This evening, while I waited in my HRT doctor's office to receive injectable estradiol valerate for the first time, I called someone here whose opinion I value. There are a handful people I trust as thoroughly. I asked why I should continue posting here. My point was more like Greta Garbo's "I want to be left alone." She did not mean she wanted to be alone and neither do I.
I did not explain to my friend that there may be certain things I do not want to share. Occasionally, I feel I am revealing too much. Surely some people are thinking "TMI" - Too Much Information! In my non-virtual life, I am a private person. I have to trust someone before I will let them in.
I told him that life continues to be difficult, while remaining rather good. At times, even during this stressful period, life is still astonishingly wonderful. My life somehow continues to get better. I've already written about these things, though. This is not new information, but as I continue writing I will likely discuss this again.
Besides, I told him, much of what I write is mundane details of job hunting. I did not add that, while some here say they want to know how my TG life story turns out, much of what I write has nothing at all to do with being a male-to-female transsexual.
The conversation with this friend was fairly short. He provided what I agreed were compelling reasons to continue writing here. Before our talk, I was very determined not to return after early January.
I may post much less frequently. I am taking steps, finally, to find a place to practice the piano and pipe organ. I want more time to continue studying music theory.
Music is one of those totally non-TG topics I like to write about. Some others are science, the near total failure of scientists.....well, never mind on that one for now, photography, nature and some others that I never discuss here.
Recently, I have been studying how certain harmonic progressions play a very strong melodic function. On the drive home this evening, I was intently listening to Brahms and Tschaikovsky for examples. Uh oh, this could wind up being one of my more meandering posts.
Too late! Counterpoint is perhaps the ultimate example of the difficult art of merging the functions of harmony and melody. Enough of that for tonight. It is too late. It's also not, I think, what most people here want to read. We all have our own interests.
The thing is, I am a much better musician than I am a writer. I have to reestablish my musical performance skills. That takes hours of 'work' every week. Music is more than an interest or hobby for me. It is part of me. I am my most essential self when I am Danya performing music. People at times have told me how they never thought that a particular instrument could produce so many gorgeous sounds. Or that the prelude sent shivers through them. What I call the 'sacred orgasm,' and why not? Orgasm can be an all-engrossing wave, or waves, of pleasure washing over one's body. This is truly a gift from God. Others have said they can tell I am praying when I play. I never think of it quite that way. I will agree I am in another space then and have a (fleeting) connection with something mysterious beyond myself.
Clearly, I enjoy knowing people can connect with the music I am playing. At times on a deep level. I know my skills, and very hard work, have allowed this to happen. I'm also something of a ham. I enjoy the applause of an appreciative audience.
Which brings me to another reason I considered not posting any longer. Generous people here, now and then, say I am amazing, courageous (this I have at least been told off-line) and similar things. Do I like to hear this? Yes.
That can be a problem for me.
There is an important difference between hearing my music has done good things for people and hearing I am amazing or courageous for simply living my life. For I am doing nothing more than what I must. To be who I have to be and to survive. It's not always easy. Most people do exactly this every day. They may be less noticeable because: a) they don't write about it and b) they do not have to do something as public as transitioning.
Someone here used to think I had a lot of courage. I am thankful this is no longer the case. I am then freed from expectations that I will continue to be courageous.
Anyway, courage is merely doing what one must under what can be extraordinarily difficult circumstances. I doubt many sane people set out to be courageous. I'm not talking about daredevils here. Displaying courage can mean deliberately placing yourself in dangerous situations, whether on a physical or emotional level, when you might well prefer to be someplace safe and secure, or at least familiar. There may be a high risk of harm or of things not working out as one had fervently hoped. These people just happen to find themselves in situations where they have to make very hard choices. They choose what most view as the 'courageous' option. To be true to themselves, though, they had little real choice.
I should have been in bed at least 30 minutes ago, so I will doing little proof-reading.
butterflyjack (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 13, 2010 3:39 am
Hi Danya...Good news on the medication front...Whatever you decide, I hope it's in your best interests...You can always come back here, if you wish...
I, and I'm sure, many others, will miss you if you leave...But also wish you only the best...smooches dra
[quote="Danya (imported)" time=1286525
220]
Thanks for the good wishes, dragonfly. :
[/quote]
)
This
Mac (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 13, 2010 2:22 pm
is all very cool. But you'll be back. (evil grin)
You little devil
When I first read this, I was more determined not to post here again. Ah well, I'm a fickle female.
Please stay and share with us the res
ults of your transi
Dave (imported) wrote: Mon Dec 13, 2010 2:41 pm
tion. I look forward to hearing the positive final outcome and am sure that others do also. What is your email if that is how you desire to be
contacted?
For now, I will continue to post but perhaps much less frequently.
I'll miss you. I'll miss your posts.
I mean that with all sincerity. You gave me insight into another life that I did not and could not have...
It is good to hear from you Dave. I do not think you have posted on one of my threads before. I appreciate you kind words. Thank you.
I will get to bed soon!
Back to the doctor's office earlier this evening. I was ticked off because of some recurring issues with 'X.' I even swore a little. Dr 'M' was surprised, to say the least. On other visits, he has told me how carefully I choose my words and that he could not imagine hearing me use the kind of language I used just tonight.
On my last visit, when I answered a question with "If I said that, I was incorrect," he told me he could not imagine anyone else answering that way. I can't explain it.
I have always spoken like this. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this affliction.
As we were discussing the proper way to inject oneself with cross gender hormones, I mentioned one of the paintings on the wall. It was clearly a Japanese woman. I said she seemed to be holding a penis. Dr. 'M' was nearly as surprised to hear this comment from me as he had been by my 'tough shit' comment.
I noted the shape of the 'penis.' He said 'it's not a penis, it's a scroll.' I responded, 'look at the curved shape of the slightly indented end. He pointed out that the woman was holding a pen. Finally, I had to admit she was doing calligraphy. He said I was horny!
It was probably injecting myself with 5 CC of estradiol that got me thinking of sex. I was thrilled to know my estrogen level would soon be rising.
I set things right with 'X' later. Without swearing, although I was very assertive. He shared his side of things with me, too. That's all well and good, although...... we'll see. This all started Friday evening. This is off track.
Anyway, I have some (but not unlimited) empathy for him. I know why he sometimes acts in not so pleasant ways.
We then went to a diner. Perhaps it was my earlier irritation with him, and the fact the I thought for a time I never wanted to see him again, that had me looking at other men! Gasp! I know I was surprised! Normally, my attention is solely with 'X'.
Tonight, though, a young dark-haired man was really catching my attention. He was quite handsome. Then there was the sensual way he sat, legs slightly spread with his strong hand casually draped across his thigh. His right arm was streched quite fetchingly across the back of the long seat where he sat with friends. At one point, he let his glance linger a few seconds on me. That's as far as I'll go with this!
It was a fun image while it lasted. A woman can enjoy the beauty of men without being unfaithful. Nonetheless, this is not something I typically spend much time doing. I'm not sure what was going on. Well, I sort of know. I'm thinking more about upcoming GRS.
When I first read this, I was more determined not to post here again. Ah well, I'm a fickle female.