Taking the Plunge.....Again

[tugon (imported)]

I have been reading and rereading your post. "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Yes I needed the help of Dr. Seuss to respond to your post. What you may perceive as flaws some of us see as attributes. Feminine no but kind and gentle yes. I am sure children are very comfortable with you and that is why you are a success in your profession.

Instead of worrying about where you fit enjoy fitting in everywhere. I was ready to be a eunuch when castrated at 41 and even though you thought you wanted to transition to feminine you may grow into the eunuch role in time. You may have just put the cart before the horse. I always respected you for not living with regrets. Yes you are still questioning but not regretful.

I know it will be a time before you can relax and enjoy yourself but trust me it does come. In the meantime enjoy your gender whims. If you are feeling masculine celebrate that and as a eunuch enjoy watching men and women from that in the middle perspective or feminine take a bubble bath or like I wrap a feminine scarf around my neck and take my dog for a walk.

We are living our lives and this is not dress rehearsal.

[plix (imported)]

First-hand, I know only how T or no T changes me. I have never experimented with herbals, but understand that they are not expected to be as powerful as prescription meds from the doc. So do I think your identity will shift more? Probably with real E. Is it a good thing? Only you can decide after a trial.

That's one of the things that really scares me. What if I start to feel too feminine after taking E? Would that be a good thing? I just don't know. And the possibility of it being a good thing is also something that scares me. What if I like the effects of E a little too much? The other big fear is that I will experience feminization that becomes too noticeable at work,

but I'm hoping just taking a low dose would prevent that.

I have been reading and rereading your post. "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Yes I needed the help of Dr. Seuss to respond to your post. What you may perceive as flaws some of us see as attributes. Feminine no but kind and gentle yes. I am sure children are very comfortable with you and that is why you are a success in your profession.

Instead of worrying about where you fit enjoy fitting in everywhere. I was ready to be a eunuch when castrated at 41 and even though you thought you wanted to transition to feminine you may grow into the eunuch role in time. You may have just put the cart before the horse. I always respected you for not living with regrets. Yes you are still questioning but not regretful.

I know it will be a time before you can relax and enjoy yourself but trust me it does come. In the meantime enjoy your gender whims. If you are feeling masculine celebrate that and as a eunuch enjoy watching men and women from that in the middle perspective or feminine take a bubble bath or like I wrap a feminine scarf around my neck and take my dog for a wal

k.

We are living our lives and this is not dress rehearsal.

Thanks so much for offering some advice!

Someone else recently told me that I am way more feminine than the average straight guy. I guess a lot of it really depends on how you define "feminine." A lot of people would consider "gentle" to be a "feminine" trait. But maybe there is a difference between the two. I wonder, what do you think the difference between "gentle" and "feminine" is?

In any case, I really don't see myself as being female, but I am recognizing that I have a strong feminine side (at least it seems "feminine" to me), and I am becoming more open-minded to the possibility that I may not be 100% male. Like you said, I can probably fit in in a lot of different places, and for the time being I don't intend to apply just one label to myself.

I'm not sure how familiar everyone is with Myers-Briggs personality theory, but it something I am pretty interested in, and this interest is supposed to be common for people with my type. There are other models of personality theory out there that some say are better, but I never understood myself until I came across this one, so I absolutely love it! Basically there are 16 different personality types, and each type has a four-letter name. My type comes out as INFP. This is supposed to be a really feminine type. One website describes INFP as "most definitely a female type." It is consistently rated among the most feminine types when people talk about this sort of thing. So I've also been wondering if maybe this explains it. Maybe I'm just a man who has been cursed with having a female personality type. My being INFP could explain the connection to the feminine side of things. But if that's true, then I've also been thinking that maybe there is something like a woman inside of me. I still wouldn't actually be a woman, but if I have a female personality type, then there would be something "womanlike" inside of me. I can't explain it exactly, but it makes sense to me, anyway. For some reason that made me pretty happy to think about.

I also wonder if maybe INFPs would be more OK with castration and maybe even taking E than other guys would be. Most guys would freak out over that sort of thing, but maybe INFPs could tolerate it. I know in my case I haven't really regretted my surgery, at least not for any extended period of time. Of course it doesn't seem like most INFP males are going out and having their balls cut off or are taking E, so maybe it is just weirdness that is specific to me!

Looking back, it does seem like I function better on hormones than I do without. Since I love being without T, E is my only other option. Man or woman or something else, I think a case could be made that taking E would not be a bad thing if it helps me get rid of the problems that castration causes for me.

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

The considering of the place, on the M - F scale seems to be causing anguish. I rather think Tugon has it right; you are you -right now. It may be that it turns out to be rather more to the M or the F, but as an E, one has the luxury of enjoying them all without actually owning either identity. While I know that T has a profound effect on how I see the world, so does much other happenstance. Maybe it's another advantage of the eunuch state, but I don't get upset or troubled by it; there's actually more to enjoy.

There's another question in the post, how others, particularly at work perceive one. Some folks are sufficiently hard-boiled that it doesn't matter, but most I think are more sensitive. So, I suspect that the situation really comes down to taking E makes you feel good, but known consequences would in some measure cause unwelcome comment at work. So often, our personal preferences must be balanced with our place in the world. I wish I could help more, but I cannot know how it feels for you to be on E, or your circumstance at work. If the question is important enough to you, you need to find your own answer, though friends can always lend support and even maybe some help?

[tugon (imported)]

Someone else recently told me that I am way more feminine than the average straight guy. I guess a lot of it really depends on how you define "feminine." A lot of people would consider "gentle" to be a "feminine" trait. But maybe there is a difference between the two. I wonder, what do you think the difference between "gentle" and "feminine" is?

I also wonder if maybe INFPs would be more OK with castration and maybe even taking E than other guys would be. Most guys would freak out over that sort of thing, but maybe INFPs could tolerate it. I know in my case I haven't really regretted my surgery, at least not for any extended period of time. Of course it doesn't seem like most INFP males are going out and having their balls cut off or are taking E, so maybe it is just weirdness that is specific to me!

Looking back, it does seem like I function better on hormones than I do without. Since I love being without T, E is my only other option. Man or woman or something else, I think a case could be made that taking E would not be a bad thing if it helps me get rid of the problems that castration causes for me.

How to define gentle? How to define feminine? Your movements and how you carry yourself seemed male. Your shyness and interaction with others seemed gentle. Remember how much my dog liked you? Dogs are a good judge of character and Corky took to you right away. He did not perceive you as an aggressive being. Someone with too much T would be off putting to him.

I think sometimes you send out mixed messages. Even though I had never perceived you as gay you had said you were. When you confided you were straight I had to erase old knowledge to accept this new information. I think when you finally accept yourself as you are in anyway that may be it will be easier for others to accept you. I remember a time, after all my struggles to find myself, a friend said to me that I was so comfortable in my own skin. This was said with a little envy and I did not want to get into how hard fought it was to get to that point.

I think becoming comfortable with yourself is also a product of aging. You reach a point where you accept yourself and are comfortable with who you are. Much of what you are feeling and struggling with many people without our issues also struggle with in life. I will be 58 this Spring and many of the things I struggled with when I was your age are no longer an issue. You will find yourself the least bit concerned about what someone may think of you.

Instead of trying to find out where you should be enjoy where you are. Sit and look within yourself and figure out what you like about you. Do not think about what you may not have. What you may not have may come in time. Learn yourself in the minute and not from past experiences or future dreams. Your wants may come and your past cannot be changed.

[plix (imported)]

The considering of the place, on the M - F scale seems to be causing anguish. I rather think Tugon has it right; you are you -right now. It may be that it turns out to be rather more to the M or the F, but as an E, one has the luxury of enjoying them all without actually owning either identity. While I know that T has a profound effect on how I see the world, so does much other happenstance. Maybe it's another advantage of the eunuch state, but I don't get upset or troubled by it; there's actually more to enjoy.

There's another question in the post, how others, particularly at work perceive one. Some folks are sufficiently hard-boiled that it doesn't matter, but most I think are more sensitive. So, I suspect that the situation really comes down to taking E makes you feel good, but known consequences would in some measure cause unwelcome comment at work. So often, our personal preferences must be balanced with our place in the world. I wish I could help more, but I cannot know how it feels for you to be on E, or your circumstance at work. If the question is important enough to you, you need to find your own answer, though friends can always lend support and even maybe some help?

Well, something that is unique to my job is that I have the ability to work at a difference place every day. I have worked at the same place for most of the last couple of years, but I could be working somewhere different on a daily basis if I really wanted to. I've been thinking about which situation would be worse. I could work at the same place, but people there might notice that something has changed about me. I could work at different places, but I will encounter strangers on a daily basis, and they might think I look a bit strange for a guy. I guess each prob

ably has its pros and cons

Thanks for your support!

How to define gentle? How to define feminine? Your movements and how you carry yourself seemed male. Your shyness and interaction with others seemed gentle. Remember how much my dog liked you? Dogs are a good judge of character and Corky took to you right away. He did not perceive you as an aggressive being. Someone with too much T would be off putting to him.

I think sometimes you send out mixed messages. Even though I had never perceived you as gay you had said you were. When you confided you were straight I had to erase old knowledge to accept this new information. I think when you finally accept yourself as you are in anyway that may be it will be easier for others to accept you. I remember a time, after all my struggles to find myself, a friend said to me that I was so comfortable in my own skin. This was said with a little envy and I did not want to get into how hard fought it was to get to that point.

I think becoming comfortable with yourself is also a product of aging. You reach a point where you accept yourself and are comfortable with who you are. Much of what you are feeling and struggling with many people without our issues also struggle with in life. I will be 58 this Spring and many of the things I struggled with when I was your age are no longer an issue. You will find yourself the least bit concerned about what someone may think of you.

Instead of trying to find out where you should be enjoy where you are. Sit and look within yourself and figure out what you like about you. Do not think about what you may not have. What you may not have may come in time. Learn yourself in the minute and not from past experiences or future

dreams. Your wants may come and your past cannot be changed.

It seems to me that we are probably defining feminine a bit differently. Nothing wrong with that though I'm thinking more in terms of traits rather than how I move or carry myself. Since I was socialized male, I would expect my way of doing those things to be male. And certainly my flat affect has the tendency to come across as male. It projects that "rugged, stoic male" image that society often associates with men. A friend of mine in high school once called me her "most unemotional" friend. Ha! She has no idea what emotions I have felt on the inside

I do think that I am probably male, just one who has had the misfortune of being born with a female personality type. I've known about Myers-Briggs and being INFP for years, but I only discovered recently that it is considered a "female" personality type. I can't accept that I am a 100% normal male and could still have such a strong identification with the feminine, but thinking of myself as a man with a female personality type has brought me a lot of peace for now

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts

[daifu-orchid (imported)]

Emotion is not a bad thing, just an excess of it can get in the way of life rather than enhance it.

Seems from the safety of ignorance at a great distance, that taking E matches your personality, makes you feel good, but you're worried about work. If as you say, the work involves interacting with many people, a little heightening of the affect with E might even help? So, my 2 cents worth is to go with the E and enjoy how you feel and the benefit to work too. (What's a little A-cup between friends anyway! Probably most wouldn't even notice?)

[tugon (imported)]

I do think that I am probably male, just one who has had the misfortune of being born with a female personality type. I've known about Myers-Briggs and being INFP for years, but I only discovered recently that it is considered a "female" personality type. I can't accept that I am a 100% normal male and could still have such a strong identification with the feminine, but thinking of myself as a man with a female personality type has brought me a lot of peace for now

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts

A psychologist friend of mine wanted me to take the Myers-Briggs personality test and after reading what you have learned about it I wished I had. Again for me is it nature or nurture because I have always more closely related to feminine emotions. I was also more attracted to straight men than to gay men. Was it the lack of a male role model and the influence from my mother and older sister or something with which I was born? Of course it may be that part of your brain did masculinize and part feminized. I read about the troubles feminine straight men had meeting women because it was easily assumed they were gay. Some folks' brains do not agree with their bodies and it may be that parts of your brain do not agree with other parts. Wow that does not sound like much help.

You mentioned your flat affect and so much of what I write is supposition due to not having a clear understanding of who you are.

[plix (imported)]

Emotion is not a bad thing, just an excess of it can get in the way of life rather than enhance it.

Seems from the safety of ignorance at a great distance, that taking E matches your personality, makes you feel good, but you're worried about work. If as you say, the work involves interacting with many people, a little heightening of the affect with E might even help? So, my 2 cents worth is to go with the E and enjoy how you feel and the benefit to work too. (What's a little A-cup between friends anyway! Probably most wouldn't even notice?)

Sometimes my emotions can feel a little overwhelming to me! It's like I know logically speaking that I should be looking at something a certain way, but

in some situations the tug of my heart is just too strong!

A psychologist friend of mine wanted me to take the Myers-Briggs personality test and after reading what you have learned about it I wished I had. Again for me is it nature or nurture because I have always more closely related to feminine emotions. I was also more attracted to straight men than to gay men. Was it the lack of a male role model and the influence from my mother and older sister or something with which I was born? Of course it may be that part of your brain did masculinize and part feminized. I read about the troubles feminine straight men had meeting women because it was easily assumed they were gay. Some folks' brains do not agree with their bodies and it may be that parts of your brain do not agree with other parts. Wow that does not sound like much help.

You mentioned your flat affect and so much of what I write is supposi

tion due to not having a clear understanding of who you are.

No, you have actually been very helpful! What you shared is making so much sense to me right now!

Don't worry. I don't really have a clear understanding of who I am either. But yes, what people see on the outside is only a small part of who I really am.

When it comes to most nature vs. nurture questions, I tend to think the answer is a little of both.

Well, it's official! I'm now taking E again. So my current run with no hormones is now over at about 13 1/2 months. Unless you consider taking phyto E to be taking hormones, in which case it was over sooner. I am taking 2 mg of estradiol valerate. I wanted the regular estradiol, but Inhouse didn't have it when I ordered. So far I am feeling very at peace with this decision. I'm also feeling scared and excited. I am feeling so many different things right now!

I am keeping my hair short, and that combined with my very masculine face should allow me to take E for as long as I like and still pass as a guy, so that doesn't really worry me, but one of the things that does scare me is eventually becoming a man with breasts. I'm not afraid of breasts themselves, but I am worried about social issues they could cause. But I am a little comforted by the knowledge that during past experiments with E, including injectable E, I never really got that much in the way of boobs, just some budding. Then again, I've also never taken E consistently for longer than six months, so it's hard to say for sure what is going to happen.

A friend did tell me that even with just the budding, a few people noticed back then, which is why I am still kind of worried. I know that when I look in the bathroom mirror at work, my nipples do seem to puff out a bit too much for someone as skinny as I am, so it is possible people have already noticed and just haven't said anything.

One interesting thing I have noticed is that over the last couple of nights, I have been remembering so many details from dreams. My dream recall used to be excellent, but lately it hasn't been so hot. I might be able to remember a snippet at best, and sometimes just a feeling or a place that I was at, but nothing else. Not over the last couple of nights! I am remembering so much more all of a sudden. It's pretty cool to think about all of the ways that hormones affect out bodies and minds.

An interesting thing happened a couple of days ago. I was out with some friends from work, and one of them told me that I should have been a woman. It's actually kind of silly when you think about the context in which she said it, and it probably doesn't mean anything. Basically we were talking about drink preferences, and I guess my favorite drinks are "girly" according to what she said. After I told her all of them, she said "You should have been a woman." Of course she didn't mean it seriously, and I just laughed when she said that, but inside I was thinking maybe she was onto something. Maybe I should have been a woman. I'm a man of course (even though I am feeling not so male lately, my logical side is saying yes, you are male), and there is no changing that, but maybe I should have been a woman. I've always thought that if I had been born a girl, I would have been OK with it. At the least, I don't think I would have been FTM.

I'm still trying to figure out exactly where this shift came from. It happened about a month ago around the time when I started taking phyto E. Up until then I was regretting losing all the masculinization that I could have had and identifying with men who had families. Now I feel like I'm somewhere in between and am excited about taking E (even though at this point, it's still mostly from the perspective of reversing negative effects of castration). What in the world is going on? Are hormones really that powerful that they can change our very identities?

[plix (imported)]

I’m back to being a eunuch for a number of different reasons. Probably the most important of these is that I have started to see physical changes in myself, and it is pretty likely that if I can see them, others can as well. A friend of mine (the same friend who said that I should have been a woman) told me that I do not look like a “typical male.” When I asked her what she meant, she told me that I look “nerdy,” but while I probably do look that way, I really don’t think that is what she was getting at. How do you tell a guy that he looks feminine? She also told me that my not looking typical could cause me problems at work, especially if I decided to branch out to more rural areas as I told her was one of my wishes. Recently I had a dream where I received a letter from work telling me they were concerned because they could see there was something different about me. After I read the letter, I asked myself what was more important to me – taking E or my job. The answer of course is very clear to me.

It is a shame that I decided to stop taking E because I do feel that it did some good things for my affect. A (different) friend recently told me that he didn’t think I’d be able to talk if I didn’t have my hands. I have noticed that I use my hands a lot more when talking now.

Another major factor in my decision is that, surprisingly, E managed to give me a libido boost. I wasn’t expecting this at all since I thought E was supposed to reduce or eliminate male-type libido. The boost actually started with what I might call a female-like libido (but I can’t say for sure since I don’t really know how it feels when a woman is attracted to someone). Not only was the direction toward guys (not all guys, but I have definitely felt very attracted to certain guys since starting E), but there was also something “different” about how it felt compared to feeling attracted to women when on T. With T the sign of attraction is of course an erection, but this was something that sort of spread throughout my entire body. If it had ended there, I might have been OK, but eventually a male-type libido came back along with it. Somehow the old male feelings and functioning returned, although I will never understand how since I was taking E, and everything I have ever read seems to indicate the exact opposite happens when biological males take E. Since stopping E, the male-type libido has diminished, although as recently as yesterday I still experience remnants of the female-type libido.

There is also something else that has been going on, something very strange. Basically I have been having this major masculine-type dysphoria. I have been feeling so unbelievably masculine lately. I am not sure what caused it. I have mentioned before that one of my fixations about castration is how I would have looked different if it hadn’t happened. Lately I have been looking in the mirror and seeing the man I was supposed to be. I have developed a pretty good idea of what I might look like if I hadn’t been castrated, and it’s like I can see him in the mirror and want him to come out even though what is really staring back at me is this eunuchoid, slightly feminized body. I think maybe for the first time in my life I am finally able to understand what a transsexual experiences. One theory is that the return of the male-type libido is what caused these masculine feelings. With that libido now being gone, we’ll have to see if those feelings stick around. I still think that I should have been a woman, but, at least when I identify as male, I recognize that I am just a man who thinks he should have been one rather than actually being a woman.

This is one of those times when I am definitely identifying as male. Sure, I am a weird, feminine-like male, but I am still undeniably male. Of course it wasn’t that long ago that I felt I couldn’t be male, and not long before that when I felt as I do now. I think it’s clear that these shifts in gender identity and hormonal preferences are ongoing for me. I am also thinking that maybe any one way of thinking about this may not be any more “right” than any other way. It may not be “right” for me to be on T, on nothing, or on E. Perhaps sometimes I just feel like taking T, while at other times I feel like taking E. Maybe I really am genderfluid or hormonefluid, if there is such a thing.

Now even though I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered going back on T (I in fact received a prescription for it from my doctor and am just a fill away from taking it again), I know in my heart that it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. I remember exactly why I stopped taking it, and I remember how I felt about that decision. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but I knew it was what I needed to do. Over this last year or so I have learned that the eunuch life has many wonderful things to offer and that my new role may be something to celebrate rather than mourn.

Of course there are downsides to being a eunuch, and it is these that trouble me so when I think about staying hormone-free forever. How will I stand the lack of energy and feeling utterly exhausted? The poor memory? The sleeplessness? The lack of motivation? The physical dysphoria, if it continues? It would be so much easier to take hormones, but I don’t suppose that the easy path is the one filled with the greatest rewards.

[tugon (imported)]

I always enjoy reading your posts. My greatest wish for you is one day you can find where you are happiest on the male to female continuum. There is peace in being your genuine self and one day you will have the answer.