic needs met?

Yes, all the stories you see on the news of biological boys happily dancing around the room dressed in girl's clothing......they don't come from families like mine. If I had grown up in a middle-class household with two loving parents, would I have thought more about gender?

All I know is that for the first time in my life, I feel right. Taking E makes me feel good inside, and it's brought a peace and happiness I've never known before. The other day, I was walking through the mall (as if the fact that the mall is like one of my favorite hangout places ever shouldn't be a clue ) when a feeling of indescribable peace came over me as I realized "you know what the answers to these questions are." And I think I deep down, I do know the answers. I'm just afraid of them for multiple reasons.

First of all, I'm not sure just how trans I am. Yes.....I'll "come out" (pun may or may not be intended ) and say it.....I am officially identifying as trans! Transsexual? Don't know. But some kind of trans, that's for sure. Given my childhood history, my

strong identification with the feminine

and lack of ability to relate to the masculine, and the fact that I love E and what it does for me, I think it's pretty clear I'm not male. I don't think a man could say those things were true, especially the whole loving and feeling right on E part.

I still think it's very possible I could be androgynous/genderfluid/something other than fully female. Given my shifts in the past and the fact that the way I feel seems to be able to be influenced by hormones, genderfluid seems like a good possibility. But feeling masculine depresses me. That's been my experience lately. I feel so happy when I feel feminine and depressed during those times when I worry I might be feeling more masculine again. What does that mean? Am I a woman? Should I just accept that? Or is it the other way around.....do I need to accept that I am in between and sometimes I will feel masculine?

One major thing holding me back from full identification as a woman is the gynephilia I experienced as a male and on T. Had I been attracted to men before castration as my grandmother was so sure would happen, I'd say "Dude, I'm a woman! Sign me up!"

But as trans and/or homophobic as it might sound, I have a hard time accepting that female-attracted MtFs are "as trans" as androphilic ones. The reasons are mostly logical......while yes, if there can be straight women born in male bodies, it seems like there could also be lesbians born in male bodies. But you would think the percentage should be the same as in the cisfemale population. It's been a while since I've checked the numbers, but it seems like about 50 percent of MtFs are attracted exclusively to women compared to about 2 percent in the cis population. A huge difference! As far as I can see, there are two possibilities:

1. There is some underlying cause we don't yet understand that makes the percentage of MtF lesbians so much higher than cis lesbians

2. Many/Most of these MtFs are not truly trans

I have little doubt that I was exclusively gynephilic before my castration. Yes, it's weird that porn never seemed to do anything for me (I used to joke that women were more sexy with their clothes on than off ), that I didn't start masturbating until I was 16, and that I didn't seem to get anything out of the strip club experience (th

ough that was after castration but whe

n on T), but I never had sexual thoughts about males, got erections when looking at women, and all masturbatory fantasies were about them.

So how could I have been anything but gynephilic back then? Of course, I've mentioned elsewhere that my sexuality seems to range from a lot more fluid to much more male-oriented when off T and especially when on E. Some research seems to indicate that female sexuality is a lot more fluid than male sexuality and that even straight women can sometimes be attracted to other women.

But can sexual orientation really change just like that, or is it all in my head? That's the big question regarding sexuality I'm trying to answer. I'm beginning to think that experimenting sexually is the only way I'm going to figure this out. That way it's real rather than in the fantastic world of the mind. But how to go about doing that? Do I go back to a strip club again and see if I get anything out of any encounters, sober of course this time? Do I try to find a gay strip club to explore that side of things? Something easier on my bank account would be nice though!

I also have some doubt about whether I can really change my sex. You have to remember, I live in a backneck-woods-type part of the country, and all my friends are conservative, fundamentalist Christians. Biological realities that can't be altered.......the way you were made......it's hard not to be influenced by those ideas when they are what you are constantly surrounded with. One of my friends is such a sweet, sensitive, and intelligent guy.....but he's stated clearly that he believes there are only two genders.

I realized recently that I have absolutely no liberal friends! All my friends are conservatives, and none of them would accept my trans status (the one friend who does know doesn't seem to accept it......though strangely enough he may be coming around.....he actually offered to pay for my ears to be pierced the last time we were at the mall together! I didn't do it though.....) I know absolutely no one in the LGBT community, though I've been told such a community does exist even in this little town....and apparently there is an exciting first-time event being planned for later this year.

Anyway, back on topic! Even if I did determine somewhere down the line that I want to transition, I know that I would never do such a thing without facial work. I'm a pretty crazy, bold, and unconventional, but not crazy, bold, and unconventional enough to live as an unpassable trans person! I'm sure that for someone with a face as manly as mine, even FFS would have its limits since there's only so much bone they can cut off. At most, it might be able to bring my face into a more androgynous range.

But, I am taking little steps. I am now wearing women's pants. Yes, that's pants, not the other similar-looking word For comfort reasons if for nothing else.....you can see some little curves on me, and my butt is definitely growing. Women's pants feel a lot better! Unfortunately, I'm a size 14, which is pretty hard to find! The good news is I'm about the average height for a woman, so length isn't an issue!

So, to sum it all up:

1. I now identify as transgender

2. I am wondering what my sexual orientation is - leaning towards fluid but haven't ruled out androphilic or asexual

3. I am wondering just how trans I am

Thanks so much if you actually read these very long posts of mine!

[MacTheWolf (imported)]

Friend plix, you are definitely long-winded Speaking of your mostly fundamentalist Christian friends, did I tell you I joined the Mormon church?

By the way, are you still substitute teaching or did you find full time teaching?

[tugon (imported)]

Plix I always read your posts. I do not always have anything to say since I do not always understand your struggles. As you may remember my experience with HRT is non existent and knowledge is minimal. I am pleased to read anytime you have found a period of happiness. I smile when I think we went to Hooters for nothing.

[plix (imported)]

Friend plix, you are definitely long-winded Speaking of your mostly fundamentalist Christian friends, did I tell you I joined the Mormon church?

By the way, are you still substitute teaching or did you find full time teaching?

I know! The funniest part is it could have actually been about twice as long.....but I perhaps wisely decided to save some of the stuff I wanted to talk about for a future post

Nothing wrong with that.....I'm a very spiritual person and always encourage others to find and follow a spiritual path that is appropriate for them! Also, I was mostly speaking of local friends who I actually see in person from time to time, but if you count my online friends, then there's probably more diversity involved.

Still subbing! It's a constant battle between loving the job with all my heart and the finance issues working the job creates due to large chunks of the year with no income (still recovering from the effects of the second largest chunk). Having my first snow day in a couple years this last week didn't help matters of course.....grrrrr. Oh well, at least yesterday didn't turn into another snow day like I was so afraid it might.

You need to update your blog more often, si

r! I was wondering what the heck had happened to you.

Plix I always read your posts. I do not always have anything to say since I do not always understand your struggles. As you may remember my experience with HRT is non existent and knowledge is minimal. I am pleased to read anytime you have found a period of happiness.

I smile when I think we went to Hooters for nothing.

Thanks so much.....that means a lot! Most of the time I don't really expect to hear anything back when I make these posts. It's just a sort of therapeutic thing for me, I think. There are times when all these thoughts and feelings are bubbling inside of me and ready to burst, and since I would never consider talking to any of my real-life friends about these issues (except for one, but he understandably gets exasperated when I talk about this stuff too much), this is pretty much the only place I can turn for all thoughts/questions trans-related.

As far as the Hooters visit goes, it wasn't all that bad! After all, even if I didn't enjoy the young women as much as I may have liked to believe at the time, there was still the good food and good company.

[MacTheWolf (imported)]

Plix., you are correct, I should update my thread more often. I have turned the ripe old age of 71 and I have three medical maladies to report: (1) high blood pressure which is under control thanks to my medication (Enalapril). (2) Type two diabetes which I am living with. I don't mind taking two pills a day but I do object to sticking my tummy with an insulin syringe every day - but I do it anyways. (3) I have a mild skin infection on the left-hand side of my face. I have to keep it shaved as the hair makes it hurt worse. It began as Shingles two years but hasc since mutated into an unknown virus. A dermatologist did a biopsy on it which came back inconclusive. I cover the area with Carmex when I have the $$$ and vasoline when I don't have $$$.

Every month I run low on food but a friend supports me monthly with grants of $25 to help out. I'm off to the ATM now to see if there is enough in my account for milk, cereal, bread and lunchmeat.

See you laters.

[plix (imported)]

MacTheWolf: Glad to see you are still plugging away despite the medical and financial issues! The wonders of modern medicine definitely make that stuff a lot easier to deal with. Hopefully they find a cure for shingles sometime soon.......I know I'll probably be dealing with it myself someday!

Well, I am still on E. This makes pretty close to 8 months now and definitely my longest stretch. I'm still absolutely loving it. It's like

for the first time in my life, I feel

like myself. I am still so shocked at how much my personality has changed, how much more open and social I can be with people now (though to be fair, there are still times when it exhausts me and I end up shutting down......yep, probably still an introvert ). And being alone is still much less appealing than it used to be in the past. I look forward now to the next social activity, the next time when I'll get to spend time with others (though I still prefer one-on-one interactions for the most part).

There are so many other changes as well, too many to describe really! My sense of smell is stronger than ever, colors seem more beautiful than before, I tend to notice what my grandmother would probably call "pretty things" a lot more than I used to. One of the strangest (yet most welcome) changes is how I can get teary-eyed over any little thing, and it usually happens multiple times a day. I love it! There's also how much more I notice other people's body heat, especially men. Guys are so warm now, and often I don't even have to touch them to notice it. Just being near them seems to be enough. I was sitting a couple seats away from a guy not too long ago, and I felt like he could start a fire with that warmth. Not unwelcome though.........I love beyond belief this new person I've become!

So yes, regardless of who or what I actually am inside, estrogen makes me pretty darn happy! Of course, it's not always that way. These last couple weeks or so I've been in an exceptionally good mood. But there are occasional bouts of depression as well that seem more intense than before. That's what seems to happen with E - it magnifies whatever mood you are in a ton. Fortunately, the good moods have far outweighed the bad in my case!

As far as sexuality goes, it still varies! There are times when I feel pretty asexual, times when I feel pretty attracted to men, and occasionally even times when I think I might still feel attraction to women. Not sure about any of that though, but here are the basics:

- During my asexual times I don't feel much attraction to anyone

- During my allegedly androphilic times I can look a guy and definitely seem to feel something.....feeling that he's cute, hot, and generally pretty amazing. I often get a warm, bubbly, giddy sort of feeling inside when this happens.

- When looking at women, I rarely feel what I think is sexual attraction any more. I'm much more likely to notice clothes/nail polish/earrings (earrings in particular seem to be a lot more noticeable to me than they were in the past.....weird!) and think how beautiful/awesome those things are and wish I could wear them myself. Then again, there are still times I feel like I may be feeling attraction. But it's hard to tell. I can still look at a woman and think "she's pretty," but it usually doesn't seem to be in a sexual way at all.....hard to explain, I just know it seems different from how I felt when on T. Even with those occasional times when I think maybe it is sexual, the warm, bubbly, giddy feeling isn't there.

But I'm still confused. A female friend (who is now aware of my trans status) told me she finds the sight of two women kissing to be "disgusting." I don't think I could say I'd find it disgusting, though I also wouldn't say it was appealing or otherwise turned me on. Two hot guys going at it though.....yeah, that would now officially turn me on! On T, though, I would side with my friend and would have called it disgusting.

So sexual contact between or with women doesn't seem to disgust me like it does my female friend, but it also isn't appealing like it formerly was. Sexual contact between or with men would have formerly disgusted me, but now it definitely can be a turn on. Yep....my weirdness keeps getting weirder!

Even physical contact with men has changed for me. I would have formerly found it disgusting and would have tried to avoid it. Now I sort of like it. I've had multiple occasions of accidental physical contact with guys, and when it happens, I notice their warmth and generally find the experience pretty pleasant overall.

So basically, when it comes to my sexual orientation, I think I can safely say I've narrowed it down to asexual, bisexual, or androphilic. It is possible I could still have some degree of attraction to women, though it doesn't seem to be as prominent as the feelings I seem to have for men. After all, I was attracted to women for years, and I do have my doubts that I can just "forget" being attracted to women. I can still theoretically remember what it was like to be attracted to women even if I don't actually feel that way anymore.

As far as outward changes go, they are definitely there, and they seem to be getting more noticeable. While the frequency of stares overall doesn't seem to be as high as when I was younger, I do seem to be getting more of them lately. I can tell that my face has softened a lot. I am still "sired" without any hesitation though, so most likely it's just people think I look weird for a guy.

There was an also an incident at work a few weeks ago. A student was basically going around telling other students I had a bra on. I don't wear a bra, so it definitely couldn't be that, but my guess is she noticed something in the chest department, and my having a bra on was her way of conceptualizing it. I don't know exactly what the cup sizes look like, so it's hard for me to say for sure, but if I had to guess, I would probably say I'm pushing an "A" cup if not there already. They are definitely becoming more noticeable, even through the work shirts that formerly concealed them pretty well. For the first time in my life, they actually are starting to look like real boobs!

So yes, I'm scared. Excited, but terrified! I love E and what it's done for me so much, but I am scared that eventually people at work are going to figure out there's something going on. Overall, I seem to be a pretty decent responder to E, especially when you consider my levels. I had my levels tested the other day, and I am only at 89 pg/ml. That's on 4 mg per day divided into two doses (at the insistence of my doctor.....she says the human body can only absorb 2 mg at a time, which I'm inclined to believe given my past experiences with taking more than that at once).

But despite those low levels, I've had pretty dramatic changes. I have a feeling that if not for my very masculine face, I'd already be "male failing." That face is what saves (or curses) me though, and like I said.....still "sired" often without the least bit of hesitation.

So, given the risks of being involuntary "outed" and possibly losing my job, do I keep going or pull back? I guess what I decided to do (with my doctor's approval of course) should let you know what side of the fence I'm on ..... or maybe would be better!

Yep, my doctor (who I love....she is so awesome!) and I decided to bump up the dose! So I'm now on 6 mg of E and 100 mg of P (progesterone). She said she is willing to go as high as 8 mg, so there's still more room to go up in the future.

While I do welcome/appreciate/love the physical changes, I'm more concerned with mental/emotional effects, especially since at least at this time I don't plan to transition. So if I feel like things are not going as well mentally/emotionally (more bad moods, etc.), I will pull back. But so far I think I've gotten a taste of a new me that I absolutely love, and I'm very curious to see if higher doses that really put me in the female range levelwise make that even better!

Also, for the first time in my life, I was given a "preliminary" diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. I'm also seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner, and he gave me the diagnosis. It doesn't count for official purposes it sounds like since he is not PhD level. But it is a preliminary diagnosis, and I guess it is some degree of validation of what I've always known.

He referred me for testing for a "confirmatory" diagnosis, but it remains to be seen whether I'll be able to pursue that. The first place I was referred to doesn't assess anyone older than 22, and the place for older folks doesn't take my insurance. Out of pocket isn't an option for me.

Even bringing it up with him at all was mostly to appease some friends who have been pushing me really hard to get a diagnosis. Had I not brought it up, I have no doubt that he never would thought of me as on the spectrum. I'm very good at passing for normal, that's for sure! Even when I did bring it up, I had to spend hours writing a detailed list of the reasons I think I have it, organized into diagnostic criteria categories. It definitely took some convincing!

So I have a preliminary diagnosis by a master's level mental health professional, but whether I'll ever get a "real" diagnosis is still up in the air, and not only for financial reasons. It's also that I don't think I need one. Yes, I know I'm on the spectrum, but at this stage of my life, and given how high-functioning I am, I don't really see what a diagnosis could do for me. I think I am too high-functioning to benefit from any services. I looked at the services page of the website of the first place I was referred to, and on it were pictures of clearly low-functioning individuals. I have a feeling I'd be laughed at if I walked in there and asked for services!

My friends see things differently though. They are convinced that I'm disabled and are very concerned for me and my future. They want me to pursue a disability income. It's really stressing me out and scaring me! I prefer to focus on my abilities rather than any disabilities, and I think my history clearly shows I am a very high-functioning individual who will always be capable of some kind of work.

So that's it.....a summary (if you really think it could be called that ) of just another crazy couple of months in my life!

[tugon (imported)]

Wow it is great to read that you are happy. On the other hand I am saddened that again you have friends who are talking you into a disability. You have much to offer the world and you have proved that you can work a full time job that you did not like. I am glad you are happier with your current job. To me working a job you did not like until you found one you liked shows good personal growth.

As far as a diagnosis is concerned why worry about labeling yourself. If it brings you a better understanding of you great but we are all labeled enough so why invite another? We are all interesting unique beings so enjoy the differences. There is only one Plix and you will touch the lives you do.

I am so glad you are happy!