My life

[Mac (imported)]

Re: Contract job may end in three weeks

................

When I accepted this contract, the stated length was 3 - 6 months. On March 21, it will be 3 months since I started working. So when my recruiter confirmed that management had informed him my contract might end in a few weeks, I was not surprised. In fact, I was not bothered at all. I wondered again, though, how long I might have to continue moving from one short-term job to another. ..................

I thought that your surgery is scheduled for March.

[Danya (imported)]

Hi Mac,

The surgery has always been set for April 19.

[quote

="Danya (imported)" time=1298531760]
[quote

="Danya (imported)" time=1298456160]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1297946640]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1297843140]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1297249920]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1296559920]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1296468180]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1296300060]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1295855880]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1295698860]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1295602740]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1295517480]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1295182380]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1294649040]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1294472940]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1294139640]
[quote
[/quote]
="Danya (imported)" time=1292968260]
______
[/quote]
__________________________________________
[/quote]


I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. So I'm taking a break from thinking about what I may need to do about my career and where I might move for work. After checking with management, I decided to take Monday as an unpaid day off. This will be my first planned time off, that is not a company holiday, since June. I need to regain my equilibrium.

I attended a department meeting earlier this week that drove home an important point that I had only partly, and then reluctantly, accepted as true for my own planning. A company senior VP was discussing how they were working to improve their self-determined under performance in the last quarter of 2010. During that period, they still had exceptional financial returns. Those did not quite reach what they had projected.

So there was a lot of discussion on what might have gone wrong, t

he intense research they were doing to better determine [quote

="Danya (imported)" time=1298542860]
the cause and needed corrective steps. The executive [
[/quote]
quote="Danya (imported)" time=1298531760]
pointedly stated that none of them could be entirely
[/quote]

certain, despite all their best efforts, that any ch

anges in direction they made would provide the desir[

quote="Danya (imported)" time=1297843140]
ed result.

This was reassuring, because I have felt a[quote=
[/quote]
"Danya (imported)" time=1297249920]
t times that I should be able to better predict my b[
[/quote]
quote="Danya (imported)" time=1296559920]
est path to my career goals, which are still more tha

n a little ambiguous to boot. Actually, I have thought

of two mor

e factors to add to my decision 'tree' for

the metro areas with the best job opportunities. I d[quote=

"Danya (imported)" time=1295698860]
o not want to discuss those here, at least not now. N
[/quote]

or do I want to immediately pursue those as part of m

y own research.

Usually, I feel great when I am taki[quote=

"Danya (imported)" time=1295182380]
ng positive steps for making my career decisions. Ri[
[/quote]
quote="Da

nya (imported)" time=1294649040]
ght now, though, I feel over

whelmed by everything I a[quote="
[/quote]
Dan

ya (imported)" time=1294472940]
m trying to do. That's

the source of my exhaustion. I
[/quote]
[quote="Da

nya (imported)" time=1294139640]
know I need to take

immediate action to reverse this.

[quot
[/quote]
e="

Danya (imported)" time=1292968260]
__________________

________________________________
[/quote]
_______

I

spoke with my close Minnesota woman friend Thursday

night about the possible end of my contract job in a

few weeks. She now has a permanent job, at the age of 62, wi

th a lot of responsibility. She has taken cont

ract work before, and knows a number of people who ar

e currently contractors.

There are people that are

fine with contract jobs. For older workers, they can be a goo

d option to gain experience in a variety of i

ndustries related to your role. She started to talk about how

difficult life is for many older contract wor

kers, going into all the gory details including detai

ls of the experiences of older contractors she knows.

At that point, I found I was unintentionally tuning out muc

h of what she was saying. I agreed with her po

ints; I just cannot afford to dwell on them. For now,

at least, this is my work situation and I need to ma

ke the best of it.

I handle economic news the same w

ay most of the time. I choose to ignore much of what

is being said. This is what I need to do to keeping moving f

orward. 'X,' whom I thankfully have not spoken

to or written to in the time since we split, used to

regularly bring up the latest commentary on the eco

nomy. I repeatedly told him I did not want to hear about it.

It's beyond my control and paying too mu

ch attention to doom and gloom news will not help me do wha

t I must. I have a general awareness of the way thing

s are going, particularly the parts that may inform my decis

ions, and that's more than enough information.

__________________________________________________

_______

I ran across several articles last night about difficulties transgender people can have finding work and remaining employed. I already know this. I may have been affected by discrimination trans people can face in the workplace. I cannot afford to dwell on this issue, though, and generally dismiss any thoughts about how discrimination may have affected me or might affect me in the future. I cannot change attitudes and I must deal with the real world as it is. By doing that, I can continue to succeed.

When I visited my HRT physician last time, he happened to mention the problems that some trans people have with employment. He brought this up after complimenting me and the way I have proceede

d with jobs and life. He also said I had made a good decision in

moving to the Chicago region. What still surprises me is that every time we meet, he says he ca

n tell I continue to grow in confidence and comfort in

who I am. I thought I was already there. Seriously, though, I realize I continue to grow emotionally

and that this is very necessary. Transitioning is an

ongoing process that I do not expect to end with surgery. I may well feel that I can better get on with th

e rest of my life, but I will always be growing as a

woman.

For at least the third time, he mentioned not only how well I present as a woman but also how obvi

ous it is that this is truly who I am and that I am e

ntirely confident and capable as a woman in society. He thinks I've got the voice thing down well,

too. [It can be problematic at times, especially when I am congested,

but generally I do not have to think about it.] He's stated before that if he were meeting me fo

r the first time, he would not guess that I am trans.

I truly find that difficult to believe, but I will take his word for it on trust in his experience. I kn

ow that he always speaks what he believes to be true.

He has ha

d hundreds of trans patients over many years. He concluded that, in many cases where trans pati

ents have experienced difficulties with employment, these perso

ns do not have a positive attitude. He gave examples, without names, of course. Some go into jobs

expecting that they will be treated negatively. This

is a big mistake. That may indeed be turn out to be true but it very well may not.

For whatever reasons

that have helped me find work as a trans woman, I am thankful.

Self-confidence is critical. It certainly helps. I know I am fortunate in that my facial feature

s are not strongly masculine. Still, after closely wa

tching women before and in my first months of transitioning, I noted that many women do not have a facial

structure that is anything close to what many in this

country, at least, might consider very feminine. If a trans woman does not come close to a perceived idea

l facial structure, at least in my view there is still hope for

success. Having confidence in who you are is what convinces others much more than appearance.

I can say that I am entirely accepted as a woman at m

y current job. I get no hint that this is not true from a single person. Before a meeting Thursday, a you

nger foreign-born man and I were having an only slighted heated

conversation about the best way to present certain data. Then I went into the meeting room and

needed to plug my laptop's power supply into an outlet

under the table. This same man practically dove under the table to make the connection himself, apologizi

ng that he had not anticipated my need so that I never would ha

ve knelt there myself. I thanked him while mildly protesting that I really could do this myself.

__________________________________________________

__________

Right now, I need to give myself a break about planning my next career steps. Besides, I need to accept that planning will take me only part of the way. I also need to not only accept that I am overdoing things on a number of fronts, but also stop overdoing these things. That's always been difficult for me. I want to do so much.

I haven't been this worn out in a very long time. That concerns me, a lot.

Instead of writing here, where it is now 2:15 AM, I should have gone to bed. I was so exhausted when I got home that I took a four hour nap. I rarely take naps. I cannot remember the last time I did. It's way to late for me to make an attempt at looking for spelling and other errors.

[Danya (imported)]

I find this time to be more challenging than usual, and I've been feeling rather challenged for much of the last19 months. I am unsure if my contract will be extended after March 21, I'm making the final and very large payment for GRS, coping with stopping my antidperessant medication and working through several other issues including how to best approach my career. After yet more research, I accept that I need to consider making some difficult career choices to best ensure my long-term success. I've written enough about that already. My issues with my career are too complex to continue writing about here. I also doubt they interest many readers.

Most of the time, I do not worry about how I will work everything out. When I do worry, I do relaxation exercises to calm down and then I am fine.

I also find encouragement from the stories of a number of transsexual men and women who have successfully navigated times more difficult than anything I have dealt with.

No longer taking an antidepressant is turning out not to be as difficult as I expected. At least it isn't so far. I'm surprised that relaxation exercises are also helping alleviate any depression I experience. So does caffeine!

This afternoon,

I spoke with my electrologist

about my career and changes I may make over time. This just happened to be when she was doing her most painful work, on the area where I will have GRS. She cautioned me to be careful about any career moves during these uncertain times. I agree, although I told her that I am being cautious by not hiding my head in the sand to avoid critical career issues I need to address. She got my point.

So does my close friend in Minnesota.

I'm going to start going to Thursday evening salsa dance classes near the office. The cost is minimal. The classes will help keep me active and I will meet new people, too.

In a few Sundays, I will play the pipe organ for the prelude and postlude at church. This will be my musical debut there.

The congregation has a game evening twice a month that I will attend.

There is a hiking group nearby that I have joined. They usually having something planned each weekend.

What is also helping me to stay calm is playng the piano at home. Although I practice with intensity, that does not cause stress. It helps me become totally absorbed in the music.

To help maintain my focus on the future, and better times, I am working hard on a few piano works with the thought of giving a recital. I do not have any date in mind, but I like the idea of once again giving a public piano performance. I want to include Chopin's Ballade #4 in F-Major. I also like his Ballade #1 in G-minor, but I find the last two pages, marked with the tempo presto con fuoco (i.e., very rapidly and with 'fire'), to be difficult. Particularly since playing the chords requires continuous and huge leaps over much of the keyboard, at a very high rate of speed.

I'm considering including Beethoven's Piano Sonata #30. It's not as difficult as #32 and it has its own unique beauty common to his late works. The first movement has a beautiful lyricism, as do some of the variations of the last movement. Still, it may take more time than I have to master. The last few pages, of the final variation, are particularly challenging although, when played well this final variation has an otherworldly beauty.

I will likely include Bartok's Romanian Folk Dances, perhaps a set of Brahms variations and, I hope, a very contemporary piece.

Many of my recent posts have, I think, been far too long. Responses I get from people tell me this is the case. Things I have recently stated are overlooked. I will keep my posts shorter. If I do not post for a time, it's because I feel my recent post's are tending to be repetitive.

[butterflyjack (imported)]

I look forward to your posts...even if I am ever reminded of how shallow my existence is, compared with yours...What an accomplished person you are!

smooches dragonfly

[Danya (imported)]

I look forward to your posts...even if I am ever reminded of how shallow my existence is, compared with yours...What an accomplished person you are!

smooches

dragonfly

[quote="Danya (imported)"

time=1291614360]
Hi Dragonfly,

Thanks for the compliment,

although I hope you keep in mind that everyone's talents are different. No one, including you, can know that your existence is any more shallow than mine. You have your own gifts. Perhaps you do not recognize all of them.

Transitioning helped me to more fully appreciate whatever talents I have and to be less shy about sharing these with others. I am more confident in who I am and what I can do. I'm also better at accepting my many limitations even if I'm not entirely there yet.

At times, I still struggle with an urge to compare myself with others. Before much time has passed, I realize I am wasting my energy.

Hugs,

Danya

[Danya (imported)]

I'm glad I took today off. I've been postponing a number of important errands, like sending in my passport application. because I have been too busy at the office. By late this morning, I got caught up on my task list.

[quote="Danya (imported)" post_id=119111 time=1298730540 user_id=3065]
[quote="Danya (imported)" post_id=119109 time=1298622300 user_id=3065]
[quote="
[/quote]
Danya (imported)" time=1298542860]

[butterflyjack (imported)]

Did you ever reflect on your life, and realize that you lived nearly all of it in the wrong gender? Like you were play-acting for 50 years or so? I find this to be my experience...I still can't figure out who or what I am...what I like...Christ, I'm 65 years old...Maybe this is normal? Nah dragonfly (cross-dresser and who knows what else)

[Danya (imported)]

Did you ever reflect on your life, and realize that you lived nearly all of it in the wrong gender? Like you were play-acting for 50 years or so? I find this to be my experience...I still can't figure out who or what I am...what I like...Christ, I'm 65 years old...Maybe this is normal? Nah dragonfly (cross-dresser and who knows what else)

Hi Drangonfly,

I may have suggested this before: have you spoken with a trained gender therapist? At the least, you might find it reassuring to have a professional validate your feelings. Whether you can or want to proceed to some form of transition is something you also might explore.

There are individuals who have transitioned in their 70s. My English trans woman friend tranistioned in her 60s and continues to be happy in her 70s.

I know many people, including some older than me, who are still trying to figure out what they want to be 'when they grow up.' Interests and needs can change over time.

As for me, I think the situation may be a little more difficult because I am literally growing up a second time, on an emotional level.

[quote="Da

nya (imported)" time=1298730540]

[quote="Danya (imported)"

time=1298542860]

[quote="Danya (imported)" ti

me=1298456160]

time=1295698860]

17480]

__________________________________ ______________________

____________________________

____________________

At several meetings today, I decided to be more assertive just as if I were a permanent employee. Contractors do not have the same protections as full-time employees. We need to be particularly careful of what we say, how we say it and to whom we say it. It's much easier for a company to show a contractor the door than a permanent employee.

I typically try to get along with people, in a professional manner, whether I have a contract or permanent job. I did not change that approach today. What I did was diplomatically state exactly what I was thinking about certain proposals and the roles of different inidivuals and departments in the project I am on. This went against the prevailing corporate view, as expressed by several people I work for. In the end, they agreed with me.

I was not taking a large risk, in part because of they way I stated my views. What I hoped to get out of this was a feel for whether I might feel more comfortable in this career if I am able to speak freely and know that my opinions matter. I felt good knowing my views were respected and, in some cases, being adopted.

[Danya (imported)]

In the time since I was laid off, I learned that worrying does not help. When I get too overloaded, though, my coping mechanisms can start to fail and then I worry anyway. That's where I'm at now.

As much as I long for a more settled time in my life, I do not know when that will happen. I may yet need to adjust to the idea that it will never happen, at least not in the way I expected for most of my life. I need to accept that possibility and continue to move forward. To do so, though, I need to get out more, get more exercise, have more fun and so on. I must take better care of myself.

I haven't lost faith in who I am and that I can do what I must. I am glad to be living as my true self in what remains, despite my external circumstances, a very beautiful world.

When I have something new to report, I will write again.

[Danya (imported)]

I feel like a fool for just posting that I would not do exactly what I'm doing now. I freely admit I can be foolish.

My initial intention was not to discuss any of this until I know more. I find the whole thing upsetting.

First, a reminder. My physical exam and blood work results are excellent.

Generally, I do not feel overwhelmed. I absolutely do at times. Typically, I am able to calm down with relaxation exercises or with the support of a listening friend.

This morning, I went to a clinic for my pre-surgery EKG. I've had this test several times and it's always been fine. Unlike other times, though, today I felt very anxious. I've already sent in a lot of money for GRS that I will not get back if I cancel. That was on my mind, in addition to my uncertain job situation.

As part of my generally foolish behavior of the day, I asked the technician for his unofficial take on my results. He said, totally off the record of course, that a certain part of the heart rhythm could indicate a problem. I might need a stress test.

As I left the clinic, I was teary-eyed thinking I am so close to reaching a dream that now might be beyond my reach. At least for now.

I returned to the office and called my physician and saw him mid-afternoon. I had copies of the EKG's with me. He examined them and stated that the technician badly exaggerated and misinterpreted the results. He gave specific examples. His opinion was that everything is fine. He also told me I worry too much. He's not the first to have mentioned this. After I briefly reminded him of my financial and career situation, he admitted that he was a bit out of touch with what real world existence is for most people.

Still, he wants me to see the cardiologist he would go to if he needed one. I should hear sometime tomorrow when I will see the specialist. Presumably, the cardiologist will either rerun the EKG or offer his interpretation of the charts I bring with me. He may then want a stress or other type of cardiac function test.

This is working again. Writing out my fears greatly reduces their intensity. This still amazes me.

So, yes, I am worried. Although much less so now that I put my fears on virtual paper.

If I do not get a positive report on the EKG, I will need to cancel surgery. Right now I will lose $5,000 if I do. My overall health comes first, however, and I accept that.

I'm also under a time constraint for getting in the rest of the money for GRS. I am hopeful that my work with the cardiologist will show everything is fine. I am glad to be checking out the EKG irregularity before I sent in the remaining money.

Of course, I research everything. This can be good. It can also be unwise when something like my heart is involved. Anyway, several sources indicate that anxiety can cause this irregularity, as can certain ionic imbalances. I was very anxious during the test.

I have no physical symptoms relating to heart problems. After work, I spent an hour walking around the nearby mall. I walked up and down every staircase in the place, multiple times. I felt relaxed when I finished.

I have no chest or other pains that could indicate a problem. I do not feel winded when I walk briskly for two hours or more. I realize there could still be a problem.

Should I need to cancel surgery, I expect I will need to work through some emotional fall-out. I have the hope that even if I do not have surgery in April, I will another time.

If I do not ever have surgery....I'm not prepared to look at that too closely right now. I do know I will continue to do well and be happy, after some time to process my feelings. I've made it a long way just the way I am, with some electrolysis thrown in.

I did not want to write about any of this until I have more information. At least I no longer feel like a fool for writing this out. I should know if I can proceed with surgery by the middle of next week at the latest.

I want everyone to know how much I appreciate the simple fact that people read my sometimes whiny (the friend I spoke with this afternoon could confirm just how whiny I was today), often wandering and at times boring posts. I'm merely another trans woman trying to make her way through an, at times, difficult life. Many others do the same.

No time to proof this. I will get a good night's sleep every night starting now.