My life

[butterflyjack (imported)]

I agree with the other responders, Danya...but perhaps you should contact your doctor...He may offer some solution..Keep him in the loop...smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Danya,

Stay on your medication. It is important for your surgery that you are healthy.

Hi Mac,

I am staying on the antibiotic. I've never taken one that wipes me out the way this one d

oes, though.

I very much appreciate your concern.

It is critical that you do not skip a dose of antibiotics, because the bacterial infection uses that opportunity to develop resistance. This results in a seriously wors

e condition and the likelihood of further complications.

Please continue your Cipro, for your own sake.

Caith721,

Thanks for your thoughtful response and concern. As I noted above, I am cont

inuing to take Cipro. I did not skip a dose this morning, either. When I got up this morning, I read the messages here and that helped me swallow the pill.

I agree with the other responders, Danya...but perhaps you should contact your doctor...He may offer some solution..Keep him in the loop...smooches

dragonfly

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[butterflyjack (imported)]

What a woman!! smooches dragonfly

[Caith721 (imported)]

Glad to hear you're taking care of yourself. We are here to support you, and we all love you, very much. You can say anything here, and we'll understand, even appreciate it. Getting those emotions out is an important part of experiencing them and dealing with them.

[Danya (imported)]

What a woman!! smooches dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

I'm not sure what I did to earn that, but thanks!

Glad to hear you're taking care of yourself.

We are here to support you, and we all love you, very much.

Hi Caith721,

Love is one of the essentials for a full life. I appreciate your ongoing support, care and expression of love. I feel the same way about you and a number of people here, some of whom I've met and many that I haven't. [Before I tran

sitioned I never would have written something like this. ]

You can say anything here, and we'll understand, even appreciate it. Getting those emotions out is

an important part of experiencing them and dealing with them.

I've said lots of things here since I made my first tentative posts sometime in early 2007 (I think that's when I started here ). Many of my posts have been about life's difficulties, particularly after I was laid off.

I appreciate your encouragement.

When I first started writing, several people (including at least one of the site admins) warned me that I was being too open. With one or two minor exceptions, I have never regretted this.

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__________________________________________________
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____________

Today is the fi

rst time since a week ago Sunday when I started feeling like I'

m getting over the bacterial infection. I've still got a way to go, but I was really encouraged.

__________________________________________________

__________

I will check in again in a few weeks at most.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

What I meant is you have terrific drive..veritably indominable...

So glad to hear you're feeling better....Only a few days to go...

smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

What I meant is you have terrific drive..veritably indominable...

So glad to hear you're feeling better....Only a few days to go...

smooches dragonfly

Hi Dragonfly,

Thanks once again for your kind words. Sometimes my drive causes me to overdo things, though. I need to be careful about that.

I'm feeling a lot better than just a week ago. Although my breathing is still not ba

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together to museums

and similar things. Nearly every

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jor out of doors component.

I find it difficult, at times,

to

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am passionate about.

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__________________________________________________
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_____

Ho

t flashes news flash: ac[quote="Danya (imported)" time=1295

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cording to Dr. 'M', I have started to experience some of the
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started to reduce my we[quote="Danya (imported)" time

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ekly estradiol dose. We thought this might make it ea
[/quote]
sier to stop it altogether in preparation for surgery. I did that two days ago.

My

symptoms came on sudd[quote="Danya (imported)" time=12946

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enly, early this afternoon. I felt ill and out of sorts, in a
[/quote]
ddition to feeling an obvious skin flush. As I drove downtown, for the first

time I did not enjoy [quote="Danya (imported)" time=

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seeing the approaching skyline of Chicago. Then, as I
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ve around orange cones to go down the 'exit' ramp. I have ne
[/quote]
ver done something like this before. When I arrived in the doctor's office,

I felt very warm again.

[quote="Danya (imported)" time=12

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__________________________________________________
[/quote]
_______

One of the symptoms, or side effects, of menopause can be depression. I st

opped my antidepressant over two weeks ago, after a p

eriod of gradually reducing the dose. I have never been able to make it anywhere close to this long without it before, without noticing that things were not r

ight. Until today, I did not feel at all depressed. Tonight

I do not feel depressed. Earlier today, I did. Or at least I felt 'down.'

I take all of this as a good sign that I may be able to do well without an

antidepressant, particularly once I can take estradiol a

gain. That may not be until 5 - 6 weeks from now. I need my estrogen! If I find I need an antidepressant after surgery, I'll glady start one again. It will

be a much less expensive one than my 'miracle' drug.

I al

so view my being able to write a far longer post than I initially intended, and what I view as a generally 'upbeat' post, as a good sign about depression.

__________________________________________________

_____

I've been working through some other issues, too. Including wondering if I am 'too old' at 59 to still look forward to a fulfilling future. Lynn Conway (http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/conway.html), a pioneering trans woman whose opinions and activism I value, paints a somewhat gloomy picture of the prospects for those who transition beyond their early 40s. At least she notes exceptions.

I did not waste much effort dwelling on my future prospects for continuing happiness and fulfillment. I simply decided that I will be one of those exceptions Lynn talks about. Truth is, I already am one of the 'exceptions,' and I am very thankful for that.

In some ways, this is similar to deciding that I will succeed in my career. Whatever that ultimately ends up looking like. Over the months following the loss of my job, I gradually learned to ignore what people were saying, and writing, about the prospects for older workers who are unemployed. Similarly, I learned to ignore dire warnings about transgender persons finding employment. I had no choice but to take this approach and it also makes good sense.

[Caith721 (imported)]

You weren't practicing Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor, were you?

I can understand stopping estrogen before surgery, but why would you stop your anti-depressants before surgery, as well? Is that a medical requirement, or a personal decision?

It's good to hear from you again!!

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Hi sweety...Sounds like you've got just about everything figured out...

The way you immerse yourself in things you love is wonderful...but perhaps not without side effects (sore back)..Slow down..(but you knew that already).

On a basic, non-professional level, I assume that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain...but possibly with other worldly factors thrown in the mix...Things like genital dysphoria...transitioning to another sex...losing your job...moving to a new metropolis...having SRS surgery....Geebuzz..

Who wouldn't be anxiety ridden....Maybe, at this stage, these factors have diminished to the point that you no longer need to be as heavily medicated as before..I say maybe, as I am totally without expertise in these matters...

It's always good to see you doing well...Big smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

Dealing with this low to no estrogen thing is more difficult than I expected. It's quite challenging, actually, especially since I'm still recovering from bronchitis. I'll get through it. Until I do, I may write a bit more frequently than I anticipated.

You weren't practicing Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor, were you?

Bach's "Tocatta and Fugue in D minor" is somewhat easier than the Bach organ works I've been practicing. That really is the problem, as far as my overdoing it goes. I need to back off these difficult pieces. Before I return to playing this type of music, I need to more or less start at the beginning with strengthening exercises for my hands. I also need to gradually reintroduce velocity exercises. I don't anticipate that it will add more than a month or two to take this more cautious route.

When I practice regularly, which I have not consistently done over the years, I am quite capable. That adds to my current frustration. I can play difficult pieces right now. My body simply is not ready for that, though. It rebels.

My ex-spouse of 20 years at times came out of the shower thinking she was listening to a professional recording when it was me playing. I usually did not practice when she was at home so we'd have time together. I was glad to give up practicing for our time together. I will be glad to let go of a lot of practice time if I ever have another special person in my life.

For anyone who is interested, here are some Youtube recordings of some of the things I am working on now, but really shouldn't until I work back up to this level. I will take a more gradual approach.

Chopin's Ballade #4 in F-minor, Artur Rubenstein: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5uyd4jYEaw

Like many other works, this one starts out relatively quietly with an 'easier' to play section. The development takes it into much more difficult territory.

Although I will never be a Rubenstein, I will be able to play this well in public. I've done it before.

I've also, unwisely, been practicing Beethoven's 32nd, and last, piano sonata. Some professionals consider this the most perfect of all his piano sonatas. In it, he departs from "typical" 3-movement form of the Classical sonata in favor of two movements. The third varation of the second movement sounds like a century too early jazz, boogie-woogie piece.

This is Daniel Barenboim, both a fine conductor and pianist playing the first movement of this sonata.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSIVfnsSOns

Here is the superb Claudio Arrau playing the first part of the second movement of this masterwork. At least for me, the last part of this second movement is very difficult. I may not have the time to learn it well enough to play in public. If you advance to about 6 minutes, 52 (59?) seconds you get to the energetic, jazz and dance-like 3rd variation. This movement starts out with a gorgeous, quiet statment of the theme upon which the following variations are built. It makes the movement sound deceptively simple. It is not at all simple or easy. The last part of this movement is extraordinarily difficult. It may also be my favorite piece of piano music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9GYArGl ... re=related

Here is the second part of this final movement of Beethoven's last (32nd) piano sonata, again with Claudio Arrau. This music seems to transcend time and space. The last two pages are absolutely otherworldly in their beauty:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kRUlp11M5M&NR=1

The largest organ work I'm practicing is Bach's glorious Prelude and Fugue in E-Flat Major (St. Anne) BWV 552. I go nuts for this piece. I also consider it more difficult than the Toccata and Fugue.

Here is Karl Richter playing the Prelude of "St. Anne:"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji-FsTrWfXo

I've nearly got the "St. Anne" Fugue down cold. Some think the statement of the fugue is a reference to the hymn "Old 100th" ("O God Our Help in Ages Past.") This possible link is the origin of the "St. Anne" designation, which was not added by Bach but by later editors. "St. Anne" is the 'offical' name of the hymn tune. Most musiciologists view this similarity as coincidence. When Bach was alive, it is thought that this hymn was unknown outside of England. If that is correct, Bach would have never heard it.

The fugue starts out slowly and gradually builds in intensity and difficulty. I might be able to play this forever! The at times difficult, rapid pedal work makes it more fun. When I was taking advanced organ lessons in Minneapolis, I studied under the man who was perhaps the top organist in the Twin Cities. I started playing this for him the first time and got as far as page 3. At that point, he stopped me and noted how a certain section seems simple but is not. Bach did not mark his music the way later composers did. There are few indications of how things should be played. I was taking the overly simplistic approach, unaware of how Bach would have played it. I was not taking a sufficiently dance-like approach, my teacher told me.

If you are patient, you may find you are rewarded by the rich development and sound of this fugue.

Anyway, here is Karl Richter playing the "St. Anne" fugue. At this point, I sound fairly close to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePsSrn0r ... re=related

I can understand stopping estrogen before surgery, but why would you stop your anti-depressants before surgery, as well? Is that a medical requirement, or a personal decision?

It's good to hear from you again!!

The Montreal folks gave strict instructions about stopping any antidepressant medication. Today, I caved and took prescription ritilin. Both my psychiatrist and physician said this would help make things easier after stopping the antidepressant. I

'm not sure I would need ritilin if I were still on estrogen. It has hel

ped a bit. Writing has helped more.

Hi sweety...Sounds like you've got just about everythi

ng figured out...

I don't know that I have everything figured out, but I'm working on it as far as my life goes.

The way you immerse yourself in things you

love is wonderful...but perhaps not without side effects (sore back)..Slow down..(but you knew that already).

My doctor did some manipulation on my back.

It didn't seem to help yesterday, but I'm doing much better today. I still need to use caution and slow down.

On a basic, non-professional level, I assume that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain...but possibly with other worldly factors thrown in the mix...Things like genital dysphoria...transitioning to another sex...losing your job...moving to a new metropolis...having SRS surgery....Geebuzz..

Who wouldn't be anxiety ridden....Maybe, at this stage, these factors have diminished to the point that you no longer need to be as heavily medicated as before..I say maybe, as I am t

otally without expertise in these matters...

It's always good to see you doing well...Big smooches dragonfly

There has been an awful lot of upheaval in my life for nearly the last two years. I'm referring to the time since I learned I would lose my job. Generally, after an adjustment period, I have not felt anxiety-ridden. There have been a few times like that, though.

While I still do not view my life as being as stable as I'd prefer, it is still very good. It's much better than it was roughly two years ago. You are right,

I may be able to do well without an

antidepressant.

I'm incredibly happy that I have gotten so far in my life, despite external events. So far, everything has gone just about exactly according to the plan I envisioned when I moved to the Chicago area. Knowing that I can plan things and then make them happen helps me to maintain my confidence.

That's important, because I still need to plan and navigate the rest of my life. I need to save a lot of money but I also want to lead a very full and rich life. I can envision several paths to get me there.

Writing lengthy posts here is, in a way, another example of my over doing things. Most of the things I have written this evening I have at least partially described before. This is one reason why I expect to post less frequently as the months go by. Besides, what I want to do is share at least some of the things I write about here with someone special in my life.