Taking the Plunge.....Again

[plix (imported)]

Primarily because of the request of a co-worker/friend, I recently went out on a date. The general consensus is that the date probably did not go well. While we seemed to have no trouble making conversation (though I did not necessarily feel that we were “clicking”), she made an excuse about needing to get work done almost immediately after I paid the dinner bill. She in no way thanked me for the date, paying for dinner, or holding the door open for her as we entered the restaurant (it is tricky in this day and age to determine whether to do this – some women expect it while others are offended by it, but I decided to do it since my understanding from the co-worker/friend was that she is old-fashioned). But probably the biggest indicator that it did not go well was her silence when I asked her via Facebook about another date. I have since unfriended her as potential dating was the only reason for the friendship, and she does not seem like a nice person (I am not typically a big manners person, but a “thank you” seems appropriate even if she did not enjoy the date).

While at least I was not stood up after a long drive like the last time I attempted a date, this situation nonetheless does not help me feel good about dating. It is difficult to tell whether it was the nature of our conversation that turned her off (though I did not feel we would be particularly compatible based on that either, but I agreed to ask her out again and give it a second chance at the request of the co-worker/friend) or whether she decided she was not attracted to me physically, perhaps because of my eunuchoid features. She wasn’t a supermodel herself, but I have also seen much worse. If there is a numerical system that rates attractiveness, I would say our numbers were close to the same.

After discussing the date with the co-worker/friend who suggested it, I did something surprising, which was come out to her as a eunuch. I did not use the words “eunuch,” “testicles,” or “castrated,” but the way I described it could really leave no doubt. I mentioned that I had no testosterone because of “parts” that were removed and thus very little, if any, sex drive. I was truthful in that I said it was voluntary and because at the time I believed I wanted to be a woman. Coming out to her wasn’t something I was intending to do, and she is the first person I have ever told outside of relatives, doctors, and this website, but it happened. Fortunately, she is someone I am 99% sure I can trust.

My reason for coming out was because she suggested that I keep trying to date, and I wanted to explain to her why a traditional relationship is not something I have a significant interest in pursuing and why even if I did, it probably would not work. It’s the first time I have told someone in real life about why a relationship is not high on my priorities list, and I suppose it is something I was bound to tell someone sooner or later.

We talked more about what kind of relationship I was interested in pursuing, and I ended up realizing some things about myself that have me very interested in discovering the nature of my sexuality and what I am looking for in a relationship.

We basically came to the conclusion that what I am probably looking for is one of those so-called “platonic” relationships. I want deep emotional intimacy and perhaps some forms of physical intimacy, but I am not particularly interested in sex. This is of course true now because of my eunuch status, but I am now curious as to whether this may have always been the case for me, even before I became a eunuch.

My landlord (who is another person I ended up telling about not wanting a traditional relationship, but not about being a eunuch) suggested that I might be asexual. She didn’t know how right she was, but probably not for the reasons she was thinking. She seemed to be suggesting it was my natural sexual orientation rather than for medical reasons.

My experiences prior to being a eunuch can probably rule this out because I did have sexual feelings back then, and I still do when I resume taking T.

But while I did experience feelings, I never seemed to have a need to act on them, at least not outside of myself. I masturbated much like any other young man (although I did not begin until 16, which seems rather late), but I never showed much interest in traditional sex or even dating. I was never sexually aggressive with girls or women my age, nor did I ever initiate any flirting. I did once have a friend tell a girl that I was physically interested in her, and I told another one myself, but I felt the latter was more platonic.

To be fair, girls/women never showed much interest in me either, and some might argue that this could have somehow contributed to low self-esteem that masked an otherwise traditional interest in sex and dating.

However, the one time that I did go on a date as a teenager (with someone I met online, one of those “desperate” types that I tend to attract), I never pursued any sort of physical intimacy with her. We did hold hands for a brief time, but that was as far as it went. Near the end of the date she was standing there across from me for some time, and it seemed pretty clear she wanted something more to happen, but I never initiated anything.

Some could argue that it was once again low self-esteem/shyness that was the culprit rather than a lack of interest, but I also recall how pornography has never really done anything for me. Almost all men seem to have some degree of interest in it, but even when I had testosterone, it just never really turned me on. A group of guys at school that I sometimes hung out with would stand around looking at pornography-filled magazines, and I would stand off to the side because it wasn’t something I was particularly interested in.

Kissing doesn’t seem to hold any special interest for me either (although to be fair, that could be because of my eunuch status). Traditional sex has rarely been a part of my masturbatory fantasies, even before becoming a eunuch.

I often thought and wrote of an intense longing for a best friend when growing up, but I did not speak much of wanting a girlfriend. Perhaps this suggests that my idea of romantic relationships (I hesitate to use the term “romantic” because my interpretation has always assumed the involvement of sexual attraction, but recent research I have conducted suggests this is not necessarily so) is more platonic than sexual. Certainly now as a eunuch I would almost certainly prefer a platonic relationship to its sexual counterpart. I do enjoy hugs, hand-holding, and perhaps cuddling a great deal, but I don’t have a need for much more physical intimacy. Even no physical contact could probably be acceptable provided there was a strong emotional bond.

Can I find this kind of relationship? Are there people (I imagine that gender would not matter in a true platonic relationship, although I always imagined that best friend would be female) looking for such a relationship? The co-worker/friend said the woman I dated would probably not accept my eunuch status and would be looking for a more traditional relationship but also said that platonic relationships and even marriages are not out of the question. My landlord mentioned that apparently there are websites designed to find partners who are looking for the kind of relationship I imagine (although one I looked at involves giving a description of various physical features, which doesn’t make sense to me if the relationship is platonic), so perhaps I should give it a try.

[plix (imported)]

I have been thinking (certainly the inspiration behind most of these posts), and I have realized that perhaps I was unfair in my earlier criticisms of the academic world. The acquisition of knowledge is a beautiful endeavor that I may have attacked too hastily with disregard for the proper reasons for my disdain. It may not be so much that I do not see value in academic pursuits and perhaps even the mandatory tasks that accompany the institutionalized version of such as that I simply lost my personal motivation to succeed academically.

I have mentioned previously that motivation has been a struggle for me for many years, and the question of why is something that has haunted me just as long. Signs that would tend to predict academic excellence were present from my early childhood. I (supposedly) began reading at age 2. There were times when I completed my work in either an advanced class or in an advanced group ahead of the rest of the class. An examination of memorabilia from my childhood reveals that I earned numerous awards for academic performance in both elementary and middle school, including a special award that offered the privilege of wearing a gold cord during middle school graduation for making principal's honor roll every term for three years. My standardized test scores placed me in the 90th+ percentile in many categories, including some as high as the 99th percentile. My grades throughout most of elementary school (minu

s during the peak of my negative home life

in third grade) were superb, and that was generally true during middle school as well.

Various remarks and actions from my teachers also suggested that I had significant academic potential. My fourth grade teacher noted on my report card: "Plix is obviously extremely strong intellectually." As I mentioned, one of my second grade teachers pulled the necessary strings to place me in a gifted class despite my not scoring above the cutoff on the test because he felt it was were I belonged.

My middle school teachers wrote the following in my yearbooks:

"You are a fantastic student."

"Keep up the good work."

"Keep following your goals - you will be successful."

"You have a great mind and are a strong problem solver. You can be whatever you want to be. Your future is very bright."

"I have no doubt you will be a great success in high school and beyond."

My fellow students seemed to recognize my academic potential as well:

"You're smart."

"Don't change your work habits. You gonna be real successful one day."

"Congratulations on your good work and awards."

It is clear I showed a great deal of promise academically. Given this history, one might suppose I went on to attend a top-ranked college and am now in the middle of a lucrative career. However, somewhere along the way, something went wrong, and my performance fizzled. To this day, I have not figured out exactly what happened. I suppose it was not an instantaneous occurrence. It was more of a gradual loss of interest in excelling academically the way I did during my younger years. My grades, while overall likely still considered "good," slipped in high school. Instead of the 4.0 average I carried in elementary school and the nearly 4.0 average I carried in middle school, I graduated from high school with a 3.4 GPA. That it was this high is surprising giving the lack of effort I put into my work. I did not complete the infamous senior project in my senior English class, which I was apparently misleadingly informed was required for graduation. I just did not care enough to do it. I earned a B- in the class as a result, with which I was content. I also did not complete the final project in my art history class. I can still recall the gasps of my fellow students when they heard the "smart guy" tell the teacher "I didn't do it." I correctly calculated that not submitting the project would drop me to a B- in the class, and I was again content with this grade.

What may seem like nothing more than a typical case of "senioritis" was also present in earlier years. It started during my freshman year when, for the first time in my academic career, I earned a "D" on a final report card. Because of fears that it would not count toward prerequisite requirements for college admission, I later retook the course and earned an "A," which suggests what I am capable of when I really want to achieve it. I also earned multiple "Cs." Progress reports in high school consistently warned that I "may receive a grade below potential." This is almost certainly a form response issued to all students who may earn a low grade, but in my case it was perhaps a bit more true.

I began high school having qualified for honors classes due to my middle school performance, but after my sophomore year I decided I wanted something easier and abandoned these classes for standard classes. I think this, along with my willingness to "settle" for "Bs" instead of the "As" of my younger years, is perhaps indicative of what the problem was. I no longer cared about superior academic performance. I was content with being average, with just doing well enough to scrape by rather than excelling.

This attitude carried over into college. While in my early high school years I dreamed of attending highly-ranked schools, perhaps even an Ivy League school (despite my disadvantageous and perhaps prohibitive socioeconomic background), I later realized this would not be an option due to my academic performance in high school. However, I was content with knowing I would attend a lower-ranked state school. I did apply to one of the more prestigious "UC" schools (and this was the most prestigious school I applied to) but was rejected. The only "UC" school I was accepted to is probably at the bottom of the list. I ended up deciding to attend a "CSU" school, which, according to my understanding, are "lower" than the "UC" schools. Geographical considerations did play a role in deciding to attend this school over the "UC" school I was accepted to, but I think that I also thought the school I selected would be easier, and I wanted to just get by rather than excel. My grades in college reflected that attitude, and I graduated with a slightly lower 3.2 GPA.

There were some positives in both high school and college, which seemingly suggest that I did not lose sight of my goals entirely despite my lack of motivation to achieve them. I performed so well in my United States history course that my teacher had to discard my grade from the curve he used to prevent everyone else from failing. In my physiology class, I tied the highest ever score on the final examination and had this acknowledged before the class. I started college with the decision to major in philosophy and later pursue a doctorate and perhaps an academic career. Eventually, I lost the motivation that excited me when I first developed this goal. In one of the last philosophy courses I took, there was a two-question essay examination. I earned a nearly perfect score on the first question but failed the test because I omitted an answer to the second question entirely. I simply did not care enough.

It seems to me that the nature of the problem has been established. As I matured, I no longer cared about good academic performance. I was content with just passing my classes, getting my degree that would supposedly make me more money (it seems that the pursuit of money is more important than the pursuit of knowledge among modern college students), and figuring out what to do with my life from there. But how could that happen to someone who showed so much promise, someone whose fellow students and teachers were so certain would be a success one day? That is what continues to perplex me.

The problem was not the inability to do well with academic work but the lack of motivation to give it my best effort. This lack of motivation, however, is not restricted solely to academics, and it continues into the present day. I am great at developing goals, but my ability to find the motivation to actually work toward them is lackluster. There are so many things I would like to do someday. I would like to become a published writer, I would like to walk across the country, I would like to learn to play a musical instrument, and so much more. Will I ever achieve any of these? Unless my motivation improves, it seems unlikely.

Where did it all begin? As we all know, my childhood was far from ideal, and my parents far from perfect. Could this be to blame? My parents, like most American parents, insisted that I receive good grades in school, but that was the extent of their nurturing me intellectually. Neither my parents nor my grandparents are particularly well-educated, and they do not, to the best of my knowledge, embark on pursuits that would be considered intellectual or academic in nature. It is interesting to think about what might have been had I grown up in a family that did value education and the nurture of the intellect more than mine did.

Yet, despite my early home not being particularly intellectual, I somehow managed to thrive in school. Does this suggest that the ability to perform academically is inborn and not influenced by environment? Or perhaps that any environmental influences that are present are limited in effectiveness according to one's innate tendencies?

There is also the question of how my negative home experiences may have influenced my loss of motivation to excel in later years. I am not particularly fond of the "chemical imbalance" theory of depression, but perhaps as low motivation is often said to be a symptom of depression, my life circumstances (rather than a chemical imbalance) contributed to a form of depression that left me without the motivation to succeed. If this is true, is the lack of motivation reversible, and if so, how would I reverse it (other than through medication, of course)?

The other clinical explanation for my low motivation could be a schizophrenic disorder, as low motivation is said to be a "negative" symptom of disorders on this spectrum. Indeed, one therapist from my past diagnosed me with a schizophrenic spectrum disorder (I am fairly certain that she, like all the other therapists I have seen, did not consider an autistic spectrum disorder as a diagnosis). The DSM, however, seems to imply that schizophrenic spectrum disorders and autistic spectrum disorders are mutually exclusive. If you are diagnosed with one, you cannot have the other. However, I will admit that I do seem to display symptoms related to both. An autistic spectrum disorder would not explain the paranoia and unusual thinking, but a schizophrenic spectrum disorder would not explain the repetitive, stereotyped movements (to borrow from the DSM).

Recent research has led me to discover there is apparently a rare disorder known as "schizotypal autism," and this disorder does allow for the presence of both autistic and schizophrenic symptoms. Perhaps this is the correct diagnosis for me. In any case, if the low motivation is indeed due to something schizophrenic in nature rather than depressive, my understanding (at least the last time I looked into it, which admittedly was some time ago) is that there is no treatment for the "negative" symptoms of schizophrenic disorders. That could spell bad news for me and my future. However, given my inner strength and optimistic nature, I simply cannot accept there is no hope and have to believe there is a way to overcome this lack of motivation, whatever the cause.

It is frustrating now to look back on my academic performance and realize how much better I could have done. It does seem that I squandered a great deal of potential and fell short of what I was supposed to accomplish. I have no doubt that had I wanted to, I could have earned a much higher GPA in both high school and college. Indeed, my last semester of college, in perhaps a reversal of the "senioritis" that is common in high school, saw me decide to apply some effort and earn all "As" that term. Better academic performance would have probably led me to a more successful, at least financially, life. While I can dream about what might have been had I not lost my motivation, it is of course too late to do anything about my poor academic performance. The grades are on my transcripts, and they cannot be erased. So the question becomes what can I do now to reverse course and start achieving my goals?

[plix (imported)]

It's been a while since I've posted! I'm not sure how much interest there is in this blog, but just in case there is some, I thought I'd go ahead and give an update.

Hormonally speaking, I still haven't managed to stick with one course of action. I started taking T again in 2015 and took it on and off until fall of that year when I took it until March of this year. From March 2017 until about a week ago, I took no HRT.

I recently began taking 50 mg of DHEA daily. If you don't consider DHEA to be a form of HRT, then I am still not taking any hormones. I did this because I remain concerned about the effects of being on nothing over the long-term. I'm hoping for more energy, stronger cognitive abilities, and less depression. Perhaps now that I am older, I notice all of those things more when I am taking nothing (although to be fair, my mood has recently stabilized - the depression could have just been the result of crashing hormone levels).

I have considered resuming taking T, and I've also thought about taking E again. T seems to be the most logical choice given that I am male, but whether it is a good idea is another matter. I was certainly reminded of the reason I stopped taking T as well as other issues the last time I took it. But my levels were quite high, even on just one pump of gel. I suspect this is because my skin has become so thin over the years from not being exposed to T, certainly much thinner than the average male's skin.

Is it possible that if I had more proper T levels, I wouldn't notice those issues as much? It's difficult, of course, to find a doctor competent enough in the administration of T to really know what he is doing and be capable of getting me on a proper regimen.

Would I be happy if I started taking E again? I suspect I would be, despite the fact that I identify as male, but there are social consequences of doing so that would leave me hesitant to make that decision.

Of course, when it comes to DHEA, my understanding is that it can go either way, so I may end up with more T or E in my system. I will be monitoring to try to determine which hormone I may be getting more of.

As far as other areas of life? I'm still working the job that I absolutely love. Indeed, it's my dream job, and I expect I will be doing it until I retire. Fortunately, I've discovered various types of freelance work that should make working this job more financially feasible.

I recently embarked on a couple of adventures that were challenging but fulfilling. One of them was last summer, and this was probably the more fulfilling of the two, perhaps because I actually finished that one. The more recent one was earlier this year, and I ended up having to give it up sooner than I intended.

I also started a project related to the hobby I mentioned in post #120. That hobby has become a big part of my life. So far the project is going pretty well despite a few bumps in the road.

I'd like to think that I am older and wiser than I was those 12 years ago when I first came to this site, and perhaps in some ways I am, but there are also things that never change. I still have great difficulty with sticking on one path for any real length of time, whether it comes to hormones or just about anything else in life. I suspect that rather than being an age-related issue, this is an ingrained personality trait that will be with me for a long time to come.

One of the ways in which I am quite whimsical is in choosing a place to live. Perhaps that is what led to my ill-fated adventure earlier this year. But the fact that I am once again settled in one place doesn't mean I am content with that. Choosing between the big city and the little city was no easy task. The project that I began, however, is headqaurtered in the little city, and since it is important to me to see that project through, the little city is where I am living. A thirst for the big city remains inside of me though. But the thing is, if I were living in the big city, I'd have that same thirst for where I'm living now!

I've discovered some things about myself over these last few years that have led to a better understanding of my sexuality and what kind of relationship it is that I seem to be looking for. I'm not as naive as I used to be about my motivations for doing the things I do. I strongly believe that those motivations are genuine, but I'm no longer naive enough to believe they are my only motivations.

Love is a wonderful thing. When you love someone, you care deeply about her well-being and are willing to sacrifice your own needs and desires to meet those of the recipient of your love. But it isn't entirely selfless. That person makes you happy beyond anything you have ever experienced before. You feel a strange yet pleasant tug in your heart whenever you think of that person. You also experience a whirlwind of warm and fuzzy emotions in your mind whenever you hear her name. Your life seems emptier somehow when that person is not around.

Indeed, I think it was that realization that led me to realize I love her. Some time ago, I entertained the possibility of moving back to my home state. But I realized that if I did, something would be missing there despite how bright and sunny that state is, and that something would be her. My home state would somehow be a darker, emptier place because she wasn't there. That's when I knew.

Love is also a painful thing. I haven't seen her in over a year, and chances are I'll never see her again. Maybe someday I won't love her anymore. Maybe I'm already headed in that direction. But for now, I still experience a great deal of pain over this situation. I still miss her so much, and I'd still give anything to see her just one more time.

But maybe it's for the best that I probably won't see her again. People change. There's no guarantee I'd feel anything for her anymore, and there's certainly no guarantee she misses me or feels anything for me.

Despite all the pain, though, I'm so glad I had the opportunity to experience love. It's one of the best feelings a person can ever have.

[tugon (imported)]

Love is a wonderful thing. When you love someone, you care deeply about her well-being and are willing to sacrifice your own needs and desires to meet those of the recipient of your love. But it isn't entirely selfless. That person makes you happy beyond anything you have ever experienced before. You feel a strange yet pleasant tug in your heart whenever you think of that person. You also experience a whirlwind of warm and fuzzy emotions in your mind whenever you hear her name. Your life seems emptier somehow when that person is not around.

Indeed, I think it was that realization that led me to realize I love her. Some time ago, I entertained the possibility of moving back to my home state. But I realized that if I did, something would be missing there despite how bright and sunny that state is, and that something would be her. My home state would somehow be a darker, emptier place because she wasn't there. That's when I knew.

Love is also a painful thing. I haven't seen her in over a year, and chances are I'll never see her again. Maybe someday I won't love her anymore. Maybe I'm already headed in that direction. But for now, I still experience a great deal of pain over this situation. I still miss her so much, and I'd still give anything to see her just one more time.

I am glad for you that you had the opportunities to feel those emotions. If they were your first please remember the will not be your last.

[Begoneboy (imported)]

Plix: don't dis-pare. At almost 60 I consider it a privilege That I had found what I consider love twice during my lifetime.

Far different than lust which becoming completely nullo pretty much eliminated. Lust can be a fun but dangerous thing

while love can be a absolutely wonderful thing. If I've found love twice there is no reason why it cannot be so for anybody else.

Still in love with both. The first one fell out of love with me if she ever had it. Due to the desire to be nullo no doubt. But the

second love has endured over 20 years and continues to be that all inclusive satisfying experience for both of us. This time around

it is with a him rather than a her. So it can be either or both since love is in the heart and mind rather than physical relationships.

Hang in there and let life happen.

[plix (imported)]

tugon and Begonebo

y: Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences!

Yes, I do suspect love will happen to me again eventually.

My experience with DHEA so far has been a mixed bag. The first few days I took it, I noticed a substantial improvement in the aches and pains I regularly experience when going for my daily walk on a local bike path. I walk somewhere between 5.5 and 6 miles each day, and I definitely feel it in my shoulders and upper back by the time it is over. While those aches and pains seemed diminished the first few days taking DHEA, they have recently returned, so I'm not sure if the DHEA is having any effects in that department. I also felt more energized during the walks on those first few days, but I seem to have lost that as well.

What I am noticing is tender and puffy nipples. Sometimes they can actually be quite painful.

During the first few days of DHEA, I noticed what I thought might be a slight uptick in libido and functionality. That has since disappeared.

While out doing some shopping a couple days ago, I experienced some attraction to the male employee who was helping me. That hasn't happened in a long time! When it does, it's definitely very different from what I experience through my male libido.

Recently, during having lunch with a friend at a local Olive Garden (a place which I've come to love, by the way - their salad is amazing! ), I was telling him a story when I suddenly started laughing so hard that I came to the point of tears, and I couldn't stop. It was noticeable enough for people at neighboring tables to be staring at me.

Also recently, while shopping for a new bed, the gentleman who was helping me asked me for my name. A young girl who seemed to be his daughter was with him, and after I gave my name, she said to me, "I have a cousin named plix!" I told her that was pretty cool, and she looked at me and smiled a big smile. I smiled a big smile back at her, and I think it was the first genuine smile I've smiled in a long time. We of course smile for other reasons, such as when we pose for a picture, but this smile was different. I felt a surge of tenderness and compassion after she said that, and the smile just came naturally.

So what seems to be going on? Without blood tests, it's difficult to be sure of course, but my guess is that maybe the DHEA started to convert to T, hence the greater energy and slight libido/function improvement, but that I'm now at least getting some E in the picture as well, hence the tender/puffy nipples, the emotional experiences, the greater compassion, and being attracted to a man in a way that is different from male libido.

After thinking this over and reflecting on past experiences, I basically had a major epiphany: male though I almost certainly am, I am a much better person when taking E compared to taking T. On T, I am shy, quiet, and reserved. My affect is incredibly flat. I am very soft-spoken. But on E, things are different. I am more outgoing, and my affect is practically the exact opposite. I experience emotions. I laugh and cry more. I am just an overall better person.

The reasons I stopped taking E in the past had little to do with disliking the actual effects of E and more to do with secondary consequences of those effects. There are basically at least one of three reasons why I stopped taking E all the past times I took it:

- I realized I was male and that E was therefore not right for me

- I was

concerned about the social consequences of t

he physical effects of E

- I wanted to have the option of attracting a partner somewhere down the line and realized that being on T would make that much more likely

Notice that not liking the effects of E appears nowhere on that list. Even in the case of the first reason, it was that I felt E in general was not right for a male to take rather than not liking the actual effects of E.

I remain very

concerned about the social consequences of

being on E, which mostly come from the physical effects. I'll always be able to pass as male due to my extremely masculine facial structure and half-bald head, so I don't have to worry about that at least, but somewhere down the line I'd probably start looking pretty strange for a guy. Especially given my job, that could create some difficulties. I'm also involved in the community as well, both at my church and through the hobby-related project I've mentioned. Looking like a feminized male could create some issues with all of those things.

But while the physical effects of E could certainly be undesirable for those reasons, what if the mental and emotional effects actually improved my life? What if I became more outgoing at my job and in my community involvements? What if I developed more patience and compassion? As a whole, I might actually become more likable, even if I look a bit strange.

Admittedly, I think it's more the mental and emotional effects of E than the physical effects that interest me. I don't have any strong desire to feminize physically, even if I do sometimes like what E does for my skin. If there was something I could take that would enable me to look like a man (minus the body hair - that's one masculine trait I do hate) but have the mental and emotional effects of E, I'd be all over it!

Another thing to consider is that I am older now, so E probably won't have the dramatic physical effects it did the first time I took it.

So how far have I taken this taking E again thing? I recently contacted a clinic in the big city to set up an appointment with a doctor. They say they recognize "non-binary" people, so presumably they wouldn't require me to have plans to transition in order to prescribe E. But I haven't heard back from them, so I'm thinking unfortunately I may need to go the self-medicating route again. That route is more expensive (assuming I don't have to pay for a doctor visit or blood work out of pocket), but it is simpler and requires no one's permission. The eventual goal would still be to find a doctor, but I may have to start out on my own.

But all of that is if I even decide to take E at all. The big question is should I be taking it? But I'm not afraid that I would hate the effects. What actually scares me more is that I would like taking E a little too much. Do I like the "me" on E? Of course I do! I love what it does for me. I love having feelings and having an affect that isn't flat. I love being more outgoing.

What I of course have to recognize is that this is most likely nothing more than just another one of my flip flops. Those are of course quite common for me, and in just a short while I'll probably want to go back on T again. Just like before, I'll decide I want to have the chance of attracting a female someday, and I'll realize that being on E pretty much kills any chance of that happening.

More than likely, this is just what I am thinking of as my next adventure after making the decision that I need to let go of the person I love and not chase her anymore. I always seem to need some kind of adventure in my life to infuse it with meaning and passion.

Why would I ever need a therapist when I can figure out these things on my own?

[Begoneboy (imported)]

tugon and Begoneboy:

Why would I ever need a therapist when I can figure out these things on my own?

Plix: Now after reading your remarks I find myself fascinated at your name. Didn't realize it was an actual name out there.

At any rate, you have a great question in why ever need a therapist? You don't! I have a very low opinion of the therapist type.

Mainly because I think they derive some morbid pleasure out of the suffering of others. The task of therapy is nothing more than

to help a person to be able to understand and ask themselves their own questions. It is not the task of therapy to answer those

questions because that would actually be effecting their own opinion onto another. But to help another to be able to ask their own

questions. You have done that. The next step is in the answering of your questions. Since those questions are for and about yourself

you are the only one who can provide those answers. You've already provided yourself with answers to your questions and what you

consider as solutions. Solutions by and for yourself.

You seem to have arrived to your solution of wanting a small certain amount of E and perhaps of T. You can have both one or the other

or neither. If uncut your body produces plenty of T. If cut it still produces some level of T although perhaps not enough for your desired

results. THe same with E. Your body cut or not as a male produces some E. You seem to indicate that you believe you don't have enough

E. Well the good news is that you don't need to jump through hoops to have E. And you can control how much you take.

Just by bio-identical E cream and put a little on your skin and observe. You will know when it's too much and cut down. Enjoy the results

to your desire. Not rocket science this stuff. Search ebay for estriol and you'll be set.

[plix (imported)]

Begoneboy: Plix isn't my actual name - I promise! I have to admit that I'm not a particularly big therapist fan myself. With me though it's probably more because I tend to think they think lesser of those who are "mentally ill" and very likely don't care about those they work with personally but only view them as patients or clients. I also think that sometimes therapy is thought of as a sort of god and that people tend to think that all of your problems can be magically solved if you just visit a therapist. Ideally, I think I would like to be able to switch between T and E at will - have both on hand and be able to take one or the other on any given day depending how I feel. But I'm sure that would be quite confusing for my body! It might even cause me to implode or something! I've already placed an order from my usual source for E pills. They should be arriving in about a week or so. I also did finally hear back from the clinic and have an appointment scheduled with them for Monday the 24th. Should be exciting!

I'm pretty sure that this DHEA is converting more to E than T. Libido and functioning are pretty much non-existent now, and nipples remain puffy and tender. Also, I was wandering through the mall the other day when something unexpected happened. I walked through the women's clothing section of a store when what I saw flooded my senses and made me teary-eyed as I realized how beautiful those clothes were and how I might enjoy wearing some of them. Women are so lucky with the selection of clothes they have available and the colors they get to wear! I imagine that at that moment, I didn't feel much different from my 3-year-old self who pointed out a girl's shirt that I wanted to my grandmother.

Also, my sense of smell has just been incredible lately! When not on T, my sense of smell is slightly improved but definitely not to the extent that it is when on E. When inside a local store yesterday, I was just overwhelmed with all the delightful scents I noticed. I thought to myself as I went down one aisle, "Are you serious? This is what women smell all the time? This is what I've been missing out on?" It was awesome!

Gender has been on my mind a lot lately. I can't help but notice the differences between men and women whenever I am out somewhere, both in how they look and how they act. Most of us are assigned one of two genders at birth, and there is so much in life that is influenced by what gender we are assigned! We are expected to live and behave completely in accordance with this gender we are supposed to be because we were born that way. Isn't it weird?

Of course, I've also been thinking about my own gender identity again, and whether I might be something other than 100% male. But I'm just not sure what to think.

So what if

my ring and index fingers are the same length?

So what if I preferred playing with girls growing up?

So what if I sometimes played with or wanted girls' toys and other items?

So what if I told my grandmother when I was very young that I thought jewelry was pretty and wanted a girl's shirt?

So what if I read or wanted to read books meant for girls?

So what if I always write fiction from a female viewpoint?

So what if I am sometimes attracted to men when taking E?

None of those things, or even all of them combined, make me something other than male, let alone female.

I never once thought as a child that I was a girl or wanted to be a girl. I never had any discomfort with changes to my body during puberty. I had a male libido that was direct

ed toward females. I went back on T

because I wanted the chance of attracting a female partner. I loved a female as a man.

So of course I'm male! Right?

I have to admit that I'm getting more than just a little scared. E is a powerful chemical that seems to be capable of causing substantial changes in one's wiring. What's it going to do to me, especially if I start taking the real thing instead of just DHEA?

[JesusA (imported)]

I passed on Post #128 above to my colleague who is a neuroanatomist. He responded that DHEA is functioning as an estrogen analog, so the changes being experienced are very real and are the ones to be expected from it. His major question, for reasons of long-term health, is whether or not some intense exercise, enough to work up a sweat, is also included together with the long walks. He also suggested reading his article Prostate Cancer, Gonadal Hormones, and My Brain for more information. I will send a PDF copy of it to anyone who provides (in a Private Message) an email address that will accept attachments.

[Begoneboy (imported)]

Plix: I didn't mean to presume that was your actual name. I was simply intrigued of the name. To be sure, my mind runs on a different planet than this one. I do enjoy a great conversation and find intrigue (in any topic) to be fascinating in a way that I like to play with it. Which was probably a large part of the reason that I studied electrical engineering during my youth. I was always fascinated by the intrigue of why things should be and at the same time nobody had yet made it so. Hence my past career in research and development. Much like how a dog worries over a bone until there is no more pleasure or mystery in the flavor of it. Once that bone was used up and no more flavor to be enjoyed it became discarded or left for others.

All of the "so what if I/my" perhaps shows a great amount of discretion. It is OK to be a little scared of what we don't understand. Fear is a healthy thing in our lives because it causes us to look further into the topic in order to better understand it. Keep looking in order to remove any fear and you'll do just fine.