Taking the Plunge.....Again

[mrt (imported)]

I wish you well but I also wonder if this is just going to make you miserable.

Hair (If I undertand this) is a once growing doesn't change type of thing. If you don't want body hair you need to do electrolisis. (Spelled???)

One issue you didn't mention was mental fog which I felt really badly when I was low T

[tugon (imported)]

I wish you well but I also wonder if this is just going to make you miserable.

Hair (If I undertand this) is a once growing doesn't change type of thing. If you don't want body hair you need to do electrolisis. (Spelled???)

Body hair will greatly diminish without T. I used to be very hairy and after almost 13 years without T my body hair is either gone or very fine. Also as discussed in a much earlier thread pubic hair begins to resemble a feminine pubic pattern more than a male pattern. Of course the drop in T did nothing for the reduction of ear hair, damnit. A reduction in body hair is guaranteed but electrolysis is only needed if a total lack of body hair is desired. Since Plix is not transitioning to female a moot point.

As far as the mental fog it does occur to some extent but has not been overly problematic for me. When watching Jeopardy my recall is not what it once was but I usually know if the contestant is right or wrong if I would have known the answer in the beginning. Of course memory at my age can be an issue and less so for someone Plix's age. He may not notice the fog for many years.

I am concerned about his happiness without T but it has been the best thing for me. I was miserable with T and was not in sync with who I truly was. The eunuch me is the happy me.

[plix (imported)]

It has now been two weeks without T.

Sexual changes: Libido is coming down, but it is not yet where I want it. Spontaneous erections have mostly disappeared. Stimulated erections are becoming more difficult, and ejaculation is taking much longer, but ejaculatory output is still normal. Morning wood is softer but not completely gone.

Physical changes: It is much too early to notice any significant bodily changes. I do not own a scale, so until I decide to invest in one, I will find it difficult to keep track of changes in weight. I have not observed any loss of energy. I may be experiencing an improved sense of smell.

Mental/Emotional changes: I'm not sure how exciting this blog will be because I do not seem to get the mental/emotional effects most others get without T. This could be because I am emotionally numb in general. I released a lifetime of emotion as a child, and I am not sure I have any left.

I am nearing the point of long return. If I resume T now, I could recover within a short period of time. If I wait much longer, it will probably take months or more to recover, just like it did the last time I started T. I've restarted T many times over the years, and it seems to take longer each time to get things back to normal.

I thank everyone for their words of advice and support

[plix (imported)]

Many are probably wondering why I am venturing down this path again. I bet that after three years on T you thought I was finished with all of this instability. In reality, I have been searching for my identity all of my life, and the instability will continue until I finally discover it. It is not just hormones but all areas of my life.

I thought I would offer a brief recap of my eunuch-related history up to this point.

June 24, 2005: I am surgically castrated.

July 2005: I begin E with plans to transition to female.

December 2005: I accept I am not female. I quit taking E.

Early 2006: I resume taking E but without plans to become female.

Late 2006: I decide to start T again for the first time. My first try ended days later.

Later 2006 - Late 2007: During this time I stop and restart T several times. I also briefly take E again in 2007.

November 2007 - September 2010: I take T without stopping.

September 2010: I once again stop taking T.

During my earlier experiments with T one of the major reasons I could not continue taking it was T's incompatibility with the relationship I was in at the time. Let's not forget another way I was trying be someone I am not back in those days - I tried to be gay. When off T it was successful. Not in the sense that I was interested in men sexually, but I was able to make a romantic relationship with a man work. At the time I did have romantic feelings for him, and we were happy together.

When I restarted T for the first time, libido did come back rather quickly, and of course my sexual feelings were toward women. I quickly realized that if I wanted to stay in the relationship I was in, that was not going to work.

By the time I started T the most recent time, I had confused my body so badly that libido took a long time to return. When it did, the target was once again women. This time I did not stop taking T, and I eventually decided to end my relationship.

I have maintained a strong libido for some time now, but after doing some thinking, I do not think it meshes well with my personality. I do not see myself as the type to become involved in another romantic relationship. For one thing, women do not seem interested in me. I'm short, shy, have low self-confidence, and so many other things women do not want. What woman would want a guy whose dream car is a Ford Focus?

But even if women were interested, I still question whether I would be. My personality just does not seem compatible with a romantic relationship. One of the top issues is the emphasis I place on my privacy. Most who know me know I am an extremely private person, and I am not sure I can make the necessary sacrifices for a relationship. Another important issue is my severe dislike of conflict. I hate not getting along with people, and conflict is a central part of just about any romantic relationship.

Unfortunately T does not seem to care about personality. It sparks needs that have to be met, no matter how much I know the needs will not be met. In reducing or eliminating libido, my goal is to remove these needs. The idea is that if I do not have the needs, I will care not care so much about their lack of fulfillment. Also, I hope to bring my sexuality in line with my identity.

If I am lucky, my goals will be accomplished There are many other reasons for my discontinuing T, but I thought I would share a more significant one.

[tugon (imported)]

I do not see myself as the type to become involved in another romantic relationship. For one thing, women do not seem interested in me. I'm short, shy, have low self-confidence, and so many other things women do not want. What woman would want a guy whose dream car is a Ford Focus?

But even if women were interested, I still question whether I would be. My personality just does not seem compatible with a romantic relationship. One of the top issues is the emphasis I place on my privacy. Most who know me know I am an extremely private person, and I am not sure I can make the necessary sacrifices for a relationship. Another important issue is my severe dislike of conflict. I hate not getting along with people, and conflict is a central part of just about any romantic relationship.

Plix, you are selling yourself short and I do not mean stature. You are young and you have much to learn of life. You may meet a young woman who is as shy as you are and together you may bond.

Conflict will always happen between two people living together. It is neither good or bad just the nature of the beast. When you meet the woman who is more important than your issues the need for privacy will fade.

I have noticed women checking Plix out. He receives more attention than he can see.

[Conscientious (imported)]

"

One of the top issues is the emphasis I place on my privacy. Most who know me know I am an extremely private person, and I am not sure I can make the necessary sacrifices for a relationship. Another important issue is my severe dislike of conflict. I hate not getting along with people, and conflict is a central part of just about any romantic relationship.

"

Ha ha ha. I can relate to that. I absolutely love my own space and have rarely been in or seen a relationship that you don't think "God, sign me up for celibacy". Maybe you could join a dating site specify you want someone you only see once week. I might do that.

It seems whenever I'm online there is always an american who can't meet anybody. Why is that? Is everyone raised to be superficial there focusing only on financial status or physical attributes? Are ya'll too picky or do you exaggerate a lot? Have heart. Some women, non-US at least, love a man for his heart.

America: The land of dreams and singlehood.

[plix (imported)]

As a young eunuch, I will probably not lose my sexuality as quickly or completely as older eunuchs. This is something that I am beginning to realize. Also, I began E only three weeks after my castration. That probably made for a different experience versus this time around.

I'm not sure what E would do for libido. It may actually contribute to keeping it alive. But E definitely further reduces erectile function. Just the lack of T may leave me with more erections than I would hope for.

I am beginning to think that there may be mental/emotional effects to hormonal changes that I simply do not recall. In an old post I stated that I was taking E in part due to the mental effects (this was after I had decided against transitioning to female). Obviously I must have noticed something that would cause me to post that.

Going back and comparing my posts in those days to more recent posts, I am wondering if there may have been more "life" to my writing when I was taking E. One thing my writing is often accused of is being "stiff" and lacking warmth. On the other hand, it could also have been that I was trying to be female and mimicking what I perceived to be a feminine writing style.

So why am I mentioning E so much? Yes, it's true. After only three weeks I am already considering going back on E. I just can't stick with anything, can I? My goal was supposed to be one year with no hormones. Now, I haven't broken it yet, but the fact that I am considering doing so this early leaves me with doubts that I will be able to accomplish it.

The reasons I am considering taking E are to maintain health and to possibly experience the further reduced sexuality I am looking for. As I have stated previously, I do not identify as female and have no desire to become female.

The cons to taking E:

1) Feminization: Due to my bone structure and mannerisms I will always be able to pass as male, but after some time I may start getting stares again. Also, I have a job now which involves frequent contact with the public. I am concerned about any potential issues that could develop related to my job. I never had significant breast development even on higher doses of E, but it was enough to be noticed as not your typical male chest unless I bound it, which I really would not feel like doing.

2) Availability: I do have a doctor, but I doubt he would be willing to prescribe E. So if I wanted to take it, I would be left with purchasing it online. If I were to take it, I would rather have it prescribed.

I am wondering if the lack of T is going to bring up gender issues again. I have struggled with the following question over the years: If I do not fit the profile of a stereotypical man, does that make me not male? A few years ago I reasoned that it did, and that the only other option was female. However, I learned that female was not right for me. So where does that leave me? People have said that I appear masculine on the outside, but I do not feel stereotypically masculine on the inside. Certainly my flat affect contributes to the outer masculine appearance. If I didn't have that problem, might I be perceived differently?

If were to take T, would I perfectly happy as male and never question my identity?

Most likely what I need to do is be patient and try to stick this out. I am sure I will be happy with where I am at a year from now. But it is so hard to wait that long

[Dave (imported)]

At least you understand you need patience.

Nothing in the human body happens overnight (well nothing good). So relax, enjoy the autumn, find some music you like and listen, read a good book (or a comedy book about zombies. I can recommend one.) and let things happen. This is like watching grass grow. Nothing happens in days but months later, the stuff grows so fast you can't put the mower away.

peace and love (As my old hippie friends say)...

[tugon (imported)]

Youth is always in a hurry. Think about where you will be when 50. All we do today will effect us in later years. Before starting E think about long term goals. I know in some aspects you would be happier spending your life alone but this may cause you to miss out on a greater happiness.

As we have talked many nights I want you to date. Then you would encourage me to find someone and I would remind you "been there, done that and got the soundtrack". When you started on T the realization you were straight was at the time very exciting to you. I made poor Danya take us to Hooters so you could ogle some young women. Danya and I were bored.

You have been loved before and I know you will be loved again. I just want you to be ready when that connection happens. Even after all my years I believe in love.

[plix (imported)]

It has now been one month with no T.

My sense of smell has definitely improved. I am smelling lots of things I never noticed before.

Libido continues to decrease, but I am still far from asexual.

I am now flaccid in the morning but continue to wake up with an erection once per night.

I have yet to notice any significant decrease in energy.

There have been a few times where I felt a little warm, and since that happened last time around as well, they could be mild hot flashes, but they are certainly nothing like what I have heard others describe as full-blown hot flashes.

I would like to have my T levels tested, and I do have a lab order from my doctor that includes a T test. However, he is not aware that I have discontinued taking T. If my levels come back ridiculously low, he will either think there is something seriously wrong or will guess that I have stopped. He stressed the importance of taking T during my last visit, so somehow I don't believe he would be supportive of a non-T eunuch. I have not had the lab work done yet because I am worried about how he will react.

I continue to debate the possibility of taking E. Looking at some old photos taken at the Portland MoM in 2006, I am wondering if I would really feminize as much as I feared. At that time I had been taking E for a year, and I still looked clearly male. And that was when I was younger. Now, being older, E should have even weaker effects on me.

I continue to be thankful to everyone who has responded for their support